Hmmmm..... My AA friend is confused and confusing me... I care about her deeply. I could fall in love with her, really easily.... Teetering on the edge sometimes....
We are very natural together. Very comfortable. More so than she sometimes realizes. SHE had a friend who saw us together and commented how "relaxed" she looked while with me.... clearly her friend thought she was seeing a great match....
Well, my friend is very trepidatious because of past hurts. And, I'm not sure she's entirely recognizing her own feelings.... She's close to falling for me, too. That could get really complicating....
Why do I think she's nearly in love.... well, if I don't call her every day, she calls me. We're very good friends, and parts of us want to be much more. She talks of the difficulties of being mixed race as a couple -- tests my comfort level with that.
But, the most telling is this. She is in a leadership position in her area and has experienced the deaths of two staff people she knew over the course of two weeks. AA cares deeply about her folks. I knew she was hurting, and that she could use some support. So I sent her a nice note of sympathy. Showed some deep caring (because I care deeply for her).... She got that note Friday night, went to the funeral on Saturday... and told me last night that all she was thinking about about there was me. The deceased had the same birthday as me. She also was the "only woman in a sea of men" -- which AA kind of correlated to me (having been the oldest of 4, 2 brothers, two sons, two step-sons....)
AA took the note as indicating that I was falling or in love with her (not quite, but I could...) What I DON'T think she's in touch with is that it's been SO LONG since she's allowed anyone into her universe, to care deeply and express loving concern..... that I do and express it makes some unfamiliar loving feelings arise for her....
But, this is really quite the challenge for me, as well..... I thought she would only get more involved if she was in a permanent, one-last relationship, etc..... but I'm not sure that's the case. I feel as if we're likely to go further than I had expected.... more than friends with benefits, but less than a full-blown, exclusive relationship.
I don't know how I feel about that. I think I need to be able to have the latitude to explore the possibilities with TC, but I don't want to abrogate my relationship with AA.
And, knowing that TC could really end up moving overseas in a couple of years, really puts a touch of concern and confusion into that possible relationship in my mind.....
Like I said, I thought my visit with TC would help clarify the pathway..... but nope!! Gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and just see where life leads me.
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