FB Lifetime match

quiz results interesting.... B has a lot of Virgo in her.... that might be some of the draw.... (might also be like a moth to a flame....)

completed the quiz "Who is your lifetime match?" with the result They are born between 24th August - 23rd September.
You're a big dreamer and in love, you're looking for the one. It's not easy as you find lots of flaws with all the potential lovers that cross your path. But you don't give up hope and continue your quest come hell or high water. As you get older, you lower your expectations and end up telling yourself that perfection maybe doesn't exist after all. You therefore find yourself content with a caring, intelligent and affectionate person (wealth isn't important to you, it's just an accessory that's of no real concern for you). And you love them loads... A bit too much, perhaps! Careful not to smother them. You will make their dreams come true through just being you. They will feel they can show how they really feel to you because of your open nature inspires them to open up to you. Probably only you will know how sensitive, gentle and romantic they can be. They can learn a lot from you. Therefore you complete each other..

Druidcraft tarot A2

Rode my bike, trying to assess and sort thoughts... Feeling weary (and allergic!!).

Did a Druidcraft tarot, hexagram spread regarding matters with A2.

It seems to indicate I need to withdraw a bit and do more inner work... not sure what to make of it.

the cast:

Card 1, apparent, conscious issue
The Hermit

seems to indicate I'm again at a stage where I need to withdraw a bit, retreat, seek guidance, let things take care of themselves as they will. Silence and solitude to refresh the soul.

Card 2, point of tension
10 of Pentacles

talks of balance and blessings (sending and receiving). I almost feel like this card is indicating that there is a barrier aspect of the relationship with A2 that is preventing me from receiving all the blessings that might come my way.

I think it also indicates that this has been a mutually blessed/blessing relationship, but things may be out of balance in some ways.

Card 3, way to resolution
3 of swords

Heartache, potential for transformation. "out of heartache can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love. A love triangle.... temporary separation.... true growth and transformation...."

Card 4, the unrevolved or unconscious inner determinant
10 of swords

May be indicating that "a long-term situation - a relationship - may have come to an end..."

I wonder if I'm unconsciously (or maybe not so unconsciously) gearing up to move the relationship with A2 more to a friendship setting and less a "love" relationship...

Card 5, the pivot of change
King of swords, inverted

talks of the deliberate withholding of information (I take this to also be a reference to A2's reluctance to go "too deep" with the relationship -- her emotional intimacy issues she hasn't faced, and likely won't.

"the ability to communicate clearly and objectively may have become distorted...."

Card 6, the key to harmony
3 of cups, inverted

Points back at the need to pay attention to my inner needs. May be indicating too much focus on the relationship with A2 to the detriment of other interests, opportunities, and neglect of my own, and my inner needs.

Look within.


So this reading starts and ends with a reflection of a need to be more contemplative -- turn inward. Think on things, so to speak.

mulling

I'm tired this a.m.. got nearly 8 hours of sleep, but still tired.

Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...

I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).

But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.

For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.

My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...

I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.

A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....

I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.

A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.

She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.

Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.

I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".

And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.

If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??

I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....

and that continues to be missing... interesting....

concert

was nice... on the other hand, I saw my old love interest there (alone) as I'm there with my date....

Brings up interesting feelings....

I don't know why I seem to be having a hard time completely shaking my feelings for B.

Not sure if I cared for her more than I realized, or am missing a convenient, but interesting, addictive relationship.

I just don't know....

It would be really easy to try and strike something back up... but, I think I need to not do that for a whole host of reasons.... I still don't think it was, or would be, an entirely healthy relationship. Some of that lack of health came from her, some from the relationship dynamics, much from within me within the context of that relationship.

hmmmmm.....

sigh..... A2

I'm a little tired.... a little pensive.... a little bothered. Apparently A2 and I have entered that "expectations" phase of the relationship. Sigh.

I'm not sure how much of it is her wariness of being fully, deeply immersed in a relationship, and how much it's me not quite wanting to go there, yet, with her (or maybe anyone)....

I do think it's too soon to be deep and "permanent" in thoughts....

Anyway, we've seen each other every week / weekend of the month of May, save this one...

So, earlier this week when I saw a concert of interest coming up for tonight, I took the opportunity to make a date for the afternoon and evening with a new lady I've been getting to know.

See, I have been getting mixed signals right along from A2. She acts like we're significant others in certain ways, and yet often she'll make remarks encouraging me to continue to "look", "get the experiences you missed", etc. Or, she'll make remarks that make it plain she expects to be "betrayed" by me (again) sooner or later.

On the later (the again), to mix the message some more, she's remarked a great deal about how she over-reacted and should not have become so upset, etc, etc....

Behavior often says one thing, and her words another.

Meantime, I've quietly been continuing to try and date and make connections. No other sex at this point with anyone. Haven't gotten that far along. Just a group thing with a churchy group (nice people, but I could do without the church blather), and as I mentioned, a new, promising connection from POF.

So, I just spend half hour + on the phone with A2 tonight, after I got home.... She was really, really disappointed at not being invited to the concert, especially since it was for charitable organization the which of she likes to support.

Heard it 4 or 5 times at least....

I need to thing this through a bit....

I feel like I gave her too much info and it bit me.... I had hoped that by referring to "going to a concert with friends", (and having things about the house I was trying to get done), that that would address her hint from yesterday to be invited up with a gentle, oblique decline....

But, she harped a bit on how she would have liked to meet my friends, and she went off on other tangents about how she'd have been willing to put herself up in a hotel to come up and support the concert, and nonsense such as that.

She even went in to the "not worthy" to have a lasting relationship with a man bit that she's gone into a few times.....

I really need to thing about how / what to say and react to here.

I feel like expectations have entered the arena -- an expectation to be together every weekend (nearly), for one (and the primary one)....

raises some issues....

A2, feelings and such

I've been thinking lately about how "on the surface" things seem with A2 and me... basically not a deep, emotional condition.... Having a hard time fully defining the issue. But came across this article today on POF, which helps me understand my current state of mind with her. A2 definitely puts up walls, and walls off her emotions from herself. It takes a toll on having a deeper relationship, that's for certain.



The Secret Psychology That Makes Him Fall For You

By Rori Raye

What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you and makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say—even crave knowing how you feel or what you’re inner world is like?

A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.

He falls in love with you because he feels safe expressing his innermost, private feelings with you. He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way. All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.

This is what happens to a man when he goes from feeling affection or admiration for you to feeling genuine love.

This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the title of this article.

I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (and men). It’s rare that either you or he will know exactly why he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.

Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love. We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. Especially giving.

So we do things for him. We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacey lingerie. We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what we want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.

We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.

And still he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to. Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.

This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his heart. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level—his feelings.

So, how do you connect with a man’s feelings? I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.

When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you’ve read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.

You chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy. EMOTIONS.

You share everything but who you are.

You put up walls with him without even knowing you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit telling him how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime. Or, maybe you don’t even pay attention to your own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend. But if you were to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.

It seems like such a simple thing. But for so many of us, it’s such a counter-intuitive thing. It’s difficult. We’re not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures. So many of us are programmed to be doing, thinking, managing and worrying all the time. These are qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a “friend” than his lover.

When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual feeling creature, you become what I call a “siren” around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be…an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the outside.

That is the secret to what makes him fall for you.

You can find out more about how to do what works to make a man fall in love with you and avoid doing the things that actually push a man away by signing up for Rori Raye’s free newsletters at HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. They’re filled with proven Tools she developed to turn her own love life around many years ago, Tools she still uses every day and teaches to her clients so they can keep their relationships strong.

Catching up -- end of a love affair

I ended my first love affair last friday -- the day before V day!! I didn't intend the timing, but B posed questions that led inevitably to conversation that effectively, but without hostility, ended that love affair.

I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....

She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.

Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.

Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....

Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.

A2 closer than ever

So, especially considering I had ceased the "torn between two" situation... and that I'd already pretty much made up my mind that A2 was the more important relationship to me....

I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....

While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."

One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".

It also became clear that she was feeling closer....

My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."

An eventful weekend

Friday, day before Valentine's day, B here in town and talked on the phone a couple times, noon, and roughly 4:00. Long story short, it was our break-up conversation(s).

First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."

Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....

Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....

She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.

Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...

6 word memoir

Lots to post, but for now, I just want to do my own 6 word memoir of love and heartbreak (NPR) inspired by Smithmag).

Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.

Mine:

I erred in love never again

seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!

Bad moon rising

wow.... A2 caught me with B last thursday. Past few days resolved well, though, between me and A2.

Just recording a quick note about it....

and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....

Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.

The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.

Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009

Flying by each other I guess

Well, the first difficult conversation occurred over the last half hour or so.

From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.

That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.

A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.

She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....

Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.

But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....

So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.

Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...

She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.

We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....

But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....

Busted? Likely

Well, talk about awkward. A2 stopped at my house this a.m. at 9:30, somewhat unexpectedly. I expected her to stop by sometime this afternoon or evening maybe. But not this a.m.. and, as luck would have it, B's car was in the driveway with my truck. I got 3 very perplexed voicemails.

It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.

I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.

Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:

A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009

Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!

Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:

Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009

Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009

dream notes

Interesting dream just this a.m.... I meant to let it continue, but something woke me.

Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.

As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s

Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.

A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.

I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.

I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.

D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).

D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....

Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....

Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"

I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....

strange!!

by golly, I have jealous feelings, too!

Well, this is quite interesting to me as I explore new aspects of life and of my self. For the SECOND time in recent memory, I ACTUALLY FEEL A BIT JEALOUS of B's involvement with another(s).

It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....

This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."

Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....

Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....

Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.

Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...

and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!

This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.

I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)

But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....

Too, too interesting.

What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.

For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....

Before the holiday

(catch up).... before the holiday, which I'm spending with my grand-D, etc, out of state, B and I spent quite a little time together in the week before I left.... No sex, simply hanging out, enjoying company, cuddling for the night, etc....

The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.

Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....

As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).

Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.

But the fuse was lit....

About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??

I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".

THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.

Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.

In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.

She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).

Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....

Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....

I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.

I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.

So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....

Day after plus

Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)

Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm

Hexagram spread of the Druid Craft tarot re: B

card 1 - two of cups -- the apparent, conscious issue.

card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension

Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution

card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.

Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change

Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony

I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.

The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!

The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".

The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."

The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.

Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.

Ebb and flow with B

I feel like B is detached again.... and I'm tending, as usual, toward some of my PTSD-based reactions (per my therapist yesterday). I need to communicate more actively and directly and quit avoiding the prospect of difficult conversations. My T suggested asking outright, courteously worded questions, and perhaps challenging B a bit -- like over the "issues" arising over the (last) weekend and some assumptions B made and her corresponding reactions....

T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....

Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.

So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....

Amaryllis

Mostly a placeholder.... some days / couple weeks ago, B channelled one of my key guides--
Amaryllis.

I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....

strange, strange mood

I am in the oddest mood tonight..... B stayed over last night. Very cuddly. Was quite late when we got in... she did some massage and healing work on me which was beneficial... nonsexual (a bit of good natured teasing, but no sex).... and none this a.m., but quite cuddly and loving all around. She hung out til almost noon. Thing is, sshe got razzed up and didn't really sleep until almost 4 a.m. I tried not to let it bother my sleep, but it was more costly to my sleep than I realized.... sort of dragged me out all day today.

We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....

Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.

I hardly know what to make of that!!

And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....

Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....