In a different subject - while I am sworn to fidelity and won't violate that commitment, I find myself mulling over the light, quick interactions I keep having with a pretty young lady in my singing group - chorale.
I think I figured out last year that C is younger than 30, so really, she's too too young... but it's a tempting thought.
I keep feeling like she's lightly flirting with me and showing interest.
I've not been good about picking up such signals in the past - or to be more accurate - have usually been in a primary relationship and chosen to ignore them if I do sense them.....
Maybe I'm vulnerable because of the continuing periodic crises of confidence between B and me....
But, there is a part of me that is just a little tempted to end what's not working and see what might work out with a pretty, and I think well adjusted young woman....
Wouldn't my oldest boy just crap!!
He says the "rule is you can't date women younger than me" and he's what, 36 now.....
Good advice. I do find the proposition of dating someone roughly half my age to be, as my therapist said, a bit tawdry....
But still, the interest being shown..... Just a thought.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Myriad thoughts
I don't know. More and more it seems like maybe B is her own kind of crazy and maybe I'm unwise to keep toughing this out when it keeps trying to implode, relationship-wise.
Last night, AGAIN, out of the blue I get accused of probably having an affair. Of being unfaithful. I kept my cool, but still got very very aggravated. She comes up with, "What are you up to tomorrow?" Me, "Just working". "No meetings", "nope not really"..... "Not meeting someone? And I mean, another woman?" "No! Where in the world is this coming from again?"
She wouldn't really say. I have a guess - there's a vague text message on my phone from just a phone number (not a contact) about calling to meet tomorrow. I'm guessing she peeked at that. Never mind that that was the most recent in a series of messages related to a screwed up transaction I made when selling a router to a local college girl. Totally innocent and nothing to be made of at all.
Very aggravating.
The plain fact of the matter is, B's anxieties and misplaced suspicions are destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I suspect most of it is rooted in 1) childhood and previous relationships 2) the fact that she and I were not exclusive at first and she's still uncertain whether I play around and 3) the suspicions her mother put into her head about me at the very beginning.
That which is good about the relationship, I hate to lose. She's very loving most of the time. Her psychic interactions, her faie nature, and her natural talent for energetic healing are all things I would miss.....
But if we can't get a whole lot healthier within this relationship and soon, it's probably time to move on.
I resist that in part because I fear my own future health - dementia - and I think she'd be a good and loving caregiver. I wonder about finding another, even though I show little sign as yet that can be differentiated from simply being a 55 y.o. man....
Sigh. I just don't know..... and sometimes I am afraid to ask those whose counsel I could ask....
Last night, AGAIN, out of the blue I get accused of probably having an affair. Of being unfaithful. I kept my cool, but still got very very aggravated. She comes up with, "What are you up to tomorrow?" Me, "Just working". "No meetings", "nope not really"..... "Not meeting someone? And I mean, another woman?" "No! Where in the world is this coming from again?"
She wouldn't really say. I have a guess - there's a vague text message on my phone from just a phone number (not a contact) about calling to meet tomorrow. I'm guessing she peeked at that. Never mind that that was the most recent in a series of messages related to a screwed up transaction I made when selling a router to a local college girl. Totally innocent and nothing to be made of at all.
Very aggravating.
The plain fact of the matter is, B's anxieties and misplaced suspicions are destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I suspect most of it is rooted in 1) childhood and previous relationships 2) the fact that she and I were not exclusive at first and she's still uncertain whether I play around and 3) the suspicions her mother put into her head about me at the very beginning.
That which is good about the relationship, I hate to lose. She's very loving most of the time. Her psychic interactions, her faie nature, and her natural talent for energetic healing are all things I would miss.....
But if we can't get a whole lot healthier within this relationship and soon, it's probably time to move on.
I resist that in part because I fear my own future health - dementia - and I think she'd be a good and loving caregiver. I wonder about finding another, even though I show little sign as yet that can be differentiated from simply being a 55 y.o. man....
Sigh. I just don't know..... and sometimes I am afraid to ask those whose counsel I could ask....
Friday, September 2, 2011
Plusses and minuses and fears
So, when it comes to staying in a relationship, there are plusses, minuses, and for me - with a strong probability of dementia issues in my future - a dollop of fear for the long term.
So with B - plusses
Much of the time she treats me well, used to give my body a lot of massages, less so now. Good lover, likes outdoor sex, maybe even a slight bit of kink to be had with her. She's good looking for 61 yo. Much of the time quite mentally healthy. Seems mostly physically so. Fun girl when she's in her faie mood. Sexually well adjusted, if not completely so emotionally. Seems to have become as comfortable providing a complete BJ as having intercourse - usually due to her "equipment" not being up to the latter.
Downside - she has more than a few BPD tendencies which in turn remind me a bit much of times with M. Her temper can be unpredictable - although not so volatile as M was. She's just as insomniac as M was - maybe worse.... she's walking on eggshells and being inordinately careful with interacting with me a lot - she doesn't take the least bit of pique or irritation on my part at all well (leftover from her childhood I'm sure). And she is as poor as a church mouse. Her income stream is unsteady at best. She would tend to be more of an economic liability or drag than an asset.
OTOH, I think if I were to become stricken she would be very dedicated to my well being and welfare.
on the physical side - I get concerned because she is not very active....
also, while she doesn't look her age, I look younger than mine by nearly 10 years I think. She shows many signs of her age.... and sometimes I can't help but think about life with someone who is and looks younger....
OTOH, who wants to go back through the awful process of trying to find a "someone".
I'd be pretty much inclined to take a year or better off from dating and looking I think for the most part. Right now my libido has become low enough that I'm not sure I'd even be interested in a casual fuck or fuck buddy....
Mostly I lean toward continuing to work this out.... but more and more I'm feeling like that may be impossible....
Guess we will see.
So with B - plusses
Much of the time she treats me well, used to give my body a lot of massages, less so now. Good lover, likes outdoor sex, maybe even a slight bit of kink to be had with her. She's good looking for 61 yo. Much of the time quite mentally healthy. Seems mostly physically so. Fun girl when she's in her faie mood. Sexually well adjusted, if not completely so emotionally. Seems to have become as comfortable providing a complete BJ as having intercourse - usually due to her "equipment" not being up to the latter.
Downside - she has more than a few BPD tendencies which in turn remind me a bit much of times with M. Her temper can be unpredictable - although not so volatile as M was. She's just as insomniac as M was - maybe worse.... she's walking on eggshells and being inordinately careful with interacting with me a lot - she doesn't take the least bit of pique or irritation on my part at all well (leftover from her childhood I'm sure). And she is as poor as a church mouse. Her income stream is unsteady at best. She would tend to be more of an economic liability or drag than an asset.
OTOH, I think if I were to become stricken she would be very dedicated to my well being and welfare.
on the physical side - I get concerned because she is not very active....
also, while she doesn't look her age, I look younger than mine by nearly 10 years I think. She shows many signs of her age.... and sometimes I can't help but think about life with someone who is and looks younger....
OTOH, who wants to go back through the awful process of trying to find a "someone".
I'd be pretty much inclined to take a year or better off from dating and looking I think for the most part. Right now my libido has become low enough that I'm not sure I'd even be interested in a casual fuck or fuck buddy....
Mostly I lean toward continuing to work this out.... but more and more I'm feeling like that may be impossible....
Guess we will see.
Anniversary weekend
So, my "anniversary" weekend with B is Labor Day weekend - she reminded me of that sometime ago during a negative interaction (I recollected the date of my actual and only marriage, but "not of OUR anniversary".
I was trying to feel good about it, but instead find myself feeling a little down and bothered about things.
It goes to B's infernal tendency to have a "suspicious mind" when I have unexpected time off or at home. AND the fact that even 2 years later, she still hasn't been able to shake the anxiety that I may be playing around on the side (I am not) or that that the relationship won't last (that's true - with these negative thought patterns and factors that keep coming in to play).
I'm not by any means looking to get out. In many ways she treats me well. But the less healthy parts of her are excrutiating for me.
Like last night on our way to have dinner/drinks. I mentioned that all of us at the office were supposed to "work from home" today to test telecommuting in an emergency or disaster recovery situation. I also asked what her schedule was like. It was palpable as her suspicions arose. "Why are you asking about my schedule??" she said with some odd note to her voice (which I interpret as suspicion). I explained that I simply wondered if she might be around, or was trying make her aware that I might be around the house some or all of the day. Eventually she relaxed and seemed to accept what I told her.
But today when we talked briefly on the phone, after I'd had to go ahead and report physically to the office after all, she sounded odd to me again. Like she was being careful or was still suspicious or concerned or I don't know what. It really causes me consternation - kicks up my PTSD and all that.
It is very frustrating. I truly do not do anything that I can accept as being even slightly suspicious. I don't maintain a singles site membership or anything like that. I don't flirt to speak of. I try to be very careful of her feelings and potential hurt feelings and reactions (which is WAY too much like I used to have to do with M.
I feel like we're a bit hung up in a ditch that is not of my digging..... I truly wish she could deal with this side of her psyche - the better to give us a long term chance. But I just don't know.
I was trying to feel good about it, but instead find myself feeling a little down and bothered about things.
It goes to B's infernal tendency to have a "suspicious mind" when I have unexpected time off or at home. AND the fact that even 2 years later, she still hasn't been able to shake the anxiety that I may be playing around on the side (I am not) or that that the relationship won't last (that's true - with these negative thought patterns and factors that keep coming in to play).
I'm not by any means looking to get out. In many ways she treats me well. But the less healthy parts of her are excrutiating for me.
Like last night on our way to have dinner/drinks. I mentioned that all of us at the office were supposed to "work from home" today to test telecommuting in an emergency or disaster recovery situation. I also asked what her schedule was like. It was palpable as her suspicions arose. "Why are you asking about my schedule??" she said with some odd note to her voice (which I interpret as suspicion). I explained that I simply wondered if she might be around, or was trying make her aware that I might be around the house some or all of the day. Eventually she relaxed and seemed to accept what I told her.
But today when we talked briefly on the phone, after I'd had to go ahead and report physically to the office after all, she sounded odd to me again. Like she was being careful or was still suspicious or concerned or I don't know what. It really causes me consternation - kicks up my PTSD and all that.
It is very frustrating. I truly do not do anything that I can accept as being even slightly suspicious. I don't maintain a singles site membership or anything like that. I don't flirt to speak of. I try to be very careful of her feelings and potential hurt feelings and reactions (which is WAY too much like I used to have to do with M.
I feel like we're a bit hung up in a ditch that is not of my digging..... I truly wish she could deal with this side of her psyche - the better to give us a long term chance. But I just don't know.
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