A fine mess

I've told A2 that I need to move us to a friendship footing... which of course led to having to elaborate. I kind of expected that if I started into the matter on the phone, she'd want to hear the whole horror.

I tried to keep it pretty simple. Simply told her that we were in different places; that she'd seemed to think we were "exclusive" and "significant others"... but that I wasn't and hadn't been in that place. She pushed for more, and all the more real info I would give her was that "I've met someone in this area that I'm very interested in and I want to see where it goes."

Then, she dropped the "L" bomb... and told me (quite too late, now) that "I love you". Says she realized it at my last concert.... nearly told me at a business event.... and had been planning to let me, and all our friends and leadership peers know at the next meeting of our Board, in October.

She admitted she had not been "brave enough" to say so until now.

It's exactly what I was afraid of, and frankly, how I was reading the situation. But, I'd not gotten to my place without a lot of thought and deliberation.

I know I'm not in love with her. I'm fairly certain I'm in love with B, though. With A2, the feelings haven't gone beyond strong friendship for my part. And, frankly, I know that once getting to that point of realization, it might be cruel to "lead her on" in some way, as if I felt more strongly.

But, I'm firm in my resolve. I may go and visit to wrap stuff up and do the march we're supposed to do. But, I'm firm that I need to dial down A2, and "clear the decks" to see what develops with B.

That's part of what I did last February in breaking off with B; making room for me and A2 to become all that we were going to.... For me, it's not "in love". It's simply great, strong affection for a wonderful friend. I deeply care about her. But I'm not in love with her.

I hope all this doesn't break her heart for all time, and there's part of me that thinks a future could, at some point, develop there. It's not a strong possibility. But, still strikes me.

The limitations A2 has on her ability to display affection and move into deeper intimacy are a pretty severe detriment, though.

My head hurts a bit from the angst and difficulty of having such conversation. Time for bed in a moment.