B unhappy

Well, last night B initiated a pretty rough conversation where she outlined her continuing fears and her unhappiness in the house, if not the relationship as a whole. Much of the same thing that has come out previously - typical emotional rehash... but christ, it just will not go away.

Near as I can tell she still feels as if she walks on eggshells around the house and has to work hard to "stay out of the way" "not use too much water" on and on. 

She made it clear that she's become a bit fearful that I might be waiting for the upcoming extended time off, and with her going in to therapy, to go on and end the relationship. I told her I had not been thinking to do that.... but upon some slight reflection, it is a thought....

The financial mismatch came up of course....

And, oh yes, apparently unavoidably with the typical American woman - the subject of (not) getting married. Apparently she's not nearly as comfortable in the nonmarital status as she's led me to believe. Hmmm... been there, done that.

So, I do have to admit here that it crosses my mind that with her getting back into therapy, it may prove out that it isn't possible for the two of us to have a long term relationship. That's crossed my mind as she repeatedly committed to getting in to therapy.... but the thought was after some time passed to see how things might or might not improve.

I know we tend toward a bit of codependent patterns. I am often finding myself avoiding X, Y or Z so as not to upset her or hurt her feelings. She'd say the same thing back I suppose.

I was a little surprised that she apparently sometimes stays away from the house longer than she wants to to give me some space (gosh, it might have been nice to KNOW that!!).

The list goes on.

Truth is I don't have enough personal emotional or physical space, but I've been reluctant to state a need because of her constant fearsomeness of my being unfaithful and all that jazz.  Alone time known to me would be nice....

I've been concerned that she used to need some alone time too, but hasn't pursued any such that I can think of in the last couple years.

I hear nothing of her seeing friends for lunch, no plans to take some time out with a lady friend (or gentleman for that matter) to do something.....

I'm not comfortable doing that for my part - but she supposedly has the connections to exercise now and again. I don't really have much connection socially to draw on. Maybe could develop if worked upon, but not really existent at this point.

Bottom line is that there is a bit too much not-quite-borderline stuff going on with her. Plus fibro; regular emotional crises; etc.

It is hard to see this going long long term.... It's also hard to see it ending and starting over.

In many ways, at our age, a relationship that is "good enough" really is....

All is not well but not bad with B

Last week B and I had a kind of nasty phone discussion - the usual anxiousness stuff. I don't recollect all the particulars, except that she had become concerned the night before in a discussion about holiday time off that I wanted to go out of town by myself but didn't want to say so.

I told her clearly and cogently that that had not entered my mind, frankly because to even "go there" would cause too many problems -- so I don't entertain such thoughts.

But the conversation got pressed a bit, and without much further ado, kicked off a pretty serious PTSD for me. It frankly has stuck with me a little bit.

Even today, actually a week later and almost to the hour, she called this time "just to say hi" because she'd been quite tired and in bed when I left.... But I answered with wariness, and after I hung up, I realized that I have come to associate mid-morning calls from B with issues and anxieties and upset.

This is NOT good.

The fact of the matter is there is quite a bit, and more all the time, about B that reminds me of M and makes me concerned that I am back in some of the same patterns as I've had in the past.

I am TRYING however to be patient (yet again within a relationship) because B is just this week starting in on some mental health therapy.

I am frankly not sure what I think or where my thoughts might go at this point given free range.

I THINK that in terms of 50+ y.o. people, we're neither of us terribly irredeemedly damaged. But, more and more I'm questioning the match.

And yet, I think there is goodness here as well.

And I'm reluctant to wade back into the dating waters.... There are those I'd consider. T-city, V on my local board, maybe Heather who works for the union office.... (except she has a teen).

But a big part of me would just like this to work out with B because it's really the path of least resistance, and I know she'd be a good caretaker for me should that day come.... And as a man with a more than slight potential of Alzheimer's, knowing I'd have a good, dedicated woman to help care for me is no small consideration! 

But then, T city would be that way too.... Shrug. 

Sunday night past (catch up post)

Interesting experience last Sunday night. Concert night. M had contacted me a couple weeks prior wondering when the next Chorale concert might be and speaking of how it had been a long time since she'd heard us.... Then asked for 2 tix and said she would plan to be there.  Fine with me, and I also let B know and she was ok with it too.... So, with 2 tix, I figured M must be bringing a date. I thought it was interesting that she had finally surfaced in this way. It's actually been a while since I got any crazy messages of any sort from her. They've been few and civil and curt. But not crazy. So, I thought that might be some marginal life progress, LOL. And, as long as she was coming this way, I put in an order for soap and lotion.

So, during the concert, I observed that much of the time M had a pretty grim look on her face. Clearly looked stressed.... I suspect she thought it would be "easier" than it apparently was on her emotionally to be there.  I also observed that I recognized her date!!

After the concert ended, at the back of the church I encountered her and her date (B was likely in the other room or with her mother.....). M courteously introduced Dan (I had recollected his name began with D). I didn't let on that I had met him in the past and he didn't say anything to that effect either. (He had dated a tall, pretty soprano for several years. She's been long gone from the group and I cannot remember her name.) Just found it interesting. Meanwhile, M was showing a great deal of urgency in getting gone. Explained she didn't have my order yet and would bring it to my area later in the week. Meantime I could see the redness of her eyes - she clearly had been on the verge of tears for some period... Sad that this was tough on her, here 4 years later!!

So, that was one interesting thing.....

Another was Carrie - a young soprano who I had wondered if she was flirting with me.... had a boyfriend in attendance at the social after. Whew. Sure glad I hadn't conducted myself in any kind of foolish old man way with her!! Would not want to be the "creepy older guy". LOL. 

Truly, I had thought in various ways that this young maybe not even 30 y.o. lady had been flirtatious with me and I had wondered what to do with that. Flattering.... An interesting idea. Comes from a very nice family, mom and bro sing with us as well..... So it was just as well to discover she has a BF and he's serious enough to be shown in public (although quite a bit more unkempt than I might have expected).

So there was actually a bit of relief on my part to discover that I was probably misreading friendliness.... and fortunately hadn't acted on my "misreading".

Then again, some women like much older guys...... hmmmmm......

Temptation

In a different subject - while I am sworn to fidelity and won't violate that commitment, I find myself mulling over the light, quick interactions I keep having with a pretty young lady in my singing group - chorale.

I think I figured out last year that C is younger than 30, so really, she's too too young... but it's a tempting thought.

I keep feeling like she's lightly flirting with me and showing interest.

I've not been good about picking up such signals in the past - or to be more accurate - have usually been in a primary relationship and chosen to ignore them if I do sense them.....

Maybe I'm vulnerable because of the continuing periodic crises of confidence between B and me....

But, there is a part of me that is just a little tempted to end what's not working and see what might work out with a pretty, and I think well adjusted young woman....

Wouldn't my oldest boy just crap!!

He says the "rule is you can't date women younger than me" and he's what, 36 now.....

Good advice. I do find the proposition of dating someone roughly half my age to be, as my therapist said, a bit tawdry....

But still, the interest being shown..... Just a thought.

Myriad thoughts

I don't know. More and more it seems like maybe B is her own kind of crazy and maybe I'm unwise to keep toughing this out when it keeps trying to implode, relationship-wise.

Last night, AGAIN, out of the blue I get accused of probably having an affair. Of being unfaithful. I kept my cool, but still got very very aggravated. She comes up with, "What are you up to tomorrow?" Me, "Just working". "No meetings", "nope not really"..... "Not meeting someone? And I mean, another woman?" "No! Where in the world is this coming from again?"

She wouldn't really say. I have a guess - there's a vague text message on my phone from just a phone number (not a contact) about calling to meet tomorrow. I'm guessing she peeked at that. Never mind that that was the most recent in a series of messages related to a screwed up transaction I made when selling a router to a local college girl. Totally innocent and nothing to be made of at all.

Very aggravating.

The plain fact of the matter is, B's anxieties and misplaced suspicions are destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I suspect most of it is rooted in 1) childhood and previous relationships 2) the fact that she and I were not exclusive at first and she's still uncertain whether I play around and 3) the suspicions her mother put into her head about me at the very beginning.

That which is good about the relationship, I hate to lose. She's very loving most of the time. Her psychic interactions, her faie nature, and her natural talent for energetic healing are all things I would miss.....

But if we can't get a whole lot healthier within this relationship and soon, it's probably time to move on.

I resist that in part because I fear my own future health - dementia - and I think she'd be a good and loving caregiver. I wonder about finding another, even though I show little sign as yet that can be differentiated from simply being a 55 y.o. man....

Sigh. I just don't know..... and sometimes I am afraid to ask those whose counsel I could ask....

Plusses and minuses and fears

So, when it comes to staying in a relationship, there are plusses, minuses, and for me - with a strong probability of dementia issues in my future - a dollop of fear for the long term.

So with B - plusses
Much of the time she treats me well, used to give my body a lot of massages, less so now. Good lover, likes outdoor sex, maybe even a slight bit of kink to be had with her. She's good looking for 61 yo. Much of the time quite mentally healthy. Seems mostly physically so. Fun girl when she's in her faie mood. Sexually well adjusted, if not completely so emotionally. Seems to have become as comfortable providing a complete BJ as having intercourse - usually due to her "equipment" not being up to the latter.

Downside - she has more than a few BPD tendencies which in turn remind me a bit much of times with M. Her temper can be unpredictable - although not so volatile as M was. She's just as insomniac as M was - maybe worse.... she's walking on eggshells and being inordinately careful with interacting with me a lot - she doesn't take the least bit of pique or irritation on my part at all well (leftover from her childhood I'm sure). And she is as poor as a church mouse. Her income stream is unsteady at best. She would tend to be more of an economic liability or drag than an asset.

OTOH, I think if I were to become stricken she would be very dedicated to my well being and welfare.

on the physical side - I get concerned because she is not very active....

also, while she doesn't look her age, I look younger than mine by nearly 10 years I think. She shows many signs of her age.... and sometimes I can't help but think about life with someone who is and looks younger....

OTOH, who wants to go back through the awful process of trying to find a "someone".

I'd be pretty much inclined to take a year or better off from dating and looking I think for the most part. Right now my libido has become low enough that I'm not sure I'd even be interested in a casual fuck or fuck buddy....

Mostly I lean toward continuing to work this out.... but more and more I'm feeling like that may be impossible....

Guess we will see.

Anniversary weekend

So, my "anniversary" weekend with B is Labor Day weekend - she reminded me of that sometime ago during a negative interaction (I recollected the date of my actual and only marriage, but "not of OUR anniversary".

I was trying to feel good about it, but instead find myself feeling a little down and bothered about things.

It goes to B's infernal tendency to have a "suspicious mind" when I have unexpected time off or at home. AND the fact that even 2 years later, she still hasn't been able to shake the anxiety that I may be playing around on the side (I am not) or that that the relationship won't last (that's true - with these negative thought patterns and factors that keep coming in to play).

I'm not by any means looking to get out. In many ways she treats me well. But the less healthy parts of her are excrutiating for me.

Like last night on our way to have dinner/drinks. I mentioned that all of us at the office were supposed to "work from home" today to test telecommuting in an emergency or disaster recovery situation. I also asked what her schedule was like. It was palpable as her suspicions arose. "Why are you asking about my schedule??" she said with some odd note to her voice (which I interpret as suspicion). I explained that I simply wondered if she might be around, or was trying make her aware that I might be around the house some or all of the day. Eventually she relaxed and seemed to accept what I told her.

But today when we talked briefly on the phone, after I'd had to go ahead and report physically to the office after all, she sounded odd to me again. Like she was being careful or was still suspicious or concerned or I don't know what. It really causes me consternation - kicks up my PTSD and all that.

It is very frustrating. I truly do not do anything that I can accept as being even slightly suspicious. I don't maintain a singles site membership or anything like that. I don't flirt to speak of. I try to be very careful of her feelings and potential hurt feelings and reactions (which is WAY too much like I used to have to do with M.

I feel like we're a bit hung up in a ditch that is not of my digging..... I truly wish she could deal with this side of her psyche - the better to give us a long term chance. But I just don't know.

stayover relationship

So, I read a story in the paper today about younger people who choose to keep their own places, but come to "stay over" almost constantly with their boyfriend/girlfriend. They don't consider themselves to be cohabiting. They're tending to want to retain an "out", etc etc.

Interestingly, I think that defines us as well. Twice the age of the young people studied, but it sure seems like it describes our situation.

finances, utilities and water

So, B has started walking on eggshells about her use of water and electricity around my house. Taking most showers at her apartment for instance. Maybe laundry there as well. I'm feeling a bit troubled about the shift that direction. I don't really want to have her feeling so uncomfortable here at my place.

I've kicked around utilities figures and found that having B stay over is costing me maybe $20-30 per month. When you consider the way she helps to pick up and clean around the house, that seems like a fair trade. Especially if she takes just a little reasonable care to be a bit more conservative in water and electric use in particular. (Like not running massive amounts of water while working in the kitchen, or not leaving refrigerator door hanging open. ) I wouldn't mind if she pitched in a bit of $ once in a while, but it's not all that necessary when the money is close to diminimus.


As for laundry, my thought is that is still makes no sense for her to trundle laundry up and down her two flights of stairs, apt to basement, when it's all first floor here. I also realized part of my "issue" over laundry is that there's been a tendency for B to freely use the laundry supplies that I buy, but not to really appropriately replace them. I just had to buy fabric softener the other day -- and I buy in containers that are supposed to do over 150 loads!!

So, I'm thinking a "fair trade" would be if she keeps the laundry room supplied for the both of us, that would seem fair. All I really would ask beyond that is that the laundry soap be skin-friendly to me.

I was nearly at the point of bringing this stuff up and trying to talk through a bit further when she got dressed and headed out for errands and to get herself around via her apartment. Oh well. Later I guess.

On other subjects, we did seem to get closer to "being on the same page" (her words) over the last few days and evenings as we began to talk out past $$ issues regarding trips ("do you want me to pay you back?" No. Just keep arrangements in the future), and eating out (trying to do more trading off of who pays, asking in advance).

Progress I suppose.

And it's not lost on me that we've again had a fairly major blow out without a breakup.

rocky

B and I are running in to some rocky times. Just when my son and family (and 9 y.o. grand D ) are to visit. I think we're OK now, but we've had some very harsh and difficult conversations the last few nights.

She's kind of bushwacked me with the subjects and discussions. I think we've dealt with what we must and then, unexpectedly timed and in an unexpected place she'll bring some follow up discussion into the mix.

Last night, she pulled out of me that I've been having some serious concerns about financial balance within this relationship. We kind of resolved a lot of it, but there's still some to figure out (utilities share).

I also was chagrined to find out that the "melt down" (her term) I had over the new bathroom rugs and decorations has stayed with her all this time. Made her realize " I still don't feel emotionally safe in this relationship" and so on. Sigh. And was the predicate for not giving notice to her landlord and moving on in.

She's posed the idea a time or two that "maybe she's just not emotionally healthy enough for me" and "I hate to think, but maybe this relationship has run its course".

I'm still not quite "there", but patience is wearing. I'm not sure just how to deal with the less healthy aspects between us and if we don't, this isn't going to be long term after all.

last week

was strange. In Chi-town at an assembly. Had B my fiancee in my room and enjoyed the town.... had A2 check in right behind us at the hotel, new boyfriend in tow (thank heavens!!) and weirdly..... ending up in a room next to ours. Fortunately there wasn't any direct FTF interaction in our hallway and our bathroom buffered between the rooms -- so no undue noises were heard.....

Interesting situation. Weird, but interesting.

Hopefully A2 is finally moving on. Although it was not lost on me that the new B.F. was kind of a clone of me. White guy, 50s, with a tummy..... LOL

wondering if it will last

Sigh. For the umpteenth time B and I have had some disagreeableness over the computer, her insecurities (lack of trust) and so on and on....

It started when she discovered I had cleared the Firefox history and (inadvertently) set it to not save any history at all..... "what are you trying to hide" is the feeling she expressed.... "Porn? Dating sites? Interactions with other women? What???"

I find this interaction completely exasperating and trying. I do look at porn periodically, but not to any degree of addiction or inappropriateness.... I heard a comedienne say she enjoyed watching porn like she watches the Food Network. Fun to watch but not anything she wants to actually do. For me, it's simply an occasional masturbatory aid. I think that ought to be OK, but I do NOT think B would agree.... and I've become hardwired to avoid conflict and creating issues if I can....

Hence my clearing of the history and such. I don't remember just when I did this.... but I kind of remember being at wits end over another quiz and concern over something she'd come across on my history, etc, etc..... There'd been an issue with some old bookmarks like singlesnet.com as well as other stuff she encountered that fires up her insecurities. I was simply trying to stop a recurrence and avoid conflict.... But she found a concern and conflict ensued regardless.... sigh.

I thought we talked it out. I admitted to the occasional foray into playboy.com and blamed that and the previous conflicts for my clearing of the history. I was sure not going to admit looking at harder core stuff, LOL.

And I did all the usual honest reassurances.... I'm NOT involved with anyone else, pursuing involvement, communicating, etc, etc..... Frankly the only loose connection I have to my previous (potential) love life is that TC and I have remained loose email friends.... and I get postings from her, as part of a group she sends to, periodically. I don't feel a strong need to pursue that particular potential relationship; but should this one fail, I might return carefully to that one to see where it leads.

I am very frustrated at this point that despite assurance after assurance and repeated honest answers -- that I'm not entirely comfortable admitting to -- are still necessary and inadequate. I've TOLD B that I've NEVER had casual sex. Never had a one night stand. Never did the typical "middle aged bachelor/crazy" thing.... etc, etc. I tell her that because it is the truth. I did not have a normal male sexual development, and my relative comfort and skill (?) as a lover is despite that lack of normal development.

I find it a little shameful in a "macho male" way that I've ONLY had sexual encounters that were meaningful and only with the four women I've had a relationship with.

But she doesn't believe me.... Doesn't trust me and it would appear cannot and will never fully trust me. That is a problem.

Even more disturbing to my psyche is the fact that even though we seemed to talk this latest bit out..... she's gotten into some kind of doldrums. I don't know if she's depressed, or contemplating ending the relationship or just what. But I can tell she's bothered about something to the point of affect of mood.

Her behaviors of the last 36 hours have had some of my PTSD firing off thoroughly. She's acting a bit like M and I'm having to fight off reactions that are rooted in that awful and unhealthful relationship. The "lost years" as I think of them now.....

She's withdrawn, marginally communicative, acting like there's something on her mind that I'm supposed to draw out, yada yada yada.

It's enough to make me contemplate to a slight extent how I might react if she wants to end the relationship... or even to end it myself if it cannot be healthy, open and relatively honest. I'm rapidly losing my perception that B is in general well adjusted. Anymore I am not so sure.

I've wondered about "taking a break" but I know that that is impossible. There is no way, even if I stated a strong intent to stay physically and emotionally celibate, that she would ultimately believe I did so after a period of separation.

I'm certain with the dynamics that we have that either we have to press forward full on together and do our best to have a good relationship, or end it as amicably as we can, and leave it be. I believe B is incapable of allowing for a break or rest in the relationship and also retain trust....

That is impossible because the trust doesn't exist from the get-go.

I've been patient for 36 hours and we'll see where things go tomorrow.... But I will not continue to feel this way or otherwise seriously negative and unhealthy relationship-wise.

I would take a break and heal and be celibate for a time should we break this off.... But there is a limit to my patience and forebearance as regards this lack of trust and continued fear of abandonment....

While I don't think B is a borderline, she has some tendencies, and the inability to trust and the fear of abandonment (which she isn't all that in touch with) is BPD-like.

Been there; done that.

weird work day

Trying to come down off an anxious place after a very strange work day. Hopefully journaling will help.

So, after 5 days of wondering what it was my boss and my "group leader" needed to talk to me about, this a.m. the talk occurred. Not bad, but not great. Aspects give me pause.

Particularly that about a young lady student employee we recently let go who apparently made a claim at the end that she felt as if I leered at her and it made her uncomfortable. Now, the plain truth is, I did find her to be a very attractive girl. But I never ever said or did anything that would be construed as inappropriate. I suppose it's possible that my eyes lit up as she walked by, or something like that -- but that's getting into reactions that are subliminal... and I don't know how that would be read or communicated in some manner. But I know I never stared at her in some inappropriate manner or any such thing as that. I was very circumspect.

But, I know I have a manner and bearing that apparently gets easily misconstrued. That, or I telepathically communicate that I am attracted when I am. But I try to be very disciplined about not ever expressing any such thing in any manner that is under my control. I think of a young woman friend of B's and mine who we came to care a lot about.... who used to hug me at the bar where she worked..... not hugs I initiated, and nothing occurred that could be misconstrued. Just friendly hugs. But she's highly attractive and once told B in response to a statement that, "We both care about you".... that she wasn't so sure I cared about her "in the right way...." Sigh.

But I really ended up seriously unnerved late this p.m. when my "group leader" went and talked to our group of student employee supervisors, one of who is a senior with literally a Playboy build. I find her highly highly attractive.... but again, I'm careful not to say anything, do anything, or whatever, that would let on that that is the case. Frankly, she'd find it creepy (which I suppose, if expressed and pursued, it IS creepy. )

Anyway, I guess this a.m.'s meeting made me wary about several aspects of dealing with our student employees. And I am particularly wary that young J could have picked up on and complained about my attraction to her, even though it is not and never will be expressed. She's complained before about my tendency (which I think I've ceased) to "wink" when I'm talking and kidding about. She tended to take that as flirtation - which it never was. Still, it will cause me a lot more grief if she expresses further discontent or concert or discomfort regarding my bearing or dealing with her.

I don't want to be anxious about this -- and again, I know there is nothing in the shadows waiting to come out -- but I know how damaging certain accusations can be. And the group leader and this young lady conversed on their own for most of an hour.

Hopefully I've minded my p's and q's well enough that nothing more or serious will ensue.... But I am a little concerned.......

Big breath..... leave it aside. Deal with whatever comes - tomorrow!!