My own emotional struggle over the last 24 hours

 Unbeknownst to B last evening I had an episode as I was returning from the neighbors house it was very upsetting emotionally to me. There was a very young raccoon near the bottom of our footsteps who is clearly either badly injured the near death or has distemper or rabies but the poor thing was sick injured or suffering somehow. I wasn't sure it was safe for me to get some gloves and try to pick it up and ugly word dispose of it. I tried to use a flat shovel to pick it up and move it but it had enough life in it to scurry away we tried to go toward its den under the porch but I did stop it from doing that at first. Honestly though all I really did was probably injure it further, panic it, made things worse for the poor animal. It looked at me with such helplessness it was heartbreaking. I really had no reasonable way to put it out of its misery at least not that I could think of that was safe for me. But it's still a little emotionally wrenching to think about. After I tried to move it a couple of times you could struggle to get out on the tree lawn near the bottom of the tree which was a perfectly good place for it. But when I checked a couple of hours later it was partway back up the driveway I think it was trying to work its way back to its dad which I attempted to have blocked with that shovel. This morning to shovel was knocked over so either there was something in there when I blocked that pushed its way out or the sick little thing struggled and scratched and pulled despite waning strength and crawl back under the porch. I'm afraid that means we'll end up having a dead animal under there but it can't be helped. 

To be honest I thought B might've seen me trying to do something with the poor animal and  that what she was upset about but it wasn't. Of course for me I couldn't tell her about it she's so tenderhearted. Even though I was hurting a little even into the morning until we went to lunch.

After we got back from lunch I was really tired and I realize that some of my own emotional struggles were in place. I was planning to head to camp to prepare the motorhome to bring back today. She told me she had kind of hoped I would wait until tomorrow. So it occurred to what was making me feel so tired was a combination of feeling a little responsible for her insecure feelings and then also responsible for her wishing I stayed the day with her and left tomorrow. Bottom line feeling responsible for someone else's emotional state which is very tiring. Interestingly similar to her emotional weight lifted off of her when she explain herself from last night this morning, I found that on the drive to Camp Wai realization why I had been so tired and what the root of it while I felt better pretty quickly. 

Insecure feelings suck

 Last night after a walk I went and talked to the neighbor who moved in a few months back. My age exactly. Fairly attractive but hobbled up badly with a back problem. She has been working very hard to turn on her lawn into beautiful shrubbery and tree garden space. I've made a point to be careful not to engage too often but enough to be friendly and neighborly. Well, B was in a strange headspace with a headache and several drinks. I found out this morning that she had a bad reaction to my engaging with the neighbor. I could tell she was bothered about something last night but left it alone. When she was engaging with me this morning about the feelings she had she appreciated that I let it be. She said she didn't respond to my asking if something was wrong because she was afraid with her headache and drinks that we have a big fight which has happened before. She went to bed early pretty tired and that was that for now.

This morning she asked if we could talk about something and she went on to explain why she didn't say anything more last night which was good. She said at first she thought she felt jealousy. But then she realized what she was feeling was insecurity. And that's really all she wanted to say about it was that she had recognized the feeling and she knows there's not much reason to be feeling that way. I did of course again reassure her that I have no interest in getting involved with that neighbor other than just being friendly as a neighbor. 

I did tell her that we knew from the start of finding out that is 67-year-old single woman who's going to become our neighbor B would struggle with that it's on surprising that she still sometimes feels insecure considering. It's clear she'll never be completely over the beginning of our relationship where it was a little triangular with me dating her and A2. Best I can do is not overreact when she has these feelings. I know it's good that she's expressed herself and acknowledged it. Will leave it go with that. 

So easy doubt

 Couldn't recall if I actually specified in the last entry what happened to jazz me up, in a negative way... 

I'm really sorry to already see signs of insecurity and relationship anxiety and worry when 1) B hasn't even met DD and 2) the woman isn't yet a neighbor. 

I do hope B can get past that - she's nothing to worry about so far as I am concerned. I'm very committed to this marriage. 

I hope she finds a friend and not a rival. 

I told her in response to her worried inquiry that I don't think it's appropriate for ME to be friends (on my own) with DD. It's either got to be B and DD with me as the third wheel, OR me and B and DD as friendly acquaintances / neighbors. 

But I'm sure as heck not going to get into a position deliberately that would have B constantly anxious because I'm around DD so much or whatever might transpire. 

I'll keep B informed and in the loop, certainly won't have clandestine and private communications or such. 

Nope. 

Oh fuck, she "went there"

 Goddamn it all to hell. 

We are soon (by the end of July) to have new neighbor. A nice lady named Deb....who is, god forbid, MY age, single, and fairly attractive. She's slender, well coiffed. Pretty outgoing, maybe extroverted. Bit of an over-sharer. But, by and large Deb seems like "a catch" for someone. 

B hasn't even me her yet. Her mood disorder flaring up from Thursday onward really prevented any introductory steps, sigh. 

For me, I've noted she's attractive. But also that she has some maladies (back) that are similar to B's. 

Regardless, I've been pretty certain and chagrined that when B finally meets Deb, she'll see her as a rival and potential sexual interest or more of mine. Never mind I committed to be faithful and bound to our "vows" and general rules. Beth is fucking hardwired to be fearful of losing her primary relationship... which, BTW, poisons the damned primary relationship. 

A little background - B has been crashing and bouncing relative to mood and depression since last Thursday. She's also NEVER really found herself totally in a place where she can believe i won't stray - even though I HAVE NO HISTORY OF CHEATING within my prior long term relationship nor this one. 

So, what brought this shit to the fore? Apparently, last night after it was lights out and we both were headed to bed, B observed a light on in the dining area, thought I'd left it on, or such, and witnessed me "doing something with my phone". I truly don't know what I might have been doing. Maybe reading at a new book, or seaching Google. What the ever! 

But, OF COURSE, she "went there" as she further inquired and wondered if I'd been texting with Deb and maybe having regular interaction. I assured her (truthfully) that I hadn't had any more direct conversation with Deb since Sunday when she knocked on our door. I did send an innocuous neighborly email, but not at the timeframe in question. 

So, to get to the REAL point - I am kind of pissed off. A lot is missing in the ticket. But it's also a frustration 

My own trials and triggers

 Not to miss a large part of why I'm roiled... 

B gets off her center. Quiet. Withdrawn. Perceptably upset even when she thinks not. 

Me, being the the codependent, caretaker I am - I search myself for blame, feel unnerved and disquieted until I "fix it" or the matter otherwise passes.... 

At least I understand these days, and have for years, what is going on inside me. Active, cognitive choices that I work through as best I can. 

Summary

PM triggers B; B triggers me; I help fix something, slightly better; something else triggers B; which triggers me; constant circular self examination thought pattern. 

So much fun!! 

Tree work, wake up!

 Oh yeah, 

Apparently DD is helping her new neighbor to the north (crazy dude) with getting some critical tree work done - issues with an old Norway maple that could result in damage to DD's place. I think, not sure, the noise and commotion may commence this morning, a Sunday, at 9ish. Which could wake B which won't be popular.... 

Oh well, what do you do... sigh. 

Mix of things

 Honestly not sure how coherent last night's post is - it was late and I was venting and getting thoughts out. Of course, the nature of journaling is that it can me whatever.... 

Just registered. that I'ved mixed this blog which started with my really crazy Ex - M, with entries for years as well about B. The latter mainly depressive and easily knocked off her emotional center. I also have the other blog that I suppose I meant for all things between B and me. Plenty of entries there. No way, I suppose to move entries from one to the other. Ugh. 

Oh well, the fact is I often feel like I'm back in Oz with B. But I have a better handle on my own thoughts and reactions and bases for same. 

On to the real bitching and moaning. 

So I mentioned the new neighbor, B really should meet. Prospect of friendship right nearby which would do a world of good I think. 

But... Thursday when I met her and tried to arrange a friendly drink dinner "on the H deck" B wasn't up to it because she was overwrought by her upset over the email she received from her practice manager about concerns that might result in having to reprocess claims. Don't need to go into a lot about that, other than the PM triggers B. 

Friday, I was able to sort out that B HAD sent proper, timely notice of a change in practice location in late February with arrangements to commence billing under that location as of 5/12. So, any screw up is on the PM company. 

That wasn't really enough to get B back on center and able to meet a new person. So, couldn't invite DD to go with us Friday evening. 

Yesterday, DD knocked on the door about 10AM to say thanks again, with a note as well for the both of us to give her full contact details and again talk about how she's soon to be a neighbor. 

B talked with Ann our neighbor briefly - family is next door to DD's new place. Ann described DD as very extroverted and talkative. That made B a little wary since she's an introvert (as am I, but not in this circumstance). "Hope she doesn't turn out to be a pain in the ass". "Who comes unannounced at 10 in the morning an knocks on the door". I just responded that seemed like normal neighbor stuff to me, and that DD is just excited at the place and the welcomes so far. 

Pretty good emotional state overall on Saturday until the skidding stop / near collision. That crashed her mood. 

We went to the Jazz fest anyway for a couple hours, but again she really wasn't up from that crash, so no progress on meeting. 

At this point I'm conceding I can't do much more to help the meet happen. It will just have to be something that happens organically and under B's own efforts and on her terms. 

Hope for the best. 

I know I'll be able to be friendly and neighborly, but I CANNOT be a friend with DD on a stand alone basis. That would surely be felt as threatening to our relationship, so that's not going to be something I can allow myself to do....

It's either two-way (primarily) with B and D, or that plus 1 (me). 

Enough of all this. On to Sunday.... 

almost too much, have to will it through

 I see in my post last Fall, allusions to what I find troubling me now at 11:30 pm Saturday night. The mood disorder, particularly (apparently) severe, ongoing, treatment resistant depression, plus latent PTSD that B deals with..... sigh. 

Background: 

• Each of us has few friends, and none close and dependable. We'd each like to change that. Though I think it may be more important for B than for me. But only slightly that. 
• B's not been able to sustain the non-pharmaceutial approach to her depression (prior post). She'd gone through a protocol to wean off Prozac, tried Lexapro and had great results moodwise, but awful aggravatio of her irritable bowel issues. Had to go back to Prozac and due to continued severe depression, she's now ramped up to 50 mg day. I'd say it barely keeps her mood manageable!!
• Not long ago, B expressed a worry that sooner or later with all her health issues and emotional challenges, I'd finally find her and all that to be "just too much". I offered assurances, and did so honestly at the time. 
• Neighboring house went up for sale. A rather attractive woman from Maine has made a strong bid to buy it. I've already engaged with her. She seems quite bright, expressively, some might call her extroverted, but I don't know her enough yet to say. She's thrilled at the welcome expressed by me and other near neighbors. 
• I am afraid the new neighbor is vivacious and attractive enough for B to feel a threat. So, I worry about that. I made my choice about a relationship going forward in late 2012, married in 2013. I don't intend to fuck up the marriage in such a way. But, she'll find it hard to believe I'm not interested, attracted, all that....
• B had a terrible auto accident 30 or so years ago and carries trauma from that. 
• due to her upbringing, B is super susceptible to passive-aggression.....
• B could really use a female friend her age, and the new neighbor is the right age and I've been optimistic that they might become thick and close. 

Events last couple days:

Updates in some professional / credentialing sites I did for B relative to her profession resulted in an email from her third party practice manager.  The email seemed to indicate some claims handling could be messed up due to the change. Implication was that B (and me, by extension) had messed things up. 

B got very anxious and upset at the email and the possiblity that claims billings were AGAIN fucked up. Was on tenderhooks until yesterday when I helped locate an email thread that would indicate the contractor fucked up, not B. 

That made the scenario marginally better, but B has continued to fuss and discuss and process emotionally and rationally.

We've had aborted attempts to have B meet new neighbor. Too upset the first day (Thur) due to the unpleasantness with the third party practice manager (as perceived). Not much better on Friday.... Had hopes for today, Saturday....

Well, all was as well as can be expected with a functioning depressive.... 

During a drive back from late lunch and one round, I had to make a skidding, emergency stop to try and avoid a collision. B was very upset (accident PTSD) which is understandable. 

B became down and withdrawn, can't cognitively work her way out. And withdrawal by my partner is a trigger for me;

B didn't shake it, so we didn't end up having her meet the new neighbor yet again. 

Other background:

Young neighbor wife in discussing new neighbor described her as " very extroverted" and very talkative. that made B worry that new neighbor might be a PITA. And also, a worry for her (B: and me, if you want to go there) is that we are introverted, so an outright extrovert may be very difficult to cope with. 

Point of this journaling: How I am feeling after all this. 

I was having to battle with myself over B's withdrawal after the skidding, and her quietness. "My fault" "I did something" ""gotta fix what's going on". Those sorts of quaint clothing questions. 

Lastly, yeah, watching B barely tolerate me; B needing a friend but not able to break loose of her emtional straitjacket.

Yeah, the throught DID cross my mind tonight that it's too much and feeling a pang of the doubt and more, emotional betrayal. 

First the time I can recall that the throught (rejected) of ending the marriage (due to all this emotional distress and such) ever floated into consciousness.

My choice of things to do about that is to acknowledge the thought, give myself grace, and move on.