Catching up

Well, just a quick catch-up.

Love life, interesting. I now have a love interest (friends tempted to be more, much more) in A2, one in TC who is warming up quickly enough -- that one I need to be careful about having any rebound stuff happening, as this is the relationship that my metaphysicians think is "THE ONE", and now I have a local strong interest as well.

That last one I think is going to be fun. Not quite 10 years younger. Very whole, a little extra meat but great personality. Instant attraction on our first date. I don't see it terribly likely to be long-term, but I think it's going to be a really nice involvement. [could not recall who this referred to until I went back to old email. This was a reference to a lady from law enforcement who got wayyy too friendly, too soon. Deep kisses in the karaoke bar on the 2nd or 3rd date, plus an "interest" in having me come over to install an icemaker in her refrigerator.... made the "crazy" alarms go off. I dropped her after about 4 or 5 dates. ]

Meanwhile the EX is getting wonky about the disposition of the house. I think she MAY be suspicious that I'm buying something else (her son is probably hinting that to her). SHE isn't giving ME much info on her intentions, and I continue to manage the interactions between us very very carefully. Like this:

Her: Also, do you still intend to move back here once I'm gone?

ME: Not really, and I certainly do not plan to move back permanently
when that day comes.

Her: I guess I don't even know what this means. What do you intend to do with this house?

ME: Prepare it for sale and sell it -- at least that is the most likely.

She's going to be really unhappy when it finally hits that I've bought my own place, will move my six foot grand piano, and that her options on OUR real estate just got lots more limited -- mostly due to her nastiness and stubbornness and ragefulness.

Work-wise, I have some challenges -- I anticipate weathering them, but things are a little rough.

My A2 friend showed some of the behaviors last night that apparently she's had in the past put men off. She got really "out there" very assertive, lots of "you should" advise, way more energetic about my business than was useful for me at 10:00 at night when I'm trying to motor down. On and on about "those people are CALLING YOU OUT AND YOU HAVE TO DISH IS BACK. NO ONE CALLS ME OUT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT...." etc, etc.

I finally had to get a bit firm with her to back her off. I really needed more calm supportive conversation.

As I backed her off some, then she started in about how she's "used to people finding her a bit too much a lot of the time, but that's ok.... that's just who I am". etc.

I addressed that briefly. I don't think she really understood. And, she clearly doesn't understand how unwelcome men find unsolicited advice!!

I'm sure we'll talk today or tonight. It will be interesting to see if she says anything about last night's interchange. I won't. I will simply make note of it and learn from it. Now I know a bit more about her and her style. What that means for whatever we are headed for in this universe, we'll just have to see.....

It puts me off a little, but nothing I can't get over or otherwise put aside.

astrologer visit

happened yesterday. Kind of a follow up to the intuitive reading I had a few weeks back. Interestingly, the astrologer confirmed pretty much what my intuitive, and my intuition were telling me.... that my TC friend may lead to wonderful things..... but that my A2 friend has to be handled with some care..... that she might be quite a handful if we go the next step -- that SHE would be MORE bothered by a full blown sexual involvement that cools off later than I would. The astrologer says it's a real possibility that A2 would be much more attached than I would and would find going back to "friendship" difficult..... The astrologer even went so far as to say that it would be "real messy" once the line is crossed.

Considering that we are barely holding off being fully sexual, this has been an adjustment.... and I'm still not sure we won't go there....

Buying a house, challenging finances

Well, it appears I am buying a house and affording the new budget, supporting two mortgages, etc, will be a challenge. the house I look to be procuring is aggressively priced and offers a decent to excellent profit / equity opportunity. But, it's a tough budget I'll be faced with, that is for certain.

M will not be happy as I will probably have to force some issues on our joint assets, especially the stock account. Oh well. I don't live for her happiness and to avoid troubling her any more.

More interesting all the time

My friend in A2 and I are getting closer to an outright relationship, including sexual. We're struggling with how to go "there" and not damage the friendship if things don't work out, etc...

My friend in TC is continuing to experience some challenges in dealing with her feelings and grief over the end of the relationship she'd had.

T, my intuitive counselor saw no real issues or dangers in getting further involved with A2, but strongly feels I will end up, quite permanently and happily, with TC. It was interesting in a phone conversation yesterday that at one point, I said that TC needed some healing and recovery time and that it would be a year before she and I would be physical.... T said, that's what I was getting, but didn't want to put it out there.... confirmation, though. Take it slow and easy.

I also touched my friend in the local area, PK. T warned me way off of her. Said, accurately, that PK has too many of the same traits and neediness of my ex. That it would be unlikely to be a health-based relationship, etc... "run away"... Well, I won't do that, but I will be cautious about going further or giving PK any wrong impressions.

Finally, I called T about a house I was considering bidding on and her strong advise was BUY.

Numbers look a bit tight.... but, it's a great opportunity. House is still available and the prospective deal is pretty good. Maybe $90k to 95k.

Interesting few weeks

My visit to the north was very nice. Got a nice connection going with the TC lady. I think we'll see more of each other. Over the course of Wed, Thu, and Saturday, we spent a total of 7 hours or so together. Much road traveled.... My intuitive counselor had told me this was a likely "soul mate"..... Well, that's gotten interesting.

You see, my TC friend came to MY town last Sunday night to go to the concert of her ex-BF, whom she'd had a bilateral, amicable breakoff with..... He's an extremely gifted classical guitarist. I went as well, and we all, she, him, me, and a mutual friend, and a couple other guys my friends knew, all went out afterward together..... A little odd, but not bad (she told me later she was slightly uncomfortable, but handled it. ).

So, the "getting interesting" soul-mate wise.... Well, Tuesday, over the course of the day, my upper right breast muscles began to ache and get sore. Sorer and sorer over the course of the day and evening. For no known reason. No lifting. Viral? Maybe.... But, I think it was a diredct connection with TC....

You see, I called her just after 10 p that night.... we only talked a few minutes before she began to share that she was alone in her house (son had gone to visit his sis) and she'd been experiencing wave after wave of intense grief over the ending of her relationship (of seven years).

I spent an hour and a half 0n the phone with her, then went to bed....

There, as I started to sleep, I realized that my soreness was about where another person's heart would be relative to me in a full body hug....

and that I had been physically manifesting HER broken heart over the course of the afternoon and evening.

That makes me speculate that the "soul mate" connection MIGHT be past-life / karmic in nature....

In other words, the universe is giving me NO hints about these women in my life... At least no hints that are useful!!

Sigh. /Pop

Falling in love?

Hmmmm..... My AA friend is confused and confusing me... I care about her deeply. I could fall in love with her, really easily.... Teetering on the edge sometimes....

We are very natural together. Very comfortable. More so than she sometimes realizes. SHE had a friend who saw us together and commented how "relaxed" she looked while with me.... clearly her friend thought she was seeing a great match....

Well, my friend is very trepidatious because of past hurts. And, I'm not sure she's entirely recognizing her own feelings.... She's close to falling for me, too. That could get really complicating....

Why do I think she's nearly in love.... well, if I don't call her every day, she calls me. We're very good friends, and parts of us want to be much more. She talks of the difficulties of being mixed race as a couple -- tests my comfort level with that.

But, the most telling is this. She is in a leadership position in her area and has experienced the deaths of two staff people she knew over the course of two weeks. AA cares deeply about her folks. I knew she was hurting, and that she could use some support. So I sent her a nice note of sympathy. Showed some deep caring (because I care deeply for her).... She got that note Friday night, went to the funeral on Saturday... and told me last night that all she was thinking about about there was me. The deceased had the same birthday as me. She also was the "only woman in a sea of men" -- which AA kind of correlated to me (having been the oldest of 4, 2 brothers, two sons, two step-sons....)

AA took the note as indicating that I was falling or in love with her (not quite, but I could...) What I DON'T think she's in touch with is that it's been SO LONG since she's allowed anyone into her universe, to care deeply and express loving concern..... that I do and express it makes some unfamiliar loving feelings arise for her....

But, this is really quite the challenge for me, as well..... I thought she would only get more involved if she was in a permanent, one-last relationship, etc..... but I'm not sure that's the case. I feel as if we're likely to go further than I had expected.... more than friends with benefits, but less than a full-blown, exclusive relationship.

I don't know how I feel about that. I think I need to be able to have the latitude to explore the possibilities with TC, but I don't want to abrogate my relationship with AA.

And, knowing that TC could really end up moving overseas in a couple of years, really puts a touch of concern and confusion into that possible relationship in my mind.....

Like I said, I thought my visit with TC would help clarify the pathway..... but nope!! Gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and just see where life leads me.

connections, possibilities, unclear pathways

Well, what an interesting few weeks. I just spent several days in the north country where I was able to make connections with an auld acquaintance, a greek woman I knew slightly a dozen years ago. I had stored memories and hopes, I suppose, about her, inside.... not sure why. Just did.

Well, we have visited now for a number of hours. Before we met FTF, we talked for a several hours by phone, an hour or so at a time, over the course of a few weeks. Just before I was to go to her neck of the woods, she happened to come into my area to lecture at the college, so we actually got our initial FTF over with a day sooner than expected, visiting over tea for over an hour and a half. Of course, THAT could have ended it right there. But it didn't!! When I got to her city the next day and called to check plans, to see if we were sticking to the plan to get together, she was more than interested. Picked me up, took me here and there showing me her office and her haunts. We spent two hours visiting and getting to know each other.

We had talked about maybe getting together again on Saturday, she cancelled an afternoon appointment.... she needs to do a bunch of CMEs though, and had decided she'd better work on those.... but, it was OK if we planned to have lunch. Well, I had things I should do, too, so an hour or so over lunch was going to be OK.

Well, I stopped by her office at noon as planned. She asked if I minded walking a while, she loves to walk and swim in the sunshine. So we walked together for nearly two hours before we stopped by a metaphysical / new age bookstore and hten went to lunch.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon or later before I took my leave..... Wow.

And she wanted to know when business might bring me back up.... and other remarks later when I called to let her know I was near to getting home, clearly showed a lot of interest.

Here's why... there MAY BE a strong karmic connection here. You see, it doesn't make complete sense that for 12 years or so, I've at least slightly kept track of her. Even more interesting, MY intuition / inclination and such to contact her coincided with when she was ending a 7 year relationship. (Holy shit, I just realized that ties into the 7 year cycling that my astrologer speaks of..... I'm in my 7/14 year from my latest failed relationship).

Anyway, it is facinating that when I began to think about trying to contact her, she was breaking off with her partner. Amicably. But, breaking off.

Then it gets a bit more complicated.....

One of the things that came into the conversation is that she plans to move back to Greece when her son graduates high school. 2 years hence. That's an odd twist to contemplate. Interestingly, my intuitive counselor asked me, "What's happening in two years?"

Well, there it is.... with my TC lady. Also a two year thing with my very good friend, maybe lover to be, in the nearby city (hour away). That friend AA, is retiring in 2 years. Both are women of color (Greek and African American, respectively). TC fits the picture my intuitive saw the best....

And, who knows....

I HAD hoped that this visit would make pathways clearer.... but, no such luck. LOL

Nice day

Spent today with my very good friend.... Very nice day.

Got tempted to violate my gentlemanly principles.... when it was getting about time to leave... so I did.... (leave, that is)

Life takes some interesting twists

I must say.

The other day, my intuitive counselor said she thinks I will be married again.... saw a woman in my future, "the one", with dark hair..... medium height. Maybe 130 lbs.... etc...

Eventually I gave her some info about my recently made best friend who lives in a town about an hour from me. There were lots of indicators that LC is the one.... but.... my counselor did wonder about "a son??".... I sloughed it off to LC being close to her neice and nephew....BUT....

I'm to visit a town in the north about 3 hours.... in a couple of weeks. Just on the off chance.... I found an address for a doctor I once knew -- a beautiful Greek woman -- physician.... I was smitten the very first time I saw her.....

Anyway, I dropped her a note.... figuring the chance that she would respond was pretty remote.... But, she did!! today when she received the note. She seemed very intrigued.

Bottom line is, we kind of have a date set for when I am in the area. And, her youngest child is a 16 y.o. boy....

So... one might just wonder.....

I'm really in a bit of a lather here.... I thought LC and I were headed in a very good direction..... I was entertaining notions that she's "the one", without getting too assumptive.....

But, now that MK has entered the picture.... I'm not sure where life is leading....

Guess we'll see. I have the privilege of sharing a brunch with LC tomorrow -- the first she's shared a Sunday with a man in a long time.....

We are developing feelings.... I know that.... But, who can tell where things will lead in this area or in the north country....

I'm absolutely blown away by all this.... completely....

Intuitive session

Went to my intuitive counselor again. What a warm, wonderful talent she is. And so beautiful --0 it is really difficult for me to leave that aside.... sigh....

Anyway, the crux of the reading was this.

M is continuing to try and suck energy, however she can. She needs an energy source, and I've been it. Wants me to try and have NO energetic connection with her for a solid week.

I need to cease allowing any connection especially on an energetic level. Close it. Lock it. Bar her. Visualization....

I've already begun to apply the advice, visualizing a vault door cracked open and leaking light / energy. I close it and lock it. It drifts open sometimes, and I do it again. I also am regularly visualizing the Enterprise under attack and the photons bouncing off the shields. Even as I write this.

TV also told me to do more to protect myself on the energetic level -- that M poses some dangers to me. Suggested I invoke the protections of the 4 archangels each day.

She also says she believes M to be very unstable and not to trust her. She was a little concerned about physical or other dangers to me. Suggested when I mentioned it that I probably should file the PPO.

We also talked that she's likely already met another man... dark haired, curlier -- not so nice as me ultimately. Confirmed this with the use of a pendulum.

On a more positive note, we also talked about my future relationship(s). She said she sees me married again. This time rightly. To an equal. A whole lady. Dark haired, maybe 5ft 3 or so, maybe 130#.... Eventually I gave her enough info to let us both know she is likely describing LC.

Said I am proceeding perfectly. Slowly. Letting trust build. Forging strong links in a chain. Need to be careful not to short-circuit anything.

I mentioned LC's desire that I "see others", and TV said that's not going to last long. Seemed to think that in a couple weeks, LC will be much more serious, and far less interested in my seeing others.... TV got goosebumps twice during the session -- usually indicating that the point in question is exactly right. From TV's vantage, it appears that LC and I are going to develop into that great love each of us would like to have. Cool.

As usual, drew an Angel card:

DIVINE TIMING!!!

Yow.

Have to let pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Don't skip or rush or the whole plan will lack a solid foundation. Pay attention to doors that are opening and shutting. Walk through those that open. Don't try to force those that are shut.

Not much reason to post lately

Business as usual. Last Saturday was a PITA when I went to the house to fix the mower and mow-- that gave M far more opportunity to engage with me than I wanted to allow. Lots of whining about money and what she has to do and all that.

Mostly, though, the contact has been almost nonexistent. I told her last week I wouldn't take / return her calls, and to the maximum extent possible I'm trying to stick to that.

Last night after work, her son went with me to try to muck out more of the garage. That gave her some more chances to act out with me -- she got pretty nutty and nasty. Her son didn't much care for it, and it was not lost on him that I tended NOT to start any conversation or engage in unnecessary interaction, no matter how much she tried to provoke me with nasty cracks, accusations and remarks.

Anyway, my lack of availability, response and all that is what it is. Whether it drives her crazy is NOT my problem.

I am actively trying to "shut down" to her on all levels including the energetic level. I may have to stop journaling about her at all in order to keep her out of any thoughts....

Angel cards today

Well, on a more interesting and positive note, this a.m. I up and decided to draw an Angel oracle card. I thought I was doing it in regard to the later interaction with M.... but, actually, what I drew was the Soulmate card.... and I realized that might very well be related to my very good friend, LC, that I've made... for whom and from whom some interest seems to be really developing.

In fact, I scribbled a quick note that I had been trying to think of M as I drew, but realized that LC had been crossing my mind all morning.... so....

But, there is also a transitional aspect to the card's meaning.

It says, "your prayer for a soulmate relationship is answered..."

The explanation goes on to talk about desiring a partner with a similar philosophy and common interests.... a great love.... Yet, it also talks of "If you are in a current relationship, your angels ask you to release this partnership to them..... they can help you to gently end it so that your new love may appear.....

Very very interesting.

I also felt like I should draw another card. Again, trying to draw re: M. This time, Friendship. Again, a mixed message -- speaking a bit to both relationships.... "Changes in your friendship are occurring..... appreciate the healing benefits of a true friend." "Not only is your life changing on the inside, but on the outside as well." It goes on to speak of transition (M) and finally says, "This card also signifies that you are ready to receive new friendships with people who mirror your interests and ambitions."

Wow.

I really feel like this is speaking a great deal to the prospective new relationship with my now, very good friend LC.... while also acknowledging transitions.... again

Wow.

Today's coffee

was also predictable, as she chewed on me for several different things, starting with not understanding how I can expect to do much maintenance in a couple hours a week. I told her I don't expect to and there's not all that much that's vital.....

Other yadayada

The really interesting part, though, was when I tried to tell her the speech -- don't love you, won't engage in further communication.... etc, etc.... Her first response was "So, you are abdicating your interest in the joint property??!!" "No. I still have a business interest and property interest. "

Anyway, she went on, "So, you have a girlfriend already?? Dating?? " "No, and I'm not dating" "Oh, you're just horny".... "Nope."

Anyway, then she went on to get a smirky look on her face.... and said something like, "Well, I've been intending to stop all this nasty stuff and move on..... I'm ready...." And sort of had this cat that ate the canary look on her face.....

My guess is that she's got, or think's she's got, someone waiting in the wings....

NOW, interestingly, her son just called and said that in the call HE just had with her, she practically said so..... saying something to him like, "L isn't going to have anything to do with me anymore.... But, I'm not going to have an problem meeting someone.... Maybe I already have...."

And her son said her could just visualize that look on her face that I told him about....

I told him the only thing that will bother me is if she has someone move in with her in MY house..... He said that wouldn't fly with him, either..... and I suspect he'd lay into her over that one....

We'll see what we see!!

Interesting few days

M had me really upset and bothered when yesterday she invited me to go to coffee and maybe to a local play.... Bothered me lots to have to deal with the aftermath if I turn her down, etc, etc....

Anyway, I did agree to have the coffee, because there were some conversations that have been put off a bit... But, I stopped and talked to another friend (lady, acquaintance) for some advice.

She really tore into me. Insisted that by trying to be kind, I was actually being mean. As someone else had told me, she insisted I needed to tell her unambiguously that I don't love her anymore, that I don't want see her, or go places with her.... and that I am no longer going to take her calls or return her voicemails, etc, etc. Yes, again, the good old "no contact rule" so familiar to us in the online support group.....

Anyway, I pretty much made up my mind to tell her that very thing at today's coffee....

Weird mood

I have a friend whose wife is in worse shape than M by some -- BPD comorbid with paranoid schiz. Serious breaks with reality this week. Awful situation.

My friendship that had been deepening with a peer from a town about an hour away, appears to have to be backed off on.... she started with some none too subtle verbal signals a couple days ago. I was home late last night, so I didn't call her. I chose not to call her tonight in an attempt to honor her apparent need, as I read it, for some distancing.

And, I spent $60 or so at the strip club and met an extremely beautiful young woman. 27 or 28 y.o. Blend of Spanish and Asian / island features. Great personality. Smart. Interesting..... I actually ended up giving her my contact info with the idea being we might get together some noon hour for coffee.... she's a senior at the University that I work for.... I don't need to get into her pants (I'd like to, though -- she is stunning -- so to say otherwise is a lie).... I'd just enjoy her company.

Oh, and I was supposed to have gone to the house today to take care of some stuff, but M started acting out yesterday / last night and it seemed that I was NOT allowed / or to go out... Didn't get an answer to my phone call or a call back.... So, of course, I'm feeling a little guilty. A little bit concerned about "the price I'll have to pay", and all that.... AND have studiously ignored an impulse to at least run by the house to check on things.... at least from the road.
Stupid, stupid idea -- taking responsibility that isn't mine.... I've managed NOT to do so, though!!

One month anniversary

Says she. Probably true. Anniversary of when I left the household.

That and the rough conversation we had yesterday p.m. seemed to be something she has stewed about.... 'cause I got a nasty VM around 3 p.m. -- usual accusations of emotional abuse (I think she's defining not answering her calls as abusive....) and of blaming her for everything.... and on and on and ont.

then, an hour plus later, I get calls that I take and it's about "doing a walk through" on the yard work, etc, as well as the need to do some maintanence on the lawn tractor....

sigh...

Apologies?! Indeed!

Well, M called last night, no VM and I didn't call back. Called again early in the day today, which I did return. She said, "Well, I was more up for this last night.... Anyway, I apologize for Wednesday night...."

Then she wanted to get all in to how offended she was over the things my son had said to her and all that. I didn't give her much on that. I told her the cause was her nasty phone message left in the first place. Had that not been made, S would not have had any conversation with her at all, no matter who called whom.

She still insists HE called her, and left a nasty message.... I just told her that the call logs would tell me who called whom.....

Of course, by the time I was at work, she called to demand to know how to see those call logs. Told her they are NOT available to her. Period.

That's because giving her access to hers would give her access to mine and who I talk to and for how long is NONE of her business. Of course, I didn't tell her that. Just that I would not provide the access. Period.

M's contact with my son S

Well, based on the call I got from my son, S last night, and then after hearing M's anguished and angry messages that later resulted, here's what I think I know.
5
Sometime around 8:00 to 8:30 p.m. last night (Sept 5) M called my son in Raleigh NC. Left him a VM accusing him of participating in MY (her imagined) hiding of money.... etc, etc... and apparently went on to carry on about how she was going to SUE him, get his house, and throw him and his wife and daughter OUT ON THE STREET. S says the message was 5 minute 14 seconds in length.

He was very angry when I got a hold of me, but I calmed him by convincing him he had nothing to gain by interacting with a "crazy person". He agreed NOT to call her, but warned me that if she called HIM, he would be extremely nasty to her. Extremely.

Well, her later messages of the night indicated that she HAD heard from S and gotten an earful. She seemed to claim that he'd left a VM message for her saying that she was "a terrible person, a slut, a whore, a homewrecker and a drunk". She left some angry and offended messages for me, but before she was done, she left sobbing and anguished messages about how "I'm NOT all the things he said I am.... " Plainly he hurt her as he intended.

BUT, my real concern had to do with whether HE had called HER or vice versa.

I talked with him this evening, and ascertained the following (which can be proved out when I next get a Verizon billing.....

M called him roughly 8:00 or so last night. Left a brief VM.
S called back, her phone was off, and he left a brief return message along the lines of "got your call, calling you back" or something, maybe a little ornery, but not offering much reaction.

She shortly after called again -- that call went to VM, and is the 5:14 (length) call referenced above.

And, according to S, later in the evening (not sure of the time) she called him again. HE'D had 3 beers or so -- took the call -- and laid into her in the extremely nasty manner he said he would. Very hurtful, and intended to be so.

I regret that happened, but OTOH, she brought it on herself. She never should have called him in the first place. For any reason. Had she NOT called again into the night, the diatribe he engaged in would not have occurred.

And, frankly, after having his home and family outright threatened, he had a right to be angry.

I'm noting this because I need to check the logs when the bill comes.

Log of # of calls

OK, I listened to 2 or 3 voicemails from M early in the evening. She's since called incessantly from her cell and from home.

At this point:

22 calls from ~ 5:00 p until 10:500p -- at times, every few minutes..... Ring. VM, call back.

17 voicemails which I may not even listen to.

absolutely awful.

this has got to stop

More acting out and all that

This evening has been a lot of additional acting out and compulsive behaviors out of Marilyn. She's called my cell incessantly. Worse, she called my son in NC and left a very threatening voicemail:

Apparently referring to the proceeds from the sale of her home in our previous town, she asserted that I had apparently stolen or otherwise misappropriated the money... who knows how... and informed my son that she thinks he probably helped me with that AND that she and her volunteer lawyer would be suing me and him and HE and HIS wife and child would be losing their home and out on the streets....

Got him really upset.

He settled down when I told him that I had included a request to bar contact with my family in the pending Personal Protection Order.

Still, she's again gone way the hell out there. Bad, bad news.

Hardball time!