Sunday, February 21, 2010
random thoughts
So, the simplest explanation is that B had a bit of a mood crash and proceeded as she did.... but that gets into lousy territory for me, that is for damn sure.
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
Another is that she does have an addictive disorder (that's mostly controlled) and she simply sometimes ends up abusing our joint drug of choice -- alcohol.... which gets into lousy and worrisome territory for her (and me). Now, there is not a pattern here that would support the over-use scenario -- it seems random and few and far between.
The third, really far-out possibility is that she is involved with another man and.... again, I don't think that's too likely -- but sometimes, what with the accusations toward me for other women (projection??) and the continued instability she seems to have within our relationship -- I wonder.
No, actually what I think it is is that she has BPD characteristics -- not full-blown BPD -- but characteristics. Sometimes they bubble up and when they do, I don't enjoy her very much.... not to mention, I end up having to manage my own PTSD based feelings and reactions.
So far, in this particular circumstance, I am simply giving her distance and pretty much leaving it be. I'm not trying to take responsibility that is not mine nor am I trying to "fix" anything. Nor am I taking responsibility for HER mood or fixing her feelings or giving her unnecessary and unhealthy assurances.
In other words, I THINK I am managing to let this be without having a codependent reaction or action....
And, part of me is just willing to figure she did something weird, a little passive aggressive or something, and well, the hangover is just part of her "enjoyment" LOL of her bender....
also need to write about B and her bender
I don't really know where to start here. I am having all kinds of PTSD (well, lightly -- but it's there). I've been feeling like there's some instability of mood and relationship with B that is of a concern -- too too much like what I had early on with M. And the last 18 hours have exacerbated that feeling quite a bit.
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
We went to A2 (the town) yesterday and had a very nice afternoon of shopping at a madhouse Trader Joe's, followed by some interesting beer and very fine pizza at a local brewpub. Quite enjoyable. After the brewpub, B took me to a local coffee place she likes and we had humongous cups of coffee drinks. Too much!!
Frankly, it was so much it didn't sit well on my stomach.... as we left the coffee place, B wondered if we were headed over to another nearby brewpub -- but I was trying to be conservative about driving back home over an hour and not getting too drowsy and such. Besides, it never hurts to be conservative about drinking and driving.
Anyway, I just sort of shrugged off the "next place" and walked us on toward the car.
After that, I don't know WHAT was going on. I felt as if I detected a big drop in mood from B -- she seemed withdrawn and distant -- and I had no context because she wasn't saying much. I know she felt chilled on the walk to the car. And, with the coffee drink bothering me, I wondered if she was having some tummy trouble too.
As we started up the street to head home, I asked, "is everything alright?"... "Yes, why??" -- and I just said (indicating if you will that she had suddenly seemed quiet), "Well, you know me - I just have a hard time reading you when you get quiet."
Not much else was said on the ride home. Had to stop for B to pee within half hour or so at a rest area.... Bout it.
Not much to go on -- just quiet and seemed withdrawn without context.... not a great place for me to have a partner.... it's tough on my psyche.
Oddly, when we got home, she continued to be a little "off". Seemed like she was either taking space or giving me space. Not sure which. But the big surprise was the amount of drinking she did -- because it was not particularly social -- we weren't watching a movie or cuddling or anything....
First, she ran her stuff from TJ's home -- which was fine... odd, but fine. Was somewhere around 8:30 when she got back to my house.
She sat in the chair as I sat on the loveseat (a little space is OK, that's NOT the issue). For reasons I don't know (she may/may not either) from the time she opened a bottle of wine and had at LEAST 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle in 90 minutes (spilled some once, but not all that much).
That's WAY more than I've known her to drink in a short period like that. She went to bed just after 10:00, which is also pretty unheard of.
I don't know what the mood was all about, or the heavy use of wine.
But, she drank enough to get sick at about 11:30p. I heard her and it took me a few to realize what was going on. I wasn't exactly certain where I was hearing her from.... anyway, she stumbled out of the bedroom on very unsteady feet and I had to help her into the bathroom because she "needed to pee". It was obvious she was feeling worse than all that so I went and got barf bowls and put one where she could grab it while on the toilet. Also brought her a glass of water.
She proceeded to heave her guts for a short while.... once stable, I helped her back to bed.
I truly don't know what to think of this.... it's a bit of deja vu that I don't care to have, I know that!!
This morning, she was clearly a little concerned -- not overly -- but a little, and just said she was "really sorry for last night".
I thought about trying to initiate conversation about what the roots of it were, but left it for later if at all.... I read the paper, looked at the ads, and then I just went ahead and started getting myself around so that I could do something productive and useful.
She took that as a bit of a hint to head home (it was OK with me either way).
She did send a text: "Hope I didn't leave 2 abruptly. Feel a little under the weather. Need a long hot shower! Sorry about last night (again). Thx 4 being so kind."
Anyway, I am not sure what I think of this..... More in the next post
Guilt feelings about A2
Wow, it's been a while since I felt the need to journal. Meant to a few times, but never quite got to it.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
Yesterday B and I went to A2's town to shop and enjoy a beer and meal. Went well, for most of the day -- more on the late day and evening in a different post.
Anyway, being in her town brought to mind, again that I've been realizing that in a way I had wronged her.
Looking back, I realize that over and over I saw and ignored the signs that she was quite in love with me. There was a time, early on, that I was with her as well -- but that seemed to me to be too likely rebound feelings -- and as time passed, I became more measured in my feelings. That's all been worked through and appropriately dealt with... since I broke off with her 2009 Labor day weekend.
I am concerned that in part, to deal with B's insecurities, I've had to completely eliminate "friendly" contact with my friend, A2. OTOH, A2 was not helping, as she did not quit expressing her loving feelings continually after I had made it clear what my posture in the situation was (friends -- moving on to another relationship -- etc). In fact, it was only a couple weeks ago I had to deal with that a bit more forcefully in an email message. The result is no contact whatsoever, or at least, not until passing contact at some mutual meeting.
I digress...
I have been examining the realization for a while that I KNEW A2 was in love with me. Long long ago..... and part of me liked that and did not choose to deal with it more "honestly".
I feel as though I wronged A2, all said and done, by not dealing with those feelings straight up when it was becoming plainer and plainer.
Forgive me....
I am unlikely to contact her through a letter or any such thing to ask for forgiveness, because I would not want to reopen the wounds of the breakup.... and I would not want to kindle some false hope for her (I know that it would....)
So again.... I'll throw this out into the universe -- A2 please forgive me for leading you on and allowing you to think there were mutual feelings of being in love and a future together.
You are a lovely, deserving woman and you'll make a wonderful companion for the right man. But, I came to know that wasn't me.... and yet I allowed you to think otherwise.
I wronged you. I'm truly sorry.
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