too friggin' sensitive

Catching up a few events.....

So....  Tuesday night when I was messing around looking at some clothing-optional places for B and I to potentially go to.... it triggered a memory and question from her. "Did I walk in on you a week or so ago when you were trying to get off watching porn on the computer?"

She did.

I answered that she had. We talked a bit more about the details - "Do you do two-way chat?" Nope! Only free video. She stated she didn't like it that well. Doesn't mind the masturbation. Just doesn't like the porn connection. It ended up eventually getting a little strained for me, and eventually I got in a pretty anxious and agitated state of mind.  I said so, admitting exactly how I was feeling (which is unusual, since I tend to keep a bridle on most emotions). That actually was a bit helpful and apparently humanized me a little. In fact, she brought it up at our first couples therapy session the next day.

So, therapy..... Went OK. Mostly touched everything I would have expected. T says, "Can't live like that - with the underlying lack of trust over the Sarah incident". Made it clear B needs to either set that aside, or the relationship will have to end. Advised me not to be such an "avoider" and to be more open. Etc.  Eventually the porn bit came up, lightly, except that the T asked me, "How often do you view porn?" I picked number "Maybe once a week". The T moved on.

But B was really troubled by "finding out how often you actually are viewing porn." thinks that's excessive, etc. Over the last few couple days she's been anxious, depressed, not sure about the relationship (seems like there is always something every few weeks to make her unsure....)

I have explained the streaky interest I have - that it happens in spurts (pardon the pun). Sometimes I'm bored and interested for a day or two, and then not again for weeks or months. The once a week thing was just something I pulled out of the air, really.

I actually thought that sounded minimal, not excessive.... well, we disagree on that.

So, I'm trying to take a complete holiday from that form of entertainment. I still think it does me no harm, and I'm very very moderate with it....

And it really would be better if one of the results of this nonsense was a more regular and dependable sex life between us.... cuz I know that's one of the pressures that brings about an interest.

and life goes on.