I ended my first love affair last friday -- the day before V day!! I didn't intend the timing, but B posed questions that led inevitably to conversation that effectively, but without hostility, ended that love affair.
I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....
She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.
Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.
Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....
Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A2 closer than ever
So, especially considering I had ceased the "torn between two" situation... and that I'd already pretty much made up my mind that A2 was the more important relationship to me....
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....
While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."
One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".
It also became clear that she was feeling closer....
My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."
An eventful weekend
Friday, day before Valentine's day, B here in town and talked on the phone a couple times, noon, and roughly 4:00. Long story short, it was our break-up conversation(s).
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."
Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....
Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....
She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.
Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...
6 word memoir
Lots to post, but for now, I just want to do my own 6 word memoir of love and heartbreak (NPR) inspired by Smithmag).
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.
Mine:
I erred in love never again
seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bad moon rising
wow.... A2 caught me with B last thursday. Past few days resolved well, though, between me and A2.
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
Just recording a quick note about it....
and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....
Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.
The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.
Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Flying by each other I guess
Well, the first difficult conversation occurred over the last half hour or so.
From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.
That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.
A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.
She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....
Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.
But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....
So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.
Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...
She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.
We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....
But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....
From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.
That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.
A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.
She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....
Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.
But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....
So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.
Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...
She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.
We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....
But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....
Busted? Likely
Well, talk about awkward. A2 stopped at my house this a.m. at 9:30, somewhat unexpectedly. I expected her to stop by sometime this afternoon or evening maybe. But not this a.m.. and, as luck would have it, B's car was in the driveway with my truck. I got 3 very perplexed voicemails.
It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.
I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.
Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:
A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!
Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:
Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009
It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.
I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.
Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:
A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!
Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:
Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009
Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
dream notes
Interesting dream just this a.m.... I meant to let it continue, but something woke me.
Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.
As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s
Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.
A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.
I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.
I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.
D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).
D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....
Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....
Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"
I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....
strange!!
Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.
As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s
Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.
A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.
I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.
I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.
D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).
D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....
Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....
Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"
I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....
strange!!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
by golly, I have jealous feelings, too!
Well, this is quite interesting to me as I explore new aspects of life and of my self. For the SECOND time in recent memory, I ACTUALLY FEEL A BIT JEALOUS of B's involvement with another(s).
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....
This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."
Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....
Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....
Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.
Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...
and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!
This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.
I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)
But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....
Too, too interesting.
What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.
For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....
Before the holiday
(catch up).... before the holiday, which I'm spending with my grand-D, etc, out of state, B and I spent quite a little time together in the week before I left.... No sex, simply hanging out, enjoying company, cuddling for the night, etc....
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.
Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....
As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).
Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.
But the fuse was lit....
About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??
I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".
THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.
Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.
In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.
She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).
Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....
I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.
I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.
So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....
Day after plus
Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)
Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Hexagram spread of the Druid Craft tarot re: B
card 1 - two of cups -- the apparent, conscious issue.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension
Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution
card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.
Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change
Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony
I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.
The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!
The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".
The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."
The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.
Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.
Ebb and flow with B
I feel like B is detached again.... and I'm tending, as usual, toward some of my PTSD-based reactions (per my therapist yesterday). I need to communicate more actively and directly and quit avoiding the prospect of difficult conversations. My T suggested asking outright, courteously worded questions, and perhaps challenging B a bit -- like over the "issues" arising over the (last) weekend and some assumptions B made and her corresponding reactions....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....
Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.
So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....
Amaryllis
Mostly a placeholder.... some days / couple weeks ago, B channelled one of my key guides--
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
Amaryllis.
I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....
Saturday, November 22, 2008
strange, strange mood
I am in the oddest mood tonight..... B stayed over last night. Very cuddly. Was quite late when we got in... she did some massage and healing work on me which was beneficial... nonsexual (a bit of good natured teasing, but no sex).... and none this a.m., but quite cuddly and loving all around. She hung out til almost noon. Thing is, sshe got razzed up and didn't really sleep until almost 4 a.m. I tried not to let it bother my sleep, but it was more costly to my sleep than I realized.... sort of dragged me out all day today.
We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....
Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.
I hardly know what to make of that!!
And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....
Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....
We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....
Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.
I hardly know what to make of that!!
And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....
Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Nov 1 horoscope
by Holiday Mathis seems pretty apropos these days (I am a double Libra with strong Scorpio)
Neptune, the king of dreams, has been traveling retrograde since May 26 and now changes his course. His direct movement inspires the development of projects and intentions that have been waiting on the back burner. You'll probably realize that as much as you thought you were ready before, the timing is now far more perfect.
ARIES (March 21-April 19). You are relaxed and confident, so your conversation flows. Before you know it, you've completely lost yourself and become immersed in a fascinating new acquaintance. You ask all the right questions.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Though by now you think you're able to predict just what a loved one will say and do, it turns out that there are a few surprises. A third party changes the dynamic in a favorable way. Your interest is sparked anew.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21). The one who says it can't be done is really saying that he or she doesn't have any idea how to do it. Your vision can still come together. All you need is one other person to believe it along with you.
CANCER (June 22-July 22). Your emotions are engaged, which makes it more difficult to see things as they are. That's alright — objectivity is overrated. Instead of keeping your cool, go even deeper into the feelings.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You are masterful at creating the kind of eye-catching, imaginative illusions that make others want to leap into your world — but don't let them. It's far more effective to slowly envelop them. Create a journey.
TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (NOVEMBER 1). Your interests multiply and fill your life with relaxing, happy hours. You get a fresh start with a job or relationship this month. There's a rush of activity in your personal life and you'll be making an important commitment in December. The effort it takes to make money is reduced in January, and you make more, too. Taurus and Capricorn adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 13, 6, 1, 15 and 42.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're still trying to gage how much control you really have over a situation. Right now it seems like very little, and that's something to accept. Ride it out. Things take a turn for the better tomorrow.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You're dangerously unguarded when it comes to love. It's like you're putting your heart out there to see who will take a bite out of it. Ultimately your reward will match your risk.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You like to visit places you've never seen, but prefer to do that with people you know well. The shared excitement of exploring somewhere new builds the bonds of your relationship with your travel partner.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec. 21). You can't afford to have things around you that don't work. Give yourself a limited time to get repairs, mend the tears and fix whatever needs it. And if it still won't go, cut your losses.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you feel a bit stressed out, it's a signal that you need even more responsibility. Increase your task load and things fall in order. When the going gets tough, you can accomplish amazing feats in a few hours.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Out-of-the-ordinary things happen for you and to you. Your whimsical approach to life will start a magical chain of events. Your secret desire could come to life right in front of your eyes.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). It's so attractive the way you can grasp the psychology of a person. You effortlessly soak in the essence of people. You get near them and know them, absorbing their inner world by osmosis.
WELCOME NOVEMBER: The derivation of the word "November" is Latin, correlating with the number nine. Now that just doesn't make sense, considering that it's the eleventh month of the year. But the Roman calendar existed for a time without the months of January and February. And there is music and melancholy in "novem," as the poets have discovered over the years. One cannot help but make the association with the cold end of things — like plants and love affairs and life — and at the same time perhaps find some appreciation for the temporal nature of all that is beautiful. Astrologically the month of November belongs largely to Scorpio, one of the more intense signs of the zodiac. Scorpio is credited as being the sexiest sign and the cutting truthfulness this sign wields is responsible in part. Scorpio acknowledges and accepts that there is always more than meets the eye. There are thoughts between the words, informative space between the image and energy around object. Scorpio recognizes that we are spirit in a material world and gives credence to things like omens, pheromones and micro-gestures. This is the month that your life will be enriched by the depth of your awareness.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Issues arising with B, Tarot
an attempt to clarify and inform and cover appropriate ground with B tonight did not go well.
Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)
card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.
Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)
card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
very strange dream
I don't often remember dreams, but I certainly had some strange one(s) last night. I recall watching some kids chase and harass a couple of dogs, harmlessly, then a different set of older kids had another dog trussed up across a wood fence structure. I intervened in that... I was watching from my bedroom and thought I was nude, but it was too important to intervene quickly. My wife / woman called the police, I think. Meanwhile I tore the fence apart to get at these kids and untruss the dog. Next thing I recall, the governor (beautiful Gov. G) was at my house to assist or follow up. I remember walking down the hall with her and my woman? and perhaps another person or two. Realized then that contrary to what I'd thought when I went out after those kids, I had lounge pants on -- I wasn't nude, and mentioned that. Gov G said, "thank heavens" or "it's a good thing.... for the best" or something.... We were headed back to my bedroom. THAT turned out to be something like my bedroom in my last house with my ex-wife. I recall lounging on the bed with Jennifer and talking and half watching the TV in this particular corner. Tried to look up something about the capitol. Just talking and being friendly. I recall she had a pink froo froo dress on -- kinda sexy. Anyway, just chatting. Finally, I recall being on the phone with her, looking for some signs that were supposed to be made and available from MSU printing.... as I hung up from her, my phone rang and it at first appeared to be a political call -- but then it was a woman (M or B, likely) who said something about dragging me back here -- "You blew it".
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Card spread re: B
Well, to help me with the disquieted feeling (part of which has occurred between us regarding perhaps celebrating our b-days together this weekend -- an conversation exchange regarding whether to celebrate this weekend... I told her that would be best as I will be tied up the weekend of my b-day.... well, I could tell she extrapolated that to assume (rightly) that I would be involved with A2.... and said, "well we'll have to see how that works out...."
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
interesting times and a card spread
Well, it's been interestingly up and down with B. Not going to go all in to it. Just felt a bit disquieted tonight over some interaction and some energetic dislocation I feel between us. I know a big part of it is her struggle over feeling more strongly toward me than I toward her. I love her, but not wholly and solely. But I am really concerned that, deny it as she will, she may very well be "in love" with me. That's complex because emotionally she's not entirely capable of "sharing" and I'm not yet at a point where I should settle down to one primary, "only" woman. I need to heal. To get more comfortable on my own and in my own space and I need to make sure I'm not just repeating past patterns.
to the card spread.... well next posting
to the card spread.... well next posting
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Catching up from the weekend
Random notes from Saturday's workshop.
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
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