Microexpressions and non-responses

  Ugh. Contemplating that of late, I'm feeling a bit anxious within the marriage / relationship. Seems like I often have anxiety over the possibility I might offend, upset, or "hurt" B - all are pretty easy to do, sigh. Or anxious in the evening, at bedtime that I have already and there'll be a price to pay. 

We both come from some pathological places. Not sociopathic, just some patterns from childhood and other relationships that spill over into "US". 

Plus, we are both really good at noticing (and taking responsibility for micro expressions and the emotions behind them.... even if no words are exchanged. 

I suspect part of what I'm encountering is B's continuing mood struggle. She's trying life without any SSRI and that's making her more anxious and irritable.... 

Not really much to do with all this. Just acknowledging and noting the feelings and experience. 

Realized I have left something out.... It's clear (too often) that B is regularly concerned / anxious about making me "mad" or angry.... Similar set of feelings for her. One trouble beyond, though, is that she can take the most minor statement or expression of irritation as my being "really angry" and usually "at me". Etc. It's rare I'm really, truly angry at her. And infrequent that I get particularly angry at all. I've mellowed with age.... 

NOT mad at YOU, just MAD!

 Posted to the wrong blog a few weeks back. Dammit. 

 Stupid little fubar... microwave had overheated. Thinking MAYBE B had left a stove burner on a bit too long.... 

realized the microwave had shut down (thermal protection) just before I meant to put my steel cut oats in for overnight oats. 

Had to remove a half bushel of napkins, dish towels, and other linens and felt pretty PISSED. WHY would two people need SO many of ANY of that shit?? Unbelievable how many dish rags, towels, placemats, and sundry shit was in the cupboard and in my way of the damned outlet to check. Fuck! 

Had to find something to test for current at the outlet. Fuss with a step stool. Generally just shitty and pissy and feeling like FUUUUUCCKKK!!! 

Of COURSE B would wonder out as I'm trying to be withdrawn and NOT show my pique. She must have tried 3-4 different ways to be the REASON the microwave had shut down. I.DID.NOT WANT.TO.LAY.IT.AT HER.FEET. 

Even if it was a burner left on a bit too long (lighting a joint). Who the FUCK cares. 

I KNOW she's extremely sensitive to pique or anger and I was TRYING to keep it to myself! 

But NOOOOOO..... 

Goddammit. 

Couldn't leave it alone..... 

She's "gone to bed" (avoiding a fight, which is good).... but she sure as HELL could have left the whole matter alone for fuck's sake. Just let me recover the way I needed to.....

After all, she apparently needs someone who is MILD MANNERED and nonplussed no matter the fuck what. 

JFC. 

Not happy!!

Birthday, mixed feelings, relationship(s).... sigh

 My 66th tomorrow. Mixed feelings about a variety of things. For starters, the realization that today is my first birthday without my mother who passed last January. It's a little sad to realize.... She wasn't capable of getting and sending a card the last couple years of her life, or of calling me on her own really for that matter. But those last couple years I'm sure I called her and acknowledged the day with her. Last few times I reminded her that I was her "oldest, smartest, and best looking kid...." which always gave her a laugh. 

Second thing on my mind is my wife and her over-sensitivity. Had one of "those" moments yesterday, completely out of the damned blue. Something triggered a memory for her of us having been on a date to BW3, which I didn't particularly recall... upon which she instantly recollected that there was another time there where "you stood me up". Sigh. Upon sleep and reflection I do recall a dinner there. But nothing memorable. But EVERY damned thing is memorable to B because (I think) she's constantly in an emotionally hurting or troubled place inside. They say memories are a combination of event plus emotion. So she has LOTS where me, not being terribly emotional... have many fewer. 

I also realize (different subject now) there are regularly instances where I need to be more verbal. In this case it's about bubbly and about intimate times (opportunity for that anyway) that "could happen later. I know with the latter I tend to be reserved as such usually does not pan out. 

I guess "it is what it is...."

financial conversations spook me a lot!

 Well this is interesting. I see the last time my blog was almost exactly a year ago corresponded with our anniversary. Which is tomorrow. But I like that time I'm not having negative feelings and troublesome understandings about B. this is more about how interesting it is that certain conversations or situations bring on an anxious response for me.

So the backstory is that my wife had to have reconstruction of her upper front teeth at a cost of 8000 or so dollars to the periodontist, and $6600 to her dentist for four implants. I paid the $8000 because my resources are much greater than hers and she seemed to need that help. I do remember with some chagrin that when I offered to help her with the cost meaning something different in my mind like maybe 1/3 of the cost, she interpreted it as offering to pay at least half. Fortunately at this point in life I am able to be that generous.

Her general dentist wanted at least half of that bill paid and I agreed to loan my wife the money and take advantage of a very low interest charge offer on one of my credit cards. That bill becomes due in July and if not paid off incur way too much interest. She still seems to be concerned about how she will pay her portion of this treatment. And I have offered to bridge the situation further if needed.

I just today let her know about the July due date. And she wanted to know if I was asking her to pay me back by then. Again I don't want to be on empathetic or on generous. And I simply repeated that if necessary I could move assets and continue to let her take some time. The conversation was in no way negative or confrontational and I have a little reason to react poorly other than my past history in other relationships perhaps.

I observed that my anxiety level and blood pressure I think both went up after we concluded that conversation. And I even observed some muscular tension that occurred in my body.

Obviously we need to be able to talk about money matters, and I sure hope I get a handle on my nerves.

Not a lot more I want to express with this blog other than I'm glad that I have come to a point where I can observe and contemplate some of my reactions instead of letting them run away with me.