So, what shall I make of this. B popped up today. Called me about 3:00 -- beautiful day, just wanted to say hello, etc, etc.
It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....
I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!
Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Poverty, ha!
Well, M's sis called me last night to update me after having dinner with M. UNbelievable!! Some personal intrigue -- M talking about the recent wedding, and how the girl was some more or less shirt-tail relative... kinda.... but not a word about the BF. She also talked about heading up north to a little lake town and bar (but she stopped drinking!!?? supposedly. Ha! Fat chance!) Anyway, she enjoys dancing there, yadayada... again, NOT a word about the BF. Sis found that quite curious....
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
another round with M
Of course, I expected to get a reaction after sending back her car payment statement with a letter. Still takes a fair bit of energy out of me to deal with her sh**.
She carried on some more about settlement issues, but still doesn't offer any real settlement proposal.
Frustrating!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The crazy Ex
Meanwhile, shit with the crazy Ex popped back up with her crying poverty and claiming she couldn't afford her car payment. Horseshit. She didn't have a portion of the mortgage or rent to pay until July of this year. Where's her money go?? No excuses.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
Things further along with A2
Catching up!! Well, A2 and I spent quite a bit of time together the last few weeks when it was possible. She came up to my town for a mid-week meeting and stayed over last week Wed, then came back to go to a work party with me last Friday night and stayed. Then I headed her way for Saturday night and much of Sunday.... Before that, first weekend of the month, we got together on Saturday night and she tagged along with me to a family reunion on Sunday. She continues to struggle with her feelings (actually, I think the struggle regards accepting the fact that she's having love-like feelings.... she doesn't really know what to do with that aspect of herself...)
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
Monday, August 11, 2008
things with A2
are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
Letter to B
Well, a card and letter is in the mail. It took 3 rewrites to come close to what I wanted to say. I'm having an interesting reaction -- a little concerned about how B may react, or if I'll hurt her (although I was quite careful with my words), or if she'll feel blamed (again, same comment).
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
how to tell / convey
my concerns and regrets.... Email seems wrong, somehow. I think I will slide by B's place to check the addy and draw up a letter. Seems better. Why? Responding to a text message about how she's having a hard time finding her peace in the situation between us....
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
So what to tell B
Here's the issue I'm wrestling with. Having stepped back from the budding relationship with B, I was realizing I had fallen into some unhealthy patterns and responses... NEVER turning down and opportunity to get together (and we'd gotten so we spent almost every available non-work, waking moment together....) which was definitely approaching an unhealthy engulfment...
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
Break-ups and catching up
So, this should have been posted on 7/22/08, since the next day after that post I had a conversation with B where she said, "I need to step back from this relationship. I can't maintain my peace of mind. I'm not having fun.... etc".
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
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