Combination

Last night, tail end of the conversation, M made it plain that in her mind / emotions, she's managed to make my mom a hugely monstrous presence.

She said, "Your mom has become this combination of MY mother AND Diana D."

That's quite a statement. Her mother was terribly physically and emotionally abusive. Diana was this terrible boss that was emotionally abusive, difficult to work for for someone like M, and whose behaviors and decisions were key to M finally ending up on LTD.

Quite an amalgam to present -- mostly on my mother making a usual decision, with a little feedback from me, on a usual visit for a usual timeframe and assuming they can stay in the usual primary place (mine).

Wow.

One of the worst days, ever, she said

Up until she started on the wine (or whine ) the day went OK -- at least without incident. I do have to admit to wondering when the shoe would drop -- no way would we be home long, a few days before my parents are to arrive -- no way would she not get herself into a bad state.

Well, she was civil enough over the course of the day. We both puttered away at things -- she at laundry in particular. Me at some cleaning and some yard stuff. Took the mid-day to go out and have (pleasant) coffee and do a little grocery shopping. All good.

But... my spider sense kept tingling just a little.

We put the first Harry Potter movie on at about 10:00 p to watch, and start to review for the new movie coming up. But, she was into the wine -- and had had little to eat all day.

I had had some popcorn, then about 10:45 got a bowl of ice cream put together (I actually was also trying to stay awake / mildly energetic to be company )

However, just as I went to sit back down in front of the TV, I realized she'd taken herself out to the deck and was sitting on the step -- showing her troubled mind, if you will. I knew the routine. I have to decide whether to leave her be, or what.

Of course, being the relationship-addicted, and trauma-addicted person I am (just sort of), I had to go out to be supportive. Asked her if she was done with the movie....

Of course, first, she seemed to want to be left be, but then almost immediately started the stream of consciousness.

She'd clearly been "at war with herself all day". Really very bothered that she "has to vacate HER home so that YOUR mom will be comfortable". All that jazz.

Was bothered when most of my phone conversations with my son and my mom this a.m. took place out on the deck where she couldn't hear. Feels excluded.

"You need to just accept it that YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT LIKE ME". And, she went on several times to talk about how hard it is to cope with not being liked, and all. "Your brothers have NO use for me. Stephen didn't even recognize me " (a reference to M showing up, completely unexpected and out of context, in my brother's shoe store in tourist town we were in for a meeting.)

She has woven many disparate elements into a terrible, dystopic reality for herself.

She just can't see how she's almost constantly now putting up that choice that she fears: "if you had to choose between me or your family".

She's creating that inevitable choice point.

I am a little concerned that she may yet have foul words with my mom.

It's not that mom doesn't like her. Doesn't understand a great deal -- about M's illnesses and habits. Makes the occasional slightly unkind remark, that if I hear and recognize as such, I correct.....

But, dislike -- that is simply not the case. That reality is in M's mind. Although, I'm virtually certain that when the day comes we've moved on from this relationship, I'll get an earful or two from my mom and my brothers and my sons that tell me a greater concern / more issues with her than they now will share -- out of politeness. But, that's to be expected.

So far, OK

Still

No meltdowns.

Lots of fatigue. M's fibro has kept her pretty inactive.

My days have been long. Will go from 6 a.m. until 10 p.m. or later my meeting obligations today.

But, tomorrow is mine -- packing, a little sight-seeing, checkout, flight home. Hopefully uneventful!!

Philly so far

Well,the rest of the story from Friday past is that it was a travel day, for a conference / assembly I am to be at in Philadelphia. She badly wanted to go, and managed to collect herself well enough, and be at least civil for the travel day.

Well, she did get into my shit a little bit on the way to the airport, but I didn't get irked or bothered and responded in fairly positive form. Then, she pretty well settled down for the trip. Trip had a few airline delays, so we got in to Philly a couple hours later than we had hoped. Tired, but not really cranky with each other.

In fact, by Saturday she had shifted from civil to cordial and loving -- not unusual, by any means. BPD folk often swing just as quickly to their partner as hero as they do the other way (goat).

In fact, we've had a good time, close and loving in all good senses of the word, while we're here. Explored some key sights yesterday. She came with me to the convention center to hear a Presidential hopeful speechify.

Going well. Of course, I expect the other shoe will drop when we get back toward home....

Happy anniversary

14th today, Im told.

When I was confused about whether our affair started at work the first year I was there, 1992, or next, she corrected me with a "I didn't start fucking you right away"

(she's taken to denigrating that aspect a lot the last few months. Sometimes it's lovemaking. Sometimes, "I guess I just fucked you" or me her, or whatever)

Anyway,the anniversary bit first came up last night as she was moping and beginning the usual campaign to convince me that it's NOT time to quit the relationship. And, "14 years is a big slice of life to just throw aside."

Etc, etc.

Typical start toward trying to make nice when a BP is finally confronted with the relationship results of their acting out continually.

Always some else at fault!!

Says M, "Do you have any idea how much physical pain [due to her fibromyalgia] the stress you bring into my life causes me? Do you?"

"Do you even care? Because if you did, there are lots of things you could do...."

"I know I don't do enough..."

"that's not an answer the question I asked"

"then I don't have an answer"

"then I guess you don't care."

Philly, philly

Silly

Well, I made a point a couple hours ago of trying to make M understand that it was fine with me if she goes to Philly w/me or not. Up to her.

We've had a lot of interaction -- about that and other, usual predictable BS...

She's really pretty hung up on that I said last night, after round after round of negative engagement, that "Plainly, we need to start figuring out how to end this relationship"

So, that's haunted today and this evening's conversation, a bit....

And, I think after a couple / three beers, she started to get still more churlish... but not awful....

But, for me, I pretty well have stayed patient and civil and open. Didn't rise much to any baits.

So, NOW she says, "Well, I've decided I'm going to Philly. BUT, if you say ONE CROSS WORD to me, or if I feel compeltely ignored [or something like that], I'm GONE. "

That just makes me feel like she's 1) thinking it's a privilege (in my head) to have her along and 2) pretty much setting the scenario for a problem.

I hope I'm wrong.

Not home.... hmmmm

Well, isn't this interesting. I was home by 4:00 today, a bit early, to take care of things before going out of town for a week....

M's not here. She had some laundry in the dryer.... but she's elsewhere -- heaven knows.

At least she's not here fighting with me and acting out. That's gotten really old.

for my part, I HAVE to stop rising to the bait. I keep doing so, over and over.... got to stop!!

Just walk away... walk away

Then again,

She sent this mid-afternoon

"Oh, I forgot. After last night I expect that I am uninvited. Sorry to have bothered you about this since it is irrelevant."

I suppose she's snippy because I haven't called and fawned and all that.

Made me wonder, but I didn't jump

Got a call this a.m. at 10:30 or so, from home.

"Just wanted to say 'I love you'"

"I love you too"

"That's all, that's why I called. Bye"


Well, I was a little concerned that this was another "goodbye forever" phone call in advance of a drug overdose or worse.... But, didn't feel as if it were appropriate for me to drop everything and run home (20 miles trip). So, I left it be. Figured to deal with what I must when I do get home.


Anyway, I felt a little better when about an hour and a quarter later, she emailed me to see when we are to leave for Philadephia tomorrow..... "What's our itinerary tomorrow?"

I figured that was at least a sign of no serious self-harm.

Sigh.

Don't you know?

The meltdown got led into after she'd had numerous beers, and who knows just which meds in her system. She'd continued to conflict with me and escalate / settle down.... Wouldn't quit no matter the lateness of the hour....

Then, momentarily, she started to talk again about last year and how hard that was and what a trauma it was to have my elderly father nearly crawl into bed with her....

She said, "Don't you understand? I'm afraid of your father."

Now, you have to understand that while I recall a younger father who was occasionally temperamental -- never abusive -- all she's ever known from this man is a gentleness of spirit and goodwill.


I was starting to understand that this was coming from some deeper, awful place.... and asked her if this fear was since then, or from before.

And she said, "it just takes me back to.... " and then she was inconsolable. Insisted I leave the room....

It appeared that a flood of sexual abuse memories intruded.

Mind you, she has never dealt with that stuff, as far as I know, with her T.

She wanted left alone. Stormed, raged, cried, sobbed. Mixed message with the doors. Locked one, left the other open.

About midnight I finally looked in on her and tried to finish talking her down, as she'd gotten calmer.

She spoke of sleeping under her bed so she mightn't be found.

She wondered why no one protected her..... why no one loved her.... and so on.

"Is it any wonder I'm so angry?" "I'm sorry to be angry so much... I know it's hard to deal with..."

But, she didn't want me near. I stayed in the doorway.


Earlier in the row, I'd finally made the statement that it was plain to me we do need to start talking about how to end this relationship.

"Yeah, thanks to YOUR mommy."

That didn't go far with me.

Anyway, suddenly, she briefly collected herself and started reprocessing that. Said, "OK, I am going to need to get myself out. Give me a date. Tell me when I have to be out of here."

Of course, I said, "not at 12:30 at night. That's not a further conversation to have."
(beside the fact that there isn't a good way to know whether she is in a dissociative state.... after all the conflict and upset and trauma....)

I was finally able to withdraw to the guest room and go to sleep.... but, I heard her mumbling about how she still didn't have a date by which to be out.... I ignored it, went to the guest bed and went to sleep.

Major meltdown -- sexual abuse flashback

She kept going round, picking fights, escalating. We went round and round...

But, strangely, at a point, she simmered down some... and then started in about how terribly traumatic it was last year when my elderly, confused father, middle of the night, nearly crawled into bed with her....

She said, "you'll never know what a trauma that was.... because...."

and suddenly, melted down completely.

Apparently some kind of flashback to episodes of sexual abuse from her childhood.,


Of course, before long she was blaming me for these terrible memories coming to the fore.

Crying uncontrollably. Saying awful things.

Meltdown.

She almost killed her cat today

Weird realities she can create.

She was already irritated with me, but was out on our front porch (we live in the country) and saw a tiny fawn come out.

She opened the door and called out to me to "Quick, look out the side window right now!!"

I said,"Which side window?" which she's since informed me she didn't understand the stupidity of....


Anyway, it irritated her further I guess, so she went to firmly shut / slam the front door, JUST as HER cat was trying to go out.

Clobbered him but good. I saw it happen, but didn't accurately track whether the cat went on out, or not.

Here's where it gets interesting. M INSISTED that the cat had leapt across the perennial garden and streaked into the woods.... probably terrbly hurt.

I want and started calling for him -- which she thought was idiotic.... Then, I went to change into long pants / long sleeve shirt to go into the woods.... So did she.

We looked and called for more than an hour. Then, I went in to wash up.... M's crying and mourning....

I'd kept wondering if the cat had truly gone out (since a BP can have some wild imagination when under stress).

So, on my way to wash, I looked under our headboard..,. low and beholdk here's the cat -- upset, still, about what happened... but just doing what a cat does -- hunkered down and not calling out....

Anyway, M is completely mystified as to how the cat ever got back in the house (did you teleport??). I don't think he went out -- I think he backed up and streaked upstairs and neither of us registered it.

I think her stress levels went up so much, that she imagined what she insists she saw. I think the cat "streaking into the woods" was essentially a hallucination, strees0-induced.

Anyway, M cannot figure out how the cat could have gotten himself back in....

But, it's not of any use to challenge such "memories" of an event that a BP person has....

T today

said she thinks M should take herself elsewhere if it's that difficult to be around my folks.

Says that if my folks have always visited in the summer, it's unrealistic for her to expect them to change to a Fall visit.

Encouraged me to just say things like, "I am not going to discuss my parents visit anymore!"

Didn't have much perspective on M's questions for my T and I to think about...

which infuriates M, of course.

Her suggestion for subjects today with MY T

What are realistic expectations (that I should have) in this situation?

and why isit not OK for M to set boundaries?
IE:
* she was not consulted about the plans
* has "no recourse" but to stay / accept the plans
* she's "stuck" with this
* she can't be here; but that's NOT OK


Oh, and lastly, I did ask her in one of the phone conversations if she'd managed to keep HER T appt this week. She said yes.

Round and round until

this a.m. round and round in a couple phone calls.

She "just doesn't know what to do in this situation"

I said one way would be to sublease something, relatively inexpensive for either her, or for my folks and me. She didn't like the idea that she'd "busted my ass on cleaning, hurt my hand, given up my PT, and then your folks wouldn't be here?"

She's plainly figured out that traveling and staying in Steamboat and the like is pretty pricy.

We finally gave up on that call as I got increasingly aggravated.

Half hour or so later, she called and said, "Here's my proposal. I can't get past the money. There are lots of OTHER things I'd rather spend money on that being elsewhere. But I can't be there when your parents are around / active. So, when they're there, and you're not, I'll be elsewhere. And, I ask that YOU do YOUR part by being home as much as you can when they're around."

I assured her that I will be, every evening possible.

She's not satisfied, but it's as far as we can go to "fix this mess".

She could try NOT making herself so crazy.

Last night; this a.m. so far

Last night she did leave her note in my sink -- I never turned the light on when I came up, so it got wet. I found it later, in the dark, when my eyes were adjusted. Set it out to dry.

This a.m., she got up first, and put it back in my sink.... don't know why she supposes I wouldn't see it otherwise....

Just says, "I need more infoin order to successfully navigage this ound of negotiaions [a work reference)](& sort of participatein your life). Today our calendar indicates a 5:5 p neg comm-- something or other. When you leftthis a.m. you reminded me that you woul dbe home late (again) tonight. What I need is you very best estimate regarding how late is late. Sorty I really have no idea. Monday I simploy got tired of waaiting so I went to sleep. I need a bit more info than it appears you can or will provide. P.S.I still need moreinformation regardnig when K (grand-daughter) dearts & what your prents are doing after that and before their appt in [small home town]. I've asked this atleast 3-4 time and I still have no more info than I did a few weeks ago. It makes it extremely difficulty to make plns for myself."


Unfortunately for her, some of these plans are and will be fluid.... Too bad, don't know what to tell her.

It took me a day to have an email exchange w/ mom to get specifics on appts. Mom's radar went up, and she started wondering if I'm getting a hard time over the visit. I left that alone.

Hmmmmm

Well, she went to Ikea and such with her sis. I can tell by some purchases laying around.

And Trader Joe's (more wine -- there's a good idea)

I had my other late night this week, got home at 8:30 p

She was on the phone, I think maybe to her sis. I said hello.... Not even a wave.

She left the master BR as I went and changed, and finished her conversation on the front porch.

Meanwhile, I noticed a note she'd started to scrawl -- hard to read... kind of packed together writing....

I just glanced at it -- saw some complaint about not knowing when I'd be home.... about needing to know the rest of the schedule for my folks and my grand-daughter's visit so she can make her own plans.... Yadayadayada.

Mind you, a day or so ago, when I mentioned my schedule and the two late evenings, she said, "well, I just figure you're home when you're home..." Of course, I DO know that she prefers to have estimated times.... even though she gets pissy when I am wrong, and later than expected.

But, frankly, after this weekend, I'm not so into doing exactly what she wants.

Anyway, she finished her phone conversation, headed into the garage for a bottle of water, and as she came back through, noticed the paperwork I'd left for her -- with the additional schedule info she's so desperately craving....

And, I said, "I think that I've got all the info you wanted now..." or something to that effect.

No reaction... Just headed back upstairs. Whatever.

I just hung on the deck reading where it's cooler. Mosquitoes just drove me inside, though.

Meanwhile, I am happy to say, the bedroom light and tv are off -- so it appears she's trying to go to sleep -- or, more likely, has drugged herself to sleep.

That's kind of terrible to have to say -- but it's the truth as I've known it.

Me, I'm pretty fatigued myself. Bad times over the weekend. Bad sleeping situation Sunday night. My own trouble getting tired / sleepy last night....

But, I don't really want ot head up until I'm pretty certain she's "out" and that I'm going to fall asleep almost immediately....

Today, so far

She was awake this a.m. when I left and allowed for a "normal" cordial goodbye kiss.

I reminded her that I had a meeting tonight from 5:30 until 7:30 or so, and she just shrugged that off.

She may have gone to the big city with her Sis today, but I don't know.

I haven't tried to call her, I'm too tired this p.m. and I don't need any drama.

For my part, I had a hard time settling down last night -- partly from getting home so late and putting in such a long day (first meeting @ 9am, home at 10pm.... longgggg....)

And it was hot and muggy -- so I didn't even attempt to go to bed until I was virtually certain to fall asleep. About midnight....

But at least it wasn't because of contention.

"not depressed"

Wanted to note this when it crossed back over my mind....

Yesterday / last evening.... one of the things M did was when I was in the house for a short time, she picked up a book she'd given me after she read it.

"Sometimes I Act Crazy" by the same authors as wrote, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"

anyay, she said "I looked through what you marked in here, and I noticed you marked a lot of stuff about depression."

"I'm not depressed. I'm just empty. That's different."

So she says.