Having to stop the direct contact for awhile

I don't want to, but I have to stop the regular contact with A2.

Last Sunday night she indicated she'll be up here on Friday, wanted to get together and "just talk". Bad idea.... That can only lead to more hurt feelings or issues.

She even went so far as to broach coming up on Thursday (to stay over with me) to better accommodate her need to see me and talk.... an even worse idea.

I've emailed her, regretfully trying to make it very clear that there isn't any going back... I'm moving on and moving forward.

The truth is, I don't have to and don't intend to cut off contact forever. Not like I had to with M. I don't feel abused, or feel like there is a lot of negative to make sure doesn't arise.... or pathology (well, other than A2's difficulty with deeper emotional connection).

I would tell her that, again, but now is not the time. Not while she continues to have hope of "putting things back together".

Better if I just fall silent with her for now.

It will be tough enough seeing one another at a meeting a week from Friday.... That is cause for a little trepidation. Not because something unpleasant may occur, but because it will still be a raw wound -- really, for both of us.

The various revelations

are continuing to rustle around in my head:

• That A2 was (probably) in love with me 2 years ago (and never said so in all these years)
• That she thought I was with my Ex last January when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway
• That she was ready to "jump the broom" practically (after dismissing constantly the idea of ever being married again all the time previously) after getting the (inexpensive) jewelry I gave her for her b-day
• That she began to refer to us as "significant others" but without ever an expression of love.
• That my intuition about her feelings was right, right from the start.
• That she had such feelings without ever actually revealing them outright.

It is truly a tragicomedy.

and what I finally emailed to A2

subject: thoughts before tomorrow

You mentioned your sessions that you have set up with Nina. Here are some thoughts from my perspective that you can feel free to share (or pass this message on to her, if you like).

First, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I'm too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.

(and just so it's clear, I don't intend to accommodate your request to "get together and talk" while you're in this area. It would not be appropriate, and I do not want to give any more mis-impressions than have already occurred. In fact, I'm pretty much feeling like my periodic calls keep giving you false hope of rekindling things / repairing things "soon". I don't want to give you any such impression.)

I've struggled since Sunday night after our conversation with what more I should say and how.

A few impressions and observations:

over the course of our involvement, we went from friends, to good friends, to lovers (but not "in love" in the traditional way or by words expressed) or "friends with benefits", and earlier this year, you even began to refer to me outright as "my significant other". You referred to me in that way without ever professing deeper feelings (love). To the contrary, you kept me at an emotional arms-length, with statements like “it will be a LONG time before you'll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth. " ( Valentine's weekend this year,). Or, being scared / fearful when you thought I was saying, about to say, implying or getting close to saying "I love you", even with relatively safe statements like, “you know I love how you are” And you reacted with near-panic.

This spring, it became painfully clear to me that true, deep emotional connection and intimacy was unlikely with you unless you did a lot of work to resolve inner issues in that regard...

I began to consciously move on emotionally (within) after taking stock and after reading an article about what makes a man fall in love. The article, together with some of your fearful reactions to the idea of being "in love" caused me to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn't any deep sharing of emotions between us - and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.

And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn't think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I consciously opened up to another involvement. As that began to flower, I made a difficult decision to reduce our involvement strictly to friendship. And, Linda, that's where it has to be. I'm headed down another road. You have ambitions to pursue. This is not "our time".


I also have to say that I was truly, truly stunned to find out Sunday night that back in late January you actually thought I was with ME, my truly crazy Ex. I'm utterly flabbergasted that after knowing how far I had to come to end that relationship, and how utterly I had to cut off contact because of the craziness and crazy-making... despite knowing all that, and being there for me as I healed from that for nearly 1 1/2 years.... you thought I had reconciled with her and was entertaining her at my home.

I'm not offended, or hurt... just simply quite stunned at the revelation and the lack of understanding of me in deeper terms.

I wish you all the best in all your endeavors, and I will support you in every way that I can. But I have to be clear that I have moved on.

a little more

As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.

And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.



Basically kept me at “arms-length” in regard to deeper emotional intimacy

Began to broach the idea of being “significant other” without it seemingly meaning either exclusive involvement or partnership.

Later, began to outright refer to me as your significant other but never professing actually loving me. Which seemed odd….and added support to my supposition that it was too difficult for you to become truly, deeply emotionally involved….

Basically, on an emotional level, your words always kept it at a superficial level, not intimate.

Even over Valentine’s weekend this year, you stated “it will be a LONG time before you’ll hear the “L” word come out of MY mouth.

I began to consciously move on after taking stock it seemed very apparent last Spring that “love” still scared you. As I’ve told you, I have memory of at least a couple of time using the word “love” in a sentence, and the sentence was not “I love you”… more like, “you know I love how you are” or “you know I love you as you are”, that sort of thing. And you reacted with near-panic.

I also came across an article in mid-May that helped me to assess things a bit further – to examine what existed between us and understand that there really wasn’t any sharing of emotions between us – and without that, we were not truly emotionally intimate and would not be becoming so.

And, as summer began, I had come to realize that my own feelings for you were deep friendship and deeper affection, but that I was not “in love” and didn’t think that was any mutual prospect for the foreseeable future. By mid-late summer, I opened up to another involvement (actually, rekindled the old one from earlier in the year).

trying to sort thoughts out before A2's therapy session tomorrow

pages, mind dumping, sorting thoughts,

A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.

And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.

Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.

As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.

And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.

So, history and observations to share…

Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.

Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).

Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.

Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…

So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.

Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:

Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".

That was a surprise.

She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.

I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.


Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.

Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.

"Anniversary" per A2

First, I should say that B and I are getting along beautifully well. Establishing the terms of our relationship. Getting together regularly. Taking appropriate time outs. Generally seems happy and healthy between us.

A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.

The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.

Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.

She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.

Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.

Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.

I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.

I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...

But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....

So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)

Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.

I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....

She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....

I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.

I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....

Nuff said about that for now, though.

another amusing musing

Then there was the beer. "Did you find your beer? No other man has been here drinking your beer."

Poor thing. Only doubtful in love....

A few musings

and remembrances from the weekend....

I think I was the only man in A2's relationship life that ever treated her entirely well. For instance, I came across a very nice microwave oven last month. Much nicer than hers, at a garage sale. Paid $5 for it and insisted she take it in trade for a small, crappy one she had (which I took to my office).

She still comments about how no one ever treated her so nicely as I have.

A relatively inexpensive and innocuous birthday gift had a lot of meaning for her. I think perhaps no one has given her much jewelry in the past, unless it was related to "playing" her or getting a bit more serious.....

I paid maybe $25 for a semi-precious stone birthstone necklace. Just a small ruby set in silverplate. I picked it up at a craft show and thought it would be a nice, inexpensive gift.... which I gave her on her birthday.....

Well, she surprised the absolute hell out of me when one of the things she told me was that she almost told me at the time that she loved me and if that jewelry was intended to be "marital jewelry, the answer is 'yes'."

That just about blew me away.... Here I've been moving toward less involvement, disengaging and detaching.... and she was suddenly surprisingly ready to "jump the broom".

What in the world do you do with THAT kind of information??!! Going from not even being able to hear the word "love" in a sentence without reacting violently against it, never hinting at the full feeling being there.... to declaring love, over and over and as much as saying she was ready to marry!!

I can only shake my head almost in disbelief.... Wow.

Song: "Good night and thank you" from Evita. An irony

Irony upon irony upon irony commencing Saturday night and Sunday morning.

One irony was that A2 had just Saturday over the course of visiting with her long time friends told them that "I love him". And, they asked if she had EVER told me about her feelings. Of course, she had to tell them no... and then, when I dropped the bombshell on her Saturday night..... It was quite the irony.

Music and serendipity came into play, too.

With my intentions toward what had to happen with A2 clear in my mind and heart, the referenced song ran through my head, with its chorus:

Oh but it's sad when a love affair dies
But we have pretended enough
It's best that we both stop fooling ourselves

and variations thereof.... Just seemed fitting.

So I downloaded it, added it to my "Recently downloaded" playlist and "shuffled" that list to play as I'm driving down to see A2 FTF, in part to help her with her visiting hospitalized friends, and in part to finish that which needed to be done FTF.

So, after driving roughly 68 of the 72 miles.... what song begins to play? Yes, the very one.

The irony as I drove up her street with the final choruses of that song playing was very, very thick. I was really quite struck by the serendipity. Quite.

One key similarity to M

On my morning walk, I realized there is a key similarity with the relationship with A2 and that with M:

In both cases, I was meeting more of the partner's needs, than she of mine.

Now, in M's case, the needs I was meeting were in part quite pathological and related to her illness and my tendency to "caretake".

In A2's case, it's a bit different.... hard to define. She needs an anchor relationship, but with soft hands emotionally.... She's not very in touch with her own emotional needs. And, frankly, the physical distance I think worked for quite a while because of the way it introduced an element of "arms-length" to the relationship. In other words, since she finds it alarming to be "too close", the lack of proximity worked for that.

On the other hand, I need to feel strongly connected emotionally, but without the neediness and pathologies of the past.

UNlike M

At least there's this. UNlike M, I don't feel like I need to make a break with any FUTURE connection or possibilities.

There is a lot good about A2 and what we've had together. And, I won't set aside a possibility that we may one day come together in that "soul mate" way she things she's found with me. But, now is not the time.

But, as I said, with M the pathology and the lack of progress in her recovery from BPD made it absolutely necessary to break, break completely and forever.

For ME, that's not the case with A2. We'll see how she feels about a less "tight" relationship continuing hence. I don't have control over that. Although, I expect she'll need some recovery and adjustment time.

If only

she had said something last Spring when first she "realized" or actually "fell" in love....

Perhaps I would not have been open to renewing my former relationship with B.

I don't know, though. But perhaps.

Still, it's just as well. The factors and concerns that brought me to making this move are independent of things with B. I think I first began to entertain the need to "dial it down" when A2 started sounding increasingly serious about running for statewide president. As I contemplated that, I could see a future where instead of the hassle of a 75 minute commute to see each other, there's be a parsity of quality time together. The job she's going after can be very, very taxing. I think she'll need her friends (including me) to help support her.... but I am hard pressed that she could sustain HER side of a true relationship while serving in that capacity.

So, it's as well to get this change made now.... Nuff said.

and her plan

and, I can't say I'm surprised... but last night another one of the "secrets" that came out was her apparently recent decision to run. "I wanted you to be the first to know and I was going to tell you when you came down here. I bought champagne and caviar and really wanted to celebrate."

Wow.

She always has treated me well for food and drink and such.... But, still....

I was not going to say anything about how I thought the race and the service if elected would affect things. And, I likely will not.

Still, one of the things she was "going to do" was announce to all our leadership colleagues that we were a couple; quite in love with each other" etc, etc, at next month's meeting.

That would be political mistake in my opinion... so in the sense of her statewide political agenda, my desire to shift the basis of our relationship serves her better than she knows.

Note, she was going to announce a WE love each other because, as she said, she had thought that's where I was at... and only now had come to a point of admitting her own.

Now she's hurting because she realizes there is a too little / too late or a day late and a dollar short aspect of the situation....

and a future that seemed troubling to me too

And then there's the politics with the statewide organization.

I haven't said a thing about this, but have felt that if A2 decided to run for state-wide president, that was all the more reason to step back from the deeply personal. I'm not likely to be happy being the "Norm in the background" like the current president has with her hubby.

To put it another way, A2 would need to spend so much time campaigning and then in service, that I don't see where it would leave much for an "us".

Seems a little harsh. But there it is. Perhaps, she'd keep a place up in my area as well, since I live in the same town as the headquarters. And perhaps that would result in some other / more opportunity to get together.... But, right now I just think it would make it even more difficult to sustain a relationship. And, it most certainly would give her lots of other places to focus her attention other than on an "us".

And, quite frankly, I don't think she's going to be very happy in the role if she is elected. For all her brashness, she's not that big on constantly working people and being "on". She thinks she is. But it wears and wearies her.

That's what I think, anyway, FWIW

A little over the top

Nearly 15 texts, 6 or 8 emails....

I can't say that I'm surprised. Now that A2 has professed love for me, she's done so over and over and over in message after message after text after text. She really wants to come this way (or I may go hers) to do what? Some of the last things one does?? Try and salvage things? What....?

But here's the thing. When I could have fallen in love with her, she couldn't with me, or at least, couldn't face and express those feelings.

In fact, it wasn't that long ago, this winter I think, when I made idle statements that she started to interpret as "I love you" statements. Statements that were more expression of affection, acknowledgement of the deep love between good / best friends.

and it scared the HELL out of her. If she thought I was even remotely going to touch those words, she'd react, almost to the point of clapping her hands over her ears to not hear me.

I think that's when I knew it was time to rethink where things were going, or could. Other factors were involved, but that was a big one. After all the time, and plainly great connection and deep friendship (that I hope abides).... to be scared, SCARED that I might express LOVE to her.... that came to be too much. Too clear that her emotional intimacy issues need some solid work.

Other things niggled, but were less of a triggering factor. She's not very affectionate. Likes an occasional private hug, to greet, leave, etc. Not much for kissing (blames MY breathe -- coffee/beer -- but even good thorough mouth cleansing didn't make much dent in the lack of kissing stuff). She's very dim on public display like holding hands, or arms around, etc.

And, she's really a bit narcissistic. A 30 minute phone conversation will be no more than 5 minutes of words from me (I know I can be taciturn, but really). She can go on and on about what's on her mind or the latest intrigue in her unit or with the state affiliate. Never much about feelings or personal topics, unless you include the worry over some temporarily infirm friends that she's worried about and visiting regularly.

Last thing that strikes me is her most annoying tendency to give advice when none is asked for. Often with the poisonness words, "You should..." It's a communication style more typical of a man. Anyway, being an extrovert, I like to talk about concerns and issues out loud to help sort and talk them through. But, I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I usually just sloughed it off. But, it was / is an annoyance.

the incessance

In contrast to the way B simply "walked away" at the time and left things be and let go....

A2 is doing the incessant call / text message thing tonight. Not surprised.

I may go her way tomorrow to finish talking things through. We'll see.

A fine mess

I've told A2 that I need to move us to a friendship footing... which of course led to having to elaborate. I kind of expected that if I started into the matter on the phone, she'd want to hear the whole horror.

I tried to keep it pretty simple. Simply told her that we were in different places; that she'd seemed to think we were "exclusive" and "significant others"... but that I wasn't and hadn't been in that place. She pushed for more, and all the more real info I would give her was that "I've met someone in this area that I'm very interested in and I want to see where it goes."

Then, she dropped the "L" bomb... and told me (quite too late, now) that "I love you". Says she realized it at my last concert.... nearly told me at a business event.... and had been planning to let me, and all our friends and leadership peers know at the next meeting of our Board, in October.

She admitted she had not been "brave enough" to say so until now.

It's exactly what I was afraid of, and frankly, how I was reading the situation. But, I'd not gotten to my place without a lot of thought and deliberation.

I know I'm not in love with her. I'm fairly certain I'm in love with B, though. With A2, the feelings haven't gone beyond strong friendship for my part. And, frankly, I know that once getting to that point of realization, it might be cruel to "lead her on" in some way, as if I felt more strongly.

But, I'm firm in my resolve. I may go and visit to wrap stuff up and do the march we're supposed to do. But, I'm firm that I need to dial down A2, and "clear the decks" to see what develops with B.

That's part of what I did last February in breaking off with B; making room for me and A2 to become all that we were going to.... For me, it's not "in love". It's simply great, strong affection for a wonderful friend. I deeply care about her. But I'm not in love with her.

I hope all this doesn't break her heart for all time, and there's part of me that thinks a future could, at some point, develop there. It's not a strong possibility. But, still strikes me.

The limitations A2 has on her ability to display affection and move into deeper intimacy are a pretty severe detriment, though.

My head hurts a bit from the angst and difficulty of having such conversation. Time for bed in a moment.

It has come to the time

to try, try, try to move A2 to friendship footing. I hope it can be done without too much hurt or without losing the friendship completely.

But the fact is, I'm not in love with her. Didn't fall in love with her.... and when feelings might have approached that, she was unable to cross the line anyway. There are numerous ways in which as a "relationship" possibility, that situation falls short. Commuter relationship. Lack of displayed affection. Inability to actually "love".....

Plus, I'm pretty much in love with B. Let her back in my life, and tumbled quickly into love. Or so it feels... and it's scary. "Loving" was not kind to me with M. I'm not altogether certain I am healed enough to truly love and have it last. But, it looks like I'm going to travel that road for awhile with B. As they say, a person comes into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Time will tell.