All is not well but not bad with B

Last week B and I had a kind of nasty phone discussion - the usual anxiousness stuff. I don't recollect all the particulars, except that she had become concerned the night before in a discussion about holiday time off that I wanted to go out of town by myself but didn't want to say so.

I told her clearly and cogently that that had not entered my mind, frankly because to even "go there" would cause too many problems -- so I don't entertain such thoughts.

But the conversation got pressed a bit, and without much further ado, kicked off a pretty serious PTSD for me. It frankly has stuck with me a little bit.

Even today, actually a week later and almost to the hour, she called this time "just to say hi" because she'd been quite tired and in bed when I left.... But I answered with wariness, and after I hung up, I realized that I have come to associate mid-morning calls from B with issues and anxieties and upset.

This is NOT good.

The fact of the matter is there is quite a bit, and more all the time, about B that reminds me of M and makes me concerned that I am back in some of the same patterns as I've had in the past.

I am TRYING however to be patient (yet again within a relationship) because B is just this week starting in on some mental health therapy.

I am frankly not sure what I think or where my thoughts might go at this point given free range.

I THINK that in terms of 50+ y.o. people, we're neither of us terribly irredeemedly damaged. But, more and more I'm questioning the match.

And yet, I think there is goodness here as well.

And I'm reluctant to wade back into the dating waters.... There are those I'd consider. T-city, V on my local board, maybe Heather who works for the union office.... (except she has a teen).

But a big part of me would just like this to work out with B because it's really the path of least resistance, and I know she'd be a good caretaker for me should that day come.... And as a man with a more than slight potential of Alzheimer's, knowing I'd have a good, dedicated woman to help care for me is no small consideration! 

But then, T city would be that way too.... Shrug.