Anniversary weekend

So, my "anniversary" weekend with B is Labor Day weekend - she reminded me of that sometime ago during a negative interaction (I recollected the date of my actual and only marriage, but "not of OUR anniversary".

I was trying to feel good about it, but instead find myself feeling a little down and bothered about things.

It goes to B's infernal tendency to have a "suspicious mind" when I have unexpected time off or at home. AND the fact that even 2 years later, she still hasn't been able to shake the anxiety that I may be playing around on the side (I am not) or that that the relationship won't last (that's true - with these negative thought patterns and factors that keep coming in to play).

I'm not by any means looking to get out. In many ways she treats me well. But the less healthy parts of her are excrutiating for me.

Like last night on our way to have dinner/drinks. I mentioned that all of us at the office were supposed to "work from home" today to test telecommuting in an emergency or disaster recovery situation. I also asked what her schedule was like. It was palpable as her suspicions arose. "Why are you asking about my schedule??" she said with some odd note to her voice (which I interpret as suspicion). I explained that I simply wondered if she might be around, or was trying make her aware that I might be around the house some or all of the day. Eventually she relaxed and seemed to accept what I told her.

But today when we talked briefly on the phone, after I'd had to go ahead and report physically to the office after all, she sounded odd to me again. Like she was being careful or was still suspicious or concerned or I don't know what. It really causes me consternation - kicks up my PTSD and all that.

It is very frustrating. I truly do not do anything that I can accept as being even slightly suspicious. I don't maintain a singles site membership or anything like that. I don't flirt to speak of. I try to be very careful of her feelings and potential hurt feelings and reactions (which is WAY too much like I used to have to do with M.

I feel like we're a bit hung up in a ditch that is not of my digging..... I truly wish she could deal with this side of her psyche - the better to give us a long term chance. But I just don't know.