Advice Goddess Alkon

got a kick out of the latest column

http://www.lansingcitypulse.com/lansing/article-3272-buy-sexual-and-boys-r-us.html

Polyamory -- honestly, still the relationship construct I would prefer

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164/

A follow-up to the previous message.

From http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Not much different from me and my own situation!!.

The idea that romantic relationships may be attachment relationships has had a profound influence on modern research on close relationships. There are at least three critical implications of this idea. First, if adult romantic relationships are attachment relationships, then we should observe the same kinds of individual differences in adult relationships that Ainsworth observed in infant-caregiver relationships. We may expect some adults, for example, to be secure in their relationships--to feel confident that their partners will be there for them when needed, and open to depending on others and having others depend on them. We should expect other adults, in contrast, to be insecure in their relationships. For example, some insecure adults may be anxious-resistant: they worry that others may not love them completely, and be easily frustrated or angered when their attachment needs go unmet. Others may be avoidant: they may appear not to care too much about close relationships, and may prefer not to be too dependent upon other people or to have others be too dependent upon them.

Passionate "early" love explained?

Well, especially as I contemplate that which I previously posted.. the following article / reference helps explain a LOT!!

From UTNE Reader, July-August 2009

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Nerves

by Julie Hanus

Ah, love: that yearning, burning, transcendently punch-drunk state of being. And it all begins with . . . attachment anxiety? For decades, researchers have probed the origin of love, tediously mining questionnaires and surveys for clues as to how sparks fly (and which ones stay lit). Now they’re making game-changing discoveries, reports Science News (Feb. 14, 2009), thanks to a distinctly modern opportunity to do field research: speed dating.

“Speed-dating investigations . . . illuminate a considerable gap between what people say they’re looking for in a romantic partner and traits of the people they actually want to go out with,” behavioral sciences editor Bruce Bower writes. Stereotypical points of allure, like physical attractiveness and financial stability, are less important than people tend to estimate when filling out surveys after the fact. Instead, relationships seem to blossom out of nervousness. Specifically, the anxiety of yearning for deep, emotionally attached love—the sort of connection that takes years to form—and not being sure if the fantasy is reciprocated.

In one study, psychologists at Northwestern University conducted speed-dating events with 160 college-age participants, who then reported on their love lives over the next month. More than any other factor, apprehension regarding a partner’s feelings prompted continued interest in the relationship (note from BH: LOTS to think about here. This is kind of how I feel toward B, but it is also very close to how one can feel when you are addicted in a relationship or you care for someone with BPD. No wonder I find it soooo confusing.). Daters who felt undesired jumped ship (no hope), but so did daters who felt too desired (no uncertainty) (note from BH: this is close to what I feel re: A2, and I do wonder about the longterm, sticking around, leaving, etc). “It is almost as if a central component of passionate love is [having] the fantasy that one will ultimately possess an attachment bond with the desired partner,” one of the researchers told Science News. But not being sure it’s in the bag.

Seeing B again, occasionally

and I like it.

but I remain confused about my feelings toward / for her.... vs A2 vs healthy emotional attachment vs relationship addiction.