Interesting when you can step back and clearly see some of the regular cycling that occurs in her moods and reactions.
Sunday, she melted down -- pretty manic / dysphoric. Moved to a more neutral, but negative emotional set over the next couple days.
Now, she's deep into the "poor me" stuff, and how hard her life is.... looking for pity and understanding and feeling abandoned and all....
Anyway, as I was getting ready to leave for an EXPECTED TRIP, that she'd FORGOTTEN started tonight, she:
1) asked that I do some soul searching and think about how I'd feel if I WERE HER (now, what does she imagine that might mean to me....)
2) got her Dr Phil exercises out to share, again....
#2 is something she does, I've noticed, when she's really at a point of feeling vulnerable and about to be abandoned (or left)....
It's really quite predictable. The message is supposed to be, "See how hard I'm trying".
Although, sometimes she can't resist, and makes the message that, plus, "and YOU aren't trying AT ALL to save this relataionship."
Well, that's kind of true. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to "save myself".
In many, many ways, my relationship with her has been been like the person who makes the mistake of trying to save a drowning person "head on". Lifesaving training tells you to approach from behind, because if you approach HEAD ON, being in a panicked state, the victim will often grab you and pull you both down.
I've come to realize that's what's happened in many ways in this relationship.
It's time for her to swim.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sigh.... what a memory
Well, to top off things at this point... after Sunday's meltdown, Monday's silent treatment, Tuesday's kind of silent treatment....
I came home, happened to be early because that was how my day worked out.... and did some cleaning she requested, and more than she asked for (no, no thank yous were given...) Then started packing for my trip.
I also changed into fresh clothes, whereupon she said, "Are you going somewhere?"
I tried not to be incredulous, as I said, "Yes, to the hotel I booked for the stay, park and fly deal."
"I thought you were leaving tomorrow"
"No, I sent you a copy of my flight itinerary"
"How am I supposed to track something like that??!!"
Anyway, we got a little disagreeable at times, but not horrifyingly so....
And, it's the typical swing from manic / agitated depression to maudlin feelings....
I came home, happened to be early because that was how my day worked out.... and did some cleaning she requested, and more than she asked for (no, no thank yous were given...) Then started packing for my trip.
I also changed into fresh clothes, whereupon she said, "Are you going somewhere?"
I tried not to be incredulous, as I said, "Yes, to the hotel I booked for the stay, park and fly deal."
"I thought you were leaving tomorrow"
"No, I sent you a copy of my flight itinerary"
"How am I supposed to track something like that??!!"
Anyway, we got a little disagreeable at times, but not horrifyingly so....
And, it's the typical swing from manic / agitated depression to maudlin feelings....
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Tonight's "comments"
When I got home unexpectedly late, I of course apologized again for having worried her, etc.
She doesn't tend to have the right view of my job -- sometimes it's very similar to being a fireman -- if there's a fire, you go, and it takes the time and effort it takes -- and the loved one has to wonder, worry, and hope....
No, she wants more normalcy than I'm likely to give her job-wise. Well, can't be helped.
Anyway, shortly after I came downstairs to make my supper, she appeared and said, "Do you realize that in a little more than 12 hours, you'll be up and headed right back to work? "
Me, "Sometimes that happens".
M, "Well, what kind of a life is that??!!"
Well, it's the life I lead. And, mostly work-wise, I like it and I do it really really well.
It's a shame she doesn't understand and honor me more for it.
She doesn't tend to have the right view of my job -- sometimes it's very similar to being a fireman -- if there's a fire, you go, and it takes the time and effort it takes -- and the loved one has to wonder, worry, and hope....
No, she wants more normalcy than I'm likely to give her job-wise. Well, can't be helped.
Anyway, shortly after I came downstairs to make my supper, she appeared and said, "Do you realize that in a little more than 12 hours, you'll be up and headed right back to work? "
Me, "Sometimes that happens".
M, "Well, what kind of a life is that??!!"
Well, it's the life I lead. And, mostly work-wise, I like it and I do it really really well.
It's a shame she doesn't understand and honor me more for it.
Unexpectedly worked late, and
Still at work, unexpected meeting at 7p + .... Phone from home rang 2X from 7:15 to 7:20. Unfortunately, I had not been able to call in advance, NOR could I interrupt the meeting I was in gracefully to call home....
So, I knew there'd be some troubled reaction.
Actually, so far, it's not been terrible. I called @ 7:30p, just as soon as I could. She started to get testy, but I just calmly said it couldn't be helped, and yes, I knew it was worrisome for me to be late ("Yeah, an hour later than I expected!!") and I was sorry. Anyway, she started to get testy, and then stopped herself short... That was a bit of a surprise.
When I got home, I got one interesting comment (see next message), and then lots of silent treatment. She's clearly not feeling well. Neither am I. I certainly intend to be careful how and what I say....
So, I knew there'd be some troubled reaction.
Actually, so far, it's not been terrible. I called @ 7:30p, just as soon as I could. She started to get testy, but I just calmly said it couldn't be helped, and yes, I knew it was worrisome for me to be late ("Yeah, an hour later than I expected!!") and I was sorry. Anyway, she started to get testy, and then stopped herself short... That was a bit of a surprise.
When I got home, I got one interesting comment (see next message), and then lots of silent treatment. She's clearly not feeling well. Neither am I. I certainly intend to be careful how and what I say....
Monday, February 26, 2007
One of yesterday's notes
was the following. M left this after she went out tramping around in her boots in the snow to burn off some of her ill feelings and bad energy. It didn't work that well, as the evening continued to get conflicted until the astrology bit....
Anyway, the note:
"I mailed K's [my D.I.L.] belated b-day present tonight -- you know -- the mother of the most wonderful granddaughter and the prodigal son's wife -- you my or may not with to call S [my son] and let him know that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Or not. Doesn't really matter since I'm just as much of a non-entity to your entire family as I am to you.
Anyway, the note:
"I mailed K's [my D.I.L.] belated b-day present tonight -- you know -- the mother of the most wonderful granddaughter and the prodigal son's wife -- you my or may not with to call S [my son] and let him know that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Or not. Doesn't really matter since I'm just as much of a non-entity to your entire family as I am to you.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Mars in retrograde?
She says Mars is about to go into retrograde....
then says, that means we should really make our official "quitting day" March 29....
I guess to that the retrograde isn't affecting such a major decision....
Hey, I don't know....
Oh, and NOW, I'm welcome to sleep in the master BR if I want to....
(again, apparently she believes astrologically it's the wrong time to make major decisions....)
Of course, I recognize that this "invitation" is just as easily turned into a rejection felt, as well, for her part.... Because, now what if I do NOT?? I know how that would go.
And, on top of it, I looked up the retrograde, and at least on one plausible hit, it appears that she's incorrect.
Mercury, maybe, but not Mars. Mars is already there, not going into retrograde....
then says, that means we should really make our official "quitting day" March 29....
I guess to that the retrograde isn't affecting such a major decision....
Hey, I don't know....
Oh, and NOW, I'm welcome to sleep in the master BR if I want to....
(again, apparently she believes astrologically it's the wrong time to make major decisions....)
Of course, I recognize that this "invitation" is just as easily turned into a rejection felt, as well, for her part.... Because, now what if I do NOT?? I know how that would go.
And, on top of it, I looked up the retrograde, and at least on one plausible hit, it appears that she's incorrect.
Mercury, maybe, but not Mars. Mars is already there, not going into retrograde....
Who lives where?
She also came down and wanted to know what my thinking had been when I had expressed that I hadn't envisioned a scenario where she left and I stayed in the house....
First, I clarified that that was a reference to any sudden / temporary move-out.
Then, I explained that the purpose was to disrupt her life and routine as little as possible.
However, she started in on how, "Yeah, and it'd be a lot more convenient for you, etc".
Started to get testy. But, I guess I waved it off....
First, I clarified that that was a reference to any sudden / temporary move-out.
Then, I explained that the purpose was to disrupt her life and routine as little as possible.
However, she started in on how, "Yeah, and it'd be a lot more convenient for you, etc".
Started to get testy. But, I guess I waved it off....
On and on and on
Well, she collected herself and came to the living room "to talk" a couple hours ago. Started out OK. Sorta. Then, of course, rapidly headed into a rehash of the many sins and troubles I've caused her.... I stayed really, really patient until it had been quite a while.
Then, she was about to start into the evergreen "all the sacrifice and effort she's put into my parents and my family and their visits....." and on and on.
I finally showed the least weary exasperation. Which, made her intensely angry!
Now, since, she's come back and forth with one and another of her hurts, offendedness and all.
It just goes on and on and on.
A little bit ago, she came down and made a statement about how, "I've asked several times about trying a different relationship therapist...and I might as well be talking to the wall."
I just looked at her. As often happens with partners of BPD people, we try to do couples therapy, "buy" that it is a "safe place" to express ourselves, only to find out otherwise in very short order. Time after time I had to pay for days after a session together.
No thanks.
Then, she was about to start into the evergreen "all the sacrifice and effort she's put into my parents and my family and their visits....." and on and on.
I finally showed the least weary exasperation. Which, made her intensely angry!
Now, since, she's come back and forth with one and another of her hurts, offendedness and all.
It just goes on and on and on.
A little bit ago, she came down and made a statement about how, "I've asked several times about trying a different relationship therapist...and I might as well be talking to the wall."
I just looked at her. As often happens with partners of BPD people, we try to do couples therapy, "buy" that it is a "safe place" to express ourselves, only to find out otherwise in very short order. Time after time I had to pay for days after a session together.
No thanks.
Equity vs equity
Wanted to record this while I was thinking of it. Yet another area of conflict that has arisen is her contention that she's being cheated on equity.
She "remembers" she got $50k equity from her house. Mine was maybe half that. She has it in her head that I spent MY equity on my piano and on repaying a loan to my parents. Not true. But, it's in HER head.
She conveniently forgets that we had an agreement that based on my assistance with her house, together with what I had for my equity -- that we were combining all that and our sweat equity into this place and it was a 50/50 proposition.
How convenient to forget.
No, better to feel lied to and cheated, even if not based in any reality.
She "remembers" she got $50k equity from her house. Mine was maybe half that. She has it in her head that I spent MY equity on my piano and on repaying a loan to my parents. Not true. But, it's in HER head.
She conveniently forgets that we had an agreement that based on my assistance with her house, together with what I had for my equity -- that we were combining all that and our sweat equity into this place and it was a 50/50 proposition.
How convenient to forget.
No, better to feel lied to and cheated, even if not based in any reality.
No surprise, she's getting worked up
As the afternoon and evning has progressed, she's gotten incruasingly incensed and reactive. Very typical. So far, I haven't responded in anger. Outright asked her if that's what she was seeking.
More and more accusations
Blame on me and my schedule and tiredness for lack of sex
devaluing of the start of the relationahip "this was just supposed to be a fling for you..."
on and on.
But, she has tramped off in her boots and vest and maybe she'll walk off some of the negative energy.
Not likely. But, at least the house is quiet for a little while.
It's tempting to pack for my trip and pack for the next few days and get the hell out.
But, I'm trying to stay at ease as best I can.
More and more accusations
Blame on me and my schedule and tiredness for lack of sex
devaluing of the start of the relationahip "this was just supposed to be a fling for you..."
on and on.
But, she has tramped off in her boots and vest and maybe she'll walk off some of the negative energy.
Not likely. But, at least the house is quiet for a little while.
It's tempting to pack for my trip and pack for the next few days and get the hell out.
But, I'm trying to stay at ease as best I can.
Why she doesn't see her T
One of my great frustration points is that she has NOT seen her T since mid-last Fall.
One of the bits of mud I flung this p.m. was to make reference to that. I forget exactly what I said, or my point. Other than saying, "You'd ought to be talking about something like that to your T whom you haven't seen in weeks and months!!" Or maybe something a bit harsher.
Anyway, shortly after, she came downstairs and said, "You want to know WHY I don't go to see my T? "
OK, I bit....
"Because, she is FRUSTRATED with me [apparently, from her subsequent comments, due to her not dealing with either demanding we get married or moving out]. " She went on to say, "She told me 5 months ago to leave...." (words I've heard before....)
THEN, she went on to say, "You know, my T told us 3 years ago that we should just get married so we would avoid these kinds of problems..."
"US?? ", I said....[I don't recall this at all]
"Yes, us. But, you wouldn't rememember that, now would you...."
Yipe.
One of the bits of mud I flung this p.m. was to make reference to that. I forget exactly what I said, or my point. Other than saying, "You'd ought to be talking about something like that to your T whom you haven't seen in weeks and months!!" Or maybe something a bit harsher.
Anyway, shortly after, she came downstairs and said, "You want to know WHY I don't go to see my T? "
OK, I bit....
"Because, she is FRUSTRATED with me [apparently, from her subsequent comments, due to her not dealing with either demanding we get married or moving out]. " She went on to say, "She told me 5 months ago to leave...." (words I've heard before....)
THEN, she went on to say, "You know, my T told us 3 years ago that we should just get married so we would avoid these kinds of problems..."
"US?? ", I said....[I don't recall this at all]
"Yes, us. But, you wouldn't rememember that, now would you...."
Yipe.
Where there's a will
Interesting odd bit out of her mouth between things. She wanted to know if I have any Last Will and Testament forms or software....
Tonight?? I asked.
NO, but before you're GONE FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS....
Whatever.
I do have something at work that I think might include will software....
And, I DO wonder about why she's wanting it.... Maybe I should make her ask twice.
Tonight?? I asked.
NO, but before you're GONE FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS....
Whatever.
I do have something at work that I think might include will software....
And, I DO wonder about why she's wanting it.... Maybe I should make her ask twice.
Making it worse
When I came home a few minutes ago, M was on the phone to her older boy. Not good.
When she gets into this space, she too often phones these boys and has inappropriate conversations with them. Conversations that ought to be with a friend, her sis, or her T.
But, she doesn't tend to choose well in this regard. So, she'll lay stuff on these kids that she really should not.
When I got home, somehow she was into jabbering at the boy about his dad and how perfect her was (per the kids) and how SHE could never do anything right, (per the EX)...
She already has a pretty strained relationship with this kid (24 or 25 y.o.) and these rows make it worse....
Anyway, she had him on speaker, and I could tell her wasn't buying her BS, which made her angrier and angrier. Finally, someone hung up....
A few minutes later, she came down and said, "You might want to talk to N about that property in FL -- he looked into it, but I'M apparently NOT supposed to be....???? something or other. "
Anyway, she ranted on and stomped back upstairs, loudly declaring how he was JUST LIKE HIS DAD -- probably WORSE....
Then she SLAMMED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Made a bit more noisome activity.... AND, I just heard her drop her pills.... oh my my
You know, she's just not wise to go to her troubled children, whom she helped trouble, for reassurance and self-worth.
NOT gonna happen
When she gets into this space, she too often phones these boys and has inappropriate conversations with them. Conversations that ought to be with a friend, her sis, or her T.
But, she doesn't tend to choose well in this regard. So, she'll lay stuff on these kids that she really should not.
When I got home, somehow she was into jabbering at the boy about his dad and how perfect her was (per the kids) and how SHE could never do anything right, (per the EX)...
She already has a pretty strained relationship with this kid (24 or 25 y.o.) and these rows make it worse....
Anyway, she had him on speaker, and I could tell her wasn't buying her BS, which made her angrier and angrier. Finally, someone hung up....
A few minutes later, she came down and said, "You might want to talk to N about that property in FL -- he looked into it, but I'M apparently NOT supposed to be....???? something or other. "
Anyway, she ranted on and stomped back upstairs, loudly declaring how he was JUST LIKE HIS DAD -- probably WORSE....
Then she SLAMMED THE BEDROOM DOOR behind her.... Made a bit more noisome activity.... AND, I just heard her drop her pills.... oh my my
You know, she's just not wise to go to her troubled children, whom she helped trouble, for reassurance and self-worth.
NOT gonna happen
odds and ends and wills
Several hours ago, M asked me about financial matters in an accusatory tone that always sets me on edge. I didn't get too angry, but testy. This is information I have provided for her previously. She conveniently forgets that half our savings are in stocks, and gets distressed that our savings that she sees @ the ATM are smaller than she'd like....
Tends to accuse me of over-spending (I am as frugal as our house and lifestyle allow for).
Just gets nasty over money.
I didn't rise to the bait, I did get testy. But no more than.
Instead, I asked if she was trying to set it up for us to go toe to toe all afternoon or what? "I just asked a couple of questions..." says she.
Then I said, I'm going to take off for a couple hours and then come back. She responded, "Go see a movie"....
Whatever.
Tends to accuse me of over-spending (I am as frugal as our house and lifestyle allow for).
Just gets nasty over money.
I didn't rise to the bait, I did get testy. But no more than.
Instead, I asked if she was trying to set it up for us to go toe to toe all afternoon or what? "I just asked a couple of questions..." says she.
Then I said, I'm going to take off for a couple hours and then come back. She responded, "Go see a movie"....
Whatever.
Transference and projection, just wonderful
No surprise. M just came back after taking herself "away" for awhile, maybe 90 minutes to two hours gone....
I tried NOT to immediately assume her to be sour.... so I just said, "Hello".
She said, indistinctly (so I had to ask her to repeat, which fueled the fire) "I think I'd prefer if you NOT talk to me..." And, "If you can't do that, then I can pack a suitcase...."
I fell silent.
Then something about, "If I HAD A PLACE to go, and it didn't hurt to drive (yadayadayada) I WOULDN'T BE HERE...."
Then she launched into her being a doormat and tired of it....
up the stairs, back down again.... more tirade....
and of always being wrong, and saying the wrong thing... and on, and on.
Wrong for NOT knowing my schedule. Wrong for not knowing WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BE AND WHO YOU'LL BE WITH".... etc, etc Wrong for asking....
Then, in an extra added dramatic spin, she went out to the recycle and grabbed the "Housing" classifieds....
She wasn't obvious, but wasn't invisible about it, either...
Cute.
Actually, it would be very good for her to find herself a place of her own while I'm gone.... That would be good for her and fine for me.....
Of course, I'm keeping my possible new living place a continuing secret until I'm certain and done with it.
I tried NOT to immediately assume her to be sour.... so I just said, "Hello".
She said, indistinctly (so I had to ask her to repeat, which fueled the fire) "I think I'd prefer if you NOT talk to me..." And, "If you can't do that, then I can pack a suitcase...."
I fell silent.
Then something about, "If I HAD A PLACE to go, and it didn't hurt to drive (yadayadayada) I WOULDN'T BE HERE...."
Then she launched into her being a doormat and tired of it....
up the stairs, back down again.... more tirade....
and of always being wrong, and saying the wrong thing... and on, and on.
Wrong for NOT knowing my schedule. Wrong for not knowing WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BE AND WHO YOU'LL BE WITH".... etc, etc Wrong for asking....
Then, in an extra added dramatic spin, she went out to the recycle and grabbed the "Housing" classifieds....
She wasn't obvious, but wasn't invisible about it, either...
Cute.
Actually, it would be very good for her to find herself a place of her own while I'm gone.... That would be good for her and fine for me.....
Of course, I'm keeping my possible new living place a continuing secret until I'm certain and done with it.
Sunday, Sunday
Well, the inevitable meltdown finally occurred. Or, should I say, is occurring.
As we reviewed the Sunday ads, the subject of my upcoming schedule came to the fore. I leave for a 4 day conference mid this week. She's staying home. Flights were just too expensive. And schedules unattractive.
Anyway, so as NOT to blindside her later, like later this week or next week when I'm back, I made sure to mention that upon my return, later that week commencing Thursday night, I have work related meetings into Saturday a.m.. Mind you, she had this info before and didn't apparently retain or record it. Anyway, too little notice, too late, keeps being an issue according to her.
She, as I was afraid she would, rapidly descended into an unhappy state. This is after a relatively conflict-free past work week (of course, I made myself very availale for her as she was in town a lot -- that always helps -- whether I have the time is another matter...) Probably even more an affect was the fact that she had almost no sleep last night due to her stomach hurting (may not be tolerating the presciption dose of Motrin).
Anyway, I knew she was likely to get very churlish and unhappy.... Hoped otherwise by being relatively proactive with info, but of course it wasn't enough.
She began the rants about not knowing, about what the hell is she supposed to do with herself while I'm out of the house 9 days out of the next 14, etc, etc. I tried to head of having a huge fight by pointing out that's where we were headed....
And, by pointing out that I thought I'd followed "all the rules". She had the info long ago, and I thought I was reminding her of what was coming up. She ranted on some. Making snarky remarks about "it's his WORK", etc.... (this usually precedes her getting more and more upset.) This time, so far not too dramatically, but enough that I was starting to get upset.
To the work crack, I finally said, "Look, this looks like it's headed to the usual place. By later today you will accuse me of being just like your first husband (whose work was "all important (actually it was a camoflage for his philandering)) then of being as bad as your mother, or a combination of both. You'll accuse me of abusing you in some manner as you've done before when we get into this space."
I think I finally said I wasn't going to engage in this any further, but that might have been earlier, attempting to "head things off".
I don't recall her response, only that she was put out that I laid that out for her.... And, I headed upstairs to the treadmill to work off some of my negative energy.
Meanwhile, she came to me not at all, got showered, dressed, and left me a note that "I'm going elsewhere so you can't accuse me of anything else. Have a nice day."
And, I've journaled this while cooling off from my treadmilling.
Now, I'll clean up, do the usual Sunday stuff: trash, count pills, etc.... then probably work on taxes.
No reason for me not to do what I usually do and what must be done on a Sunday in this household. Someone has to be the adult.
As we reviewed the Sunday ads, the subject of my upcoming schedule came to the fore. I leave for a 4 day conference mid this week. She's staying home. Flights were just too expensive. And schedules unattractive.
Anyway, so as NOT to blindside her later, like later this week or next week when I'm back, I made sure to mention that upon my return, later that week commencing Thursday night, I have work related meetings into Saturday a.m.. Mind you, she had this info before and didn't apparently retain or record it. Anyway, too little notice, too late, keeps being an issue according to her.
She, as I was afraid she would, rapidly descended into an unhappy state. This is after a relatively conflict-free past work week (of course, I made myself very availale for her as she was in town a lot -- that always helps -- whether I have the time is another matter...) Probably even more an affect was the fact that she had almost no sleep last night due to her stomach hurting (may not be tolerating the presciption dose of Motrin).
Anyway, I knew she was likely to get very churlish and unhappy.... Hoped otherwise by being relatively proactive with info, but of course it wasn't enough.
She began the rants about not knowing, about what the hell is she supposed to do with herself while I'm out of the house 9 days out of the next 14, etc, etc. I tried to head of having a huge fight by pointing out that's where we were headed....
And, by pointing out that I thought I'd followed "all the rules". She had the info long ago, and I thought I was reminding her of what was coming up. She ranted on some. Making snarky remarks about "it's his WORK", etc.... (this usually precedes her getting more and more upset.) This time, so far not too dramatically, but enough that I was starting to get upset.
To the work crack, I finally said, "Look, this looks like it's headed to the usual place. By later today you will accuse me of being just like your first husband (whose work was "all important (actually it was a camoflage for his philandering)) then of being as bad as your mother, or a combination of both. You'll accuse me of abusing you in some manner as you've done before when we get into this space."
I think I finally said I wasn't going to engage in this any further, but that might have been earlier, attempting to "head things off".
I don't recall her response, only that she was put out that I laid that out for her.... And, I headed upstairs to the treadmill to work off some of my negative energy.
Meanwhile, she came to me not at all, got showered, dressed, and left me a note that "I'm going elsewhere so you can't accuse me of anything else. Have a nice day."
And, I've journaled this while cooling off from my treadmilling.
Now, I'll clean up, do the usual Sunday stuff: trash, count pills, etc.... then probably work on taxes.
No reason for me not to do what I usually do and what must be done on a Sunday in this household. Someone has to be the adult.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The maybe new house
Well, I took a walk through of my possible new temporary home. The young lady is not tidy.... Cute little house. With a little patience and adjustment, we probably could make it work. I find her energy interesting.... Overly enthusiastic, rapid speak is a bit much.... but I think there's something interesting there.
She's even been clear that whenever I'm ready (as I will be out of town a lot in the next couple weeks, so there's no need for me to jump just yet....)....
Very casual. We'll see how life leads in the next few weeks....
She's even been clear that whenever I'm ready (as I will be out of town a lot in the next couple weeks, so there's no need for me to jump just yet....)....
Very casual. We'll see how life leads in the next few weeks....
Weekend, always dangerous
Last night went surprisingly well. Very surprisingly. Yesterday at her followup Dr appt for her surgery, she found out she has tendonitis and if it doesn't clear with a course of drugs, will require additional very minor surgery.... (so the Dr says.... although minor never really seemst to be the reality...) Soooo..... I never heard from her at all -- even though we had quasi-plans to get together -- until she was home and worn. She called from there and left a weary VM for me on my cell. Then didn't take my calls when I returned hers....
I figured she was withdrawing and hiding due to "bad news from the doctor" and she was. But, she wasn't too awfully maudlin or difficult when I got home. Of course, I made sure to ask her the right, concerned questions.
Anyway, once the high dose of Ibuprofen started to work, she decided to come downstairs so we could watch a favorite CBS show together. That was followed by watching some of extras on a DVD, and then, oddly, but not totally oddly, she got to rubbing some oils into some skin eruptions and then on my feet.... which got her sexual.... which led her to rub something more... and we ended up going upstairs to enjoy the moment appropriately and in a more comfortable place than the living room floor....
Then, there was this a.m.. Started out OK. Friendly. No worries.... Then, she came downstairs to watch TV. I saw her fiddling -- she sometimes gets oddly confused about which button to press -- you know how you have to push the TV button on a universal remote, to deal with the TV, and the CABLE button to deal with the cable box. Well, she does this now and then, she kept trying to turn the TV on, and instead would turn the cable box off. Oh, and I think it started because the TV was accidently on the wrong channel.... Anyway, she kept having the remote set to the wrong device for what she was trying to do....
Finally, I heard the remote crash on the floor -- something she does regularly. I didn't get TOO reactive, I just said in a surprised, maybe slightly exasperated voice, "Oh, Madeline...." [not her real name, of course]. She got a bit bothered for awhile, and I wasn't quite certain what was what, so not long after I just said, "WHAT are you upset about??!!" She says, "I just get tired of things not working the way they're supposed to." ( I kept my thoughts about user error to myself....)
Anyway, she seems to be getting about now. I think we're headed to a home and garden show at a local mall. I will try really hard to have a warm, friendly easy day.... Drifting downriver every chance I get.
I figured she was withdrawing and hiding due to "bad news from the doctor" and she was. But, she wasn't too awfully maudlin or difficult when I got home. Of course, I made sure to ask her the right, concerned questions.
Anyway, once the high dose of Ibuprofen started to work, she decided to come downstairs so we could watch a favorite CBS show together. That was followed by watching some of extras on a DVD, and then, oddly, but not totally oddly, she got to rubbing some oils into some skin eruptions and then on my feet.... which got her sexual.... which led her to rub something more... and we ended up going upstairs to enjoy the moment appropriately and in a more comfortable place than the living room floor....
Then, there was this a.m.. Started out OK. Friendly. No worries.... Then, she came downstairs to watch TV. I saw her fiddling -- she sometimes gets oddly confused about which button to press -- you know how you have to push the TV button on a universal remote, to deal with the TV, and the CABLE button to deal with the cable box. Well, she does this now and then, she kept trying to turn the TV on, and instead would turn the cable box off. Oh, and I think it started because the TV was accidently on the wrong channel.... Anyway, she kept having the remote set to the wrong device for what she was trying to do....
Finally, I heard the remote crash on the floor -- something she does regularly. I didn't get TOO reactive, I just said in a surprised, maybe slightly exasperated voice, "Oh, Madeline...." [not her real name, of course]. She got a bit bothered for awhile, and I wasn't quite certain what was what, so not long after I just said, "WHAT are you upset about??!!" She says, "I just get tired of things not working the way they're supposed to." ( I kept my thoughts about user error to myself....)
Anyway, she seems to be getting about now. I think we're headed to a home and garden show at a local mall. I will try really hard to have a warm, friendly easy day.... Drifting downriver every chance I get.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Hmmmm... place to live awhile? Maybe
Well, I met KC last night, a 35 y.o. lady with a house she doesn't use much -- just 5 or 6 days a month. Looking for a room mate to help defray her costs as she tries to live and work primarily 4 hours away from here.
Anyway, she's a bit "wired" for my taste -- not an untypical young person -- but a little wired. Very open and trusting, though. After we got to know one another, she offered that I could feel free to go take a look and see what I thought of the place. Said, it's not locked, because there's not really anything much to steal.
So, the first decision had to be on a comfort level with her personally and vice versa. Well, she's got some interesting mind-body philosophies that she's applying. Particularly an approach called Yamuna body rolling.... So, that might be interesting to tie into in some manner. I just have to be able to deal with her energeticness and enthusiasm.....
So, on the way to work I today I took a look. Interesting. A bit small, of course. Just the standard urban row house, with a cape cod attic (not really living space. Two small bedrooms, but a large LR and large kitchen / dining room area....
My hesitation is this, though.... she's not neat. Not tidy. Not terribly so, but more than a bit scattered and unorganized.... Of course, that fits the right brain-ness I picked up on in short order.
Well, Im not neat, tidy and organized either.... So I wonder about that as a combination.
I'm also feeling a little uncertain about how comfortable she really would be in sharing her home with someone like that, or an older guy like me....
But, she's been very open, very flexible. Offered me use of her bed -- master BR. Open to a very flexible arrangement..... just very loose and casual.
OTOH, looking about, I no longer think it's a possible crash place for M. Once I take this step, M will have to deal with her changes on her own and in her own way and time. Looking at this place, I don't see M being able to cope with it and be very happy about it.
But, as temporary living space for me... for weeks or maybe a couple months.... Huge possible yes to that..... Thinking, thinking.
Anyway, she's a bit "wired" for my taste -- not an untypical young person -- but a little wired. Very open and trusting, though. After we got to know one another, she offered that I could feel free to go take a look and see what I thought of the place. Said, it's not locked, because there's not really anything much to steal.
So, the first decision had to be on a comfort level with her personally and vice versa. Well, she's got some interesting mind-body philosophies that she's applying. Particularly an approach called Yamuna body rolling.... So, that might be interesting to tie into in some manner. I just have to be able to deal with her energeticness and enthusiasm.....
So, on the way to work I today I took a look. Interesting. A bit small, of course. Just the standard urban row house, with a cape cod attic (not really living space. Two small bedrooms, but a large LR and large kitchen / dining room area....
My hesitation is this, though.... she's not neat. Not tidy. Not terribly so, but more than a bit scattered and unorganized.... Of course, that fits the right brain-ness I picked up on in short order.
Well, Im not neat, tidy and organized either.... So I wonder about that as a combination.
I'm also feeling a little uncertain about how comfortable she really would be in sharing her home with someone like that, or an older guy like me....
But, she's been very open, very flexible. Offered me use of her bed -- master BR. Open to a very flexible arrangement..... just very loose and casual.
OTOH, looking about, I no longer think it's a possible crash place for M. Once I take this step, M will have to deal with her changes on her own and in her own way and time. Looking at this place, I don't see M being able to cope with it and be very happy about it.
But, as temporary living space for me... for weeks or maybe a couple months.... Huge possible yes to that..... Thinking, thinking.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Nervous, nervous
Well, even though M and I have "gotten along" pretty much this week, I continue to take steps toward a saner state of being.
Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop waiting to meet my potential new landlady. I'm actually anxious and nervous -- I'm sure in large part because of the potentially major and drastic change in my life this represents. Anyway, it's a bit facinating to see myself react in such a way.
Appointment is for 4:30.... and she is a body worker -- and such folks are often a bit flighty, so I know better than to be surprised if she runs a bit late.
Seems like the universe has led me here. She badly needs to rent her house out. Reasonably priced. In a decent neighborhood that is 10 minutes away from my office, from downtown, etc. Laundry machines in the house. Month to month OK. OK if I live there or M..... It's all good, per the email exchanges anyway.
Now, the proof is in the meeting of one another. Taking the measure and the impression. Keeping the intuition open.... as well as the mind.
Part of my nerves also comes in trying to think about a timetable and timeframe, as well as the horror that the intiation of this change will be in mhy world... albeit, briefly, and moreso for M than for me....
We shall see.
Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop waiting to meet my potential new landlady. I'm actually anxious and nervous -- I'm sure in large part because of the potentially major and drastic change in my life this represents. Anyway, it's a bit facinating to see myself react in such a way.
Appointment is for 4:30.... and she is a body worker -- and such folks are often a bit flighty, so I know better than to be surprised if she runs a bit late.
Seems like the universe has led me here. She badly needs to rent her house out. Reasonably priced. In a decent neighborhood that is 10 minutes away from my office, from downtown, etc. Laundry machines in the house. Month to month OK. OK if I live there or M..... It's all good, per the email exchanges anyway.
Now, the proof is in the meeting of one another. Taking the measure and the impression. Keeping the intuition open.... as well as the mind.
Part of my nerves also comes in trying to think about a timetable and timeframe, as well as the horror that the intiation of this change will be in mhy world... albeit, briefly, and moreso for M than for me....
We shall see.
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