Ah the telephone thing. Again

So, at the therapy session, the T surprised us both with her attitude about snooping on the partner's email (and by extension, phone). T's attitude was, "Whatever you need to do to deal with your trust questions/issues". 

So.... another union leader called me yesterday to see if I was interested in a committee position. That call came from Traverse City. 

B met my TC friend (more like former friend) some weeks back at a house party. TC and I scarcely talked. Anyway, B did comment and ask about it afterward. "You dated her some didn't you?" I stated that no, I would not really consider anything we did to be dating. Merely had been friends for a time.... 

Well, when I got the call and got done, I left it in my call log thinking, "I wonder if this will cause an issue"..... 

Sure enough.... 

"I'm going to ask you a question  you're not going to like...." OK

"I saw a call on your phone with a 231 area code. Did you call TC because you're unhappy with me?" 

Nope. Then I explained who called and the nature of the call, incoming. 

B then apologized for the suspicion. 

I'm trying to be not too bothered about it, but I am a little bit. Hence my journaling. 

Fact is about TC that I would NOT call her unless I was altogether out of a relationship. I'm not sure my call would be welcome. And I know it would take a serious period of friendship first before anything there could be possible.... And, frankly, TC is a little crazy too I think. I'd have to think long and hard and be careful about getting too involved, methinks. 

She's lovely. Very slender, almost anorexic looking, vegetarian, exercises excessively. I suspect compulsions are involved with the eating and the exercise.... and for relationships....well, I don't think she's terribly well-adjusted in that area.... 

Nuff said. 

too friggin' sensitive

Catching up a few events.....

So....  Tuesday night when I was messing around looking at some clothing-optional places for B and I to potentially go to.... it triggered a memory and question from her. "Did I walk in on you a week or so ago when you were trying to get off watching porn on the computer?"

She did.

I answered that she had. We talked a bit more about the details - "Do you do two-way chat?" Nope! Only free video. She stated she didn't like it that well. Doesn't mind the masturbation. Just doesn't like the porn connection. It ended up eventually getting a little strained for me, and eventually I got in a pretty anxious and agitated state of mind.  I said so, admitting exactly how I was feeling (which is unusual, since I tend to keep a bridle on most emotions). That actually was a bit helpful and apparently humanized me a little. In fact, she brought it up at our first couples therapy session the next day.

So, therapy..... Went OK. Mostly touched everything I would have expected. T says, "Can't live like that - with the underlying lack of trust over the Sarah incident". Made it clear B needs to either set that aside, or the relationship will have to end. Advised me not to be such an "avoider" and to be more open. Etc.  Eventually the porn bit came up, lightly, except that the T asked me, "How often do you view porn?" I picked number "Maybe once a week". The T moved on.

But B was really troubled by "finding out how often you actually are viewing porn." thinks that's excessive, etc. Over the last few couple days she's been anxious, depressed, not sure about the relationship (seems like there is always something every few weeks to make her unsure....)

I have explained the streaky interest I have - that it happens in spurts (pardon the pun). Sometimes I'm bored and interested for a day or two, and then not again for weeks or months. The once a week thing was just something I pulled out of the air, really.

I actually thought that sounded minimal, not excessive.... well, we disagree on that.

So, I'm trying to take a complete holiday from that form of entertainment. I still think it does me no harm, and I'm very very moderate with it....

And it really would be better if one of the results of this nonsense was a more regular and dependable sex life between us.... cuz I know that's one of the pressures that brings about an interest.

and life goes on.

unsettled mind and heart

Just went for a walk and as I did, I became very much aware of how disquieted and upset I still am about B's Wednesday night outburst.

Instead of being "slightly peeved" and simply coming to me and asking me to put her bicycle seat back down, she went into an intensely angry and accusatory state.

I did not deserve that.

I definitely feel emotionally frayed as a result.

And I'm troubled about a statement she made in the kitchen during the latter, calmer conversation. She said, "You know how you left M when you felt the the troubles in the relationship was affecting your health? Well, I'm thinking about that myself in our case because of the way our relationship affects my emotional health." [not verbatim - rather a paraphrase of what I recall her saying].

Well, I have to tell you that I feel as if she's as much as accusing me of emotional abuse. That is what I realized I was experiencing, burying into my body, and had affecting my physical health with M. And therefore, I feel as if she's drawing an equivalency - aka more or less saying that I'm emotionally abusive.

I have such a hard time fathoming where she's coming from with all this.

I defer to her wishes and preferences most of the time. I'm extremely courteous and by and large very considerate about my schedule, how I engage her and the world, and so on.

As far as I can tell, her primary issue is that I'm not meeting her needs PERFECTLY (now THAT is a bpd thought pattern, ain't it!!) and when she's angry with me, I can rarely see her point or agree with her faulting of me. When I DO, I apologize and do what I need to to rectify the matter.

Anyway, she tends to take my confidence in myself and my generally good intentions and motivations as refusal to take responsibility for my action/fault/the issue - whatever. And when I react softly and carefully to a conflicted conversation, I'm "arrogant" in my manners and "talking down to her".

Feels a whole lot like "no win" territory again.

Now, today she woke up practically asleep on her feet.

I don't know whether she spent an emotionally troubled night for some reason. I don't know if there's something I need to know or yet another conflict in the offing.... but I sure don't like the uncertain emotional feelings, not to mention the bruised emotions I have from two days ago.

I'll try not to overreact or initiate any undue conflict for my part.... but we'll see where things go.

Hmmm.... another thing threw me today, too. She says, "What are your plans for the weekend? Any?".

That bothers me, because the implication is that I may have made some plans without involving, consulting, arranging, or informing (with) her.

That's not my character and not my history. I'm trying to leave it be as just a clumsy way to have asked about the weekend.... but I am bothered by the premise that I might have made heretofore unknown plans.

Really?? Have I EVER done that in this relationship?? Nope.

Sure hope she gets a handle on this stuff....

But, plain fact is, I'm having to begin to mentally consider a "life after...." yet again.

Huge fight over an inch of a bicycle post

OMFG, Wednesday evening, B woke me gently from a nap on the couch and then harangued me with a very angry outburst of accusations. Disrespect, lack of consideration, controlling, and the like.

Why?????

Because I had raised her bicycle seat 1 inch. ONE inch. Really??? This is the cause of an angry outburst and a troubled conversation and evening to follow.... and lack of sleep....

Well, not entirely. I did get a little hot back at her, barking "Stop it!!" when she would not let up at all. Of course, then THAT was a big deal.... "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER. YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME. HOW DARE YOU!!!!!"

Oh my but it was damned near deja vu all over again....

But outside of the one bark, I stayed pretty calm and collected. As the passion cooled a bit, it came out that B is STILL carrying a boatload of resentment and anger over "the disrespect you showed me in your messages to your friend Polly". She and her therapist had apparently discussed this a bit, this week  I suppose. Mind you, this continued negative feeling is lingering weeks after the time she read my email, and after we spent what was for the most part a nice, very coupled time in D.C. in early July. But I digress....

Her therapist agreed that it ought to be OK for me to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex to get together with now and again, talk, etc.... but that "intimate information about your relationship ought not to be part of the conversation. It should be things like 'Oh, we had a very nice time in D.C.'"

B, to her credit, isn't sure that's quite reasonable.... But one remark she made was that she, B, would be pretty wary of "you having conversations with someone that are too intimate and that could eventually lead to an affair.... that's how those things happen...."

Oh for.....

It cannot get any safer than Polly. SHE is in a committed relationship that she is working hard to keep working.  I'm in the same....  Polly has NEVER been attracted to me. I long ago got past any outright sexual attraction to her. And even if I did feel that, I DON'T FUCK AROUND ON MY PARTNER.

And neither would Polly.

This regular, repeating conflict of B feeling like the underdog in the relationship - financially and otherwise, insecure about my fidelity, and frankly, the primary burden of sustaining the relationship financially resting on me (I buy 3/4 of our food for home and when we go out) is getting really really old....

Under fire

So, I've been a bit "under fire" since B, who was looking at my emails ("I know I shouldn't have been" she told her therapist, found these exchanges with my ONLY safe, platonic female friend:

Early April, from me to Polly:  B and I are doing fairly well, although she continues to have one helluva time with the "green eyed monster". I try really hard not to give her cause, but little issues arise regardless. Oh well. Can't be our age and not have a little baggage...


Then, this one on Jun 20:
hmmmm... I noticed you weren't that active on FB, and hoped you were just withdrawing from that for a while and not either depressed or peeved at me for my political postings. ( I had just been to the political  rally on Tuesday and posted a few items from that....)

Anyway, similar to you and  Bob, things go pretty well for me and B. Our issue is probably the complete opposite of yours, though. B and I probably tend to be overly together. I enjoy her company and our relationship, but frankly a lot of the reason I don't initiate time on my own is because she continues to struggle with relationship insecurities and sometimes near-paranoia that I am either involved with another woman(s) or am seeking to be or soon will be.... Odd triggers will set off that mood. Like when I had briefly logged in the the campus Exchange Calendar to using Outlook Web Access - she stumbled on to the history and thought I had "yet another email account you secretly use". Another was when she had trouble accessing the Verizon account. I thought she had the access she needed, but she didn't, so then I was "hiding something".  You get the drift. Of course, I'm just about as faithful as they come, but she's still not easily shaking the early years of our relationship when I was involved with her and A2.... but that was before we were exclusive.... She sees a therapist, and we may eventually see one together for relationship purposes.

Of course, she's not the only one with a few "issues" in the relationship, LOL. I am sometimes pretty chagrined at how interactions between her and I can trigger my reactions and PTSD that I still carry from being with M. Last Sunday I thought she was bothered about something - because she seemed quiet and more withdrawn - and it triggered a wary and extremely cautious mood in me (actually that's not quite a negative enough description). She then picked up on MY mood, thought it was "because it was Father's day and you hadn't heard from your sons yet...." and tried to be careful around me - which exacerbated my upset, etc, etc....

Late in the day we sorted out - she said she didn't have anything going on or on her mind - that she just thought I was upset, when I was not..... at least not until I thought SHE was upset.... LOL.

Ain't love grand.

And the vacation thing is complicated for us too. With B being self-employed, it's often best to take a long weekend and not a full week's vacation. I'm adjusting to that. Vacation budget's a challenge, of course, too. And, similar to what you're saying, often there has to be an evaluation of whether to take time away with each other or go visit my relatives - Son and fam in NC, or my folks in FL, or even my aged uncle and aunt in rural podunk.

I figure for the most part she and I are just fine and pretty well adjusted. We definitely need to work on some things. And frankly, I figure most out there are in far worse mental/emotional shape than she or I am. I'm not going to fall into the trap of looking for the most perfect relationship in the universe.....

Hi Birdie,

I'm fine, and thanks for asking.  Guess I was getting tired of people saying "why don't you ever get on facebook' type of stuff.  So for now I just temporarily discontinued my page.  I can bring it up any time, just taking a break from all the computer stuff.  Things are still going with Bob, but kind of slowly for me.  I'm in a different place than he is regarding our relationship.  We are so compatible in almost every regard, besides the closeness/relational (me) vs autonomy (him) needs.  I struggle with how much time he chooses to go fishing, hunting, the races, etc. without me.  At this point in my life I want a partner who wants to include me in the things he's passion about and spend time with me first then fits those other things in (definitely there needs to be a balance, but the balance just seems off.  I've been with him almost 2 years and although we've done 'vacation' type of things together, it's always with friends, family, etc.  We have never had a vacation just with the two of us.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want as much time as he gives to the other things in his life. Hey?  Anyway, the positive thing is that we are talking about it and compromising... no anger, no bitterness, etc., just fair and reasonable conversation.  It's so different that in the past for me.  I can speak my voice and know how Bob will respond.  It's nice being able to be vulnerable with someone and not fearing them.  So anyway.. didn't mean to run on.. (some things never change) but it has just been a little speed bump in the road, but I think we'll get through it.
It would be great to have lunch sometime if you could squeeze it in.

Let me know how you're doing and life is treating you.
Hugs,

Polly