wondering if it will last

Sigh. For the umpteenth time B and I have had some disagreeableness over the computer, her insecurities (lack of trust) and so on and on....

It started when she discovered I had cleared the Firefox history and (inadvertently) set it to not save any history at all..... "what are you trying to hide" is the feeling she expressed.... "Porn? Dating sites? Interactions with other women? What???"

I find this interaction completely exasperating and trying. I do look at porn periodically, but not to any degree of addiction or inappropriateness.... I heard a comedienne say she enjoyed watching porn like she watches the Food Network. Fun to watch but not anything she wants to actually do. For me, it's simply an occasional masturbatory aid. I think that ought to be OK, but I do NOT think B would agree.... and I've become hardwired to avoid conflict and creating issues if I can....

Hence my clearing of the history and such. I don't remember just when I did this.... but I kind of remember being at wits end over another quiz and concern over something she'd come across on my history, etc, etc..... There'd been an issue with some old bookmarks like singlesnet.com as well as other stuff she encountered that fires up her insecurities. I was simply trying to stop a recurrence and avoid conflict.... But she found a concern and conflict ensued regardless.... sigh.

I thought we talked it out. I admitted to the occasional foray into playboy.com and blamed that and the previous conflicts for my clearing of the history. I was sure not going to admit looking at harder core stuff, LOL.

And I did all the usual honest reassurances.... I'm NOT involved with anyone else, pursuing involvement, communicating, etc, etc..... Frankly the only loose connection I have to my previous (potential) love life is that TC and I have remained loose email friends.... and I get postings from her, as part of a group she sends to, periodically. I don't feel a strong need to pursue that particular potential relationship; but should this one fail, I might return carefully to that one to see where it leads.

I am very frustrated at this point that despite assurance after assurance and repeated honest answers -- that I'm not entirely comfortable admitting to -- are still necessary and inadequate. I've TOLD B that I've NEVER had casual sex. Never had a one night stand. Never did the typical "middle aged bachelor/crazy" thing.... etc, etc. I tell her that because it is the truth. I did not have a normal male sexual development, and my relative comfort and skill (?) as a lover is despite that lack of normal development.

I find it a little shameful in a "macho male" way that I've ONLY had sexual encounters that were meaningful and only with the four women I've had a relationship with.

But she doesn't believe me.... Doesn't trust me and it would appear cannot and will never fully trust me. That is a problem.

Even more disturbing to my psyche is the fact that even though we seemed to talk this latest bit out..... she's gotten into some kind of doldrums. I don't know if she's depressed, or contemplating ending the relationship or just what. But I can tell she's bothered about something to the point of affect of mood.

Her behaviors of the last 36 hours have had some of my PTSD firing off thoroughly. She's acting a bit like M and I'm having to fight off reactions that are rooted in that awful and unhealthful relationship. The "lost years" as I think of them now.....

She's withdrawn, marginally communicative, acting like there's something on her mind that I'm supposed to draw out, yada yada yada.

It's enough to make me contemplate to a slight extent how I might react if she wants to end the relationship... or even to end it myself if it cannot be healthy, open and relatively honest. I'm rapidly losing my perception that B is in general well adjusted. Anymore I am not so sure.

I've wondered about "taking a break" but I know that that is impossible. There is no way, even if I stated a strong intent to stay physically and emotionally celibate, that she would ultimately believe I did so after a period of separation.

I'm certain with the dynamics that we have that either we have to press forward full on together and do our best to have a good relationship, or end it as amicably as we can, and leave it be. I believe B is incapable of allowing for a break or rest in the relationship and also retain trust....

That is impossible because the trust doesn't exist from the get-go.

I've been patient for 36 hours and we'll see where things go tomorrow.... But I will not continue to feel this way or otherwise seriously negative and unhealthy relationship-wise.

I would take a break and heal and be celibate for a time should we break this off.... But there is a limit to my patience and forebearance as regards this lack of trust and continued fear of abandonment....

While I don't think B is a borderline, she has some tendencies, and the inability to trust and the fear of abandonment (which she isn't all that in touch with) is BPD-like.

Been there; done that.