mulling

I'm tired this a.m.. got nearly 8 hours of sleep, but still tired.

Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...

I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).

But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.

For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.

My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...

I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.

A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....

I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.

A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.

She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.

Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.

I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".

And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.

If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??

I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....

and that continues to be missing... interesting....