an attempt to clarify and inform and cover appropriate ground with B tonight did not go well.
Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)
card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
very strange dream
I don't often remember dreams, but I certainly had some strange one(s) last night. I recall watching some kids chase and harass a couple of dogs, harmlessly, then a different set of older kids had another dog trussed up across a wood fence structure. I intervened in that... I was watching from my bedroom and thought I was nude, but it was too important to intervene quickly. My wife / woman called the police, I think. Meanwhile I tore the fence apart to get at these kids and untruss the dog. Next thing I recall, the governor (beautiful Gov. G) was at my house to assist or follow up. I remember walking down the hall with her and my woman? and perhaps another person or two. Realized then that contrary to what I'd thought when I went out after those kids, I had lounge pants on -- I wasn't nude, and mentioned that. Gov G said, "thank heavens" or "it's a good thing.... for the best" or something.... We were headed back to my bedroom. THAT turned out to be something like my bedroom in my last house with my ex-wife. I recall lounging on the bed with Jennifer and talking and half watching the TV in this particular corner. Tried to look up something about the capitol. Just talking and being friendly. I recall she had a pink froo froo dress on -- kinda sexy. Anyway, just chatting. Finally, I recall being on the phone with her, looking for some signs that were supposed to be made and available from MSU printing.... as I hung up from her, my phone rang and it at first appeared to be a political call -- but then it was a woman (M or B, likely) who said something about dragging me back here -- "You blew it".
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....
I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.
don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Card spread re: B
Well, to help me with the disquieted feeling (part of which has occurred between us regarding perhaps celebrating our b-days together this weekend -- an conversation exchange regarding whether to celebrate this weekend... I told her that would be best as I will be tied up the weekend of my b-day.... well, I could tell she extrapolated that to assume (rightly) that I would be involved with A2.... and said, "well we'll have to see how that works out...."
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
Oh well.
3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck
Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change
I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)
interesting times and a card spread
Well, it's been interestingly up and down with B. Not going to go all in to it. Just felt a bit disquieted tonight over some interaction and some energetic dislocation I feel between us. I know a big part of it is her struggle over feeling more strongly toward me than I toward her. I love her, but not wholly and solely. But I am really concerned that, deny it as she will, she may very well be "in love" with me. That's complex because emotionally she's not entirely capable of "sharing" and I'm not yet at a point where I should settle down to one primary, "only" woman. I need to heal. To get more comfortable on my own and in my own space and I need to make sure I'm not just repeating past patterns.
to the card spread.... well next posting
to the card spread.... well next posting
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Catching up from the weekend
Random notes from Saturday's workshop.
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.
Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"
"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."
Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.
We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.
I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.
Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:
* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop
General routine:
1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.
W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome
He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.
Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.
(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Odd late p.m.
B and I... as posted, she went into a bit of a withdrawal.
Interestingly, my heart chakra is feeling something since late in the afternoon. She and I can be so connected energetically, that my chakra may be reflecting the strain or anxiety or whatever.
The other possibility is M. W, the reader, told me that M is likely to act out as badly or worse than ever in the near future. He thought it would be very serious. I know that means that if she harms herself it could be successful or nearly so.
I suspect that if that's happened, I might feel that in my heart chakra as well....
But it's more likely B and whatever is going on there.
I don't rightly know what to think about that!! I want to be very careful about getting back into an addictive relationship....
Is it her or me when I feel this odd feeling in my heart chakra.... ??
Interestingly, my heart chakra is feeling something since late in the afternoon. She and I can be so connected energetically, that my chakra may be reflecting the strain or anxiety or whatever.
The other possibility is M. W, the reader, told me that M is likely to act out as badly or worse than ever in the near future. He thought it would be very serious. I know that means that if she harms herself it could be successful or nearly so.
I suspect that if that's happened, I might feel that in my heart chakra as well....
But it's more likely B and whatever is going on there.
I don't rightly know what to think about that!! I want to be very careful about getting back into an addictive relationship....
Is it her or me when I feel this odd feeling in my heart chakra.... ??
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Today readings and more
Today was a day for readings and body work. I took B because I knew she'd both enjoy it and benefit. She would be a good addition to this community, too. She's gifted in the energies. She's hooked in with some others in town that I think bear less light. I hope she'll feel drawn in to this new community kindled this weekend.
Meanwhile, I had a good reading from W, one of presenters. There's more to be said....
B, meanwhile, is a little thrown by the reading she got from T (my intuitive). I didn't get much out of B about it, but she was a little regretful for the info / responsiblity that came with the reading.... I did gather it's about her and me.... and something about not knowing that she "wanted the responsibility"... we'll see if she shares more.
Meanwhile, we spent some more time together after, but the energy became a little wan and withdrawn. She definitely pulled in some tonight. We'll have to see what transpires.
I find myself in need of a bit of a recharge after these two days. Just need to rest and absorb.
postscript: I felt as if B was taking some space today, since she didn't contact me at all. We saw each other at a mutual activity tonight, but we each tend to do our own thing there and keep our own interactions a bit muted. But, still, I wonder if she's gone into one of her "quiet" periods, where her anxiety or thoughts nearly overwhelm, so she withdraws....
We shall see.
Meanwhile, I had a good reading from W, one of presenters. There's more to be said....
B, meanwhile, is a little thrown by the reading she got from T (my intuitive). I didn't get much out of B about it, but she was a little regretful for the info / responsiblity that came with the reading.... I did gather it's about her and me.... and something about not knowing that she "wanted the responsibility"... we'll see if she shares more.
Meanwhile, we spent some more time together after, but the energy became a little wan and withdrawn. She definitely pulled in some tonight. We'll have to see what transpires.
I find myself in need of a bit of a recharge after these two days. Just need to rest and absorb.
postscript: I felt as if B was taking some space today, since she didn't contact me at all. We saw each other at a mutual activity tonight, but we each tend to do our own thing there and keep our own interactions a bit muted. But, still, I wonder if she's gone into one of her "quiet" periods, where her anxiety or thoughts nearly overwhelm, so she withdraws....
We shall see.
Saturday's workshop
Sent to an intuition workshop Saturday. Focused on undertanding that all have some degree of intutition. Most people confuse clairvoyance with intuition. Clairvoyance is only one of several "clairs". Our instructors were certified Doreen Virtue angel trainers, and we used her decks in our practice.
It was instructive, inspiring, intriguing, and fun. I really enjoy people of this mindset, even as I continually wrestle with a rather "agnostic" attitude toward anything metaphysical. Still, it seems like there is something there and not nothing.
I don't consider myself terribly intuitive, although I've come to realize I am moreso than I give myself credit for. As I did readings at the workshop, I read for people better than I might ever have expected.
We learned about the "four clairs" which helps me understand better this energetic philosophy, ESP, or whatever.
I like these explanations from other sources (which saves me from writing out much):
Wikipedia has related terms listed under clairvoyance, including terms for extra-smell and extra-taste as well as those more common to the lightworker community dialog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clairvoyance
http://www.geocities.com/lilly_light/4-clairs.html is wordy and not as literate, either literally or energetically, as I'd like. But there is some valuable information.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-Touch---The-4-Clairs-to-Spiritual-Guidance-in-Healing-Work&id=953965 has a brief explanation that is very pithy and apropos, so I'm quoting it. But one will benefit from reviewing more detailed info. Quoting:
It was instructive, inspiring, intriguing, and fun. I really enjoy people of this mindset, even as I continually wrestle with a rather "agnostic" attitude toward anything metaphysical. Still, it seems like there is something there and not nothing.
I don't consider myself terribly intuitive, although I've come to realize I am moreso than I give myself credit for. As I did readings at the workshop, I read for people better than I might ever have expected.
We learned about the "four clairs" which helps me understand better this energetic philosophy, ESP, or whatever.
I like these explanations from other sources (which saves me from writing out much):
Wikipedia has related terms listed under clairvoyance, including terms for extra-smell and extra-taste as well as those more common to the lightworker community dialog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clairvoyance
http://www.geocities.com/lilly_light/4-clairs.html is wordy and not as literate, either literally or energetically, as I'd like. But there is some valuable information.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-Touch---The-4-Clairs-to-Spiritual-Guidance-in-Healing-Work&id=953965 has a brief explanation that is very pithy and apropos, so I'm quoting it. But one will benefit from reviewing more detailed info. Quoting:
There are four ways (the 4 clairs) we receive spiritual guidance-
1. Clear seeing or clairvoyance
2. Clear hearing or clairaudience
3. Clear feeling or clairsentience
4. Inner knowing or claircognizance
Clear seeing is not just about seeing "auras" or angel lights-it also includes dreams and visions.
Clear hearing is not just about "hearing voices"-it's about voice, music and sound.
Clear feeling is not just about sensing what someone is feeling-it also includes emotions, gut instincts and intuitions.
And Inner knowing is really about knowing things without having learned them in ordinary ways-it is when we receive thoughts, ideas and concepts that we clearly did not have before we received them.
The good news is that we each possess all four of these abilities to receive God's guidance to us. In fact, we are hard-wired for them but some are more endowed than others.Friday, September 12, 2008
B & me
Well, here it is two weeks later. At this point B and I have attended a concert together (kinda, we both decided we wanted to go so I saved her a seat, etc).
and one thing leads to another and now we're talking again regularly. We've even slept together, twice this week. Literally. Slept and cuddled.
I'm feeling better about this at the moment. Although, her tendency to get anxious and hide that until she wants to talk (or act) is a bit too much like my Ex. Nonetheless, I enjoy her company and I actually don't think she's emotionally dependent or demanding. Just some of her coping mechanismss that make me feel / respond with old tapes. Working on that.
To that end, I want to talk to her and gauge how the whole anxiety thing is going. I know a large part of it was the (unexpressed) rivalry / jealousy toward A2. THIS time, I'm going to try and stay OUT of that morass. Each relationship needs to stand on its own. One may rise above the others and become that lifetime / forever thing. But.... all relationships for me right now need to be pretty laid back and easy and undemanding. No expectations. No guilt, etc.
To that end I want to check on that, AND I want to converse about becoming lovers. This could happen just on its own, but I'd much prefer to have talked about it and have us make every attempt for that particular involvement to be fully volitional.
But, I have come to a realization that I would like to take B as a lover. But, by that, I don't intend to give up A2 at this point. Hopefully neither will put me in a precarious or compromizing position.
As I said, each needs to stand on its own.
and one thing leads to another and now we're talking again regularly. We've even slept together, twice this week. Literally. Slept and cuddled.
I'm feeling better about this at the moment. Although, her tendency to get anxious and hide that until she wants to talk (or act) is a bit too much like my Ex. Nonetheless, I enjoy her company and I actually don't think she's emotionally dependent or demanding. Just some of her coping mechanismss that make me feel / respond with old tapes. Working on that.
To that end, I want to talk to her and gauge how the whole anxiety thing is going. I know a large part of it was the (unexpressed) rivalry / jealousy toward A2. THIS time, I'm going to try and stay OUT of that morass. Each relationship needs to stand on its own. One may rise above the others and become that lifetime / forever thing. But.... all relationships for me right now need to be pretty laid back and easy and undemanding. No expectations. No guilt, etc.
To that end I want to check on that, AND I want to converse about becoming lovers. This could happen just on its own, but I'd much prefer to have talked about it and have us make every attempt for that particular involvement to be fully volitional.
But, I have come to a realization that I would like to take B as a lover. But, by that, I don't intend to give up A2 at this point. Hopefully neither will put me in a precarious or compromizing position.
As I said, each needs to stand on its own.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
About Palin
130 things to think twice about:
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/3/101847/1906/281/584504
"So Sambo beat the bitch", Sarah Palin
http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/
Below is someone who KNOWS what kind of person Sarah Palin really is
I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/3/101847/1906/281/584504
"So Sambo beat the bitch", Sarah Palin
http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/
Below is someone who KNOWS what kind of person Sarah Palin really is
I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
B reappearing
So, what shall I make of this. B popped up today. Called me about 3:00 -- beautiful day, just wanted to say hello, etc, etc.
It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....
I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!
Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.
It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....
I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!
Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.
Poverty, ha!
Well, M's sis called me last night to update me after having dinner with M. UNbelievable!! Some personal intrigue -- M talking about the recent wedding, and how the girl was some more or less shirt-tail relative... kinda.... but not a word about the BF. She also talked about heading up north to a little lake town and bar (but she stopped drinking!!?? supposedly. Ha! Fat chance!) Anyway, she enjoys dancing there, yadayada... again, NOT a word about the BF. Sis found that quite curious....
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!
What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
another round with M
Of course, I expected to get a reaction after sending back her car payment statement with a letter. Still takes a fair bit of energy out of me to deal with her sh**.
She carried on some more about settlement issues, but still doesn't offer any real settlement proposal.
Frustrating!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The crazy Ex
Meanwhile, shit with the crazy Ex popped back up with her crying poverty and claiming she couldn't afford her car payment. Horseshit. She didn't have a portion of the mortgage or rent to pay until July of this year. Where's her money go?? No excuses.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.
I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).
But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.
Things further along with A2
Catching up!! Well, A2 and I spent quite a bit of time together the last few weeks when it was possible. She came up to my town for a mid-week meeting and stayed over last week Wed, then came back to go to a work party with me last Friday night and stayed. Then I headed her way for Saturday night and much of Sunday.... Before that, first weekend of the month, we got together on Saturday night and she tagged along with me to a family reunion on Sunday. She continues to struggle with her feelings (actually, I think the struggle regards accepting the fact that she's having love-like feelings.... she doesn't really know what to do with that aspect of herself...)
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".
Monday, August 11, 2008
things with A2
are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
That was a surprise.
She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.
I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.
I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.
Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.
Letter to B
Well, a card and letter is in the mail. It took 3 rewrites to come close to what I wanted to say. I'm having an interesting reaction -- a little concerned about how B may react, or if I'll hurt her (although I was quite careful with my words), or if she'll feel blamed (again, same comment).
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.
We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.
B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....
That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.
Caution, big time!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
how to tell / convey
my concerns and regrets.... Email seems wrong, somehow. I think I will slide by B's place to check the addy and draw up a letter. Seems better. Why? Responding to a text message about how she's having a hard time finding her peace in the situation between us....
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.
So what to tell B
Here's the issue I'm wrestling with. Having stepped back from the budding relationship with B, I was realizing I had fallen into some unhealthy patterns and responses... NEVER turning down and opportunity to get together (and we'd gotten so we spent almost every available non-work, waking moment together....) which was definitely approaching an unhealthy engulfment...
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...
But I compromised myself.
With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.
A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....
I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.
And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.
So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....
I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.
So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!
Break-ups and catching up
So, this should have been posted on 7/22/08, since the next day after that post I had a conversation with B where she said, "I need to step back from this relationship. I can't maintain my peace of mind. I'm not having fun.... etc".
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.
That was pretty much that....
Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!
A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....
What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??
In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.
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