First love, RIP

 A little bit sad today. Found out last evening that a schoolmate (middle and high) had passed away. Reached out to a relative of hers by marriage and found out the dear lady had battled Huntington’s Disease for 3 years. Her husband (who stole her away from me in high school. Well, not really, she’d moved on from our steady relationship) - he cared for her privately in their home for those final years. 

Kim was very special to me. I think we started dating in eighth grade for me seventh for her. We were in orchestra and I had been moved from violin to viola. I joined as last chair in the section right beside Kim. It's hard to remember all the particulars and there's no need to. We started seeing each other at school going steady some dates here and there thanks to our moms. They thought we were cute. I was absolutely in love with her. I remember being welcomed to her house by her parents who were very gracious. Years later, I ran into her mother Beverly, who is still warm and gracious good memories. 

Things changed a bit when Kim started high school. She applied herself to her instrument more seriously than I did and began to move up in the Viola section. That was when she first began to leave me behind lol. If I recall correctly when I was a junior and she was a sophomore she cooled our relationship. The high school Orchestra’s  very talented concert master caught her interest. It was reciprocal. We ended that youthful relationship on friendly terms. They married straight out of high school I think. They've been together all this time.

Still, it stings a little, it always stung that she left me and I never felt like I stopped loving her, though. I moved onto other relationships, of course.

Had an additional memory. I used to regularly visit my hometown, a small place in Southern Michigan. And whenever I was there, I almost always would stop at my former choir directors home and talk with him and his wife Barbara, who was a excellent violinist and teacher of violin. At some point I found out that Kim's widowed mother had moved next-door to my former teachers. It made sense since she was mother-in-law to their oldest son. Grandkids visiting could visit both household easily. Anyway, once I knew about her living right next-door, I made a point of always knocking and saying hello to her as well. She always seemed to appreciate it and she was always warm.

It was a privilege to know both those families

Rust in peace, my first love, Kim

Could have….

 Referencing the prior two entries…. 

Last weekend rather randomly (not recollecting what triggered the thought) I realized that I could have ended up being a widower. There’s a good chance had I fallen more in love with A2 than B and selected that relationship at the “fork in the road”, A2 and I might well have married. 

Come to think of it, the latest AARP bulletin featured stories of those seniors who experience the “joys of living alone" - so that’s what got my wheels turning

Truly strange and disquieting

My long-time past friend with benefits, an awkward reference, who passed on my dad's b-day..... 

I'm in the proximity of her Franklin St residence....

It's very strange to be near places that make me recall her. Like Zingerman's Roadhouse, and Westgate shopping plaza. 

Booked my hotel room for a yearly follow up to my surgery - found a good deal on the west side of the city. 

did NOT expect to find being in the back yard of LSC's home on Franklin (1650, to be precise) to be very strange.

Zingerman's, Westgate. 

Making me recollect a great, great friend - one which I daresn't speak of to B....

Life is funny. 

A significant passing; private remembrance

 A2 passed away a few days back. On my dad's (RIP) birthday of 4/22/2024. She was a significant friend in my life for nearly two years, late 2007 to Fall 2009. I hope she found some genuine happiness. 

One obit I first found mentioned she left us "peacefully", which to me is a euphemism for cancer or similar. She was born in 1952 and dies too early in life. 

I regret that friendship had to end. 

RIP Linda 

Just some continuation of thought here. It's a very odd feeling to know of the passing of someone who was a great friend to you long back, that you might have fallen in love with - but the "stars didn't align", plus eventually through therapy work I learned more about the limitations for Linda's emotional make-up. Things such as, eventually having her confess that she'd been pretty well in love with me by the time we even began to see each other in any more than casual way. Just, due to past hurts and pain, could not face that feeling and speak of it... that is, until it was too late. 

I can't really speak of her passing to B, as A2 had been a "love rival" that B anxiously feared I might return to for several years, despite my FIRM boundary-setting with Linda and cutting off all contact because the latter couldn't stay within those appropriate boundaries. 

All said though, she was an important part of my transition from an abusive relationship and toward more healthy relationship dynamics. Just not with her, ultimately. 

I hope she found some new love in her years since, some happiness with another(s). But, I note that in her obituaries there's none but direct family relatives who survive her. That makes me a little sad for her. 

I also saw where she "left peacefully" which I fear means she had dreadful health issues that caused her to pass too early. No other hint though, such as encouragement to contribute memorial gifts to cancer research or heart disease or what have you. 

I am amused that from the working of her primary obituary, I suspect she knew she was soon to pass away and dictated or wrote it herself. 

She was quite the spirited, lovely, loving person. 

I miss knowing she's still around and (hoping) having her best life... Sigh. 

On the metaphysical side... which I am always reluctant to acknowledge, Linda came to my mind early this week when I had memories strike me of being on the phone as the late talk shows came on. I think mainly Jay Leno, and talking about the show / watching it "together" on the phone. Was a bit of a tradition for a short time of my life. There's a good chance that thought that floated through was related to her passing time, coming on or even nearly correspondent with. 

I never thought ill of her, never regretted our involvement. Greatly value the friendship (and the benefits) though it did have to end for the sake of my committed relationship. Nonetheless, my memories are by and large warm and positive. 

A surprise move to be snowbirds

 Welp, McB has come to have such awful problems with cold weather, I started looking for a senior mobile home community opportunity for next snowbird season. Found one in Punta Gorda, great looking listing, reasonable pricing. Nice park / community. Lucked out that McB's sister and BIL were in the area visiting just as I was considering making an offer. 

Anyway, bottom line is we have a place now. Upside. Downside is that the spending budget for retirement just went up by a third or so. Ouch. 

Oh, I didn't mention that? Yep. After 32 years in a professional position, last 4 performing the job remotely, it's time to let that go. Retirement commences mid-summer. Can finally manage my own time every day and every hour. Looking forward to finding new ways to be engaged and interacting with others. Should be easy in the retirement village. Have to work a little harder here at home. 

Cheers!! 

Major surgery entered the picture. Ugh

 Well folks, on November 8, 2023 I underwent some major surgery. Always assumed the surgeries in my future were more likely to be related to knee or hip issues. Fortunately not yet. Instead, has a follow up to a hospitalization last June for a severe upper G.I. Hemorrhage, which, according to the gastroenterology doctor, most likely originated from a diverticulum of my esophagus. That turned out to be a large diverticulum.

So, specifically doctors at a university hospital performed some pretty significant surgery on me going in between my seventh and eighth rib. To be specific: TRANSTHORACIC (left thoracotomy) EPIPHRENIC DIVERTICULECTOMY WITH LONG MYOTOMY,  Belsey Fundplication (Left)

In two days it will be two weeks. I've actually mended pretty well considering what was done. I was able to get off of oxycodone about four days after discharge last Tuesday. For the last 2 1/2 days I've been coping with pain slowly using Tylenol. Pretty damn good. being off the opioid means I don't have any restriction on driving or, in the realm of bad habits, are we dram of whiskey, or such. Cannot do beer or any carbonated beverage. Probably not for a months. 

B, my wife was afraid I would be severely laid up and that has not been the case. I have needed very little extra attention or assistance. Kind of amazes me and it certainly amazes her. Although I think she'd like to do more for me, since she was psychologically prepared for that.

So today as I'm getting a little more into the day, I'm finding my main pain point is right on the curve of my left ribs where I presume they pried open as they had to reach the diverticulum and repair it. The incision reaches from the left of my back up to my left shoulder blade. The incision doesn't particularly hurt. Just rib pain as expected.

I really have nothing to complain about other than getting a little bored. I may try to go out later or I may leave any errand for tomorrow. We'll see. Meanwhile it's heating pad time I think.

Hurts not to hear from my oldest

 Acknowledging a bit of pain. We lost our oldest son last March just days shy of his 48th birthday. 

Today is my birthday and it is the first where I will not hear from him to wish me Happy Birthday. 

S was always the better of my two boys to remember the date and call. I think he used to remind his brother, D, so then I'd hear from him as well. 

Anyway, it's hurting a touch.... 

Best to acknowledge and feel a feeling and then let it go as best one can....

a little worried / anxious / mad

 Still stewing about my new PCP office treating my requested referrals as "routine". 

Very anxious to get this high PSA level checked. I imagine it means a "whole round" including the horror of another needle biopsy. Those are not fun. 

very challenging not to show an indication of my worries to B. But until I'm closer to some answer or at least knowing what I'll be chasing here I really don't want her worrying on top of trying to manage her own bad back pain issues. 

Sigh. Probably will try to touch base with my friend Erik - at least talk out loud to someone.

Oh shit - maybe prostate cancer

 Just had a lousy round of UTI - unusual in a male. Pretty well non-symptomatic now. 

Finally caught up on routine blood tests. I see a few anomalous results that have little meaning to me. BUT... .my damned PSA shows 45 (holy fuck!). 

Last time tested was 2021 - skipped blood tests by and large in 2022 because of the slow loss of my long time PCP - retiring - sold practice - easing out. 

Anyway, in 2021 PSA like 3.1 - normal range. 

Fucking HUGE jump in a year and a half or two. Worrisome. 

Keeping it to myself bcause B has her own painful serious conditions. Will wait for some diagnostic answers. 

Trying to be patient about the pending urology referral. Damned NP wrote it as "routine". Not hardly. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!! 

My own emotional struggle over the last 24 hours

 Unbeknownst to B last evening I had an episode as I was returning from the neighbors house it was very upsetting emotionally to me. There was a very young raccoon near the bottom of our footsteps who is clearly either badly injured the near death or has distemper or rabies but the poor thing was sick injured or suffering somehow. I wasn't sure it was safe for me to get some gloves and try to pick it up and ugly word dispose of it. I tried to use a flat shovel to pick it up and move it but it had enough life in it to scurry away we tried to go toward its den under the porch but I did stop it from doing that at first. Honestly though all I really did was probably injure it further, panic it, made things worse for the poor animal. It looked at me with such helplessness it was heartbreaking. I really had no reasonable way to put it out of its misery at least not that I could think of that was safe for me. But it's still a little emotionally wrenching to think about. After I tried to move it a couple of times you could struggle to get out on the tree lawn near the bottom of the tree which was a perfectly good place for it. But when I checked a couple of hours later it was partway back up the driveway I think it was trying to work its way back to its dad which I attempted to have blocked with that shovel. This morning to shovel was knocked over so either there was something in there when I blocked that pushed its way out or the sick little thing struggled and scratched and pulled despite waning strength and crawl back under the porch. I'm afraid that means we'll end up having a dead animal under there but it can't be helped. 

To be honest I thought B might've seen me trying to do something with the poor animal and  that what she was upset about but it wasn't. Of course for me I couldn't tell her about it she's so tenderhearted. Even though I was hurting a little even into the morning until we went to lunch.

After we got back from lunch I was really tired and I realize that some of my own emotional struggles were in place. I was planning to head to camp to prepare the motorhome to bring back today. She told me she had kind of hoped I would wait until tomorrow. So it occurred to what was making me feel so tired was a combination of feeling a little responsible for her insecure feelings and then also responsible for her wishing I stayed the day with her and left tomorrow. Bottom line feeling responsible for someone else's emotional state which is very tiring. Interestingly similar to her emotional weight lifted off of her when she explain herself from last night this morning, I found that on the drive to Camp Wai realization why I had been so tired and what the root of it while I felt better pretty quickly. 

Insecure feelings suck

 Last night after a walk I went and talked to the neighbor who moved in a few months back. My age exactly. Fairly attractive but hobbled up badly with a back problem. She has been working very hard to turn on her lawn into beautiful shrubbery and tree garden space. I've made a point to be careful not to engage too often but enough to be friendly and neighborly. Well, B was in a strange headspace with a headache and several drinks. I found out this morning that she had a bad reaction to my engaging with the neighbor. I could tell she was bothered about something last night but left it alone. When she was engaging with me this morning about the feelings she had she appreciated that I let it be. She said she didn't respond to my asking if something was wrong because she was afraid with her headache and drinks that we have a big fight which has happened before. She went to bed early pretty tired and that was that for now.

This morning she asked if we could talk about something and she went on to explain why she didn't say anything more last night which was good. She said at first she thought she felt jealousy. But then she realized what she was feeling was insecurity. And that's really all she wanted to say about it was that she had recognized the feeling and she knows there's not much reason to be feeling that way. I did of course again reassure her that I have no interest in getting involved with that neighbor other than just being friendly as a neighbor. 

I did tell her that we knew from the start of finding out that is 67-year-old single woman who's going to become our neighbor B would struggle with that it's on surprising that she still sometimes feels insecure considering. It's clear she'll never be completely over the beginning of our relationship where it was a little triangular with me dating her and A2. Best I can do is not overreact when she has these feelings. I know it's good that she's expressed herself and acknowledged it. Will leave it go with that. 

So easy doubt

 Couldn't recall if I actually specified in the last entry what happened to jazz me up, in a negative way... 

I'm really sorry to already see signs of insecurity and relationship anxiety and worry when 1) B hasn't even met DD and 2) the woman isn't yet a neighbor. 

I do hope B can get past that - she's nothing to worry about so far as I am concerned. I'm very committed to this marriage. 

I hope she finds a friend and not a rival. 

I told her in response to her worried inquiry that I don't think it's appropriate for ME to be friends (on my own) with DD. It's either got to be B and DD with me as the third wheel, OR me and B and DD as friendly acquaintances / neighbors. 

But I'm sure as heck not going to get into a position deliberately that would have B constantly anxious because I'm around DD so much or whatever might transpire. 

I'll keep B informed and in the loop, certainly won't have clandestine and private communications or such. 

Nope. 

Oh fuck, she "went there"

 Goddamn it all to hell. 

We are soon (by the end of July) to have new neighbor. A nice lady named Deb....who is, god forbid, MY age, single, and fairly attractive. She's slender, well coiffed. Pretty outgoing, maybe extroverted. Bit of an over-sharer. But, by and large Deb seems like "a catch" for someone. 

B hasn't even me her yet. Her mood disorder flaring up from Thursday onward really prevented any introductory steps, sigh. 

For me, I've noted she's attractive. But also that she has some maladies (back) that are similar to B's. 

Regardless, I've been pretty certain and chagrined that when B finally meets Deb, she'll see her as a rival and potential sexual interest or more of mine. Never mind I committed to be faithful and bound to our "vows" and general rules. Beth is fucking hardwired to be fearful of losing her primary relationship... which, BTW, poisons the damned primary relationship. 

A little background - B has been crashing and bouncing relative to mood and depression since last Thursday. She's also NEVER really found herself totally in a place where she can believe i won't stray - even though I HAVE NO HISTORY OF CHEATING within my prior long term relationship nor this one. 

So, what brought this shit to the fore? Apparently, last night after it was lights out and we both were headed to bed, B observed a light on in the dining area, thought I'd left it on, or such, and witnessed me "doing something with my phone". I truly don't know what I might have been doing. Maybe reading at a new book, or seaching Google. What the ever! 

But, OF COURSE, she "went there" as she further inquired and wondered if I'd been texting with Deb and maybe having regular interaction. I assured her (truthfully) that I hadn't had any more direct conversation with Deb since Sunday when she knocked on our door. I did send an innocuous neighborly email, but not at the timeframe in question. 

So, to get to the REAL point - I am kind of pissed off. A lot is missing in the ticket. But it's also a frustration 

My own trials and triggers

 Not to miss a large part of why I'm roiled... 

B gets off her center. Quiet. Withdrawn. Perceptably upset even when she thinks not. 

Me, being the the codependent, caretaker I am - I search myself for blame, feel unnerved and disquieted until I "fix it" or the matter otherwise passes.... 

At least I understand these days, and have for years, what is going on inside me. Active, cognitive choices that I work through as best I can. 

Summary

PM triggers B; B triggers me; I help fix something, slightly better; something else triggers B; which triggers me; constant circular self examination thought pattern. 

So much fun!! 

Tree work, wake up!

 Oh yeah, 

Apparently DD is helping her new neighbor to the north (crazy dude) with getting some critical tree work done - issues with an old Norway maple that could result in damage to DD's place. I think, not sure, the noise and commotion may commence this morning, a Sunday, at 9ish. Which could wake B which won't be popular.... 

Oh well, what do you do... sigh. 

Mix of things

 Honestly not sure how coherent last night's post is - it was late and I was venting and getting thoughts out. Of course, the nature of journaling is that it can me whatever.... 

Just registered. that I'ved mixed this blog which started with my really crazy Ex - M, with entries for years as well about B. The latter mainly depressive and easily knocked off her emotional center. I also have the other blog that I suppose I meant for all things between B and me. Plenty of entries there. No way, I suppose to move entries from one to the other. Ugh. 

Oh well, the fact is I often feel like I'm back in Oz with B. But I have a better handle on my own thoughts and reactions and bases for same. 

On to the real bitching and moaning. 

So I mentioned the new neighbor, B really should meet. Prospect of friendship right nearby which would do a world of good I think. 

But... Thursday when I met her and tried to arrange a friendly drink dinner "on the H deck" B wasn't up to it because she was overwrought by her upset over the email she received from her practice manager about concerns that might result in having to reprocess claims. Don't need to go into a lot about that, other than the PM triggers B. 

Friday, I was able to sort out that B HAD sent proper, timely notice of a change in practice location in late February with arrangements to commence billing under that location as of 5/12. So, any screw up is on the PM company. 

That wasn't really enough to get B back on center and able to meet a new person. So, couldn't invite DD to go with us Friday evening. 

Yesterday, DD knocked on the door about 10AM to say thanks again, with a note as well for the both of us to give her full contact details and again talk about how she's soon to be a neighbor. 

B talked with Ann our neighbor briefly - family is next door to DD's new place. Ann described DD as very extroverted and talkative. That made B a little wary since she's an introvert (as am I, but not in this circumstance). "Hope she doesn't turn out to be a pain in the ass". "Who comes unannounced at 10 in the morning an knocks on the door". I just responded that seemed like normal neighbor stuff to me, and that DD is just excited at the place and the welcomes so far. 

Pretty good emotional state overall on Saturday until the skidding stop / near collision. That crashed her mood. 

We went to the Jazz fest anyway for a couple hours, but again she really wasn't up from that crash, so no progress on meeting. 

At this point I'm conceding I can't do much more to help the meet happen. It will just have to be something that happens organically and under B's own efforts and on her terms. 

Hope for the best. 

I know I'll be able to be friendly and neighborly, but I CANNOT be a friend with DD on a stand alone basis. That would surely be felt as threatening to our relationship, so that's not going to be something I can allow myself to do....

It's either two-way (primarily) with B and D, or that plus 1 (me). 

Enough of all this. On to Sunday.... 

almost too much, have to will it through

 I see in my post last Fall, allusions to what I find troubling me now at 11:30 pm Saturday night. The mood disorder, particularly (apparently) severe, ongoing, treatment resistant depression, plus latent PTSD that B deals with..... sigh. 

Background: 

• Each of us has few friends, and none close and dependable. We'd each like to change that. Though I think it may be more important for B than for me. But only slightly that. 
• B's not been able to sustain the non-pharmaceutial approach to her depression (prior post). She'd gone through a protocol to wean off Prozac, tried Lexapro and had great results moodwise, but awful aggravatio of her irritable bowel issues. Had to go back to Prozac and due to continued severe depression, she's now ramped up to 50 mg day. I'd say it barely keeps her mood manageable!!
• Not long ago, B expressed a worry that sooner or later with all her health issues and emotional challenges, I'd finally find her and all that to be "just too much". I offered assurances, and did so honestly at the time. 
• Neighboring house went up for sale. A rather attractive woman from Maine has made a strong bid to buy it. I've already engaged with her. She seems quite bright, expressively, some might call her extroverted, but I don't know her enough yet to say. She's thrilled at the welcome expressed by me and other near neighbors. 
• I am afraid the new neighbor is vivacious and attractive enough for B to feel a threat. So, I worry about that. I made my choice about a relationship going forward in late 2012, married in 2013. I don't intend to fuck up the marriage in such a way. But, she'll find it hard to believe I'm not interested, attracted, all that....
• B had a terrible auto accident 30 or so years ago and carries trauma from that. 
• due to her upbringing, B is super susceptible to passive-aggression.....
• B could really use a female friend her age, and the new neighbor is the right age and I've been optimistic that they might become thick and close. 

Events last couple days:

Updates in some professional / credentialing sites I did for B relative to her profession resulted in an email from her third party practice manager.  The email seemed to indicate some claims handling could be messed up due to the change. Implication was that B (and me, by extension) had messed things up. 

B got very anxious and upset at the email and the possiblity that claims billings were AGAIN fucked up. Was on tenderhooks until yesterday when I helped locate an email thread that would indicate the contractor fucked up, not B. 

That made the scenario marginally better, but B has continued to fuss and discuss and process emotionally and rationally.

We've had aborted attempts to have B meet new neighbor. Too upset the first day (Thur) due to the unpleasantness with the third party practice manager (as perceived). Not much better on Friday.... Had hopes for today, Saturday....

Well, all was as well as can be expected with a functioning depressive.... 

During a drive back from late lunch and one round, I had to make a skidding, emergency stop to try and avoid a collision. B was very upset (accident PTSD) which is understandable. 

B became down and withdrawn, can't cognitively work her way out. And withdrawal by my partner is a trigger for me;

B didn't shake it, so we didn't end up having her meet the new neighbor yet again. 

Other background:

Young neighbor wife in discussing new neighbor described her as " very extroverted" and very talkative. that made B worry that new neighbor might be a PITA. And also, a worry for her (B: and me, if you want to go there) is that we are introverted, so an outright extrovert may be very difficult to cope with. 

Point of this journaling: How I am feeling after all this. 

I was having to battle with myself over B's withdrawal after the skidding, and her quietness. "My fault" "I did something" ""gotta fix what's going on". Those sorts of quaint clothing questions. 

Lastly, yeah, watching B barely tolerate me; B needing a friend but not able to break loose of her emtional straitjacket.

Yeah, the throught DID cross my mind tonight that it's too much and feeling a pang of the doubt and more, emotional betrayal. 

First the time I can recall that the throught (rejected) of ending the marriage (due to all this emotional distress and such) ever floated into consciousness.

My choice of things to do about that is to acknowledge the thought, give myself grace, and move on. 

Microexpressions and non-responses

  Ugh. Contemplating that of late, I'm feeling a bit anxious within the marriage / relationship. Seems like I often have anxiety over the possibility I might offend, upset, or "hurt" B - all are pretty easy to do, sigh. Or anxious in the evening, at bedtime that I have already and there'll be a price to pay. 

We both come from some pathological places. Not sociopathic, just some patterns from childhood and other relationships that spill over into "US". 

Plus, we are both really good at noticing (and taking responsibility for micro expressions and the emotions behind them.... even if no words are exchanged. 

I suspect part of what I'm encountering is B's continuing mood struggle. She's trying life without any SSRI and that's making her more anxious and irritable.... 

Not really much to do with all this. Just acknowledging and noting the feelings and experience. 

Realized I have left something out.... It's clear (too often) that B is regularly concerned / anxious about making me "mad" or angry.... Similar set of feelings for her. One trouble beyond, though, is that she can take the most minor statement or expression of irritation as my being "really angry" and usually "at me". Etc. It's rare I'm really, truly angry at her. And infrequent that I get particularly angry at all. I've mellowed with age.... 

NOT mad at YOU, just MAD!

 Posted to the wrong blog a few weeks back. Dammit. 

 Stupid little fubar... microwave had overheated. Thinking MAYBE B had left a stove burner on a bit too long.... 

realized the microwave had shut down (thermal protection) just before I meant to put my steel cut oats in for overnight oats. 

Had to remove a half bushel of napkins, dish towels, and other linens and felt pretty PISSED. WHY would two people need SO many of ANY of that shit?? Unbelievable how many dish rags, towels, placemats, and sundry shit was in the cupboard and in my way of the damned outlet to check. Fuck! 

Had to find something to test for current at the outlet. Fuss with a step stool. Generally just shitty and pissy and feeling like FUUUUUCCKKK!!! 

Of COURSE B would wonder out as I'm trying to be withdrawn and NOT show my pique. She must have tried 3-4 different ways to be the REASON the microwave had shut down. I.DID.NOT WANT.TO.LAY.IT.AT HER.FEET. 

Even if it was a burner left on a bit too long (lighting a joint). Who the FUCK cares. 

I KNOW she's extremely sensitive to pique or anger and I was TRYING to keep it to myself! 

But NOOOOOO..... 

Goddammit. 

Couldn't leave it alone..... 

She's "gone to bed" (avoiding a fight, which is good).... but she sure as HELL could have left the whole matter alone for fuck's sake. Just let me recover the way I needed to.....

After all, she apparently needs someone who is MILD MANNERED and nonplussed no matter the fuck what. 

JFC. 

Not happy!!