with B. My phone rang with its whistling tone I have set as A2's ring. After a while, B made it plain that my getting that call peeved her. I challenged the matter a bit, but carefully. After a time, B figured out and shared that it was "my fears" that got kicked off.
She remains more than subconscious wary that I may simply cycle through with her and return to A2 yet again.
I assured her that that was quite unlikely.... and I pointed out that I had come to know there were some serious incompatibility issues with A2.... not to mention, I had not given my heart to A2, at any point. But, I had given it to B.
Hadn't allowed myself to become quite so vulnerable as this until I did so with B....
The matter settled, for now.... Though, we observed that there may be some continued processing from how things had been last year (less fully honest). We also agreed that openness remains the preferred, if difficult, way to operate regarding my contact with A2.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Talked with A2. Mostly ok
got an email this afternoon requesting a conversation. Most of it was business related. Tale end got into that personal stuff that is an old song now....
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
She's feeling a little strained and overwhelmed due to quite the series of events. Current President has confided with her that she intends to step aside and retire... invoked the sisterhood/sorority bit, and pressured A2 to hold off an announcement until the Spring Assembly.
Zone director announced a field office consolidation that looks to be costing A2 her longtime support staff (who are also close friends after all these years together...) Then there's just the continuing angst, I think, she feels over not getting another chance for "us".
Her school district is showing financial strains, as are all these days. Work's less fun now than it had been.
Oh, and she's also had conversations with other friends and leaders trying to convince her to top the ticket.... for some reason, those conversations seem to bother her.
I am a bit concerned that she continues her litany of "I just don't know who I can trust" and such. Purportedly only able to trust me to be reliable with my opinion and open and call her on her stuff... etc.
It's become enough of a claim (no trust) that I find myself concerned... but without any idea about how/what to suggest, let alone, able to understand completely.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A2 no regrets, but anxiety remains
Just thinking it wise to try and get some of my thoughts and feelings out into my journal.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
Start here: I feel badly that I have (been forced t0) cut off contact for my part with A2. I had hoped to avoid that step, but for the time being, it is necessary. This, not surprisingly, causes me a degree of anxiety in that I loathe "hurting" anyone if I can avoid it. And, I am concerned about a sudden/unexpected conversation/contact that could/might occur where the hurt feelings and disappointment will come back to the fore.
In other words, I'm rather continually anxious that I may get a phone call I don't wish to answer, or an email contact that would express angst and upset and hurt.... etc.
I really had hoped that A2 would make the adjustment sooner and more adroitly than she has.
Here's what's happened:
I was on vacation (first half with B) late last month while still "on speaking terms" with A2. Well, to my chagrin, A2 texted me halfway through the week (about the time I had thought about giving her a ring). I didn't keep it, but it was something along the line of "missing you so much and I still love you and I miss out daily chats...." This over 6 weeks after I "broke up" with her. Come on!
I might have let that go by (although I didn't reply to her text or call her as I had intended to as "my friend"....)
But, then I got what my son referred to as a "drunk dialing" voicemail from her on Halloween night. It started out with the music "Wild Thing" in the background, and the message was a little self-pitying "I'm sitting here thinking of you and playing Wild Thing, (I think I "sang" that one time for her at karaoke) and missing you.... You are my world..... I just wish you'd give me a second chance...." yadayada... Additional note after some thought: what really troubled me about this voicemail was when she said, "I think your flight back is Sunday or Monday. I'm going to plan to be at the airport to greet you."
As if I haven't even told her I'm interested/involved with another.... without any details of my flight arrangements, etc, etc.... It troubled me greatly because it crossed over into "crazy". Something I'm a wee bit sensitive about.
Drunk dialing or not. It was out of line and it really really put me off.
Again, it's been WEEKS, and I've been VERY clear that I've moved on and only want to be friends. She's talked about not screwing up the friendship. Preserving it.... etc.
But, it's becoming increasingly clear that she's continuing to hope against hope " that we might get back together as a couple....
She does NOT understand that doing so is not in the cards for my part; and is antithetical to her political ambitions in our statewide organization as well.
Anyway, the result of these two untoward attempts at contact and restoration of relationship were/are that I've felt compelled to stop having communication at all. It appears to give A2 false hope. Enough of that!!
Then, we had our most recent meeting of our affliate's board of directors as well as the semi-annual delegate assembly.... I tried to be aloof and arms' length..... But, at lunch or end of the board meeting, A2 flagged me down before I left. "Remember me?? Are you still going to help me??" (with her statewide office campaign). I replied affably, but economically. She seemed a little disappointed, but not overly upset. Maybe a little relieved I remained friendly....
But, then, the next day at the assembly.... Oh my lord!! I was catching up with the aspects of the potential campaign, and announcement/strategy plans with A2's running mate.... when A2 happened by. There'd been a "bump in the road" on the announcement strategy. When A2 happened by, she glanced our direction and I responded in a breezy, friendly open manner. But, she was very upset. Tearfilled eyes. Her running mate thought it was related to the developments in the campaign and told her, "Oh, don't be so sad.... It will be all right". To which A2, barely in control (a rare, rare thing emotionally for her) said as she waved my direction, "He knows why I'm sad..."
It was going to get awkward, I'm afraid, but I was fortunately interrupted from the situation when another board member came by to visit with me. That gave A2 and me both a break from the emotionally charged situation....
Regardless, it wasn't lost on me.... and I have remained steadfast in my refusal to contact her now.
No false hope. She's having trouble making the adjustment. I can only control my actions and my choices. I choose to be very judicious now with contact, as it seems as if it's impossible for A2 to get on with things if I keep having "friendly" contact that she can interpret as hopeful.
I am quite happy with the relationship I find myself in. I don't wish to jeopardize it or complicate my life unnecessarily.
Still, the prospect of more hurt and/or some emotionally charged interaction continues to gnaw at me a bit all the time.
Time will tell.
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