"Anniversary" per A2

First, I should say that B and I are getting along beautifully well. Establishing the terms of our relationship. Getting together regularly. Taking appropriate time outs. Generally seems happy and healthy between us.

A2 continues to have a hard time letting go and moving on. She had a "confession" to make today, and I had a chance to call her per her request.

The "confession" was that it was 2 years ago today (Sunday-wise) that she invited me to her house for brunch and to visit and move things to a bit deeper level between us. Reviewing my journal, I see it was a nice day and I was "tempted to be ungentlemanly" but that I stayed to the courtesies and left at the end of the day.

Well, for her, it turns out that (as I suspected at the time -- again reflected in my journal) that she was completely UNnerved at the prospect of heading down another relationship road. She was so nervous that she threw up in the a.m. before I got there and had severe butterflies and trepidation.

She apparently emailed this "confession" to her therapist, whom she has FINALLY resumed seeing. Her therapist told her she really needed to share this info with me before her session coming up this Wed.

Well, in tonight's conversation with her, a lot came out that was hidden from me before. First and foremost (and not so hidden) she would most certainly like another shot at making things work with "us". But, I'm not there. I'm moving on and I told her that. She isn't hearing it very well, but I told her.

Anyway, apparently, she realizes now, and may have at the time, that she was probably pretty well in love with me at 2 years ago. She was fearful and cautious because she thought it was just a matter of time before I'd reconcile and go back to M. So, she didn't voice her feelings or let them be known.

I was cautious because I wanted to be careful about the "rebound" stuff. So, I recall not pushing things at all.

I can't say that she had a lot of explanation for the continued fears and reticence nearly a year after that point...

But, here's an stunner... On Jan 26, 2009 when she unexpectedly found another car in my driveway, she THOUGHT it was M's!! Despite knowing me for over a year, nearly a year and a half, and knowing that I had really had to move myself a long way to leave and could never go back unless I was as crazy as M.... Despite knowing all that, she thought I'd reconciled with M and A2 would be left in the cold....

So, that was yet more excuse, despite my clear commitment to her in the aftermath to end it with this "other woman" (which I chose; it wasn't a demand).... she still didn't confess any love for me (or allow that such expressions from me might be welcome....)

Now she's wanting to talk again FTF late this week when she will be in the area. I told her I'd think about it... but there's no reason to do so. Frankly, it's inappropriate.

I really am completely blown away about her suppositions re: M both in the beginning, and then yet again this year....

She's got more issues to deal with in therapy than she really realizes....

I tried to tell her firmly that I have moved on and that there isn't any going back and trying again. She seems unconvinced.

I may have to simply tell her outright that I love another woman. Might get my heart broken again. But, I love B and I need to let it work out as it will. It may be that the only way A2 is going to get closure is for me to strike that crueler blow of just telling her that I am not in love with her and I am in love with another....

Nuff said about that for now, though.