Myriad thoughts

I don't know. More and more it seems like maybe B is her own kind of crazy and maybe I'm unwise to keep toughing this out when it keeps trying to implode, relationship-wise.

Last night, AGAIN, out of the blue I get accused of probably having an affair. Of being unfaithful. I kept my cool, but still got very very aggravated. She comes up with, "What are you up to tomorrow?" Me, "Just working". "No meetings", "nope not really"..... "Not meeting someone? And I mean, another woman?" "No! Where in the world is this coming from again?"

She wouldn't really say. I have a guess - there's a vague text message on my phone from just a phone number (not a contact) about calling to meet tomorrow. I'm guessing she peeked at that. Never mind that that was the most recent in a series of messages related to a screwed up transaction I made when selling a router to a local college girl. Totally innocent and nothing to be made of at all.

Very aggravating.

The plain fact of the matter is, B's anxieties and misplaced suspicions are destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I suspect most of it is rooted in 1) childhood and previous relationships 2) the fact that she and I were not exclusive at first and she's still uncertain whether I play around and 3) the suspicions her mother put into her head about me at the very beginning.

That which is good about the relationship, I hate to lose. She's very loving most of the time. Her psychic interactions, her faie nature, and her natural talent for energetic healing are all things I would miss.....

But if we can't get a whole lot healthier within this relationship and soon, it's probably time to move on.

I resist that in part because I fear my own future health - dementia - and I think she'd be a good and loving caregiver. I wonder about finding another, even though I show little sign as yet that can be differentiated from simply being a 55 y.o. man....

Sigh. I just don't know..... and sometimes I am afraid to ask those whose counsel I could ask....