unsettled mind and heart

Just went for a walk and as I did, I became very much aware of how disquieted and upset I still am about B's Wednesday night outburst.

Instead of being "slightly peeved" and simply coming to me and asking me to put her bicycle seat back down, she went into an intensely angry and accusatory state.

I did not deserve that.

I definitely feel emotionally frayed as a result.

And I'm troubled about a statement she made in the kitchen during the latter, calmer conversation. She said, "You know how you left M when you felt the the troubles in the relationship was affecting your health? Well, I'm thinking about that myself in our case because of the way our relationship affects my emotional health." [not verbatim - rather a paraphrase of what I recall her saying].

Well, I have to tell you that I feel as if she's as much as accusing me of emotional abuse. That is what I realized I was experiencing, burying into my body, and had affecting my physical health with M. And therefore, I feel as if she's drawing an equivalency - aka more or less saying that I'm emotionally abusive.

I have such a hard time fathoming where she's coming from with all this.

I defer to her wishes and preferences most of the time. I'm extremely courteous and by and large very considerate about my schedule, how I engage her and the world, and so on.

As far as I can tell, her primary issue is that I'm not meeting her needs PERFECTLY (now THAT is a bpd thought pattern, ain't it!!) and when she's angry with me, I can rarely see her point or agree with her faulting of me. When I DO, I apologize and do what I need to to rectify the matter.

Anyway, she tends to take my confidence in myself and my generally good intentions and motivations as refusal to take responsibility for my action/fault/the issue - whatever. And when I react softly and carefully to a conflicted conversation, I'm "arrogant" in my manners and "talking down to her".

Feels a whole lot like "no win" territory again.

Now, today she woke up practically asleep on her feet.

I don't know whether she spent an emotionally troubled night for some reason. I don't know if there's something I need to know or yet another conflict in the offing.... but I sure don't like the uncertain emotional feelings, not to mention the bruised emotions I have from two days ago.

I'll try not to overreact or initiate any undue conflict for my part.... but we'll see where things go.

Hmmm.... another thing threw me today, too. She says, "What are your plans for the weekend? Any?".

That bothers me, because the implication is that I may have made some plans without involving, consulting, arranging, or informing (with) her.

That's not my character and not my history. I'm trying to leave it be as just a clumsy way to have asked about the weekend.... but I am bothered by the premise that I might have made heretofore unknown plans.

Really?? Have I EVER done that in this relationship?? Nope.

Sure hope she gets a handle on this stuff....

But, plain fact is, I'm having to begin to mentally consider a "life after...." yet again.