ssThat is the question that arises.... A2 calls at somewhat earlier times than she had been in the habit of.... 9ish instead of the usual 10 p.m.... Partly because I've been less accessible due to B's visits... Partly, I am thinking, because she's getting suspicious.... Fair enough.
B and I had some notable conversation last night as I gingerly broached the fact that we've become fully sexual, which brings up issues of sexual health and safety. (B has latex sensitivity, and hence tends toward unprotected sex, when she feels physically and emotionally safe to have it....
I had been wondering what other involvements she may have or have had since last February. I also was certain that she's rightfully been wondering about my situation with A2. B deferred to me going first, since I brought the subject matter up.... and I told her point-blank that my situation had not changed. No other involvements. But, still a sexual connotation to my friendship with A2.
I don't recall the whole conversation in series, but we covered important aspects.... She indicated she had not mentioned the one gentleman (W) that I knew she was also involved with last winter because she's no longer involved with him. She indicated she'd done a lot of dating since I broke things off with her. But, as for my concern that a flippant remark she'd made about "the whole hooking up with internet dates ..... " it had no sexual reference as she meant it. Just meant to say it's a weird dating world to dive into.
She is also seeing "Bob". Slightly attracted to him, but not nearly to the extent that she is to me. She "could" become sexual with Bob, but has not as yet.... She made it plain she'd frankly rather get full blown into a relationship with me. (Funny, I think we already have one...)
By that, I'm given to understand a full-time (with space for each of us, of course), exclusive situation. No doubt, she'd keep her apartment.....
I asked her straight up: "Do you love me?" Meaning, as she clearly understood, "Are you in love with me?". She said, "I think I might be. Pretty much.".
I admitted to her (not without trepidation) that I'm having similar thoughts....
She did say, though, that if I was going to continue to have a deep relationship with A2, that things between us would need to stay pretty static -- where they are (not ceasing, not deepening involvement either one). And, she wasn't going to remain exclusive with me if the fact of the situation with A2 remains as it is.
I find that fair. I wasn't presuming B and I were exclusive, so I hadn't contemplated her feeling of exclusiveness with me, while I continue to nurture two vital, important relationships....
Anyway, what I told her re: A2 is exactly how I feel. I care a lot for her. It's a very deep friendship. But, after the time that's gone by, I would expect to be in love with her if that's where that was going to go. But it hasn't. (Truly, that was one of my purposes in ending things with B last February -- to "clear the decks" so that A2 and I could become as deeply involved as we could.... I have come to realize that the friendship is fairly deep... but intimacy-wise, it's superficial between us.... THAT is probably a whole different posting....)
I went on to say, "I'll put it this way. I know I am not in love with A2. I cannot say that about you. I'm not saying I AM in love. But I also cannot say that I am NOT.
We also explored a bit why I had put things before with the breakup in terms of my emotional UNhealth. B still took / assumed some responsibility even though I tried to make it clear that it was not who / what she was or anything she was particularly doing.
I explained, as best I could, that for any number of reasons, finding it harder to read B, for instance, being pretty sensitive to how she might react, etc, etc.... I had tended to fall back into an old, unhealthy emotional pattern. Avoidance, PTSD reactions.... etc. I tried very hard to make it clear that it was ME. Not her. ME.
I further stated that going down this conversational road was in part due to my trying hard not to repeat that set of behaviors with her this time.
I think the conversation went fairly well. I suspect from a text message I received that B is still a bit bothered by some aspects.... But I do think it went well.
I'd like to think we have a friendship bond that will last. It may very well become a love relationship bond for a time as well. I'm just not buying that I'm ready for that one last time and forever relationship just yet.
But, as they say, people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime.
I think it's unlikely that I've found anyone yet to be that one for the rest of my lifetime.
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