Weird-ass mood I'm in

Back to seeing B regularly, but trying to keep a lid on it. Still close with A2, but troubled that I don't see that relationship becoming deeply loving and affectionate. It will always be some variation of close friendship, perhaps with benefits for however that lasts.... but I don't see it becoming more....

With B, I am back to being totally confused about my feelings toward her. I can't tell the difference between perhaps, just perhaps, being "in love" vs just plain relationship / person addiction. I'm really quite flummoxed.

That one is a far more affectionate relationship when we get together. We both find it easy to be with the other. Goddammit. I just don't know what the hell....

I also have found myself intrigued, surprised (but not really troubled) by jealousy toward her. I presume she sees others, as she presumes of me... .I expect her to be tolerant of my freedom and other interests.. and I should be of hers.... Yet, more than a few times, when I've not reached her... I've presume she's dating or with another gentleman... and I'm actually a bit jealous of it. An odd feeling for me.

I'm looking for the right conversational time to bring truths, from both of us, out into the open. I'd like to think that I / we could handle being a bit more open and honest about each other and other involvements.... but, who knows for sure...

And then... there's the new possibility on the horizon. Old flame from high school, living in FL, who has come back into my universe. Strictly email friends right now. S hasn't even braved phoning me even though she has my number. She also hasn't shared whether she's seeing anyone there nor asked about my dating life.... Interesting. She's worn well through the years.

another story... maybe much yet to be told....

and Mel.... seems to be cold and out of the picture for this lifetime. I know there's a strong metaphysical connection... but she's not seeming to get over her angst....