Admitting it. I am getting concerned

Good news is, B asked me to see what I could do to schedule us with my T for couples therapy.

Bad news is the bad stuff from last night is sticking with me a bit. I had hoped for more understanding if even I told her about making the clandestine appointments with my T... but NO.... even if it can be understandable, the "lying is a big deal" bit hit the wall like flying shit.

As B moaned and groaned that "every time I start to feel close enough to maybe be on your insurance, move in, have our lives more intertwined, something like this happens that fires up my doubts."  I almost said that I had also been contemplating "enmeshing" our lives more.

I caught myself before it came out of my mouth as I had a sudden clear realization that "enmeshed" was the very word and concept of relationship (issues) that had been at the edge of my consciousness but never quite had broken through.

So today I am somewhat examining the proposition that maybe things aren't so healthy as they should be.

She admits being "pretty emotionally dependent" at this point - that sounds a bit enmeshed. She also "does not want to become even more dependent, yada yada." Which I interpret as continued fear of the commitment not working out (and actions and reactions reinforcing that potential reality, quite frankly).

I'm thinking a bit about how I don't feel free to take time alone, go off by myself, pursue solitary activities.... and I find that she seems to need to know where I am, will be, doing etc.... that sounds pretty enmeshed.

I was especially struck today as I ignored a possible cheap flight to FL to visit my folks because the relationship seems a bit in crisis again.

I don't read my Playboy much or openly.

I feel compelled to pretty much "be with B" whenever possible.

I observe that she seems to have a tremendous fear that the relationship will end/not last - aka "fear of abandonment".

I know she's had a good deal of emotional abuse and baggage from it stemming from childhood treatment from her mother.

Maybe I've been turning a blind eye to all this because it's been comfortable to have someone around, to presume some help would be there if my health deteriorates, etc, etc....

But I'm not so sure this can happen with B or that she can find what she needs with me.

Maybe some couples therapy will help that determination.

As B said, doing it can be pretty scary because you don't really know if it might lead toward a better relationship or a conclusion that it just won't work and it's time to move on....

Yeah, that's true. But I suppose it's better for that to happen along with professional guidance..... in either case.

A fight about lying when asked about appointment

So it came out last night that I lied when B asked if I was seeing or going to see my T. I knew that it'd cause a ruckus.  I expressed why - that I preferred that to be private and hadn't wanted to add to her relationship anxieties, etc. (She thought perhaps I was going to go to T like I did before - to work through how to break up.

I gave B some sense of what was covered and that nothing had come out that I felt required subsequent conversation between us. And, I had fully covered what I thought was the two major reasons for the relationship/commitment fear. That is Sarah and Linda.

I was troubled to find that she also continues to nurse wounds about "my friend Layla that you emailed and that friend Lori that you tried to get in contact with".

So, that's 4 transgressions I guess.

And I'm pretty bothered by the latter. She's never accepted my truthful explanation that my email to Layla was simply to be neighborly (single mom, struggling with school moved in to the neighborhood) and that I had NO INTEREST whatsoever in the woman.

Same with Lori. Old high school connection that my mom had let me know about. Lori was trying to recover from serious alcoholism and rehab and needed friends. Again, no interest on my part other than as a potential and supportive friend. (The lady is kind of homely in her FB pictures...)

Bothersome....

Tension and fight

last night. Came home from our patio bar, B had seemed a bit reticent, so I asked what was going on. Got kind of a blast, not huge, more of an irked tone about how "you seemed to invite me to lunch at the PC lunch wagon on Friday, but then you almost immediately withdrew the invite. Since then I've tried to get clarification about plans and you just say you'll have to check....."

Listening to the overtones, I gathered she felt rejected in some manner.

I reacted a little heatedly but not with angry. Energetic, if you will, with my response.... It became clear that she had NO recollection of my specifying EXACTLY where the lunch wagon would be. Further, I had NO idea she thought the plan was only tentative, etc. We went round a bit.

She went to the complaints about "the high tone you take and the sarcasm when you respond in these arguments.  I told her that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be entirely sanguine or phlegmatic in my tone and responses. Can't do it.

Anyway, as more came out, she still has sore memories of a week ago at the same bar, as well as Sunday's unpleasantness. "I don't really even want to go back to the patio bar. We ALWAYS fight after...." Not true, and I called her on some of her absolute statements.....

But, bottom line is apparently she's stewed a bit about that and other stuff for a few days... Plus she went back to the "we rarely have sex anymore" and all that.

It's weird to me that while SHE was stewing and wondering, again, about the relationship, I was exploring the idea  in my head and the practicality of getting married while we are visiting KY in a couple weeks.

This has happened before - where I think we're doing well, comfortable, can probably do the long term thing, might just as well do the marriage thing (and solve a whole passel of financial issues for HER.... and while these thoughts are in my head, SHE suddenly (it seems) has a relationship crisis.

I truly don't know quite what to think of that.

Head f**ked up at the moment

So.... in the last 24 hours, B has managed to react to my being on my iPod touch when she had gone to the bathroom (and the line was too long)....

and she got her jealous/suspicious attitude going..... all I was doing was occupying myself by hitting FB for a moment in the restaurant.... she, of course, has this knee jerk thought that I might be communicating with some other woman - A2 in particular.... which hacks me off. In fact, when she misheard a name I referenced (Nick) she inferred I was referring to Rick who was a running mate of A2 in a union election, etc.... which simply confirmed what I thought she had going on in her head....

then a few hours ago, while whiling time away with my grand-d, in the context of people (women) who are both beautiful and highly intelligent, I mentioned a recollection of a couple of young lady friends I had made several years ago (not seen now for at least a couple) who were very good looking AND taking double MA, MS, or Doctoral program courses... I don't recall exactly. Anyway, my point was that I have learned to assume little/nothing regarding intellect based on appearances....

But I perceived her negative reaction to my mentioning having had a couple friends, etc, in that way.... It irks me because these were "passing friends" or "hello friends". Literally, I was pleased to interact, come across as other than some dirty old man, and that I was able to occasionally bump into them at the bar or at QD and exchange a pleasant hello.  that's it....

I'm not very happy about her reaction - feeling like there is yet more I need to be careful NOT to express, and to be careful about referencing, etc.... not a way I wish to live.

I'm trying to let it go though, and write it off to her not feeling well.

But still... it's under my skin.