So easy doubt

 Couldn't recall if I actually specified in the last entry what happened to jazz me up, in a negative way... 

I'm really sorry to already see signs of insecurity and relationship anxiety and worry when 1) B hasn't even met DD and 2) the woman isn't yet a neighbor. 

I do hope B can get past that - she's nothing to worry about so far as I am concerned. I'm very committed to this marriage. 

I hope she finds a friend and not a rival. 

I told her in response to her worried inquiry that I don't think it's appropriate for ME to be friends (on my own) with DD. It's either got to be B and DD with me as the third wheel, OR me and B and DD as friendly acquaintances / neighbors. 

But I'm sure as heck not going to get into a position deliberately that would have B constantly anxious because I'm around DD so much or whatever might transpire. 

I'll keep B informed and in the loop, certainly won't have clandestine and private communications or such. 

Nope. 

Oh fuck, she "went there"

 Goddamn it all to hell. 

We are soon (by the end of July) to have new neighbor. A nice lady named Deb....who is, god forbid, MY age, single, and fairly attractive. She's slender, well coiffed. Pretty outgoing, maybe extroverted. Bit of an over-sharer. But, by and large Deb seems like "a catch" for someone. 

B hasn't even me her yet. Her mood disorder flaring up from Thursday onward really prevented any introductory steps, sigh. 

For me, I've noted she's attractive. But also that she has some maladies (back) that are similar to B's. 

Regardless, I've been pretty certain and chagrined that when B finally meets Deb, she'll see her as a rival and potential sexual interest or more of mine. Never mind I committed to be faithful and bound to our "vows" and general rules. Beth is fucking hardwired to be fearful of losing her primary relationship... which, BTW, poisons the damned primary relationship. 

A little background - B has been crashing and bouncing relative to mood and depression since last Thursday. She's also NEVER really found herself totally in a place where she can believe i won't stray - even though I HAVE NO HISTORY OF CHEATING within my prior long term relationship nor this one. 

So, what brought this shit to the fore? Apparently, last night after it was lights out and we both were headed to bed, B observed a light on in the dining area, thought I'd left it on, or such, and witnessed me "doing something with my phone". I truly don't know what I might have been doing. Maybe reading at a new book, or seaching Google. What the ever! 

But, OF COURSE, she "went there" as she further inquired and wondered if I'd been texting with Deb and maybe having regular interaction. I assured her (truthfully) that I hadn't had any more direct conversation with Deb since Sunday when she knocked on our door. I did send an innocuous neighborly email, but not at the timeframe in question. 

So, to get to the REAL point - I am kind of pissed off. A lot is missing in the ticket. But it's also a frustration 

My own trials and triggers

 Not to miss a large part of why I'm roiled... 

B gets off her center. Quiet. Withdrawn. Perceptably upset even when she thinks not. 

Me, being the the codependent, caretaker I am - I search myself for blame, feel unnerved and disquieted until I "fix it" or the matter otherwise passes.... 

At least I understand these days, and have for years, what is going on inside me. Active, cognitive choices that I work through as best I can. 

Summary

PM triggers B; B triggers me; I help fix something, slightly better; something else triggers B; which triggers me; constant circular self examination thought pattern. 

So much fun!! 

Tree work, wake up!

 Oh yeah, 

Apparently DD is helping her new neighbor to the north (crazy dude) with getting some critical tree work done - issues with an old Norway maple that could result in damage to DD's place. I think, not sure, the noise and commotion may commence this morning, a Sunday, at 9ish. Which could wake B which won't be popular.... 

Oh well, what do you do... sigh. 

Mix of things

 Honestly not sure how coherent last night's post is - it was late and I was venting and getting thoughts out. Of course, the nature of journaling is that it can me whatever.... 

Just registered. that I'ved mixed this blog which started with my really crazy Ex - M, with entries for years as well about B. The latter mainly depressive and easily knocked off her emotional center. I also have the other blog that I suppose I meant for all things between B and me. Plenty of entries there. No way, I suppose to move entries from one to the other. Ugh. 

Oh well, the fact is I often feel like I'm back in Oz with B. But I have a better handle on my own thoughts and reactions and bases for same. 

On to the real bitching and moaning. 

So I mentioned the new neighbor, B really should meet. Prospect of friendship right nearby which would do a world of good I think. 

But... Thursday when I met her and tried to arrange a friendly drink dinner "on the H deck" B wasn't up to it because she was overwrought by her upset over the email she received from her practice manager about concerns that might result in having to reprocess claims. Don't need to go into a lot about that, other than the PM triggers B. 

Friday, I was able to sort out that B HAD sent proper, timely notice of a change in practice location in late February with arrangements to commence billing under that location as of 5/12. So, any screw up is on the PM company. 

That wasn't really enough to get B back on center and able to meet a new person. So, couldn't invite DD to go with us Friday evening. 

Yesterday, DD knocked on the door about 10AM to say thanks again, with a note as well for the both of us to give her full contact details and again talk about how she's soon to be a neighbor. 

B talked with Ann our neighbor briefly - family is next door to DD's new place. Ann described DD as very extroverted and talkative. That made B a little wary since she's an introvert (as am I, but not in this circumstance). "Hope she doesn't turn out to be a pain in the ass". "Who comes unannounced at 10 in the morning an knocks on the door". I just responded that seemed like normal neighbor stuff to me, and that DD is just excited at the place and the welcomes so far. 

Pretty good emotional state overall on Saturday until the skidding stop / near collision. That crashed her mood. 

We went to the Jazz fest anyway for a couple hours, but again she really wasn't up from that crash, so no progress on meeting. 

At this point I'm conceding I can't do much more to help the meet happen. It will just have to be something that happens organically and under B's own efforts and on her terms. 

Hope for the best. 

I know I'll be able to be friendly and neighborly, but I CANNOT be a friend with DD on a stand alone basis. That would surely be felt as threatening to our relationship, so that's not going to be something I can allow myself to do....

It's either two-way (primarily) with B and D, or that plus 1 (me). 

Enough of all this. On to Sunday.... 

almost too much, have to will it through

 I see in my post last Fall, allusions to what I find troubling me now at 11:30 pm Saturday night. The mood disorder, particularly (apparently) severe, ongoing, treatment resistant depression, plus latent PTSD that B deals with..... sigh. 

Background: 

• Each of us has few friends, and none close and dependable. We'd each like to change that. Though I think it may be more important for B than for me. But only slightly that. 
• B's not been able to sustain the non-pharmaceutial approach to her depression (prior post). She'd gone through a protocol to wean off Prozac, tried Lexapro and had great results moodwise, but awful aggravatio of her irritable bowel issues. Had to go back to Prozac and due to continued severe depression, she's now ramped up to 50 mg day. I'd say it barely keeps her mood manageable!!
• Not long ago, B expressed a worry that sooner or later with all her health issues and emotional challenges, I'd finally find her and all that to be "just too much". I offered assurances, and did so honestly at the time. 
• Neighboring house went up for sale. A rather attractive woman from Maine has made a strong bid to buy it. I've already engaged with her. She seems quite bright, expressively, some might call her extroverted, but I don't know her enough yet to say. She's thrilled at the welcome expressed by me and other near neighbors. 
• I am afraid the new neighbor is vivacious and attractive enough for B to feel a threat. So, I worry about that. I made my choice about a relationship going forward in late 2012, married in 2013. I don't intend to fuck up the marriage in such a way. But, she'll find it hard to believe I'm not interested, attracted, all that....
• B had a terrible auto accident 30 or so years ago and carries trauma from that. 
• due to her upbringing, B is super susceptible to passive-aggression.....
• B could really use a female friend her age, and the new neighbor is the right age and I've been optimistic that they might become thick and close. 

Events last couple days:

Updates in some professional / credentialing sites I did for B relative to her profession resulted in an email from her third party practice manager.  The email seemed to indicate some claims handling could be messed up due to the change. Implication was that B (and me, by extension) had messed things up. 

B got very anxious and upset at the email and the possiblity that claims billings were AGAIN fucked up. Was on tenderhooks until yesterday when I helped locate an email thread that would indicate the contractor fucked up, not B. 

That made the scenario marginally better, but B has continued to fuss and discuss and process emotionally and rationally.

We've had aborted attempts to have B meet new neighbor. Too upset the first day (Thur) due to the unpleasantness with the third party practice manager (as perceived). Not much better on Friday.... Had hopes for today, Saturday....

Well, all was as well as can be expected with a functioning depressive.... 

During a drive back from late lunch and one round, I had to make a skidding, emergency stop to try and avoid a collision. B was very upset (accident PTSD) which is understandable. 

B became down and withdrawn, can't cognitively work her way out. And withdrawal by my partner is a trigger for me;

B didn't shake it, so we didn't end up having her meet the new neighbor yet again. 

Other background:

Young neighbor wife in discussing new neighbor described her as " very extroverted" and very talkative. that made B worry that new neighbor might be a PITA. And also, a worry for her (B: and me, if you want to go there) is that we are introverted, so an outright extrovert may be very difficult to cope with. 

Point of this journaling: How I am feeling after all this. 

I was having to battle with myself over B's withdrawal after the skidding, and her quietness. "My fault" "I did something" ""gotta fix what's going on". Those sorts of quaint clothing questions. 

Lastly, yeah, watching B barely tolerate me; B needing a friend but not able to break loose of her emtional straitjacket.

Yeah, the throught DID cross my mind tonight that it's too much and feeling a pang of the doubt and more, emotional betrayal. 

First the time I can recall that the throught (rejected) of ending the marriage (due to all this emotional distress and such) ever floated into consciousness.

My choice of things to do about that is to acknowledge the thought, give myself grace, and move on. 

Microexpressions and non-responses

  Ugh. Contemplating that of late, I'm feeling a bit anxious within the marriage / relationship. Seems like I often have anxiety over the possibility I might offend, upset, or "hurt" B - all are pretty easy to do, sigh. Or anxious in the evening, at bedtime that I have already and there'll be a price to pay. 

We both come from some pathological places. Not sociopathic, just some patterns from childhood and other relationships that spill over into "US". 

Plus, we are both really good at noticing (and taking responsibility for micro expressions and the emotions behind them.... even if no words are exchanged. 

I suspect part of what I'm encountering is B's continuing mood struggle. She's trying life without any SSRI and that's making her more anxious and irritable.... 

Not really much to do with all this. Just acknowledging and noting the feelings and experience. 

Realized I have left something out.... It's clear (too often) that B is regularly concerned / anxious about making me "mad" or angry.... Similar set of feelings for her. One trouble beyond, though, is that she can take the most minor statement or expression of irritation as my being "really angry" and usually "at me". Etc. It's rare I'm really, truly angry at her. And infrequent that I get particularly angry at all. I've mellowed with age.... 

NOT mad at YOU, just MAD!

 Posted to the wrong blog a few weeks back. Dammit. 

 Stupid little fubar... microwave had overheated. Thinking MAYBE B had left a stove burner on a bit too long.... 

realized the microwave had shut down (thermal protection) just before I meant to put my steel cut oats in for overnight oats. 

Had to remove a half bushel of napkins, dish towels, and other linens and felt pretty PISSED. WHY would two people need SO many of ANY of that shit?? Unbelievable how many dish rags, towels, placemats, and sundry shit was in the cupboard and in my way of the damned outlet to check. Fuck! 

Had to find something to test for current at the outlet. Fuss with a step stool. Generally just shitty and pissy and feeling like FUUUUUCCKKK!!! 

Of COURSE B would wonder out as I'm trying to be withdrawn and NOT show my pique. She must have tried 3-4 different ways to be the REASON the microwave had shut down. I.DID.NOT WANT.TO.LAY.IT.AT HER.FEET. 

Even if it was a burner left on a bit too long (lighting a joint). Who the FUCK cares. 

I KNOW she's extremely sensitive to pique or anger and I was TRYING to keep it to myself! 

But NOOOOOO..... 

Goddammit. 

Couldn't leave it alone..... 

She's "gone to bed" (avoiding a fight, which is good).... but she sure as HELL could have left the whole matter alone for fuck's sake. Just let me recover the way I needed to.....

After all, she apparently needs someone who is MILD MANNERED and nonplussed no matter the fuck what. 

JFC. 

Not happy!!

Birthday, mixed feelings, relationship(s).... sigh

 My 66th tomorrow. Mixed feelings about a variety of things. For starters, the realization that today is my first birthday without my mother who passed last January. It's a little sad to realize.... She wasn't capable of getting and sending a card the last couple years of her life, or of calling me on her own really for that matter. But those last couple years I'm sure I called her and acknowledged the day with her. Last few times I reminded her that I was her "oldest, smartest, and best looking kid...." which always gave her a laugh. 

Second thing on my mind is my wife and her over-sensitivity. Had one of "those" moments yesterday, completely out of the damned blue. Something triggered a memory for her of us having been on a date to BW3, which I didn't particularly recall... upon which she instantly recollected that there was another time there where "you stood me up". Sigh. Upon sleep and reflection I do recall a dinner there. But nothing memorable. But EVERY damned thing is memorable to B because (I think) she's constantly in an emotionally hurting or troubled place inside. They say memories are a combination of event plus emotion. So she has LOTS where me, not being terribly emotional... have many fewer. 

I also realize (different subject now) there are regularly instances where I need to be more verbal. In this case it's about bubbly and about intimate times (opportunity for that anyway) that "could happen later. I know with the latter I tend to be reserved as such usually does not pan out. 

I guess "it is what it is...."

financial conversations spook me a lot!

 Well this is interesting. I see the last time my blog was almost exactly a year ago corresponded with our anniversary. Which is tomorrow. But I like that time I'm not having negative feelings and troublesome understandings about B. this is more about how interesting it is that certain conversations or situations bring on an anxious response for me.

So the backstory is that my wife had to have reconstruction of her upper front teeth at a cost of 8000 or so dollars to the periodontist, and $6600 to her dentist for four implants. I paid the $8000 because my resources are much greater than hers and she seemed to need that help. I do remember with some chagrin that when I offered to help her with the cost meaning something different in my mind like maybe 1/3 of the cost, she interpreted it as offering to pay at least half. Fortunately at this point in life I am able to be that generous.

Her general dentist wanted at least half of that bill paid and I agreed to loan my wife the money and take advantage of a very low interest charge offer on one of my credit cards. That bill becomes due in July and if not paid off incur way too much interest. She still seems to be concerned about how she will pay her portion of this treatment. And I have offered to bridge the situation further if needed.

I just today let her know about the July due date. And she wanted to know if I was asking her to pay me back by then. Again I don't want to be on empathetic or on generous. And I simply repeated that if necessary I could move assets and continue to let her take some time. The conversation was in no way negative or confrontational and I have a little reason to react poorly other than my past history in other relationships perhaps.

I observed that my anxiety level and blood pressure I think both went up after we concluded that conversation. And I even observed some muscular tension that occurred in my body.

Obviously we need to be able to talk about money matters, and I sure hope I get a handle on my nerves.

Not a lot more I want to express with this blog other than I'm glad that I have come to a point where I can observe and contemplate some of my reactions instead of letting them run away with me.

your anxieties don't need to be mine

Just noting that all the upset expressed poorly below passed quickly and tomorrow we celebrate #8. Guess we're managing after all.... 

It's our seventh anniversary I'm headed asleep I'm headed asleep Little bit of a troubled mind. When it comes to her anxieties and troubles particularly about our current particularly about our current Covid 19 circumstances it seems like Beth wants me to have the same this Seems like Beth wants me to have  troubled mind that she does..

In many ways I find Beth to be a bit narcissistic. She really doesn't tend to take my tend to take my thoughts and feelings into account fairy world thoughts and feelings into account very well.

She listens to too many details of our distressing timesIncluding NPR and television reports.It all makes her quite anxiousAnd distressed. But she won't stop listening to those sources.

I am now very upsetBecause for at least the second timeHey maybe the third timeSince I found it impossible call my mother,She has asked me if I've talked with my mother lately. Rationally, She must know that if I talk with my mother I would mention that.It troubles meBut she cannot suppress her anxiousFeelingsAbout my motherAm I communicating with her. I'm not sure quite how to express what I feel.I do not feel supported.

It is not useful to meTo think aboutHow difficult it is for me to reach my mother right now.It is doneUseful or supportiveAsk me if I've heard from been able To talk to my mother lately

I just feel like she wants me to be as anxious as she is.

I told her straight outThat I generally have a positive and optimistic outlook.What she's doing in making untoward inquires (forgtting my previous info or waheaver) does not contribute to generally positive frame I try to stay within

It's really very troubling. And, truth be told, I am very bothered almost to the the point of wanting to end the relationship as insufficient for my needs...

It does feel much of the time like it's a one way situation with my meeting her needs and being sensitive to her feelings and such. But not really vice versa.

Happy fucking anniversary.

Little bump on road to FL

Mom in FL in AL. Brother there not much help. So B and I (really just me, financially) have bought a mobile home nearby. I'll be going down for a few weeks in the spring. Had made an observation could stretch into a couple months.

I've been expecting B to get a bit anxious about such a separation. I've also been hoping our relationship is steady and resilient enough now.... but who knows.

Yesterday after I ordered a pillow and an egg cooker for the new place, she got some of those doubt-filled feelings going. "You're headed to FL to make a whole new life and I'll still be here..."

We talked it through pretty constructively.

I'm really not bothered by it; nor surprised. A little disappointed I suppose. But not surprised.

I do know I can't bear my own feelings of loss and care taking of a failing mom and to constantly reassure B. So, we'll have to figure that out.

not a theme

Just noting, maybe too optimistically, that it's been a couple year since I posted....

Whatever that might indicate.

I am in a pretty negative space.....

Maybe forward alone would be the better choice.

Financially, B is a burden.

Emotionally, again, I must be circumspect.

It is tiresome.

I feel very discouraged as I write this.

OTHO I have had enough to drink to make me not trust my momentary feelings....

Constant negative thoughts are hard

context motorhome, toad, vacation. Whatever.

B dwells in some negative places.

I cognitively strive to be in a positive place by and large.

When B's negative, depressed, etc, mood/self has sway, I find it quite difficult.

I am acknowledging a feeling of wanting to just cut it off. Stop. Accommodating.

Stop.Being Careful not to offend or trigger.

I generally have a positive and forward looking point of view.

She often does not.

At the moment I have thoughts of ending this marriage and relationship.

I trust that dawn will lead us to a better place.

Lovely, just lovely

Yipe. A nasty fight just popped up. Just in time for a long weekend. Might spend it alone. Oh well.

Tired, sleepy, drowsy....

"Too many carbs"

"Yeah, sure" or something similar, in an almost doubtful voice, at least as I heard it.

"What?? "

"Yeah, I was agreeing. Lots of carbs.... You headed to bed or staying up or what?"

"Maybe I should brush my teeth and give up for the night"

B in the bathroom. Me, fold down bed clothes, get into bed.... very fatigued. Ready to surrender to sleep.

I think she's still in the bathroom and am getting situated into bed. All of of sudden there is a figure next to the bed, "Good night". Gives me a start. "Uhhhh!!!!"

B, stricken, scared, upset look.... storms out of the bedroom.

I collect myself a moment, get dressed, come out to try and make peace, tamp down whatever upset....

"I just said 'good night'." with some degree of attitude.

"I know."

"You were mad at me for no reason."

"What??!!!" Now, I'm upset. Slam the bedroom door. Angry.

Come back out, she's dressing, packing, headed to her apartment....

"You're drunk". "I'm not." "Something...."

"Slamming door like you're 6 y.o.".

Me, worried she shouldn't be driving... but not about to try and stop her.

I don't feel like she gave me much consideration or understanding at all.

Misinterpreted the earlier interaction about carbs.

Weird shit all around.

Mismatched memory; poor communication

Feeling a little hungover from conflict. Yesterday, B went to our therapist and happened to mention concerns she had about memory lapses or missing memories. The T asked for an example, which led B to reflect on an exchange we had a week or so ago about a long-ago date memory. She had no memory of it; I was adamant (and really should not have been) that she and I had been at this restaurant, etc, but quite some time ago. 

So, to go back to that - she wondered who a local jazz musician was that is part of an upcoming event. I pleasantly said, "Oh, you remember Joe. We saw him at CG. He's the sax player at the University...." Well, she remembered nonesuch and lightly commented that I probably went there with someone else and was mixed up. She put it lightly and without accusation.... but I got pretty insistent - then we both got a bit stubborn about it. But, after a short interaction, she said, "Well, I really don't remember it and I'm just not going to let it bother me..." or words to that effect. 

The next morning, after sleeping upon it, I realized I wasn't certain that I HAD taken B to the restaurant, etc..... But, it seemed like a relatively minor matter and, since it likely did involve my wayback time with A2, I was wary to mention it again on my own volition. 

B said nothing further about being bothered about "another" memory claim I made that she could not recollect. 

But she was very upset yesterday when, after her session, she asked me, "How sure are you that we sent to CG and all that??" whereupon I did finally share my utter lack of surety. 

She quickly escalated in temper and upset and claimed that I had intentionally deceived her by omission. 

The phone conversation was unpleasant and took an hour. The evening was also not pleasant. She nearly left. 

She also was determined to drive, although she'd had two glasses of wine, and I tried not to let her. Bumped into a parked car with her bumper. Not sure that it did any damage. Drove angrily and a bit poorly.  Admitted the car accident from the summer, and then what just happened, pushes her toward strong feelings of incompetence and that I think she's just a fuck-up. 

Fortunately, she did not try to drive to her apartment. 

This morning was peaceful enough, but she apparently has either an IBS breakout or the gastro thing that's going around.

Not surprised the negative interaction coincides with coming down with something. That is a common correlation for her. 

Also heard the oft-said, "just when I was really trusting again" stuff..... 

and more, but I have no need to vent about it further. 

Trauma sure runs deep

Trying to step back and just observe this feeling... but wow. My fiance' and I had some interaction this morning that probably should NOT trouble my mind and spirit, but it is. We're only a month from being married, by the way. 

So, we're due to take off on a vacation in a week. Well, I thought we were agreed to start out next Thursday - basically a 2 day drive to get to where we are going. She said, "No, I have to work on Thursday. You said we were leaving on the 28th. On Friday." "Honey, Friday is the 29th. Thursday is the 28th.... but it's OK. We can adjust."

Well, she got very frustrated, visibly upset. I tried to be reassuring that it was OK, that we'd be fine to adjust plans. And I stated that I wasn't sure if our conversations had not been complete, (thought to myself, "or maybe you just didn't listen") but she continued to express frustration.

She says it's with herself - that no matter what, she ALWAYS gets mixed up on our travel plan arrangements. She went on to state she's just quite frustrated with a number of things. I said, "with us?" and she said no, with other stuff.

I'm finding, not surprisingly, that I'm not completely buying that it's not frustration with me or us, at least not buying that emotionally.

OTOH, I should take her at her word as much as possible.

Which leads me to realizing that a LOT of what I'm feeling is an old tape(s) playing from the dark days with M.

Can't really talk about this with B, as it would be far too easy for her to feel or take blame or responsibility for my feelings - and that's not constructive.

Instead turning to this journal.

Good that it's been a while.

Hopefully I can shake this grey mood in short order. 

Especially since I really do think it's primarily old trauma rattling around after being triggered.

I don't have to let that control me or dictate my mood!! 

And I am looking forward to vacation WHENEVER we leave and get there!! NOLA!!

Nonsense

Last night and this morning felt a little tense and troubled to me, if that's not already obvious. I'm almost thinking it got triggered primarily last night when B asked about a meeting notification that had been sitting out in the open for her to see and to remind me of for a city related reception tonight.  

"You haven't said anything but from that notice on the counter it looks like you have a meeting tomorrow night"

I replied that I hadn't thought real hard about it, went out and looked, and then came back and said, "yeah, I probably should plan to go". That was the end of it. But the remainder of the evening seemed a little strained from her direction. 

Makes me feel like I can't have pre-approved/arranged time out.... 

And I was probably being a little avoidant. 

After all, most of the past ten days since I first received that notice, has been strained and troubled over my need to go to my old hometown, etc.... 

And then this morning she makes her "nothing is really changing" remark - so we don't need to go to therapy.... 

humph. 

WTF now

Well my dear journal. Here we are again. Trying to cope with wonky feelings out of a partner. Today, just before I was leaving for work, B suggested canceling therapy because "nothing is really changing." whatever the hell that means. Mind you she was "willing to go if you have some things you want to talk about".

What's to talk about. Over the past ten days, her behaviors and anxieties and insecurities swelled up at an utterly inappropriate time imho. I was informed of the loss of a cherished teacher whom I have remained loosely in touch with for over 30 years. His passing hurts. It was only reasonable that I would want to go to the associated visitation and funeral, and yes, preferably, by myself. B doesn't know anyone in my old home town. She'd not have enjoyed the challenge of engaging strangers and waiting patiently as I caught up with old friends and acquaintances. And I would not have cared to worry more about her comfortability than my own needs to talk and reminisce.

This should NOT have been difficult - for me to take an overnight and a day away from her for a visitation and funeral. And yet, she had the usual crisis of confidence in the relationship. Wondering over and over if I would just be looking/finding some old friend to get involved with like Sarah. My god. I understood the doubt that would be raised if I visit FL by myself since that's where Sarah lives. But THIS?? Are you kidding.

So, yes, the situation has introduced significant doubt into my mind about the viability of the relationship. Feelings I have kept at bay by force of will when they were simply reactions to an understandable situation. But this. This is hard to understand.

My orientation is that she should eventually get over the feeling of betrayal and mistrust - after all, the matter occurred over 3 years ago now. And while I had dinner and shared long conversation, and that in secret, nothing more happened or was even GOING to happen. But the T says it might be that B can never get over it. OK. So how does a couple live with that?

For B's part, she's mentioned that she's trying to move to a place where she just accepts that "whatever happens, happens" that she has no control and no reason to expect something.... not sure what - fidelity? Honesty?  I'm not sure what she thinks she should just get on with accepting and not trying any longer to change or make different.

I don't quite know what to think at this point.

I'm having repeats of feelings and needs to cope that harken back to M in a big way.

This isn't good.

And we don't need to see the T?

I guess I can concede - I'm not sure what we'd talk about at this point and how we'd do it in just one hour. My hurt? B already knows of that. My thoughts that we ought to be at a place of trust and honesty (but do not seem to be) and hers that we can never get there and that I continue to keep info closeted? Already know that.

Her new relationship fatalism that arises off and on? I presume she'll talk to her own T about that.

I just don't know. I hate the idea that we can't make this work and it might need to just end and both of us move on. That's a pain in the ass. But maybe, due apparently to my misjudgment 3 years ago, this relationship is just fatally flawed.

Ah the telephone thing. Again

So, at the therapy session, the T surprised us both with her attitude about snooping on the partner's email (and by extension, phone). T's attitude was, "Whatever you need to do to deal with your trust questions/issues". 

So.... another union leader called me yesterday to see if I was interested in a committee position. That call came from Traverse City. 

B met my TC friend (more like former friend) some weeks back at a house party. TC and I scarcely talked. Anyway, B did comment and ask about it afterward. "You dated her some didn't you?" I stated that no, I would not really consider anything we did to be dating. Merely had been friends for a time.... 

Well, when I got the call and got done, I left it in my call log thinking, "I wonder if this will cause an issue"..... 

Sure enough.... 

"I'm going to ask you a question  you're not going to like...." OK

"I saw a call on your phone with a 231 area code. Did you call TC because you're unhappy with me?" 

Nope. Then I explained who called and the nature of the call, incoming. 

B then apologized for the suspicion. 

I'm trying to be not too bothered about it, but I am a little bit. Hence my journaling. 

Fact is about TC that I would NOT call her unless I was altogether out of a relationship. I'm not sure my call would be welcome. And I know it would take a serious period of friendship first before anything there could be possible.... And, frankly, TC is a little crazy too I think. I'd have to think long and hard and be careful about getting too involved, methinks. 

She's lovely. Very slender, almost anorexic looking, vegetarian, exercises excessively. I suspect compulsions are involved with the eating and the exercise.... and for relationships....well, I don't think she's terribly well-adjusted in that area.... 

Nuff said.