I ended my first love affair last friday -- the day before V day!! I didn't intend the timing, but B posed questions that led inevitably to conversation that effectively, but without hostility, ended that love affair.
I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....
She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.
Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.
Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....
Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A2 closer than ever
So, especially considering I had ceased the "torn between two" situation... and that I'd already pretty much made up my mind that A2 was the more important relationship to me....
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
An eventful weekend
Friday, day before Valentine's day, B here in town and talked on the phone a couple times, noon, and roughly 4:00. Long story short, it was our break-up conversation(s).
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
6 word memoir
Lots to post, but for now, I just want to do my own 6 word memoir of love and heartbreak (NPR) inspired by Smithmag).
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bad moon rising
wow.... A2 caught me with B last thursday. Past few days resolved well, though, between me and A2.
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
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