Interesting dream just this a.m.... I meant to let it continue, but something woke me.
Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.
As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s
Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.
A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.
I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.
I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.
D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).
D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....
Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....
Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"
I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....
strange!!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
by golly, I have jealous feelings, too!
Well, this is quite interesting to me as I explore new aspects of life and of my self. For the SECOND time in recent memory, I ACTUALLY FEEL A BIT JEALOUS of B's involvement with another(s).
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
Before the holiday
(catch up).... before the holiday, which I'm spending with my grand-D, etc, out of state, B and I spent quite a little time together in the week before I left.... No sex, simply hanging out, enjoying company, cuddling for the night, etc....
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Day after plus
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Hexagram spread of the Druid Craft tarot re: B
card 1 - two of cups -- the apparent, conscious issue.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
Ebb and flow with B
I feel like B is detached again.... and I'm tending, as usual, toward some of my PTSD-based reactions (per my therapist yesterday). I need to communicate more actively and directly and quit avoiding the prospect of difficult conversations. My T suggested asking outright, courteously worded questions, and perhaps challenging B a bit -- like over the "issues" arising over the (last) weekend and some assumptions B made and her corresponding reactions....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
Amaryllis
Mostly a placeholder.... some days / couple weeks ago, B channelled one of my key guides--
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
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