B unhappy

Well, last night B initiated a pretty rough conversation where she outlined her continuing fears and her unhappiness in the house, if not the relationship as a whole. Much of the same thing that has come out previously - typical emotional rehash... but christ, it just will not go away.

Near as I can tell she still feels as if she walks on eggshells around the house and has to work hard to "stay out of the way" "not use too much water" on and on. 

She made it clear that she's become a bit fearful that I might be waiting for the upcoming extended time off, and with her going in to therapy, to go on and end the relationship. I told her I had not been thinking to do that.... but upon some slight reflection, it is a thought....

The financial mismatch came up of course....

And, oh yes, apparently unavoidably with the typical American woman - the subject of (not) getting married. Apparently she's not nearly as comfortable in the nonmarital status as she's led me to believe. Hmmm... been there, done that.

So, I do have to admit here that it crosses my mind that with her getting back into therapy, it may prove out that it isn't possible for the two of us to have a long term relationship. That's crossed my mind as she repeatedly committed to getting in to therapy.... but the thought was after some time passed to see how things might or might not improve.

I know we tend toward a bit of codependent patterns. I am often finding myself avoiding X, Y or Z so as not to upset her or hurt her feelings. She'd say the same thing back I suppose.

I was a little surprised that she apparently sometimes stays away from the house longer than she wants to to give me some space (gosh, it might have been nice to KNOW that!!).

The list goes on.

Truth is I don't have enough personal emotional or physical space, but I've been reluctant to state a need because of her constant fearsomeness of my being unfaithful and all that jazz.  Alone time known to me would be nice....

I've been concerned that she used to need some alone time too, but hasn't pursued any such that I can think of in the last couple years.

I hear nothing of her seeing friends for lunch, no plans to take some time out with a lady friend (or gentleman for that matter) to do something.....

I'm not comfortable doing that for my part - but she supposedly has the connections to exercise now and again. I don't really have much connection socially to draw on. Maybe could develop if worked upon, but not really existent at this point.

Bottom line is that there is a bit too much not-quite-borderline stuff going on with her. Plus fibro; regular emotional crises; etc.

It is hard to see this going long long term.... It's also hard to see it ending and starting over.

In many ways, at our age, a relationship that is "good enough" really is....