It is amazing that a BPD person like M can actually seriously suggest that we the partner ought to quickly forgive and forget their acting out and their misbehaviors and nasty remarks....
She clearly expected to come to my conference, reconnect, get close, get recovered as a couple, etc, etc.
I, otoh, needed a respite from her -- just didn't want to ask for it. And, even though I tried to lay out non-rejecting options, she still managed to make Saturday night into a rejection....
I am so tired of this crap.... Now, I need to move out for the time being and get on with a real life...
Monday, July 30, 2007
M's middle of the night emails
[my comments in brackets]
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 01:36:22 -0400
Subject: good day
Remember this...... always.....
Or, perhaps, I should fill in a bit first. Last Saturday you laid out YOUR plans for this weekend. May I remind you that none of your scenarios remotely included me and your parents staying here together while you booked off to your meetings, sessions, imporant hobnobbing and social events...... So, how did that happen? I think that when it became clear to you that you had uninvited me, you should have packed up your parents and hauled them off
[that was not something M asked of me, either]
with you ... since that was your original plan, right? Or, would that have also interfered with your extracurricular activities, too? [ah.... the periodic accusation of "other women". She just can't seem to NOT go there eventually]
With the price of gas, I find it insane to propose that I am "welcome" as long as we drive separately. (By the way, if we have suddenly become independently wealthy, you have neglected to share that info with me, but since you haven't indicated thus I have to assume that we do still live in the "REAL" world where one has to pay one's own way....) [200 mile round trip. 8 gallons of gas. $25 for M's peace of mind or compared to the price of yet another hotel room for M or for the folks.... hmmm]
Never mind that I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep and have had a temp of 100 to 101 all day (not feeling like I want to make a 2 hour drive anywhere especially to somewhere I clearly was not wanted). [again, reading far more meaning into the words than she should have] Besides, after driving all over hell's half acre earlier this year, I'm not so much up for more solo road trips. I'm sure you don't understand that since you haven't ever been in a position to have to do that sort of thing yourself, therefore it probably just doesn't exist.
So.... to say this this day has not been one of my favorite days to have lived is to put it mildly.
Remember this...... always.....
I WILL NEVER EVER SPEND TIME IN MY HOUSE WITH Y0UR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT HERE. Got it?
This has been one of the most excruciatingly emotionally painful days in my entire life -- since your mother is everywhere (like the entire house belongs to her) it is extremely hard to stay out of her way and it is extremely clear that you don't want me around you in Bay City.... Tough times.
PS. Just so you know, I was really looking forward to these few days in Bay City as a respite from the past couple of months. [yeah, I figured it was all about "reconnecting" and getting closer, etc, etc.... Of course, that means I'd have to just forget all the stuff from the last few years -- while M can continue to remember and dredge up as she likes.... that's fair...] I'm pretty sure I do not like the fact that you took that away from me.
Enjoy your air conditioned comfort. As it was last your, it is going to be in the mid to upper 90s here Tues, Wed and maybe Thurs (so you will probably want to take your time getting home) and the upper 80s to low 90s through the weekend. THANKS SO MUCH.
Sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself and have the best ever conference.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 01:36:22 -0400
Subject: good day
Remember this...... always.....
Or, perhaps, I should fill in a bit first. Last Saturday you laid out YOUR plans for this weekend. May I remind you that none of your scenarios remotely included me and your parents staying here together while you booked off to your meetings, sessions, imporant hobnobbing and social events...... So, how did that happen? I think that when it became clear to you that you had uninvited me, you should have packed up your parents and hauled them off
[that was not something M asked of me, either]
with you ... since that was your original plan, right? Or, would that have also interfered with your extracurricular activities, too? [ah.... the periodic accusation of "other women". She just can't seem to NOT go there eventually]
With the price of gas, I find it insane to propose that I am "welcome" as long as we drive separately. (By the way, if we have suddenly become independently wealthy, you have neglected to share that info with me, but since you haven't indicated thus I have to assume that we do still live in the "REAL" world where one has to pay one's own way....) [200 mile round trip. 8 gallons of gas. $25 for M's peace of mind or compared to the price of yet another hotel room for M or for the folks.... hmmm]
Never mind that I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep and have had a temp of 100 to 101 all day (not feeling like I want to make a 2 hour drive anywhere especially to somewhere I clearly was not wanted). [again, reading far more meaning into the words than she should have] Besides, after driving all over hell's half acre earlier this year, I'm not so much up for more solo road trips. I'm sure you don't understand that since you haven't ever been in a position to have to do that sort of thing yourself, therefore it probably just doesn't exist.
So.... to say this this day has not been one of my favorite days to have lived is to put it mildly.
Remember this...... always.....
I WILL NEVER EVER SPEND TIME IN MY HOUSE WITH Y0UR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT HERE. Got it?
This has been one of the most excruciatingly emotionally painful days in my entire life -- since your mother is everywhere (like the entire house belongs to her) it is extremely hard to stay out of her way and it is extremely clear that you don't want me around you in Bay City.... Tough times.
PS. Just so you know, I was really looking forward to these few days in Bay City as a respite from the past couple of months. [yeah, I figured it was all about "reconnecting" and getting closer, etc, etc.... Of course, that means I'd have to just forget all the stuff from the last few years -- while M can continue to remember and dredge up as she likes.... that's fair...] I'm pretty sure I do not like the fact that you took that away from me.
Enjoy your air conditioned comfort. As it was last your, it is going to be in the mid to upper 90s here Tues, Wed and maybe Thurs (so you will probably want to take your time getting home) and the upper 80s to low 90s through the weekend. THANKS SO MUCH.
Sincerely hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself and have the best ever conference.
From sis
emails:
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:43:07 -0400
I haven't heard from her today and I'm wondering if you have? Let me know if you get this and give me a call or email if you hear anything from her. If we don't then I guess I'll call her sometime Monday afternoon and see what is up.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 08:34:21 -0400
Got an email at 1:13 a.m. from her, she is pretty pissed off it seems. She did tell me not to come out as you had "uninvited" her on Saturday.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I finally heard from her.
Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 22:43:07 -0400
I haven't heard from her today and I'm wondering if you have? Let me know if you get this and give me a call or email if you hear anything from her. If we don't then I guess I'll call her sometime Monday afternoon and see what is up.
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2007 08:34:21 -0400
Got an email at 1:13 a.m. from her, she is pretty pissed off it seems. She did tell me not to come out as you had "uninvited" her on Saturday.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know that I finally heard from her.
7 voicemails
left by M last night. Actually they weren't too bad. Didn't sound too much under the influence. First messages were practical: water pump cycling on / off too much -- maybe a problem (left about 11:30P).
Others, later, went into, "Hope you're having a nice conference networking and all that...." about 3 times and 3 different ways.
Beyond that, it didn't deteriorate in the voicemails.... She did send a couple emails later in the night.
She is pretty pissed off at having to be "at home with YOUR parents by myself..."
Too bad, so sad.
Others, later, went into, "Hope you're having a nice conference networking and all that...." about 3 times and 3 different ways.
Beyond that, it didn't deteriorate in the voicemails.... She did send a couple emails later in the night.
She is pretty pissed off at having to be "at home with YOUR parents by myself..."
Too bad, so sad.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Me, today
I went to my meeting. Went to the brewpub. Picked up some snacks at the store. Went to coffee to read the paper and the Sunday ads, went back to the brewpub for supper, beer, and a growler for later.
Then, I took myself to the expensive strip club and enjoyed myself greatly. I try not to overindulge, nor to grudge it to myself.
I left M be and didn't hear from her at all, either. Likely will get some VM or texts overnight....
But, I just stayed solitary today and motored down after all the crap she's dished. Again.
Meantime, I continue to think toward move-out and setting up my apartment!!!
I suppose there is a slender, slender chance she'll pull some shit while I'm gone and move or travel... But, I doubt it. For her, the threat is all she'll make -- she won't follow through.
She may be just a bit blindsided soon.....
Then, I took myself to the expensive strip club and enjoyed myself greatly. I try not to overindulge, nor to grudge it to myself.
I left M be and didn't hear from her at all, either. Likely will get some VM or texts overnight....
But, I just stayed solitary today and motored down after all the crap she's dished. Again.
Meantime, I continue to think toward move-out and setting up my apartment!!!
I suppose there is a slender, slender chance she'll pull some shit while I'm gone and move or travel... But, I doubt it. For her, the threat is all she'll make -- she won't follow through.
She may be just a bit blindsided soon.....
M's sis today
Called M's sis today to warn her of M's terrible mood from all this -- thinking sis might hear from an aggravated M....
She appreciated the warning, but said something VERY TELLING. she hadn't heard anything by midafternoon, and "I'll probably hear from her later after she's had about a case of beer...."
Yipe. That makes sis, both her boys, and me that all notice the behavior and hate the drunk dialing!!
She appreciated the warning, but said something VERY TELLING. she hadn't heard anything by midafternoon, and "I'll probably hear from her later after she's had about a case of beer...."
Yipe. That makes sis, both her boys, and me that all notice the behavior and hate the drunk dialing!!
Last night
Got contentious. Imagine that. M had gone off with her sis to a movie and dinner late in the p.m.. Before she left, though, she noticed that I had cleaned up and changed. I didn't have particular plans.... Anyway, she said, "Are you going somewhere? " I said, "I don't know. I just was done being dirty." (I'd worked in the yard / garden, weeding and such, most of the day!!)
Anyway, she left. I got hungry. Asked my folks if they wanted to go get something to eat. Oh, and at some point, mom said something about D, my son, mentioning that if we had any chance of getting together to meet his g-friend (I thought an introduction might be in order before she runs my folks to the airport on Monday...) the best chance was probably Saturday evening. So, one thing led to another and we did end up making connections with D and his girl.... Had a nice dinner together at a local pub....
We weren't late... But shortly after she got home, M literally buttonholed me and said, "If you had plans, why didn't you just say so??!!!" and went on to accuse me of being misleading. I told her no such thing occurred. That there were no plans at the point at which I came down changed -- other than to get something to eat when hungry I suppose.....
She stalked off, and the episode made me pretty peeved. So, I ended up taking it right back up with her on the deck [omg, in earshot of my mother.... horrors!!] We went round a little, but she didn't want to get too out of hand in front of the folks.
Later, though, after the folks went to bed, she made another snippy remark about things, including wondering if she was even still invited to go to the conference with me this week.
Well, I DO / DID have some concerns. And, she keeps wanting me to COMMUNICATE and BE HONEST.... So, I tried that. Got interrupted repeatedly. Tried to tell her it was OK for her to go, but that I really was NOT comfortable driving together. Tried to get her to understand that my discomfort came from the last week and weeks before that of fighting, as well as recalling how irksome it was 3 or 4 years ago when M got pissed off at the conference people and drove herself home -- leaving me stranded. It wasn't totally onerous -- a brewpub was within walking distance -- but, still and all, I had NO WHEELS to take myself anywhere else I might have to.... and I had to beg a ride home....
She completely dismissed and devalued all that, because, "After all, I OFFERED to come back and pick you up....." and "It was a long time ago -- it shouldn't still bother you...."
yadayadayada
All I was trying to communicate was that I wanted us to drive separately. It's true, although unexpressed through words or attitude, that I would rather she didn't come.... but, I was trying to continue to be gracious. No surprise, she went on to turn that concern into "clearly, you are UNINVITING ME yet again...."
So, it just got more contentious from there. No matter how much I corrected her that it wasn't whether I wanted her to be at the conference, it was all about driving separately because of my feelings from the other time..... she persisted in making it an extreme negative.
She didn't settle down well last night. Woke up in a bad tenor. And yet, despite that, I told her one more time before leaving that it was OK for her to come up. Just call and let me know if she decided to do so....
So, I came up to my conference. And, frankly, I have deliberately left her alone. I didn't need the grief.
I mentioned to her sis that I was resisting the urge to call her again and tell her once more that it was ok to come up -- and sis said, "Sounds like you already said it a few times...."
Anyway, she left. I got hungry. Asked my folks if they wanted to go get something to eat. Oh, and at some point, mom said something about D, my son, mentioning that if we had any chance of getting together to meet his g-friend (I thought an introduction might be in order before she runs my folks to the airport on Monday...) the best chance was probably Saturday evening. So, one thing led to another and we did end up making connections with D and his girl.... Had a nice dinner together at a local pub....
We weren't late... But shortly after she got home, M literally buttonholed me and said, "If you had plans, why didn't you just say so??!!!" and went on to accuse me of being misleading. I told her no such thing occurred. That there were no plans at the point at which I came down changed -- other than to get something to eat when hungry I suppose.....
She stalked off, and the episode made me pretty peeved. So, I ended up taking it right back up with her on the deck [omg, in earshot of my mother.... horrors!!] We went round a little, but she didn't want to get too out of hand in front of the folks.
Later, though, after the folks went to bed, she made another snippy remark about things, including wondering if she was even still invited to go to the conference with me this week.
Well, I DO / DID have some concerns. And, she keeps wanting me to COMMUNICATE and BE HONEST.... So, I tried that. Got interrupted repeatedly. Tried to tell her it was OK for her to go, but that I really was NOT comfortable driving together. Tried to get her to understand that my discomfort came from the last week and weeks before that of fighting, as well as recalling how irksome it was 3 or 4 years ago when M got pissed off at the conference people and drove herself home -- leaving me stranded. It wasn't totally onerous -- a brewpub was within walking distance -- but, still and all, I had NO WHEELS to take myself anywhere else I might have to.... and I had to beg a ride home....
She completely dismissed and devalued all that, because, "After all, I OFFERED to come back and pick you up....." and "It was a long time ago -- it shouldn't still bother you...."
yadayadayada
All I was trying to communicate was that I wanted us to drive separately. It's true, although unexpressed through words or attitude, that I would rather she didn't come.... but, I was trying to continue to be gracious. No surprise, she went on to turn that concern into "clearly, you are UNINVITING ME yet again...."
So, it just got more contentious from there. No matter how much I corrected her that it wasn't whether I wanted her to be at the conference, it was all about driving separately because of my feelings from the other time..... she persisted in making it an extreme negative.
She didn't settle down well last night. Woke up in a bad tenor. And yet, despite that, I told her one more time before leaving that it was OK for her to come up. Just call and let me know if she decided to do so....
So, I came up to my conference. And, frankly, I have deliberately left her alone. I didn't need the grief.
I mentioned to her sis that I was resisting the urge to call her again and tell her once more that it was ok to come up -- and sis said, "Sounds like you already said it a few times...."
Saturday, July 28, 2007
moving toward moving on
Well, I got the apartment key. Took a quick look about. Starting to make lists of things to pick up.
Talked with her sis yesterday about the impending change...... just to give her a decent heads-up. She's not surprised, and as with others, has wondered what's taken so long.
Guess we'll see what we see as we see it!
Talked with her sis yesterday about the impending change...... just to give her a decent heads-up. She's not surprised, and as with others, has wondered what's taken so long.
Guess we'll see what we see as we see it!
Now she's trying to play nice
I suppose it's because my folks will be gone soon..... She apologized for this week about 3 times last night. I know she's trying to engage me in "relationship discussions", but she still doesn't try to do that when entirely sober. I've told her many times I won't do those discussions unless we are both absolutely sober and sober-minded.
She's identified the "trigger" from her perspective. Monday I came home from work and "had an attitude and were totally withdrawn...."
"You know I always react badly when you withdraw"
I again explained that the biggest part of what was going on was that I was not feeling well. Felt quite ill, as I recall. That just resulted in a diatribe about "How tired I am about hearing about you feeling lousy, having a virus or whatever. Go to the damn doctor."
I wanted to respond that Monday, regardless, (and esp once she knew I hadn't felt well) was hardly an excuse for 4 nights of acting out.
Anyway, even though she was drinking, she stayed civil last night. I think she kind of wanted to move toward more friendly terms, but I definitely was a little standoffish about that.
About dusk, she wondered about lighting a fire in the firepit. We did. Spent a pleasant hour or so out there. I finally got sleepy... and I was trying to get away before anything unpleasant arose..... So, I politely took myself off to bed by 10:30 or so.
She didn't disturb me to mention, so I got the first good night's sleep of this week.
She's identified the "trigger" from her perspective. Monday I came home from work and "had an attitude and were totally withdrawn...."
"You know I always react badly when you withdraw"
I again explained that the biggest part of what was going on was that I was not feeling well. Felt quite ill, as I recall. That just resulted in a diatribe about "How tired I am about hearing about you feeling lousy, having a virus or whatever. Go to the damn doctor."
I wanted to respond that Monday, regardless, (and esp once she knew I hadn't felt well) was hardly an excuse for 4 nights of acting out.
Anyway, even though she was drinking, she stayed civil last night. I think she kind of wanted to move toward more friendly terms, but I definitely was a little standoffish about that.
About dusk, she wondered about lighting a fire in the firepit. We did. Spent a pleasant hour or so out there. I finally got sleepy... and I was trying to get away before anything unpleasant arose..... So, I politely took myself off to bed by 10:30 or so.
She didn't disturb me to mention, so I got the first good night's sleep of this week.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Lease is signed
Well, I stopped on my way in today and signed the lease on the apartment. Could be a waste of money at some point, but it's nice to have a safe place I am headed to at last.
Incremental steps. Secret and quiet.... Set up, go. No discussions. No bargain. This is under MY control, at last.
Incremental steps. Secret and quiet.... Set up, go. No discussions. No bargain. This is under MY control, at last.
Email from midnightish
Envelope-to: lsell@msu.edu
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 00:48:56 -0400
Subject: ????
I have NOT heard from you for weeks and weeks anything that remotely resembles anything that remotely sounds like I LOVE YOU. Bad sign. Really bad sign.
All I have heard is how awful I am in trying to stay out of your parents' way. How has that become such a HUGE ISSUE? Your family is more than welcome here. My not being here should not ever be an issue, ever. I simply do NOT UNDERSTAND what is the big deal????
Yes, we were all close a few years ago, but I cannot explain what has happened nor do I have any answers to your questions that you can understand or listen to. I am very sorry for that. i THOUGHT (silly me) that we had made a commitment to one another,barring outside stuff, because I believed WE were IMPORTANT but apparently I am once again totally clueless
Sorry I sincerely believed that we were back on the right track this spring. Clearly I was wrong, eh?
Would that I could go back and intervene in that brief, almost non-conversation, that occurred between you and your mother, without any thought of including me.... or that you had had the consideration to include me.... and which I had to pull up from a distant memory (because I WAS TRYING to get ready to go on a rare vacation with you)to even be able to question you about specific details..... which you didn't know at the time any details hen I asked questions nd you put be off... as usual.
I feel like I am always wrong and I cannot envision a scenario where I would ever be right..... or listened to sincerely.... or ever be acknowledged as being right, or being an intelligent human being with a fully functional brain .,... Funny how when the truth hits too close too home that you close down.
Why is that? Maybe , just maybe, ....... you are too used to being always right. HELLO... I AM NOT JUST A BLOND BIMBO (such as Maggie said you would choose and deserve). I am sure you are unaware that I am an intelligent human being, actually quite intelligent, and that, perhaps, you have become so accustomed to having your own way that you have no capacity to step outside yourself and see any other point of view,.....Sad for someone who does what you do to make a living. Good luck.
Never forget, lest you have already forgotten, I love you. I doubt that you can say that to me and really be truthful and really have it come from your heart. Time's passed. Ya know?
l/m, as always
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2007 00:48:56 -0400
Subject: ????
I have NOT heard from you for weeks and weeks anything that remotely resembles anything that remotely sounds like I LOVE YOU. Bad sign. Really bad sign.
All I have heard is how awful I am in trying to stay out of your parents' way. How has that become such a HUGE ISSUE? Your family is more than welcome here. My not being here should not ever be an issue, ever. I simply do NOT UNDERSTAND what is the big deal????
Yes, we were all close a few years ago, but I cannot explain what has happened nor do I have any answers to your questions that you can understand or listen to. I am very sorry for that. i THOUGHT (silly me) that we had made a commitment to one another,barring outside stuff, because I believed WE were IMPORTANT but apparently I am once again totally clueless
Sorry I sincerely believed that we were back on the right track this spring. Clearly I was wrong, eh?
Would that I could go back and intervene in that brief, almost non-conversation, that occurred between you and your mother, without any thought of including me.... or that you had had the consideration to include me.... and which I had to pull up from a distant memory (because I WAS TRYING to get ready to go on a rare vacation with you)to even be able to question you about specific details..... which you didn't know at the time any details hen I asked questions nd you put be off... as usual.
I feel like I am always wrong and I cannot envision a scenario where I would ever be right..... or listened to sincerely.... or ever be acknowledged as being right, or being an intelligent human being with a fully functional brain .,... Funny how when the truth hits too close too home that you close down.
Why is that? Maybe , just maybe, ....... you are too used to being always right. HELLO... I AM NOT JUST A BLOND BIMBO (such as Maggie said you would choose and deserve). I am sure you are unaware that I am an intelligent human being, actually quite intelligent, and that, perhaps, you have become so accustomed to having your own way that you have no capacity to step outside yourself and see any other point of view,.....Sad for someone who does what you do to make a living. Good luck.
Never forget, lest you have already forgotten, I love you. I doubt that you can say that to me and really be truthful and really have it come from your heart. Time's passed. Ya know?
l/m, as always
Last night
She spun out of control again. Not as bad as sometimes.
Went round a bit, even though I kept tellilng her I wasn't going to engage in it....
One of the outrageous statement/questions was when she asked (clearly under the usual influences) "So, when do I need to be moved OUT of here...." and, "I'll be damned (or something) if I'll let YOU move closer to work and leave me out here in the middle of nowhere!!"
yadayadayada.
She also started in about her fibro -- not recognizing that she causes her own stress which exacerbates her conditions, including the fibro!!
Anyway, I got to sleep in the living room. And, she still did things that disturbed my sleep (midnight search for her cat, whom she had scared.....). At one point, I thought she'd finally fallen off to sleep with the lights on.... went upstairs to put myself in the guest room....
But, she was in the den writing me a lovely message.... See next entry.
Went round a bit, even though I kept tellilng her I wasn't going to engage in it....
One of the outrageous statement/questions was when she asked (clearly under the usual influences) "So, when do I need to be moved OUT of here...." and, "I'll be damned (or something) if I'll let YOU move closer to work and leave me out here in the middle of nowhere!!"
yadayadayada.
She also started in about her fibro -- not recognizing that she causes her own stress which exacerbates her conditions, including the fibro!!
Anyway, I got to sleep in the living room. And, she still did things that disturbed my sleep (midnight search for her cat, whom she had scared.....). At one point, I thought she'd finally fallen off to sleep with the lights on.... went upstairs to put myself in the guest room....
But, she was in the den writing me a lovely message.... See next entry.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Well, here goes?!
With a little doubt and trepidation, I have planned / arranged to meet the landlord tomorrow to sign a lease.
Lots tells me it's for the best. Parts of me are very reluctant.
Put out affirmative thoughts for me.
Lots tells me it's for the best. Parts of me are very reluctant.
Put out affirmative thoughts for me.
She's continuning to act out
and try to provoke me. This time the provocation was her incensement at my g-daughter messing about the pond, contrary to what M told me.... (she found a picture on the digital camera)... Pissed her off. "You don't listen to anything I say. Nothing I say means anything to you...."
Then, "So, when is my drop dead date for moving my ass out" (she's thinking she's moving out??!! )
Later, after a few more beers, more attempts at provocation.
I parried most of them. Didn't get too worked up or pissed off back at her.
Humph!
Now, she's been on her phone a while to her sis, carrying on about her travails no doubt.
Then, "So, when is my drop dead date for moving my ass out" (she's thinking she's moving out??!! )
Later, after a few more beers, more attempts at provocation.
I parried most of them. Didn't get too worked up or pissed off back at her.
Humph!
Now, she's been on her phone a while to her sis, carrying on about her travails no doubt.
Feedback this a.m.
I have a couple of intuitive friends that have been great during this transitional period. My massage therapist has been lightly encouraging me to move on... And, I have an intuitive counselor that I called this a.m. as well.
She indicated that the only thing she picked up from my (potential)landlord, was a tendency for him to try to cheat on the money / damage / deposit stuff a bit. Just advised I make sure the lease and understandings were all in writing as they should be. Otherwise, she seemed to think that now is a good time to make the move (actually, truth be told, she expected me and advised it happen some time ago.... )
I did mention that an astrologer had warned me about personal safety issues with M if things went sour or toward a break-up of the relationship....
She said, "Absolutely take care about that. Very strong vibe to be cautious" She also thought I should be very careful of my physical safety once this starts coming down.
I also mentioned that I had needed to get to a point of knowing with certainty that this relationship, as a primary / partnership / marital like relationship was over and done, and done for all time.... as I think it is.
But, that I was open, practically, to other relationship constructs as required. She cautioned that I would need to be VERY black and white. Very certain. Not give any mixed signals about the future and the possibility of a renewed primary relationship.
"You're a nice guy and willing to help, but don't get caught up in it or let yourself get taken advantage of further."
She also assured me that mom can take care of her own if M confronts her in some nasty manner
She indicated that the only thing she picked up from my (potential)landlord, was a tendency for him to try to cheat on the money / damage / deposit stuff a bit. Just advised I make sure the lease and understandings were all in writing as they should be. Otherwise, she seemed to think that now is a good time to make the move (actually, truth be told, she expected me and advised it happen some time ago.... )
I did mention that an astrologer had warned me about personal safety issues with M if things went sour or toward a break-up of the relationship....
She said, "Absolutely take care about that. Very strong vibe to be cautious" She also thought I should be very careful of my physical safety once this starts coming down.
I also mentioned that I had needed to get to a point of knowing with certainty that this relationship, as a primary / partnership / marital like relationship was over and done, and done for all time.... as I think it is.
But, that I was open, practically, to other relationship constructs as required. She cautioned that I would need to be VERY black and white. Very certain. Not give any mixed signals about the future and the possibility of a renewed primary relationship.
"You're a nice guy and willing to help, but don't get caught up in it or let yourself get taken advantage of further."
She also assured me that mom can take care of her own if M confronts her in some nasty manner
Seems like my mind is nearly made up
Here's a message exchange I've had with a friend yesterday/today:
That's actually what got me to look in the paper yesterday. The place I had my eye on ended up having been let.
I have needed to be as certain as I can within that I did all I could (I have).
My other reluctance, I know, is rooted in rescue reactions and co-dependency.
Nothing healthy there!!
Somewhat related to the co-dependence is a pragmatic attempt to make
sure the timing is right within several different cycles. For instance, I didn't
really choose to do this in the winter because of her SAD exacerbating
everything else. This summer, I've hosted my parents, soon leaving....
And we have a craft business together that needs to go into production
in mid-Fall for the Fall / Xmas show season. (not critical that I be involved,
but I suspect once the dust settles and she gets civil and real (IF) that
she'll want me to assist with that.... but it's fine with me if I don't!!
Anyway, bottom line is that a change of living arrangement in August is
probably about the right timing....
I've been resisting doing what's best for ME, I know that. Again, that
has to change, and the only way to change it is to for one of us
to be elsewhere.
Hmmmm... sure sounds like I'm talking myself clearly toward one direction
here.... /Pop
Yeah, I do know the drill...but you have been thinking about this for along time and what happens if the apartment is no longer available when you finally decide "it is time?" I am a firmer believer that when it
That's actually what got me to look in the paper yesterday. The place I had my eye on ended up having been let.
is time to get out things pretty much fall into place. What fear is holding you back from making the decision that you know you must make to be finally get your peace of mind back? Fear of Loneliness..heck you are alone now, even though you aren't. Financially you are able to make it. So take
I have needed to be as certain as I can within that I did all I could (I have).
My other reluctance, I know, is rooted in rescue reactions and co-dependency.
Nothing healthy there!!
Somewhat related to the co-dependence is a pragmatic attempt to make
sure the timing is right within several different cycles. For instance, I didn't
really choose to do this in the winter because of her SAD exacerbating
everything else. This summer, I've hosted my parents, soon leaving....
And we have a craft business together that needs to go into production
in mid-Fall for the Fall / Xmas show season. (not critical that I be involved,
but I suspect once the dust settles and she gets civil and real (IF) that
she'll want me to assist with that.... but it's fine with me if I don't!!
Anyway, bottom line is that a change of living arrangement in August is
probably about the right timing....
a deep long look at what is keeping you stuck from doing what is truly best for you? She can obviously take care of herself. I'm not telling you to go. I'm not telling you to stay. I'm telling you to do what you think is best to take care of yourself the way you need to.
I've been resisting doing what's best for ME, I know that. Again, that
has to change, and the only way to change it is to for one of us
to be elsewhere.
Hmmmm... sure sounds like I'm talking myself clearly toward one direction
here.... /Pop
I'm here for you hun. Let me know what's going on in that head of yours.
Last night made me tired too, and now I'm ticked off
She fooled me. Again.
The early evening was nondescript. No big deals. Typical light conversations.
But, as per the Double Standards entry, she eventually engaged in a typical withdrawal.
I left her to it. Didn't actually worry about it. And, I'm just not very willing to try to draw her out of the withdrawn places anymore, particularly when she has been drinking -- which is usually the case when things are strained or anxious or whatever....
Anyway, I actually made the mistake of thinking she'd tried to be courteous and unobtrusive.
BUT, just after 11p, I realized she had turned the movie off and put the news on. So, there was hope for going to bed normally.... silly me to think THAT!
Not long after I went upstairs, M says, "So did you like tonight better than last night?"
Of course, I should have seen it for the loaded question it was... But, instead I answered, "Yes. did you?"
Well, that resulted in a light round of pissy talk from her. Mostly centered around, "You know, we can't fix anything if we don't communicate. And there is an 800 pound gorilla sitting in this house...." Etc, etc.
I expressed my lack of willingness to engage in any discussion at 11:20 at night. She said "I'm not trying to start anything...."
Then, her words heated up some more and she continued a bit further.
After a moment and a pause, I just said, "Is this your version of "not starting anything"?"
That mostly shut her up. She rolled over to go to sleep. Made a few more remarks..... finally passed out or went to sleep....
I took some valerian and watched 15 minutes more TV to finish settling down.
I didn't rise to her bait, but it's still disturbing.....
BUT, if I rent this apartment I have on the line.... I mightn't have to put up with this stuff much longer!!
The early evening was nondescript. No big deals. Typical light conversations.
But, as per the Double Standards entry, she eventually engaged in a typical withdrawal.
I left her to it. Didn't actually worry about it. And, I'm just not very willing to try to draw her out of the withdrawn places anymore, particularly when she has been drinking -- which is usually the case when things are strained or anxious or whatever....
Anyway, I actually made the mistake of thinking she'd tried to be courteous and unobtrusive.
BUT, just after 11p, I realized she had turned the movie off and put the news on. So, there was hope for going to bed normally.... silly me to think THAT!
Not long after I went upstairs, M says, "So did you like tonight better than last night?"
Of course, I should have seen it for the loaded question it was... But, instead I answered, "Yes. did you?"
Well, that resulted in a light round of pissy talk from her. Mostly centered around, "You know, we can't fix anything if we don't communicate. And there is an 800 pound gorilla sitting in this house...." Etc, etc.
I expressed my lack of willingness to engage in any discussion at 11:20 at night. She said "I'm not trying to start anything...."
Then, her words heated up some more and she continued a bit further.
After a moment and a pause, I just said, "Is this your version of "not starting anything"?"
That mostly shut her up. She rolled over to go to sleep. Made a few more remarks..... finally passed out or went to sleep....
I took some valerian and watched 15 minutes more TV to finish settling down.
I didn't rise to her bait, but it's still disturbing.....
BUT, if I rent this apartment I have on the line.... I mightn't have to put up with this stuff much longer!!
Yoda
After the go-rounds Tuesday night, and the "Who's leaving, you or me" "Do you want me out tonight, or is this weekend OK" kinds of comments, (rejecting & attacking & projecting before I might do the same....)
She left this note overnight:
"Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." He might have said "You are together or your are not. There is no coming together sometimes. Choose the one. There is no sometimes." or something like that. " L/M
Good old "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me" push-pull behaviors.....
She left this note overnight:
"Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." He might have said "You are together or your are not. There is no coming together sometimes. Choose the one. There is no sometimes." or something like that. " L/M
Good old "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me" push-pull behaviors.....
Little tired, and a little pissed off (review of Tuesday night)
That's how I'm feeling so far this a.m..
Let's just review my last two "evenings at home", shall we.
Monday evening I recall neutrally.
Tuesday evening, though, as you may gather from a previous post, was egregious. I felt as if M was a powderkeg, and with my current work troubles -- and the challenge I am having in being fully productive because of all the sh** I have on my mind all the time with living with and coping with her -- I deliberately did NOT call her during the day. I just didn't want my head messed up...
Oh, but I forget, the nasty tenor that ensued was MY FAULT so I was told that night. You see, I left Tuesday a.m. with the comment, pleasantly expressed, "See you when I get home after work." Perfectly civil, courteous, pleasant... or so I thought.
But apparently, SHE read into that, "Don't call me; I'm not bothering to invite you to lunch or coffee or anything today; Don't bother me; Don't expect to see / talk to me until after work." At least that's what I got out of the diatribes that ensued Tuesday night. She really resented that I didn't make any invite or call at all during the day.
Oh, and my personal favorite interchange was when she recalled that I hadn't been feeling well (and I had told her that part of the reason I hadn't made much contact on Monday was feeling physically very lousy -- some damn virus again, exacerbated of course...)
She said, "You know, you said you haven't been feeling well. I think it's STRESS. "
Well, hello...... I started to say, "Well, it's both. I know when I have a virus.... and it's made me feel pretty lousy... but, yes, it's definitely been exacerbated by stre..."
and she interrupts me. She often / usually does. Her conversation style is interruptive. She thinks it's a typically feminine style, but I think it's more interruptive and rude than average.... Anyway, she interrupted and went off on her tangents and her tear.... I don't even recall the detail of it....
But, here's the best part. Before long she was complaining about how, "The only couple of times I've tried to talk to you in front of your mother, SHE'S INTERRUPTED and rolled right over the top of me...." "That's just rude and inconsiderate!" (and, apparently, more proof of my mother's dislike and disrespect, I guess).
I finally pointed out that such was exactly the same communication style as M has.... But, somehow that's different.
When she settled some, she also wanted me to clarify to my folks that M's daytime trips out of the house are "pretty normal". "After all, up until I had to clean the house for a month, I was trying to get out and be somewhere around people every day or two. So you need to make clear to your mother that I'm not doing that to avoid being around them."
OK, sure. I'll tell her..... but she and I and anyone rational will understand M is just fooling herself and rationalizing her behaviors.
Anyway, as the evening went on, M got worse, more angry and dysphoric. I touched on that in other entries. I nearly had to leave the house, again. She threatened to change the locks, etc, etc.
It was 11:30p plus before I was able to settle and go to sleep.... and she was troubled enough in her sleeping to bother me, I think... So, it wasn't very restful.
I did make a point, toward morning, or caressing her waist and later, lightly cuddling her. I though it might be a welcome show of caring.... but I was mistaken. I'll explain in a subsequent entry.
Let's just review my last two "evenings at home", shall we.
Monday evening I recall neutrally.
Tuesday evening, though, as you may gather from a previous post, was egregious. I felt as if M was a powderkeg, and with my current work troubles -- and the challenge I am having in being fully productive because of all the sh** I have on my mind all the time with living with and coping with her -- I deliberately did NOT call her during the day. I just didn't want my head messed up...
Oh, but I forget, the nasty tenor that ensued was MY FAULT so I was told that night. You see, I left Tuesday a.m. with the comment, pleasantly expressed, "See you when I get home after work." Perfectly civil, courteous, pleasant... or so I thought.
But apparently, SHE read into that, "Don't call me; I'm not bothering to invite you to lunch or coffee or anything today; Don't bother me; Don't expect to see / talk to me until after work." At least that's what I got out of the diatribes that ensued Tuesday night. She really resented that I didn't make any invite or call at all during the day.
Oh, and my personal favorite interchange was when she recalled that I hadn't been feeling well (and I had told her that part of the reason I hadn't made much contact on Monday was feeling physically very lousy -- some damn virus again, exacerbated of course...)
She said, "You know, you said you haven't been feeling well. I think it's STRESS. "
Well, hello...... I started to say, "Well, it's both. I know when I have a virus.... and it's made me feel pretty lousy... but, yes, it's definitely been exacerbated by stre..."
and she interrupts me. She often / usually does. Her conversation style is interruptive. She thinks it's a typically feminine style, but I think it's more interruptive and rude than average.... Anyway, she interrupted and went off on her tangents and her tear.... I don't even recall the detail of it....
But, here's the best part. Before long she was complaining about how, "The only couple of times I've tried to talk to you in front of your mother, SHE'S INTERRUPTED and rolled right over the top of me...." "That's just rude and inconsiderate!" (and, apparently, more proof of my mother's dislike and disrespect, I guess).
I finally pointed out that such was exactly the same communication style as M has.... But, somehow that's different.
When she settled some, she also wanted me to clarify to my folks that M's daytime trips out of the house are "pretty normal". "After all, up until I had to clean the house for a month, I was trying to get out and be somewhere around people every day or two. So you need to make clear to your mother that I'm not doing that to avoid being around them."
OK, sure. I'll tell her..... but she and I and anyone rational will understand M is just fooling herself and rationalizing her behaviors.
Anyway, as the evening went on, M got worse, more angry and dysphoric. I touched on that in other entries. I nearly had to leave the house, again. She threatened to change the locks, etc, etc.
It was 11:30p plus before I was able to settle and go to sleep.... and she was troubled enough in her sleeping to bother me, I think... So, it wasn't very restful.
I did make a point, toward morning, or caressing her waist and later, lightly cuddling her. I though it might be a welcome show of caring.... but I was mistaken. I'll explain in a subsequent entry.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Double standards
I get tired of the double standard that applies when you live with a BPD person. Tonight, for instance, I made a point of being entirely friendly / affable when I got home (tried to call twice over the day -- doing my duty)..... Things were civil / friendly enough.
But, she eventually took herself inside to read, leaving the deck without a word...
Actually, what really struck me, though, was that I noticed she'd found the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on one of the movie channels. I joined her and watched it (she watched/listened/read).... When that movie was over, she did a bit of guide checking.... then put the channel back on where some other "mystery" movie was starting..... which I assumed SHE wanted to watch...
Buuuuuttttt, after a while, I realized she had taken herself upstairs. Again, without a word. At least, not until she had a little trouble with the DVD set up in the bedroom....
After I assisted, she had a movie on, volume loud -- I was kinda figuring I'd have to start out sleeping downstairs.
So, let's see if I get this. It's OK if SHE'S rude to me, leaves without a word, etc... but what would happen if I did that?? We know, don't we.
But, she eventually took herself inside to read, leaving the deck without a word...
Actually, what really struck me, though, was that I noticed she'd found the movie, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on one of the movie channels. I joined her and watched it (she watched/listened/read).... When that movie was over, she did a bit of guide checking.... then put the channel back on where some other "mystery" movie was starting..... which I assumed SHE wanted to watch...
Buuuuuttttt, after a while, I realized she had taken herself upstairs. Again, without a word. At least, not until she had a little trouble with the DVD set up in the bedroom....
After I assisted, she had a movie on, volume loud -- I was kinda figuring I'd have to start out sleeping downstairs.
So, let's see if I get this. It's OK if SHE'S rude to me, leaves without a word, etc... but what would happen if I did that?? We know, don't we.
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