Well my dear journal. Here we are again. Trying to cope with wonky feelings out of a partner. Today, just before I was leaving for work, B suggested canceling therapy because "nothing is really changing." whatever the hell that means. Mind you she was "willing to go if you have some things you want to talk about".
What's to talk about. Over the past ten days, her behaviors and anxieties and insecurities swelled up at an utterly inappropriate time imho. I was informed of the loss of a cherished teacher whom I have remained loosely in touch with for over 30 years. His passing hurts. It was only reasonable that I would want to go to the associated visitation and funeral, and yes, preferably, by myself. B doesn't know anyone in my old home town. She'd not have enjoyed the challenge of engaging strangers and waiting patiently as I caught up with old friends and acquaintances. And I would not have cared to worry more about her comfortability than my own needs to talk and reminisce.
This should NOT have been difficult - for me to take an overnight and a day away from her for a visitation and funeral. And yet, she had the usual crisis of confidence in the relationship. Wondering over and over if I would just be looking/finding some old friend to get involved with like Sarah. My god. I understood the doubt that would be raised if I visit FL by myself since that's where Sarah lives. But THIS?? Are you kidding.
So, yes, the situation has introduced significant doubt into my mind about the viability of the relationship. Feelings I have kept at bay by force of will when they were simply reactions to an understandable situation. But this. This is hard to understand.
My orientation is that she should eventually get over the feeling of betrayal and mistrust - after all, the matter occurred over 3 years ago now. And while I had dinner and shared long conversation, and that in secret, nothing more happened or was even GOING to happen. But the T says it might be that B can never get over it. OK. So how does a couple live with that?
For B's part, she's mentioned that she's trying to move to a place where she just accepts that "whatever happens, happens" that she has no control and no reason to expect something.... not sure what - fidelity? Honesty? I'm not sure what she thinks she should just get on with accepting and not trying any longer to change or make different.
I don't quite know what to think at this point.
I'm having repeats of feelings and needs to cope that harken back to M in a big way.
This isn't good.
And we don't need to see the T?
I guess I can concede - I'm not sure what we'd talk about at this point and how we'd do it in just one hour. My hurt? B already knows of that. My thoughts that we ought to be at a place of trust and honesty (but do not seem to be) and hers that we can never get there and that I continue to keep info closeted? Already know that.
Her new relationship fatalism that arises off and on? I presume she'll talk to her own T about that.
I just don't know. I hate the idea that we can't make this work and it might need to just end and both of us move on. That's a pain in the ass. But maybe, due apparently to my misjudgment 3 years ago, this relationship is just fatally flawed.
