weird work day

Trying to come down off an anxious place after a very strange work day. Hopefully journaling will help.

So, after 5 days of wondering what it was my boss and my "group leader" needed to talk to me about, this a.m. the talk occurred. Not bad, but not great. Aspects give me pause.

Particularly that about a young lady student employee we recently let go who apparently made a claim at the end that she felt as if I leered at her and it made her uncomfortable. Now, the plain truth is, I did find her to be a very attractive girl. But I never ever said or did anything that would be construed as inappropriate. I suppose it's possible that my eyes lit up as she walked by, or something like that -- but that's getting into reactions that are subliminal... and I don't know how that would be read or communicated in some manner. But I know I never stared at her in some inappropriate manner or any such thing as that. I was very circumspect.

But, I know I have a manner and bearing that apparently gets easily misconstrued. That, or I telepathically communicate that I am attracted when I am. But I try to be very disciplined about not ever expressing any such thing in any manner that is under my control. I think of a young woman friend of B's and mine who we came to care a lot about.... who used to hug me at the bar where she worked..... not hugs I initiated, and nothing occurred that could be misconstrued. Just friendly hugs. But she's highly attractive and once told B in response to a statement that, "We both care about you".... that she wasn't so sure I cared about her "in the right way...." Sigh.

But I really ended up seriously unnerved late this p.m. when my "group leader" went and talked to our group of student employee supervisors, one of who is a senior with literally a Playboy build. I find her highly highly attractive.... but again, I'm careful not to say anything, do anything, or whatever, that would let on that that is the case. Frankly, she'd find it creepy (which I suppose, if expressed and pursued, it IS creepy. )

Anyway, I guess this a.m.'s meeting made me wary about several aspects of dealing with our student employees. And I am particularly wary that young J could have picked up on and complained about my attraction to her, even though it is not and never will be expressed. She's complained before about my tendency (which I think I've ceased) to "wink" when I'm talking and kidding about. She tended to take that as flirtation - which it never was. Still, it will cause me a lot more grief if she expresses further discontent or concert or discomfort regarding my bearing or dealing with her.

I don't want to be anxious about this -- and again, I know there is nothing in the shadows waiting to come out -- but I know how damaging certain accusations can be. And the group leader and this young lady conversed on their own for most of an hour.

Hopefully I've minded my p's and q's well enough that nothing more or serious will ensue.... But I am a little concerned.......

Big breath..... leave it aside. Deal with whatever comes - tomorrow!!