Trauma sure runs deep

Trying to step back and just observe this feeling... but wow. My fiance' and I had some interaction this morning that probably should NOT trouble my mind and spirit, but it is. We're only a month from being married, by the way. 

So, we're due to take off on a vacation in a week. Well, I thought we were agreed to start out next Thursday - basically a 2 day drive to get to where we are going. She said, "No, I have to work on Thursday. You said we were leaving on the 28th. On Friday." "Honey, Friday is the 29th. Thursday is the 28th.... but it's OK. We can adjust."

Well, she got very frustrated, visibly upset. I tried to be reassuring that it was OK, that we'd be fine to adjust plans. And I stated that I wasn't sure if our conversations had not been complete, (thought to myself, "or maybe you just didn't listen") but she continued to express frustration.

She says it's with herself - that no matter what, she ALWAYS gets mixed up on our travel plan arrangements. She went on to state she's just quite frustrated with a number of things. I said, "with us?" and she said no, with other stuff.

I'm finding, not surprisingly, that I'm not completely buying that it's not frustration with me or us, at least not buying that emotionally.

OTOH, I should take her at her word as much as possible.

Which leads me to realizing that a LOT of what I'm feeling is an old tape(s) playing from the dark days with M.

Can't really talk about this with B, as it would be far too easy for her to feel or take blame or responsibility for my feelings - and that's not constructive.

Instead turning to this journal.

Good that it's been a while.

Hopefully I can shake this grey mood in short order. 

Especially since I really do think it's primarily old trauma rattling around after being triggered.

I don't have to let that control me or dictate my mood!! 

And I am looking forward to vacation WHENEVER we leave and get there!! NOLA!!