Druidcraft tarot A2

Rode my bike, trying to assess and sort thoughts... Feeling weary (and allergic!!).

Did a Druidcraft tarot, hexagram spread regarding matters with A2.

It seems to indicate I need to withdraw a bit and do more inner work... not sure what to make of it.

the cast:

Card 1, apparent, conscious issue
The Hermit

seems to indicate I'm again at a stage where I need to withdraw a bit, retreat, seek guidance, let things take care of themselves as they will. Silence and solitude to refresh the soul.

Card 2, point of tension
10 of Pentacles

talks of balance and blessings (sending and receiving). I almost feel like this card is indicating that there is a barrier aspect of the relationship with A2 that is preventing me from receiving all the blessings that might come my way.

I think it also indicates that this has been a mutually blessed/blessing relationship, but things may be out of balance in some ways.

Card 3, way to resolution
3 of swords

Heartache, potential for transformation. "out of heartache can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love. A love triangle.... temporary separation.... true growth and transformation...."

Card 4, the unrevolved or unconscious inner determinant
10 of swords

May be indicating that "a long-term situation - a relationship - may have come to an end..."

I wonder if I'm unconsciously (or maybe not so unconsciously) gearing up to move the relationship with A2 more to a friendship setting and less a "love" relationship...

Card 5, the pivot of change
King of swords, inverted

talks of the deliberate withholding of information (I take this to also be a reference to A2's reluctance to go "too deep" with the relationship -- her emotional intimacy issues she hasn't faced, and likely won't.

"the ability to communicate clearly and objectively may have become distorted...."

Card 6, the key to harmony
3 of cups, inverted

Points back at the need to pay attention to my inner needs. May be indicating too much focus on the relationship with A2 to the detriment of other interests, opportunities, and neglect of my own, and my inner needs.

Look within.


So this reading starts and ends with a reflection of a need to be more contemplative -- turn inward. Think on things, so to speak.

mulling

I'm tired this a.m.. got nearly 8 hours of sleep, but still tired.

Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...

I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).

But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.

For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.

My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...

I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.

A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....

I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.

A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.

She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.

Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.

I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".

And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.

If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??

I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....

and that continues to be missing... interesting....

concert

was nice... on the other hand, I saw my old love interest there (alone) as I'm there with my date....

Brings up interesting feelings....

I don't know why I seem to be having a hard time completely shaking my feelings for B.

Not sure if I cared for her more than I realized, or am missing a convenient, but interesting, addictive relationship.

I just don't know....

It would be really easy to try and strike something back up... but, I think I need to not do that for a whole host of reasons.... I still don't think it was, or would be, an entirely healthy relationship. Some of that lack of health came from her, some from the relationship dynamics, much from within me within the context of that relationship.

hmmmmm.....

sigh..... A2

I'm a little tired.... a little pensive.... a little bothered. Apparently A2 and I have entered that "expectations" phase of the relationship. Sigh.

I'm not sure how much of it is her wariness of being fully, deeply immersed in a relationship, and how much it's me not quite wanting to go there, yet, with her (or maybe anyone)....

I do think it's too soon to be deep and "permanent" in thoughts....

Anyway, we've seen each other every week / weekend of the month of May, save this one...

So, earlier this week when I saw a concert of interest coming up for tonight, I took the opportunity to make a date for the afternoon and evening with a new lady I've been getting to know.

See, I have been getting mixed signals right along from A2. She acts like we're significant others in certain ways, and yet often she'll make remarks encouraging me to continue to "look", "get the experiences you missed", etc. Or, she'll make remarks that make it plain she expects to be "betrayed" by me (again) sooner or later.

On the later (the again), to mix the message some more, she's remarked a great deal about how she over-reacted and should not have become so upset, etc, etc....

Behavior often says one thing, and her words another.

Meantime, I've quietly been continuing to try and date and make connections. No other sex at this point with anyone. Haven't gotten that far along. Just a group thing with a churchy group (nice people, but I could do without the church blather), and as I mentioned, a new, promising connection from POF.

So, I just spend half hour + on the phone with A2 tonight, after I got home.... She was really, really disappointed at not being invited to the concert, especially since it was for charitable organization the which of she likes to support.

Heard it 4 or 5 times at least....

I need to thing this through a bit....

I feel like I gave her too much info and it bit me.... I had hoped that by referring to "going to a concert with friends", (and having things about the house I was trying to get done), that that would address her hint from yesterday to be invited up with a gentle, oblique decline....

But, she harped a bit on how she would have liked to meet my friends, and she went off on other tangents about how she'd have been willing to put herself up in a hotel to come up and support the concert, and nonsense such as that.

She even went in to the "not worthy" to have a lasting relationship with a man bit that she's gone into a few times.....

I really need to thing about how / what to say and react to here.

I feel like expectations have entered the arena -- an expectation to be together every weekend (nearly), for one (and the primary one)....

raises some issues....

A2, feelings and such

I've been thinking lately about how "on the surface" things seem with A2 and me... basically not a deep, emotional condition.... Having a hard time fully defining the issue. But came across this article today on POF, which helps me understand my current state of mind with her. A2 definitely puts up walls, and walls off her emotions from herself. It takes a toll on having a deeper relationship, that's for certain.



The Secret Psychology That Makes Him Fall For You

By Rori Raye

What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you and makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say—even crave knowing how you feel or what you’re inner world is like?

A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.

He falls in love with you because he feels safe expressing his innermost, private feelings with you. He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way. All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.

This is what happens to a man when he goes from feeling affection or admiration for you to feeling genuine love.

This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the title of this article.

I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (and men). It’s rare that either you or he will know exactly why he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.

Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love. We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. Especially giving.

So we do things for him. We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacey lingerie. We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what we want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.

We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.

And still he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to. Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.

This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his heart. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level—his feelings.

So, how do you connect with a man’s feelings? I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.

When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you’ve read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.

You chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy. EMOTIONS.

You share everything but who you are.

You put up walls with him without even knowing you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit telling him how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime. Or, maybe you don’t even pay attention to your own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend. But if you were to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.

It seems like such a simple thing. But for so many of us, it’s such a counter-intuitive thing. It’s difficult. We’re not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures. So many of us are programmed to be doing, thinking, managing and worrying all the time. These are qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a “friend” than his lover.

When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual feeling creature, you become what I call a “siren” around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be…an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the outside.

That is the secret to what makes him fall for you.

You can find out more about how to do what works to make a man fall in love with you and avoid doing the things that actually push a man away by signing up for Rori Raye’s free newsletters at HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. They’re filled with proven Tools she developed to turn her own love life around many years ago, Tools she still uses every day and teaches to her clients so they can keep their relationships strong.