When, how, what with A2?

Then there comes the question.... If I truly feel that in terms of relationship and deeper intimacy, that which I have with A2 is pretty superficial... .How long should I let that continue??

How do I move to a more honest situation between her and I? And how do I do that with a minimum of hurtfulness??

Will the friendship endure??

A2 thinks of me as her significant other. I haven't been comfortable with that since she started using the term. But, that's where she is....

My, my, my....

Have I hardened my heart?

What is love? How do you find healthy love?

How long will I distrust my heart....??

How do I distinguish between love, person addiction, or infatuation?

I feel like I'm 16 and I am really lost....

So, now what?

ssThat is the question that arises.... A2 calls at somewhat earlier times than she had been in the habit of.... 9ish instead of the usual 10 p.m.... Partly because I've been less accessible due to B's visits... Partly, I am thinking, because she's getting suspicious.... Fair enough.

B and I had some notable conversation last night as I gingerly broached the fact that we've become fully sexual, which brings up issues of sexual health and safety. (B has latex sensitivity, and hence tends toward unprotected sex, when she feels physically and emotionally safe to have it....

I had been wondering what other involvements she may have or have had since last February. I also was certain that she's rightfully been wondering about my situation with A2. B deferred to me going first, since I brought the subject matter up.... and I told her point-blank that my situation had not changed. No other involvements. But, still a sexual connotation to my friendship with A2.

I don't recall the whole conversation in series, but we covered important aspects.... She indicated she had not mentioned the one gentleman (W) that I knew she was also involved with last winter because she's no longer involved with him. She indicated she'd done a lot of dating since I broke things off with her. But, as for my concern that a flippant remark she'd made about "the whole hooking up with internet dates ..... " it had no sexual reference as she meant it. Just meant to say it's a weird dating world to dive into.

She is also seeing "Bob". Slightly attracted to him, but not nearly to the extent that she is to me. She "could" become sexual with Bob, but has not as yet.... She made it plain she'd frankly rather get full blown into a relationship with me. (Funny, I think we already have one...)

By that, I'm given to understand a full-time (with space for each of us, of course), exclusive situation. No doubt, she'd keep her apartment.....

I asked her straight up: "Do you love me?" Meaning, as she clearly understood, "Are you in love with me?". She said, "I think I might be. Pretty much.".

I admitted to her (not without trepidation) that I'm having similar thoughts....

She did say, though, that if I was going to continue to have a deep relationship with A2, that things between us would need to stay pretty static -- where they are (not ceasing, not deepening involvement either one). And, she wasn't going to remain exclusive with me if the fact of the situation with A2 remains as it is.

I find that fair. I wasn't presuming B and I were exclusive, so I hadn't contemplated her feeling of exclusiveness with me, while I continue to nurture two vital, important relationships....

Anyway, what I told her re: A2 is exactly how I feel. I care a lot for her. It's a very deep friendship. But, after the time that's gone by, I would expect to be in love with her if that's where that was going to go. But it hasn't. (Truly, that was one of my purposes in ending things with B last February -- to "clear the decks" so that A2 and I could become as deeply involved as we could.... I have come to realize that the friendship is fairly deep... but intimacy-wise, it's superficial between us.... THAT is probably a whole different posting....)

I went on to say, "I'll put it this way. I know I am not in love with A2. I cannot say that about you. I'm not saying I AM in love. But I also cannot say that I am NOT.

We also explored a bit why I had put things before with the breakup in terms of my emotional UNhealth. B still took / assumed some responsibility even though I tried to make it clear that it was not who / what she was or anything she was particularly doing.

I explained, as best I could, that for any number of reasons, finding it harder to read B, for instance, being pretty sensitive to how she might react, etc, etc.... I had tended to fall back into an old, unhealthy emotional pattern. Avoidance, PTSD reactions.... etc. I tried very hard to make it clear that it was ME. Not her. ME.

I further stated that going down this conversational road was in part due to my trying hard not to repeat that set of behaviors with her this time.

I think the conversation went fairly well. I suspect from a text message I received that B is still a bit bothered by some aspects.... But I do think it went well.

I'd like to think we have a friendship bond that will last. It may very well become a love relationship bond for a time as well. I'm just not buying that I'm ready for that one last time and forever relationship just yet.

But, as they say, people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime.

I think it's unlikely that I've found anyone yet to be that one for the rest of my lifetime.

Weird-ass mood I'm in

Back to seeing B regularly, but trying to keep a lid on it. Still close with A2, but troubled that I don't see that relationship becoming deeply loving and affectionate. It will always be some variation of close friendship, perhaps with benefits for however that lasts.... but I don't see it becoming more....

With B, I am back to being totally confused about my feelings toward her. I can't tell the difference between perhaps, just perhaps, being "in love" vs just plain relationship / person addiction. I'm really quite flummoxed.

That one is a far more affectionate relationship when we get together. We both find it easy to be with the other. Goddammit. I just don't know what the hell....

I also have found myself intrigued, surprised (but not really troubled) by jealousy toward her. I presume she sees others, as she presumes of me... .I expect her to be tolerant of my freedom and other interests.. and I should be of hers.... Yet, more than a few times, when I've not reached her... I've presume she's dating or with another gentleman... and I'm actually a bit jealous of it. An odd feeling for me.

I'm looking for the right conversational time to bring truths, from both of us, out into the open. I'd like to think that I / we could handle being a bit more open and honest about each other and other involvements.... but, who knows for sure...

And then... there's the new possibility on the horizon. Old flame from high school, living in FL, who has come back into my universe. Strictly email friends right now. S hasn't even braved phoning me even though she has my number. She also hasn't shared whether she's seeing anyone there nor asked about my dating life.... Interesting. She's worn well through the years.

another story... maybe much yet to be told....

and Mel.... seems to be cold and out of the picture for this lifetime. I know there's a strong metaphysical connection... but she's not seeming to get over her angst....

Michelle and Jackie

Just recording a pleasant memory. Went to Harpers tonight to drink craft beer and listen to the music on one of the stages for the local folk festival. Conversation struck up with two very beautiful young women, 21 y.o.. Michelle, from Grand Rapids, and Jackie from Okemos. Very smart young women who did their BAs in 3 years and have each started second degree programs.

I think I was some safe, male energy for them. They talked (esp Jackie) about how intimidating guys their age find smart, independent, self-assured women. We had great conversation and camaraderie. But, nothing that crossed any lines and nothing tawdry.

They were headed to a local dance club afterwards that I would have had to beg off of, had they invited me along. Too loud and smoky!

But I definitely hope to encounter them again. I appreciated their energy and conversation, and I think the inverse was also true.

Shivered

Today's horoscope (Holiday Mathis) for me:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You'll meet your match. Either this person is so much like you that you'll be talking for hours or so different from you that you'll be listening for hours. Either way, there's fantastic chemistry.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You'll be filled with strong feelings. Your passion can move mountains if you apply it well. Contain your enthusiasm just enough to match the tone of your surroundings and then bring it up notch by notch.

and.... well, what has happened but one of my favorite GFs from High School just today confirmed me as a friend on FB... AND put up pix before the end of the day AND still seems quite comely to me at this point....

I wonder..... Truly gives me a touch of the shivers....

Plus, I had been thinking about where to try and vacation yet this year "on my own"... I had had a fleeting thought about Daytona Fl.... and guess where SP lives?? Yup. Not quite jumping to make the reservations.... but.... it is crossing my mind. Let things develop over a few days and see...

Still, even if it was just a connection with an old classmate and sweetheart in the area... why not??

hmmmm......