B unhappy

Well, last night B initiated a pretty rough conversation where she outlined her continuing fears and her unhappiness in the house, if not the relationship as a whole. Much of the same thing that has come out previously - typical emotional rehash... but christ, it just will not go away.

Near as I can tell she still feels as if she walks on eggshells around the house and has to work hard to "stay out of the way" "not use too much water" on and on. 

She made it clear that she's become a bit fearful that I might be waiting for the upcoming extended time off, and with her going in to therapy, to go on and end the relationship. I told her I had not been thinking to do that.... but upon some slight reflection, it is a thought....

The financial mismatch came up of course....

And, oh yes, apparently unavoidably with the typical American woman - the subject of (not) getting married. Apparently she's not nearly as comfortable in the nonmarital status as she's led me to believe. Hmmm... been there, done that.

So, I do have to admit here that it crosses my mind that with her getting back into therapy, it may prove out that it isn't possible for the two of us to have a long term relationship. That's crossed my mind as she repeatedly committed to getting in to therapy.... but the thought was after some time passed to see how things might or might not improve.

I know we tend toward a bit of codependent patterns. I am often finding myself avoiding X, Y or Z so as not to upset her or hurt her feelings. She'd say the same thing back I suppose.

I was a little surprised that she apparently sometimes stays away from the house longer than she wants to to give me some space (gosh, it might have been nice to KNOW that!!).

The list goes on.

Truth is I don't have enough personal emotional or physical space, but I've been reluctant to state a need because of her constant fearsomeness of my being unfaithful and all that jazz.  Alone time known to me would be nice....

I've been concerned that she used to need some alone time too, but hasn't pursued any such that I can think of in the last couple years.

I hear nothing of her seeing friends for lunch, no plans to take some time out with a lady friend (or gentleman for that matter) to do something.....

I'm not comfortable doing that for my part - but she supposedly has the connections to exercise now and again. I don't really have much connection socially to draw on. Maybe could develop if worked upon, but not really existent at this point.

Bottom line is that there is a bit too much not-quite-borderline stuff going on with her. Plus fibro; regular emotional crises; etc.

It is hard to see this going long long term.... It's also hard to see it ending and starting over.

In many ways, at our age, a relationship that is "good enough" really is....

All is not well but not bad with B

Last week B and I had a kind of nasty phone discussion - the usual anxiousness stuff. I don't recollect all the particulars, except that she had become concerned the night before in a discussion about holiday time off that I wanted to go out of town by myself but didn't want to say so.

I told her clearly and cogently that that had not entered my mind, frankly because to even "go there" would cause too many problems -- so I don't entertain such thoughts.

But the conversation got pressed a bit, and without much further ado, kicked off a pretty serious PTSD for me. It frankly has stuck with me a little bit.

Even today, actually a week later and almost to the hour, she called this time "just to say hi" because she'd been quite tired and in bed when I left.... But I answered with wariness, and after I hung up, I realized that I have come to associate mid-morning calls from B with issues and anxieties and upset.

This is NOT good.

The fact of the matter is there is quite a bit, and more all the time, about B that reminds me of M and makes me concerned that I am back in some of the same patterns as I've had in the past.

I am TRYING however to be patient (yet again within a relationship) because B is just this week starting in on some mental health therapy.

I am frankly not sure what I think or where my thoughts might go at this point given free range.

I THINK that in terms of 50+ y.o. people, we're neither of us terribly irredeemedly damaged. But, more and more I'm questioning the match.

And yet, I think there is goodness here as well.

And I'm reluctant to wade back into the dating waters.... There are those I'd consider. T-city, V on my local board, maybe Heather who works for the union office.... (except she has a teen).

But a big part of me would just like this to work out with B because it's really the path of least resistance, and I know she'd be a good caretaker for me should that day come.... And as a man with a more than slight potential of Alzheimer's, knowing I'd have a good, dedicated woman to help care for me is no small consideration! 

But then, T city would be that way too.... Shrug. 

Sunday night past (catch up post)

Interesting experience last Sunday night. Concert night. M had contacted me a couple weeks prior wondering when the next Chorale concert might be and speaking of how it had been a long time since she'd heard us.... Then asked for 2 tix and said she would plan to be there.  Fine with me, and I also let B know and she was ok with it too.... So, with 2 tix, I figured M must be bringing a date. I thought it was interesting that she had finally surfaced in this way. It's actually been a while since I got any crazy messages of any sort from her. They've been few and civil and curt. But not crazy. So, I thought that might be some marginal life progress, LOL. And, as long as she was coming this way, I put in an order for soap and lotion.

So, during the concert, I observed that much of the time M had a pretty grim look on her face. Clearly looked stressed.... I suspect she thought it would be "easier" than it apparently was on her emotionally to be there.  I also observed that I recognized her date!!

After the concert ended, at the back of the church I encountered her and her date (B was likely in the other room or with her mother.....). M courteously introduced Dan (I had recollected his name began with D). I didn't let on that I had met him in the past and he didn't say anything to that effect either. (He had dated a tall, pretty soprano for several years. She's been long gone from the group and I cannot remember her name.) Just found it interesting. Meanwhile, M was showing a great deal of urgency in getting gone. Explained she didn't have my order yet and would bring it to my area later in the week. Meantime I could see the redness of her eyes - she clearly had been on the verge of tears for some period... Sad that this was tough on her, here 4 years later!!

So, that was one interesting thing.....

Another was Carrie - a young soprano who I had wondered if she was flirting with me.... had a boyfriend in attendance at the social after. Whew. Sure glad I hadn't conducted myself in any kind of foolish old man way with her!! Would not want to be the "creepy older guy". LOL. 

Truly, I had thought in various ways that this young maybe not even 30 y.o. lady had been flirtatious with me and I had wondered what to do with that. Flattering.... An interesting idea. Comes from a very nice family, mom and bro sing with us as well..... So it was just as well to discover she has a BF and he's serious enough to be shown in public (although quite a bit more unkempt than I might have expected).

So there was actually a bit of relief on my part to discover that I was probably misreading friendliness.... and fortunately hadn't acted on my "misreading".

Then again, some women like much older guys...... hmmmmm......