Shivered

Today's horoscope (Holiday Mathis) for me:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You'll meet your match. Either this person is so much like you that you'll be talking for hours or so different from you that you'll be listening for hours. Either way, there's fantastic chemistry.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You'll be filled with strong feelings. Your passion can move mountains if you apply it well. Contain your enthusiasm just enough to match the tone of your surroundings and then bring it up notch by notch.

and.... well, what has happened but one of my favorite GFs from High School just today confirmed me as a friend on FB... AND put up pix before the end of the day AND still seems quite comely to me at this point....

I wonder..... Truly gives me a touch of the shivers....

Plus, I had been thinking about where to try and vacation yet this year "on my own"... I had had a fleeting thought about Daytona Fl.... and guess where SP lives?? Yup. Not quite jumping to make the reservations.... but.... it is crossing my mind. Let things develop over a few days and see...

Still, even if it was just a connection with an old classmate and sweetheart in the area... why not??

hmmmm......

Advice Goddess Alkon

got a kick out of the latest column

http://www.lansingcitypulse.com/lansing/article-3272-buy-sexual-and-boys-r-us.html

Polyamory -- honestly, still the relationship construct I would prefer

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164/

A follow-up to the previous message.

From http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Not much different from me and my own situation!!.

The idea that romantic relationships may be attachment relationships has had a profound influence on modern research on close relationships. There are at least three critical implications of this idea. First, if adult romantic relationships are attachment relationships, then we should observe the same kinds of individual differences in adult relationships that Ainsworth observed in infant-caregiver relationships. We may expect some adults, for example, to be secure in their relationships--to feel confident that their partners will be there for them when needed, and open to depending on others and having others depend on them. We should expect other adults, in contrast, to be insecure in their relationships. For example, some insecure adults may be anxious-resistant: they worry that others may not love them completely, and be easily frustrated or angered when their attachment needs go unmet. Others may be avoidant: they may appear not to care too much about close relationships, and may prefer not to be too dependent upon other people or to have others be too dependent upon them.

Passionate "early" love explained?

Well, especially as I contemplate that which I previously posted.. the following article / reference helps explain a LOT!!

From UTNE Reader, July-August 2009

Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Nerves

by Julie Hanus

Ah, love: that yearning, burning, transcendently punch-drunk state of being. And it all begins with . . . attachment anxiety? For decades, researchers have probed the origin of love, tediously mining questionnaires and surveys for clues as to how sparks fly (and which ones stay lit). Now they’re making game-changing discoveries, reports Science News (Feb. 14, 2009), thanks to a distinctly modern opportunity to do field research: speed dating.

“Speed-dating investigations . . . illuminate a considerable gap between what people say they’re looking for in a romantic partner and traits of the people they actually want to go out with,” behavioral sciences editor Bruce Bower writes. Stereotypical points of allure, like physical attractiveness and financial stability, are less important than people tend to estimate when filling out surveys after the fact. Instead, relationships seem to blossom out of nervousness. Specifically, the anxiety of yearning for deep, emotionally attached love—the sort of connection that takes years to form—and not being sure if the fantasy is reciprocated.

In one study, psychologists at Northwestern University conducted speed-dating events with 160 college-age participants, who then reported on their love lives over the next month. More than any other factor, apprehension regarding a partner’s feelings prompted continued interest in the relationship (note from BH: LOTS to think about here. This is kind of how I feel toward B, but it is also very close to how one can feel when you are addicted in a relationship or you care for someone with BPD. No wonder I find it soooo confusing.). Daters who felt undesired jumped ship (no hope), but so did daters who felt too desired (no uncertainty) (note from BH: this is close to what I feel re: A2, and I do wonder about the longterm, sticking around, leaving, etc). “It is almost as if a central component of passionate love is [having] the fantasy that one will ultimately possess an attachment bond with the desired partner,” one of the researchers told Science News. But not being sure it’s in the bag.

Seeing B again, occasionally

and I like it.

but I remain confused about my feelings toward / for her.... vs A2 vs healthy emotional attachment vs relationship addiction.

FB Lifetime match

quiz results interesting.... B has a lot of Virgo in her.... that might be some of the draw.... (might also be like a moth to a flame....)

completed the quiz "Who is your lifetime match?" with the result They are born between 24th August - 23rd September.
You're a big dreamer and in love, you're looking for the one. It's not easy as you find lots of flaws with all the potential lovers that cross your path. But you don't give up hope and continue your quest come hell or high water. As you get older, you lower your expectations and end up telling yourself that perfection maybe doesn't exist after all. You therefore find yourself content with a caring, intelligent and affectionate person (wealth isn't important to you, it's just an accessory that's of no real concern for you). And you love them loads... A bit too much, perhaps! Careful not to smother them. You will make their dreams come true through just being you. They will feel they can show how they really feel to you because of your open nature inspires them to open up to you. Probably only you will know how sensitive, gentle and romantic they can be. They can learn a lot from you. Therefore you complete each other..

Druidcraft tarot A2

Rode my bike, trying to assess and sort thoughts... Feeling weary (and allergic!!).

Did a Druidcraft tarot, hexagram spread regarding matters with A2.

It seems to indicate I need to withdraw a bit and do more inner work... not sure what to make of it.

the cast:

Card 1, apparent, conscious issue
The Hermit

seems to indicate I'm again at a stage where I need to withdraw a bit, retreat, seek guidance, let things take care of themselves as they will. Silence and solitude to refresh the soul.

Card 2, point of tension
10 of Pentacles

talks of balance and blessings (sending and receiving). I almost feel like this card is indicating that there is a barrier aspect of the relationship with A2 that is preventing me from receiving all the blessings that might come my way.

I think it also indicates that this has been a mutually blessed/blessing relationship, but things may be out of balance in some ways.

Card 3, way to resolution
3 of swords

Heartache, potential for transformation. "out of heartache can come healing and the maturing of our ability to love. A love triangle.... temporary separation.... true growth and transformation...."

Card 4, the unrevolved or unconscious inner determinant
10 of swords

May be indicating that "a long-term situation - a relationship - may have come to an end..."

I wonder if I'm unconsciously (or maybe not so unconsciously) gearing up to move the relationship with A2 more to a friendship setting and less a "love" relationship...

Card 5, the pivot of change
King of swords, inverted

talks of the deliberate withholding of information (I take this to also be a reference to A2's reluctance to go "too deep" with the relationship -- her emotional intimacy issues she hasn't faced, and likely won't.

"the ability to communicate clearly and objectively may have become distorted...."

Card 6, the key to harmony
3 of cups, inverted

Points back at the need to pay attention to my inner needs. May be indicating too much focus on the relationship with A2 to the detriment of other interests, opportunities, and neglect of my own, and my inner needs.

Look within.


So this reading starts and ends with a reflection of a need to be more contemplative -- turn inward. Think on things, so to speak.

mulling

I'm tired this a.m.. got nearly 8 hours of sleep, but still tired.

Mulling things over regarding A2. Random thoughts over the last hours and weeks...

I've tried to "be exclusive" since Feb 14/15 after I'd had time to assess and break things off with B (I'm still of confused mind about her, I think, though).

But, it's become apparent to me that it would be pretty tough to sustain a full blown signficant other / exclusive relationship with A2 from 72 miles away.

For me, a number of signs arise that indicate I'm not nearly "there" emotionally.... For starters, I never completely let down on idling around on POF and Yahoo personals looking for connections and possible casual / social dating.

My head has been examining the idea that after all this time of close relationship, and having "cleared the decks" from having any other significant emotional attachment or involvement, it seems like A2 and I ought to be pretty well IN LOVE if we're going to get there...

I think I want more local connection for the prospect that offers of not being home alone quite so much.

A2 has continued to do emotional arms-length stuff over the period at times. She continues to be armored against getting too completely emotionally attached. I think sometimes she moves that way, it scares her, and she backs away....

I think I want to achieve greater depth of emotional intimacy than A2 is probably capable of... whatever that means. I know I'm pretty open with my heart, to an extent my feelings... but I grew very cautious about how I express myself over the last several years with M.... and I regularly apply that caution to interchanges with A2.

A2 has off and on encouraged me to keep looking and experiencing other relationships, but I have been concerned that that is an intellectual, not emotional suggestion she makes.... well, the latter in a sense because it's another form of distancing.

She also refers to her expectation that I will let her down or betray her as other men have.... making remarks about how she assumes sooner or later I'll be involved with someone else, being cautious about ever making another "surprise visit", and all that.

Anyway, I've been mulling over for a while the ideas that I have been getting mixed messages from her for some time, we're not "in love", and what all this might mean.

I've also said nothing about certain larger political decisions she is contemplating. Running successfully for a high office in a political association we're involved in would increase her time in my town, but also vastly decrease her availability for a relationship. I don't think I want to make that any part of HER considerations of that opportunity, but I think about it and its effect on "us" if there is to be an "us".

And, when I'm honest with myself, I don't really see myself falling head over heels "in love" with A2. The relationship with her offers the prospect of long-term solidity, "life-mate", but not "soul-mate" potentially.... Not a bad prospect, but part of me wants to continue to see what good match all around, interests, temperament, age, looks, emotional, energetic, spiritual.... what I can find.

If I stick to A2, will I be "settling" in some manner??

I still think about how, together, the two relationships I'd had going were the ideal woman for me -- taken together.... although the full honesty with A2 was missing....

and that continues to be missing... interesting....

concert

was nice... on the other hand, I saw my old love interest there (alone) as I'm there with my date....

Brings up interesting feelings....

I don't know why I seem to be having a hard time completely shaking my feelings for B.

Not sure if I cared for her more than I realized, or am missing a convenient, but interesting, addictive relationship.

I just don't know....

It would be really easy to try and strike something back up... but, I think I need to not do that for a whole host of reasons.... I still don't think it was, or would be, an entirely healthy relationship. Some of that lack of health came from her, some from the relationship dynamics, much from within me within the context of that relationship.

hmmmmm.....

sigh..... A2

I'm a little tired.... a little pensive.... a little bothered. Apparently A2 and I have entered that "expectations" phase of the relationship. Sigh.

I'm not sure how much of it is her wariness of being fully, deeply immersed in a relationship, and how much it's me not quite wanting to go there, yet, with her (or maybe anyone)....

I do think it's too soon to be deep and "permanent" in thoughts....

Anyway, we've seen each other every week / weekend of the month of May, save this one...

So, earlier this week when I saw a concert of interest coming up for tonight, I took the opportunity to make a date for the afternoon and evening with a new lady I've been getting to know.

See, I have been getting mixed signals right along from A2. She acts like we're significant others in certain ways, and yet often she'll make remarks encouraging me to continue to "look", "get the experiences you missed", etc. Or, she'll make remarks that make it plain she expects to be "betrayed" by me (again) sooner or later.

On the later (the again), to mix the message some more, she's remarked a great deal about how she over-reacted and should not have become so upset, etc, etc....

Behavior often says one thing, and her words another.

Meantime, I've quietly been continuing to try and date and make connections. No other sex at this point with anyone. Haven't gotten that far along. Just a group thing with a churchy group (nice people, but I could do without the church blather), and as I mentioned, a new, promising connection from POF.

So, I just spend half hour + on the phone with A2 tonight, after I got home.... She was really, really disappointed at not being invited to the concert, especially since it was for charitable organization the which of she likes to support.

Heard it 4 or 5 times at least....

I need to thing this through a bit....

I feel like I gave her too much info and it bit me.... I had hoped that by referring to "going to a concert with friends", (and having things about the house I was trying to get done), that that would address her hint from yesterday to be invited up with a gentle, oblique decline....

But, she harped a bit on how she would have liked to meet my friends, and she went off on other tangents about how she'd have been willing to put herself up in a hotel to come up and support the concert, and nonsense such as that.

She even went in to the "not worthy" to have a lasting relationship with a man bit that she's gone into a few times.....

I really need to thing about how / what to say and react to here.

I feel like expectations have entered the arena -- an expectation to be together every weekend (nearly), for one (and the primary one)....

raises some issues....

A2, feelings and such

I've been thinking lately about how "on the surface" things seem with A2 and me... basically not a deep, emotional condition.... Having a hard time fully defining the issue. But came across this article today on POF, which helps me understand my current state of mind with her. A2 definitely puts up walls, and walls off her emotions from herself. It takes a toll on having a deeper relationship, that's for certain.



The Secret Psychology That Makes Him Fall For You

By Rori Raye

What is that special something that makes a man want to know everything about you and makes him want to tell you how he feels over and over? What makes a man want to listen to what you have to say—even crave knowing how you feel or what you’re inner world is like?

A man falls in love with you because he knows he can be himself around you.

He falls in love with you because he feels safe expressing his innermost, private feelings with you. He knows that you can handle your feelings. He can sense that. And because he senses that at the most unconscious level, he starts to long for your company, for your touch, for your affection. He may not even know why he feels this way. All he knows is that there’s something special about you that he doesn’t feel with any other woman in his life. He wants to take you in his arms and keep you forever.

This is what happens to a man when he goes from feeling affection or admiration for you to feeling genuine love.

This is the “secret psychology” I mention in the title of this article.

I say it’s a secret because it’s little-understood by women (and men). It’s rare that either you or he will know exactly why he feels mesmerized by you and wants to get close to you and pursue you for something serious and long-lasting.

Many of us are wrong about why a man falls in love. We think a man needs sex, or has to have a fabulously gorgeous woman with a great body. We think a man falls for us because we’re sweet to him, and kind, and giving. Especially giving.

So we do things for him. We cook lovely meals and offer deep, thoughtful advice on whatever troubles him. We light candles whenever he comes over. We put on our sexiest clothes and buy lacey lingerie. We become exclusive with him without even a passing thought to what we want, or whether or not he has met our needs yet for a secure, loving and committed relationship.

We give our bodies, our souls, our minds to him.

And still he tells us that he’s not sure how he feels. Or he becomes distant and moody. Or he stops calling or asking us out as often as he used to. Or he does something very hurtful, or cheats on us, or tells us that he doesn’t believe you’re “meant” to be together.

This happens because deep down, you didn’t trigger love in his heart. You didn’t connect on the deepest, most intimate level—his feelings.

So, how do you connect with a man’s feelings? I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.

When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what you think of the latest news you’ve read or the gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.

You chatter on about your life, but leave out the one part that would drop you suddenly into intimacy. EMOTIONS.

You share everything but who you are.

You put up walls with him without even knowing you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the sorrow you felt that morning about something. You omit telling him how the spring air made you feel alive and free when you went for a walk at lunchtime. Or, maybe you don’t even pay attention to your own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You make plans in your head for the next moment, the next day, or the weekend. But if you were to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, and then speak from those feelings, you would make him feel safe and connected to you.

It seems like such a simple thing. But for so many of us, it’s such a counter-intuitive thing. It’s difficult. We’re not used to being juicy, sexy, FEELING creatures. So many of us are programmed to be doing, thinking, managing and worrying all the time. These are qualities that make a man feel nothing around you. These are the qualities that make him think of you more like a “friend” than his lover.

When you become a feminine, juicy, sensual feeling creature, you become what I call a “siren” around a man. You magnetize him simply by being what you were always meant to be…an alluring woman who is soft on the outside, but strong and resilient on the outside.

That is the secret to what makes him fall for you.

You can find out more about how to do what works to make a man fall in love with you and avoid doing the things that actually push a man away by signing up for Rori Raye’s free newsletters at HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com. They’re filled with proven Tools she developed to turn her own love life around many years ago, Tools she still uses every day and teaches to her clients so they can keep their relationships strong.

Catching up -- end of a love affair

I ended my first love affair last friday -- the day before V day!! I didn't intend the timing, but B posed questions that led inevitably to conversation that effectively, but without hostility, ended that love affair.

I told her, for instance, that I'd been coming to a realization that she and I are in different places about where the relationship is and where it might go... and that I'd begun questioning nearly a month ago whether I was really being fair to her....

She indicated she agreed we were in different places and also offered a lack of surprise. She wished me the best, and I her.

Meantime, over the weekend, I cemented a stronger relationship with A2.

Visited with my T yesterday and she said she thought I'd handled things well, healthily, and that there wasn't much need to see her right now. I agreed....

Work sucks. Some loneliness will likely ensue in the days to come (living an hour away from your S.O.....) but it'll be all to the good.

A2 closer than ever

So, especially considering I had ceased the "torn between two" situation... and that I'd already pretty much made up my mind that A2 was the more important relationship to me....

I picked up a doz red roses to go with the ones I'd already sent her. And, took a house key with me....

While she made it plain that "it will still be a long time before the "L" word comes out of my mouth...."

One of the things I told A2 was that it would have broken my heart as well as hers if we'd have broken it off... and that I was NOT brokenhearted to break off with the "other woman".

It also became clear that she was feeling closer....

My conversation was sincere... and it was especially gratifying when it was clear to her that I really do care for her very very much... she went on to say, "The extra roses... and the housekey were a really good touch... really good...."

An eventful weekend

Friday, day before Valentine's day, B here in town and talked on the phone a couple times, noon, and roughly 4:00. Long story short, it was our break-up conversation(s).

First conversation, though I was somewhat trying to avoid going there.... We talked about getting together soon, and then B asked a couple questions about why there had been so little contact between us the last couple weeks.... -- especially considering "how we'd been getting along a few weeks ago..." and then she finally said, "Not to pry.... but is this because you're getting more committed to another relationship??" I said, "Maybe"... "It's hard for me to prevaricate when you ask a question like that...."

Anyway, I went on to say I'd still like to get together.... and she said, "Well, I don't know about that with what with what you've just told me... doesn't seem like much use.... " or something like that....

Later, at 4ish, she wanted to know more. I explained that I'd been realizing over the last couple weeks that it's pretty tough to have an intimate, attached relationship with two women at once. And, that further.... 2-3 weeks ago, I'd been thinking about how B and I seemed to be in different places about the relationship and where it might be going... and wondering if I was being entirely fair with her....

She said, "and you thought the way to handle it was to ignore me??" I said, NO, but I'd been trying to figure out how and what to say... that I knew we needed to talk, but I hadn't figured out quite how to go about it.

Anyway, she went on to tell me she'd left my housekey in the mailbox and wished me "all the best"...

6 word memoir

Lots to post, but for now, I just want to do my own 6 word memoir of love and heartbreak (NPR) inspired by Smithmag).

Six-Word Memoirs: The Legend

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Starting in 2006, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs.

Mine:

I erred in love never again

seems very apropos for a still-recovering former life partner of a borderline sufferer!!

Bad moon rising

wow.... A2 caught me with B last thursday. Past few days resolved well, though, between me and A2.

Just recording a quick note about it....

and pasting this astro note from yesterday for A2. Apropos because of notable changes in her work/political environment and the recent events with us personally....

Old psychological burdens ***
Valid during many months: Don't become too worried by any profound changes which may turn your life upside-down, because they will give you the necessary strength and energy to finally get rid of some of your old psychological burdens. A friend, work colleague or close family member could have the necessary therapeutic capability to help, being able to put their finger on something which you find particularly painful to discuss. Rather than intending to hurt you, their behavior will simply reopen old wounds which you suffered in your childhood or adolescence.

The recognition that many of your problems with others are simply the result of your own tendency to cover up your weaknesses and avoid painful issues will help you to gradually change your behavior. Try to overcome the compulsion to keep up appearances all the time, and admit that you also have your failings, weaknesses and inferiority complexes. You will then discover an inner strength which you thought would be lost by admitting this. Feeling powerless or having a vague sense of being controlled or manipulated will only take hold of you if you are unable to find the courage to confront your own inner demons.

Be quietly thankful to all those people and events which are now throwing your life into turmoil. They are only helping to stir up regions of your unconscious which you have been so adept at repressing, a repression which has been blocking any chances of healing. If you can accept your whole self, including those influences which are painful, you can help to pave the way for a more confident and calmer future.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Opposition Pluto, , exact at 18:08
activity period from end of March 2008 until end of November 2009

Flying by each other I guess

Well, the first difficult conversation occurred over the last half hour or so.

From what she says, she thought we were exclusive and didn't realize I was continuing to see others.

That is much different from what I thought had occurred as an understanding between us.

A2 was clearly very concerned about her sexual safety -- which I reassured her about.

She checked the license tab of B's car and found that whoever it belonged to also has an October birthday. Made a point of noting that I hadn't responded to her being at the door....

Talked about how she was happy to see my truck as she wanted to let me know she'd definitely decided to extend the stay in Detroit next weekend and try to create a new tradition of staying over on the Sunday after the Feb conference and having the really, really fine breakfast as we did last year.

But she also noted she'd stopped unexpectedly... and even made mention that when she stopped by a week ago (last Thursday night), she was pretty scared of finding ssomeone else here....

So, clearly she's been back and forth on what she does and doesn't believe / hope is going on.

Then her mood swung toward recovery... and she wondered if I still wanted to extend the Detroit stay -- I told her I didn't care to do much differently than we had been...

She also threw out the idea of my coming down to A2 on Saturday -- but I told her I have a meeting to deal with and wouldn't be able to do that until late in the day if at all.

We'll see what tomorrow and the next few days bring....

But, I'm not willing to be exclusive or deceptive about whether we are exclusive....

Busted? Likely

Well, talk about awkward. A2 stopped at my house this a.m. at 9:30, somewhat unexpectedly. I expected her to stop by sometime this afternoon or evening maybe. But not this a.m.. and, as luck would have it, B's car was in the driveway with my truck. I got 3 very perplexed voicemails.

It's likely she's concluded correctly, although, not happily, what was going on... She's been unsurprisingly nonresponsive today.

I suppose eventually, we'll have a difficult conversation where I'll have to remind her that we are not exclusive and that she knows that I see other people... and that I honestly did not expect her until later in the day.

Some of the astrology for yesterday and today is very, very interesting:

A2's astrodienst for yesterday, Sun opposition Venus at 23:00:
Awareness of relationships
This influence brings all relationships into focus. Usually it is a rather easy and pleasant time, but it can release the hidden tensions in your relationships and force them out into the open where you will have to deal with them. This influence signifies that you will encounter yourself through your different relationships. The good ones will remain good, but the bad ones may become unstable and difficult. If you study your reactions and your handling of these situations, you should learn a great deal about yourself. In particular you may notice that you don't want to be alone and that you cannot operate without a close relationship with a lover, a friend or even someone whom you consult about a problem. You should not try to go it alone today.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Opposition Venus, , exact at 23:00
activity period from 27 January 2009 to 29 January 2009

Very interesting considering the pregnant situation that has arisen!

Mine for today isn't too interesting, but yesterday and tomorrow may be applicable:

Yesterday, 1/28/09
Irritability **
This is a very energetic time for you, when you can assert yourself effectively and accomplish a great deal of work. The problem is that you will be tested all along the line and forced to demonstrate the validity of what you are doing. You may be challenged either by circumstances or by other persons. Your success depends largely upon how well you express yourself in a situation. Being quite unwilling to back down on any issue, you are not moved to make compromises with others. But that is precisely what you should do, especially if you can manage to compromise without giving ground on essential points. Be careful that you don't become so wrapped up in your own beliefs that you cannot see which parts are essential and which are not.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Sun, , exact at 01:19
activity period from 26 January 2009 to 29 January 2009

Tomorrow, 1/30/09
Little tolerance
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you should be careful because the energies of this influence are quite discordant and could create trouble in your personal life. The problem is that you are rather emotionally excitable and easily irritated or angered now. With other people you are far less tolerant of individual quirks, and little things irritate you. You may also be in such a contentious mood that no outside aggravation is needed to set you off. Be wary of arguing just for the sake of arguing. But on the other hand, if you feel real anger, you should release the energy; don't hold it in. Your domestic scene may not be very peaceful under this influence, but try to remain calm, no matter how difficult it is. Relations with women may be especially difficult.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Moon Opposition Mars, , exact at 16:22
activity period from 30 January 2009 to 31 January 2009

dream notes

Interesting dream just this a.m.... I meant to let it continue, but something woke me.

Anyway, the crux was this.... I was living in a new house (different than my actual new house).... I recall my boys being there and M driving up (clearly my Ex and not something else)..... She grabbed several items / paper and headed toward a place kitty-corner to do some kind of business. I was snoopy and went upstairs to get my telescope to see if I could focus in the items... but before I could even try, Son 1 caught my eye from the back of the vehicle (apparently the boys had gone out there) and gave me a cautionary signal to get out of sight.

As I head out of my upstairs room, I run into a friend (I knew who in the dream) who is clearly trying to help gather some of M's things -- and frankly, looking a little sheepish doing it. I think I gave her a surprised look. s

Next thing I recall is I'm in my living room and the doorbell rings / door opens, and a BUNCH of people come in because, apparently, I'm having a party of some kind -- unexpectedly and unplanned by me.

A lot of the attendees are people I've met in the esoteric community. D.B. for instance, and others who for the most part I know as having a metaphysical bent. Interestingly, I just as I type this realize that I don't recall any of them as being from the community I've met / developed with on my own. These were people from the metaphysical retail community as well as others.

I had brief nondescript conversation with someone regarding some inlay woodwork in the house -- that I'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much history or knowledge of the place as yet, but the inlay was certainly beautiful.

I remember some sense of disapproval from me from some re: M and all that. I'm talking with a large psychic woman (could have been D.B.... might also represent M.G., M's metaphysical friend, but I don't really think so). Then sitting in chairs at one side of my living room. One person on my right -- I only recall that they were there -- and D.B. on my left, followed by a couple, I believe, where the woman had some form of serious disability. Others sitting across from us.

D.B. was engaging me (started earlier, continued as we sat down) trying to understand the basis of the break off of the relationship. Seemingly slightly troubled -- but in her way, looking to her own guides / intuitive knowledge sources for more info. I offered to fill in details, but also gave to her to know that I'd understand if she depended on her own guidances primarily. I think she decided to forego any direct detail from me (remember, M can be a completely different public persona, presents well).

D.B. and I were working through her quizzing and such, polite.... when the young man third chair to my left spoke up, clearly disapproving of my breaking off from M -- and apparently knowing that M has some level of disability. He made it clear in his tone / remarks that HE thought I should have stuck it out. That I was of lower character for not doing so. I do not recall the specifics of his remarks, only a level of disapproval. I recall responding that not all of us are capable of partnering someone with a long, difficult disability... and that she (the girl next to him) was lucky to have that kind of dedication.... Then the guy got up and start pouring some kind of martini or similar drink... I think he skipped me, but seemed less disapproving.....

Then M came through, hooked her glasses on to the top of a lampshade so as not to forget them.... Didn't speak, just headed on to the back of the house....

Doorbell rings again, theres ANOTHER large number of people headed to the door. The first guy not sure they're at the right place. I assure him he is, and that I'm apparently having a party the first night I'll be staying in this new place. He finds some kind of pin at the side of the door that seems to be made to open some PO Box type things in my outdoor wall, and holds up a key of some kind along with the pin he'd pulled out and said, "should I use the key check?"

I recall being a little puzzled at that, and woke up ....

strange!!

by golly, I have jealous feelings, too!

Well, this is quite interesting to me as I explore new aspects of life and of my self. For the SECOND time in recent memory, I ACTUALLY FEEL A BIT JEALOUS of B's involvement with another(s).

It's slight, but there -- and I've noticed it before in similar situations....

This particular time, the feeling came on after I texted B this a.m. mid morning with a breezy message and got back, "I'm out of town 4 a few days. Hope ur having a gr8 time."

Now, mind you, she COULD be out of town with a relative (sis, for instance, or niece)... or a non-romantic friend.... Or just on her own "because", which she does sometimes to clear her head / collect herself....

Anyway, the rest of what I DO know is that the weekend before I left (and the weekend AFTER I was at A2) B had plans Fri / Sat maybe Sunday to go to Chicago. She never said with whom, but DID refer to a "we".... I didn't ask, but I assumed it was to be a trip with her other romantic interest, W. OTOH, I didn't end up certain of that, because when the weather got lousy, B made the decision to cancel because "no one else was making a decision" which made me think maybe there were several going, in which case it was more likely relatives than a romantic trip....

Still, in advance of the probable trip, because of MY ASSUMPTION she was going with W, I was a little bit jealous.

Now, again, with NO previous conversation about it or previous info, I find she's "out of town".... (kinda unexpectedly for my part)...

and again, maybe moreso, I'm assuming THIS is a trip somewhere with W, and I do feel a little anxious and jealous about that!!

This is ironic, because I've been adamant, at least indirectly, about B accepting MY second involvement -- yet, it seems to be difficult for me to accept hers when it confronts me, however indirectly.

I don't think there's anything to do about it, or even to talk about much (maybe a little)

But it's very interesting to find myself bothered by some of the same feelings toward that as B as toward me and mine at times....

Too, too interesting.

What I think it means is that, either I'm having (as she is) understandable feelings, OR there's a degree of relationship addiction popping up, or more likely, BOTH.

For now, it's enough to just note and acknowledge the feeling and examine it....

Before the holiday

(catch up).... before the holiday, which I'm spending with my grand-D, etc, out of state, B and I spent quite a little time together in the week before I left.... No sex, simply hanging out, enjoying company, cuddling for the night, etc....

The night B4 I was flying out (setting an alarm at 5:30a) we had a "not-quite-fight". It actually went pretty well. But, aspects ought to be recorded.

Long and short is this -- evening was going swimmingly. Both of us enjoying the company, etc.... but about 10:30p, I realized that A2 would be arriving on her flight to CA soon and I would NOT be able to take her call letting me know she'd landed safe.... So, I took a quick moment to text her ("tired, going to bed, 5:30 alarm....") so she'd know why I didn't take her call....

As luck would have it, B walked into the kitchen just as I was finishing the message and ASSUMED I was texting her "rival for my affection" (my terminology, not hers).

Mind you, she didn't ask, and I didn't volunteer inf0 -- but I DID choose to continue what I was doing in a nonplussed manner, since we'd had a discussion about my tendency when we first started seeing one another to close my computer when she came back in a room -- making her wonder what I was hiding.... THIS time I did NOT act guilty or as if I were hiding something or any such thing.... Just finished and went on to the living room.

But the fuse was lit....

About an hour later, suddenly B was dressed and "going to go on home..." I didn't really assume she'd jumped to the conclusion she had.... so, hoping for the best, I just said, "Decided that 530 alarm wasn't very attractive, huh...?" She noted later that she should have just agreed with that statement and headed out. But, she didn't. She went on to say I'd hurt her feelings. Huh!!??

I pressed her to tell me how it was I'd done that?? "by texting A2 while you're with me".

THIS time, following my T's advise, I didn't let it drop at that sort of thing and didn't let the situation develop into one that was going to cause me anxiety as happens at times with B.

Nope. I pressed onward a bit.... told her quite firmly that she might be making an assumption that's who I was texting, but that she couldn't KNOW that to be the case, hadn't ASKED, and I certainly wasn't going to volunteer info like that..... And, for that matter, for all she really knows, I was texting my son, since I was due to fly out in the a.m. and there might have been a detail or two to clear up.

In other words, she was making an inappropriate assumption and I wasn't going to let it stand at that.

She actually held up a while on taking off, so we could go ahead and talk about it a bit further. Some interesting info DID come up.... like, she DID know where I'd spent the previous weekend.... although she wasn't going to say so outright, it came out clearly that she knew because a mutual acqaintance that she'd seen on Saturday ( a busybody from our choir) had commented that "L" can't be here because he's visiting his GF in A2.... It took me a while to figure out how the busybody even knew about it, and then I recalled her asking me again to come and sing when she played at the retirement home. I told her my plans at that point, never ever supposing it would become a matter of interest or gossip for her to pass on to B (and, unbeknownst to me, hurt her feelings then as well I'm sure).

Anyway, that revelation gave me the opportunity to state that when the contention about the upcoming weekend had occurred before, that I SHOULD have said plainly, (as my T suggested)something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....

Of course, I am very UNhappy with the "friend"....

I went on, though, to outright ASK what if any info she wanted about the texting (she declined).... and I further went on to say that I really thought we needed to think about and talk again about how to handle our other involvements and information about them -- that I really didn't think how it was currently being handled was working particularly well.

I elaborated a bit that it seemed to make little difference if I was reserved with info or not -- that B tended to make assumptions, right or wrong, about my plans when I am unable to be with her. And she ends up unhappy whether or not I provide TMI.

So, I guess we will see what happens from this point....

Day after plus

Well, our conversations since I left town, while understandably few and short in duration, have been warm and friendly (typical). EXCEPT I didn't hear from her at all yesterday (nor did I prompt contact -- just thought I'd see what happened....)

Now, TODAY, I did text her mid-morning, and got a text back from her about being out of town. hmmmmm

Hexagram spread of the Druid Craft tarot re: B

card 1 - two of cups -- the apparent, conscious issue.

card 2 - Ace of Wands -- the point of tension

Card 3 - The Magician, inverted - the way to resolution

card 4 - two of pentacles - The unresolved or unconscious inner determinant.

Card 5 - The Fool - the pivot of change

Card 6 - Five of swords - the key to harmony

I think this reading clearly refers to a romantic relationship -- the meeting of hearts, which makes sense. It also touches the healing aspects I still need to experience. "Receiving the two of cups may not be pointing to a relationship in itself, but rather toward the use of the power of love to heal... the time may have come for you to use this power to calm, connect or unite.

The Ace of Wands is another reference to the need for me to find healing and inner wholeness -- something I realize now is further away than I realized!!

The magician in this spread is a reference to the need to engage in clearer communication (not far off from what my T said.....). this comports to some of my thoughts today that despite a bit of desire on my part to "bolt", I think there is a value to keeping on with this relationship and trying to find better ways to effectively communicate with a (slightly) mercurial woman. Not the anxiety-producing approach I tend toward when a woman detaches or withdraws or becomes a bit (subtly) "difficult".

The two of pentacles (another two!!) finding balance -- keeping the fun. "It is always attractive to have two of anything, but keeping them both in play can created stress..."

The Fool - new experiences, new ideas, new growth.

Five of swords- Bury the hatchet, but not your feelings - -let the growth and healing happen.

Ebb and flow with B

I feel like B is detached again.... and I'm tending, as usual, toward some of my PTSD-based reactions (per my therapist yesterday). I need to communicate more actively and directly and quit avoiding the prospect of difficult conversations. My T suggested asking outright, courteously worded questions, and perhaps challenging B a bit -- like over the "issues" arising over the (last) weekend and some assumptions B made and her corresponding reactions....

T suggested I should have said something like, "I thought you did not want to know details or TMI. Is that different than I understood? Do you want to know more details of my weekend?" that sort of thing....

Anyway, I had a pleasant conversation, a little late, with B, but then I followed up with a texted invite to her that she didn't respond to.... which raised my anxiety / issues a little.

So, I decided to cast a Hexagram spread regarding B... again. Quite interesting, but not too clear....

Amaryllis

Mostly a placeholder.... some days / couple weeks ago, B channelled one of my key guides--
Amaryllis.

I think she wanted to do so again and look for some guidance of her own regarding job searching, but that hasn't worked out....

strange, strange mood

I am in the oddest mood tonight..... B stayed over last night. Very cuddly. Was quite late when we got in... she did some massage and healing work on me which was beneficial... nonsexual (a bit of good natured teasing, but no sex).... and none this a.m., but quite cuddly and loving all around. She hung out til almost noon. Thing is, sshe got razzed up and didn't really sleep until almost 4 a.m. I tried not to let it bother my sleep, but it was more costly to my sleep than I realized.... sort of dragged me out all day today.

We made no further plans, other than to talk later..... but, this is the odd thing.... I didn't think I wanted any company, hers or anyone's.... and yet when I didn't reach her to even talk.... and didn't get the opportunity to "beg off" going out.... or to go out..... well, it's been odd. I presume she found somthing to do.... which she should. She's independent and autonomous..... and I have figured out she doesn't like to be idle much at night....

Anyway.... it's been an an odd night... I went out to hear some jazz on my own, and that was fine. But, weirdly.... I think I've been bothered by not reaching her.... and, because she might be out with her other gentleman friend, I think I may be jealous. NOT a familiar feeling. Very odd feeling.

I hardly know what to make of that!!

And, well, A2 is in a odd mood as well. Filled with her own worries and thoughts.... although, again, I'm not sure where she really is regarding the potential for relationship. I don't think she has the faintest idea herself....

Anyway, I think both these women would like to have a fulsome relationship.... and yet, I also am pretty sure that it's not right yet for me to settle down to one woman and one relationship and just get back to repeating old patterns....

Nov 1 horoscope

by Holiday Mathis seems pretty apropos these days (I am a double Libra with strong Scorpio)

Neptune, the king of dreams, has been traveling retrograde since May 26 and now changes his course. His direct movement inspires the development of projects and intentions that have been waiting on the back burner. You'll probably realize that as much as you thought you were ready before, the timing is now far more perfect.

ARIES (March 21-April 19). You are relaxed and confident, so your conversation flows. Before you know it, you've completely lost yourself and become immersed in a fascinating new acquaintance. You ask all the right questions.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Though by now you think you're able to predict just what a loved one will say and do, it turns out that there are a few surprises. A third party changes the dynamic in a favorable way. Your interest is sparked anew.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21). The one who says it can't be done is really saying that he or she doesn't have any idea how to do it. Your vision can still come together. All you need is one other person to believe it along with you.

CANCER (June 22-July 22). Your emotions are engaged, which makes it more difficult to see things as they are. That's alright — objectivity is overrated. Instead of keeping your cool, go even deeper into the feelings.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You are masterful at creating the kind of eye-catching, imaginative illusions that make others want to leap into your world — but don't let them. It's far more effective to slowly envelop them. Create a journey.

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (NOVEMBER 1). Your interests multiply and fill your life with relaxing, happy hours. You get a fresh start with a job or relationship this month. There's a rush of activity in your personal life and you'll be making an important commitment in December. The effort it takes to make money is reduced in January, and you make more, too. Taurus and Capricorn adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 13, 6, 1, 15 and 42.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're still trying to gage how much control you really have over a situation. Right now it seems like very little, and that's something to accept. Ride it out. Things take a turn for the better tomorrow.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You're dangerously unguarded when it comes to love. It's like you're putting your heart out there to see who will take a bite out of it. Ultimately your reward will match your risk.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You like to visit places you've never seen, but prefer to do that with people you know well. The shared excitement of exploring somewhere new builds the bonds of your relationship with your travel partner.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec. 21). You can't afford to have things around you that don't work. Give yourself a limited time to get repairs, mend the tears and fix whatever needs it. And if it still won't go, cut your losses.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). If you feel a bit stressed out, it's a signal that you need even more responsibility. Increase your task load and things fall in order. When the going gets tough, you can accomplish amazing feats in a few hours.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Out-of-the-ordinary things happen for you and to you. Your whimsical approach to life will start a magical chain of events. Your secret desire could come to life right in front of your eyes.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). It's so attractive the way you can grasp the psychology of a person. You effortlessly soak in the essence of people. You get near them and know them, absorbing their inner world by osmosis.

WELCOME NOVEMBER: The derivation of the word "November" is Latin, correlating with the number nine. Now that just doesn't make sense, considering that it's the eleventh month of the year. But the Roman calendar existed for a time without the months of January and February. And there is music and melancholy in "novem," as the poets have discovered over the years. One cannot help but make the association with the cold end of things — like plants and love affairs and life — and at the same time perhaps find some appreciation for the temporal nature of all that is beautiful. Astrologically the month of November belongs largely to Scorpio, one of the more intense signs of the zodiac. Scorpio is credited as being the sexiest sign and the cutting truthfulness this sign wields is responsible in part. Scorpio acknowledges and accepts that there is always more than meets the eye. There are thoughts between the words, informative space between the image and energy around object. Scorpio recognizes that we are spirit in a material world and gives credence to things like omens, pheromones and micro-gestures. This is the month that your life will be enriched by the depth of your awareness.

Issues arising with B, Tarot

an attempt to clarify and inform and cover appropriate ground with B tonight did not go well.

Druidcraft Tarot reading
Hexagram spread very interesting (useful for insight into relationships)

card 1, THE APPARENT, CONSCIOUS ISSUE: The moon - change, perhaps a difficult emotional journey ahead. Maybe experiencing a felling of loneliness or isolation. Definitely a period of change with the attendant fears that go with change....
card 2, THE POINT OF TENSION: Q of Cups, R - this card has come up re: B before, and she readily affirms it as one of her representations. In the reverse, it speaks to emotional wounds, depths of feeling, quoting, "However she may want to express her love positively, her inability to find healing can make her emotionally dependent and manipulative."
Card 3, THE WAY TO RESOLUTION: the Lady - opening to trust and abundance. Open to love and trust. I think the meaning is to not allow the bumps in the road with B to damage my progress toward being able to love and trust -- esp considering there are, at times, some definite similarities she has with M. Not BPD, exactly, but some similarities in reactions and remarks.
Card 4, THE UNRESOLVED OR UNCONSCIOUS INNER DETERMINENT: Rebirth - a call to change. Perhaps a crossroads / decision that must be made (between the two women I love?? hmmm) "You have chosen life and emerge reborn" - perhaps apt for what I've been doing this past couple years!
Card 5, THE PIVOT OF CHANGE: Ace of Wands, R - feeling blocked, experiencing frustration - a sense of barrenness rather than potential -- but this feeling will pass.
Card 6, THE KEY TO HARMONY: Six of Cups, R - may be either releasing old wounds, or clinging inappropriately to a person or situation that has long ago ceased to be of value to you. Attending to the past to grow and learn is all well and good, but you must let go of attachments to events that have already occurred..... I feel as if this is a reference to my tendency to let the way M would react, or my defense mechanisms relative to her, still dictate the way I comprehend or create undue issues / anxieties for me.... B says I create the drama in my relationships (at least with her....) I'm not sure I agree.... but who knows.

very strange dream

I don't often remember dreams, but I certainly had some strange one(s) last night. I recall watching some kids chase and harass a couple of dogs, harmlessly, then a different set of older kids had another dog trussed up across a wood fence structure. I intervened in that... I was watching from my bedroom and thought I was nude, but it was too important to intervene quickly. My wife / woman called the police, I think. Meanwhile I tore the fence apart to get at these kids and untruss the dog. Next thing I recall, the governor (beautiful Gov. G) was at my house to assist or follow up. I remember walking down the hall with her and my woman? and perhaps another person or two. Realized then that contrary to what I'd thought when I went out after those kids, I had lounge pants on -- I wasn't nude, and mentioned that. Gov G said, "thank heavens" or "it's a good thing.... for the best" or something.... We were headed back to my bedroom. THAT turned out to be something like my bedroom in my last house with my ex-wife. I recall lounging on the bed with Jennifer and talking and half watching the TV in this particular corner. Tried to look up something about the capitol. Just talking and being friendly. I recall she had a pink froo froo dress on -- kinda sexy. Anyway, just chatting. Finally, I recall being on the phone with her, looking for some signs that were supposed to be made and available from MSU printing.... as I hung up from her, my phone rang and it at first appeared to be a political call -- but then it was a woman (M or B, likely) who said something about dragging me back here -- "You blew it".

Sttttrrrraaaannnnggggggeee.....

I think part of it comes from getting mail yesterday directly from my crazy Ex, M at my street addy. I am NOT happy about THAT. But I also have some odd stuff running in my psyche right now because the energy with B is "off". In the latter case, I think I'm going to let her call me today if she will -- otherwise allow the slight distancing or whatever that might need to happen for a bit.

don't know what the guv thing was all about -- other than she was pretty hot in pink!

Card spread re: B

Well, to help me with the disquieted feeling (part of which has occurred between us regarding perhaps celebrating our b-days together this weekend -- an conversation exchange regarding whether to celebrate this weekend... I told her that would be best as I will be tied up the weekend of my b-day.... well, I could tell she extrapolated that to assume (rightly) that I would be involved with A2.... and said, "well we'll have to see how that works out...."

Oh well.

3 card spread, Ascended Masters deck

Issue: Focus upon your strength
Action: See the other person's point of view
Outcome: Positive change

I think it's telling me to trust myself, find my learning and be compassionate and understanding toward B as she copes with her love feelings even as I tend toward being emotionally detached right now even for love. (lots of practice previously with other emotions and M!!)

interesting times and a card spread

Well, it's been interestingly up and down with B. Not going to go all in to it. Just felt a bit disquieted tonight over some interaction and some energetic dislocation I feel between us. I know a big part of it is her struggle over feeling more strongly toward me than I toward her. I love her, but not wholly and solely. But I am really concerned that, deny it as she will, she may very well be "in love" with me. That's complex because emotionally she's not entirely capable of "sharing" and I'm not yet at a point where I should settle down to one primary, "only" woman. I need to heal. To get more comfortable on my own and in my own space and I need to make sure I'm not just repeating past patterns.

to the card spread.... well next posting

Catching up from the weekend

Random notes from Saturday's workshop.

I wrote "synchronicities" and "serendipity"... but I don't recall the reason, other than the idea that sometimes our intuition is in play when things seem oddly synchronous or serendipity happens.

Presenter: "Universe is conspiring for my success"

"Opening the intuition to receive our guidance."

Sometimes the ego (in the freudian sense, I think) can get in the way of our intuition.

We practiced readings repeatedly. Using Doreen Virtue cards of whatever variety people had. I like my angel deck. I think I also like the ascended masters deck. W, the other presenter, used an "archangel" deck, I think, when reading for me.

I note that my RATIONAL MIND resists these notions. Yet my experience and observations belie the idea that there's "nothing" to it.

Afternoon, we also talked about the importance setting healthy energetic boundaries and of energetic hygiene:

* Cut the etheric cords
* Ask Archangel Michael to help to cut the cords
* Chakra chop

General routine:

1. Prayer blessing and centering of the practioner (and/ the readee, if possible I suppose)
2. Reading.
3. Hygiene
4. Send angel or other energy toward the person if necessary / appropriate afterward.

W commented about a typical 3 card reading where you have the 1) issue, 2) the action, 3) the outcome

He also commented that often he's found that the reading is substantially similar whether reading from left to right or vice versa.

Another comment the L (main presenter) made was that there's a recent "redisovery" of a chakra -- back of the head, ancient wisdom.

(we did an attunement, guided, that used the crown chakra and this chakra together with the third eye chakra.)

Odd late p.m.

B and I... as posted, she went into a bit of a withdrawal.

Interestingly, my heart chakra is feeling something since late in the afternoon. She and I can be so connected energetically, that my chakra may be reflecting the strain or anxiety or whatever.

The other possibility is M. W, the reader, told me that M is likely to act out as badly or worse than ever in the near future. He thought it would be very serious. I know that means that if she harms herself it could be successful or nearly so.

I suspect that if that's happened, I might feel that in my heart chakra as well....

But it's more likely B and whatever is going on there.

I don't rightly know what to think about that!! I want to be very careful about getting back into an addictive relationship....

Is it her or me when I feel this odd feeling in my heart chakra.... ??

Today readings and more

Today was a day for readings and body work. I took B because I knew she'd both enjoy it and benefit. She would be a good addition to this community, too. She's gifted in the energies. She's hooked in with some others in town that I think bear less light. I hope she'll feel drawn in to this new community kindled this weekend.

Meanwhile, I had a good reading from W, one of presenters. There's more to be said....

B, meanwhile, is a little thrown by the reading she got from T (my intuitive). I didn't get much out of B about it, but she was a little regretful for the info / responsiblity that came with the reading.... I did gather it's about her and me.... and something about not knowing that she "wanted the responsibility"... we'll see if she shares more.

Meanwhile, we spent some more time together after, but the energy became a little wan and withdrawn. She definitely pulled in some tonight. We'll have to see what transpires.

I find myself in need of a bit of a recharge after these two days. Just need to rest and absorb.

postscript: I felt as if B was taking some space today, since she didn't contact me at all. We saw each other at a mutual activity tonight, but we each tend to do our own thing there and keep our own interactions a bit muted. But, still, I wonder if she's gone into one of her "quiet" periods, where her anxiety or thoughts nearly overwhelm, so she withdraws....

We shall see.

Saturday's workshop

Sent to an intuition workshop Saturday. Focused on undertanding that all have some degree of intutition. Most people confuse clairvoyance with intuition. Clairvoyance is only one of several "clairs". Our instructors were certified Doreen Virtue angel trainers, and we used her decks in our practice.

It was instructive, inspiring, intriguing, and fun. I really enjoy people of this mindset, even as I continually wrestle with a rather "agnostic" attitude toward anything metaphysical. Still, it seems like there is something there and not nothing.

I don't consider myself terribly intuitive, although I've come to realize I am moreso than I give myself credit for. As I did readings at the workshop, I read for people better than I might ever have expected.

We learned about the "four clairs" which helps me understand better this energetic philosophy, ESP, or whatever.

I like these explanations from other sources (which saves me from writing out much):

Wikipedia has related terms listed under clairvoyance, including terms for extra-smell and extra-taste as well as those more common to the lightworker community dialog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clairvoyance

http://www.geocities.com/lilly_light/4-clairs.html is wordy and not as literate, either literally or energetically, as I'd like. But there is some valuable information.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Healing-Touch---The-4-Clairs-to-Spiritual-Guidance-in-Healing-Work&id=953965 has a brief explanation that is very pithy and apropos, so I'm quoting it. But one will benefit from reviewing more detailed info. Quoting:

There are four ways (the 4 clairs) we receive spiritual guidance-

1. Clear seeing or clairvoyance

2. Clear hearing or clairaudience

3. Clear feeling or clairsentience

4. Inner knowing or claircognizance

Clear seeing is not just about seeing "auras" or angel lights-it also includes dreams and visions.

Clear hearing is not just about "hearing voices"-it's about voice, music and sound.

Clear feeling is not just about sensing what someone is feeling-it also includes emotions, gut instincts and intuitions.

And Inner knowing is really about knowing things without having learned them in ordinary ways-it is when we receive thoughts, ideas and concepts that we clearly did not have before we received them.

The good news is that we each possess all four of these abilities to receive God's guidance to us. In fact, we are hard-wired for them but some are more endowed than others.

B & me

Well, here it is two weeks later. At this point B and I have attended a concert together (kinda, we both decided we wanted to go so I saved her a seat, etc).

and one thing leads to another and now we're talking again regularly. We've even slept together, twice this week. Literally. Slept and cuddled.

I'm feeling better about this at the moment. Although, her tendency to get anxious and hide that until she wants to talk (or act) is a bit too much like my Ex. Nonetheless, I enjoy her company and I actually don't think she's emotionally dependent or demanding. Just some of her coping mechanismss that make me feel / respond with old tapes. Working on that.

To that end, I want to talk to her and gauge how the whole anxiety thing is going. I know a large part of it was the (unexpressed) rivalry / jealousy toward A2. THIS time, I'm going to try and stay OUT of that morass. Each relationship needs to stand on its own. One may rise above the others and become that lifetime / forever thing. But.... all relationships for me right now need to be pretty laid back and easy and undemanding. No expectations. No guilt, etc.

To that end I want to check on that, AND I want to converse about becoming lovers. This could happen just on its own, but I'd much prefer to have talked about it and have us make every attempt for that particular involvement to be fully volitional.

But, I have come to a realization that I would like to take B as a lover. But, by that, I don't intend to give up A2 at this point. Hopefully neither will put me in a precarious or compromizing position.

As I said, each needs to stand on its own.

About Palin

130 things to think twice about:
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/3/101847/1906/281/584504

"So Sambo beat the bitch", Sarah Palin
http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/

Below is someone who KNOWS what kind of person Sarah Palin really is

I thought you might find the following article from snopes.com interesting: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/kilkenny.asp

B reappearing

So, what shall I make of this. B popped up today. Called me about 3:00 -- beautiful day, just wanted to say hello, etc, etc.

It was a pleasant surprise. I was cordial. I do like her. But....

I continue to regret that aspects of her and involvement with her seem to pull me toward old, bad co-dependent and BPD partner behaviors and reactions. Even if that wasn't or doesn't continue to be the case, I'm still wary since it seems like she's much more emotionally delicate than I really care to be dealing with.... Drama!! NO THANKS!!

Anyway, the friendly gesture was nice. I'm certain it was an attempt to open the doors back up, albeit slightly. I don't know where and how things could go much of anywhere with her. Guess time will tell.

Poverty, ha!

Well, M's sis called me last night to update me after having dinner with M. UNbelievable!! Some personal intrigue -- M talking about the recent wedding, and how the girl was some more or less shirt-tail relative... kinda.... but not a word about the BF. She also talked about heading up north to a little lake town and bar (but she stopped drinking!!?? supposedly. Ha! Fat chance!) Anyway, she enjoys dancing there, yadayada... again, NOT a word about the BF. Sis found that quite curious....

But here is the real nonsense.... after crying poverty about the garage repair and trying to dump her car payment for this month onto me (and complaining to sis about that and bills and money troubles...) M produces and shows off her new iPod TOUCH!!! HMMM..... that iPod costs almost the same as her CAR PAYMENT!!

What a bitch. She'd been emailing me this week for some tech assistance in "setting up email on a new device" which she never really identified. At first, I thought it was maybe a new computer. Either way, how the HELL can she claim poverty and tight money all the time and yet buy this new toy. What a load of horseshit.

another round with M

Of course, I expected to get a reaction after sending back her car payment statement with a letter. Still takes a fair bit of energy out of me to deal with her sh**.  

She carried on some more about settlement issues, but still doesn't offer any real settlement proposal.  

Frustrating!!  

The crazy Ex

Meanwhile, shit with the crazy Ex popped back up with her crying poverty and claiming she couldn't afford her car payment. Horseshit. She didn't have a portion of the mortgage or rent to pay until July of this year. Where's her money go?? No excuses.

She even had the balls, the temerity, to use a SASE I sent to her weeks and weeks ago for another purpose to mail me HER car payment statement.... pushing in that manner to have me pay it.

I'd think about taking her car ONLY in the context of a settlement, something like my truck sold, not maybe sold, and a split of the stock account, NOW, and a clear agreement for me to have 50% equity in the house. (might be slightly flexible on that).

But, I sure as HELL will not just pay her damn car payment. Even though I'm secondary. She needs to stand on her own two feet for a change.

Things further along with A2

Catching up!! Well, A2 and I spent quite a bit of time together the last few weeks when it was possible. She came up to my town for a mid-week meeting and stayed over last week Wed, then came back to go to a work party with me last Friday night and stayed. Then I headed her way for Saturday night and much of Sunday.... Before that, first weekend of the month, we got together on Saturday night and she tagged along with me to a family reunion on Sunday. She continues to struggle with her feelings (actually, I think the struggle regards accepting the fact that she's having love-like feelings.... she doesn't really know what to do with that aspect of herself...)

I continue to try to keep it light and fun. But, I'm open to more. I just think I need to let things go very slowly, partly to see what else arises. Not so much because I'm averse to far more involvement with A2, but more because the predictions / intuitions of others have involved others. Besides, I need to be careful about being too serious, too deep, too soon with anyone.... even someone who has a lot together including by and large "personal autonomy".

things with A2

are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".

That was a surprise.

She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.

I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.

I told her that I actually had examined that idea a little, and that I was finding it interesting that since I've had the opportunity to pursue casual / recreational sex, I haven't found that of interest. I've tended to stick to my preference to get to know a woman. Sex.... I've had great sex in the past with M. As I told A2, there isn't anything that I feel like I've missed or might find with someone else. Truly, we tried anything and everything, except light bondage, that either of us had any interest in at all.

Will I find that again?? Not terribly likely. Do I feel OK with that? Sure. Sex with A2 is more conventional. I'd love to expand the horizons a bit, but it's not critical.

Letter to B

Well, a card and letter is in the mail. It took 3 rewrites to come close to what I wanted to say. I'm having an interesting reaction -- a little concerned about how B may react, or if I'll hurt her (although I was quite careful with my words), or if she'll feel blamed (again, same comment).

Hopefully, though, she'll find some closure. I wouldn't mind seeing her casually now and then. But, I think that's probably not possible due to her becoming so attracted to me. Certainly if we were to get together again, I'll have to take care not to overdo it as we were doing before.

We literally had become almost engulfed in each other.... not a good sign at all.

B sent me a friendly text this weekend regarding an estate sale she saw. I ignored it. I know from msys previous relationship that people with some of the issues that B has do things like that to renew a connection, suck in the partner, etc....

That kind of thing is why I'll need to be really cautious about any other involvement with her. Nice while it lasted, but too many potentials for an unhealthy relationship.

Caution, big time!

how to tell / convey

my concerns and regrets.... Email seems wrong, somehow. I think I will slide by B's place to check the addy and draw up a letter. Seems better. Why? Responding to a text message about how she's having a hard time finding her peace in the situation between us....

It cannot go where she'd like it to. I can only do my best to be kind.

So what to tell B

Here's the issue I'm wrestling with. Having stepped back from the budding relationship with B, I was realizing I had fallen into some unhealthy patterns and responses... NEVER turning down and opportunity to get together (and we'd gotten so we spent almost every available non-work, waking moment together....) which was definitely approaching an unhealthy engulfment...

I also found myself having to abridge myself, my involvements with other friend. M, my decorator, for instance, observed that I really had ostracized my other female friends while getting more involved with B.... Which is true, and which is a pattern of behavior of trying to satisfy the woman's sensibilities, accommodate her insecurities, etc, etc...

But I compromised myself.

With some distance, I've come to realize that B has a lot of healing left to do and that having a relationship with her was going to be emotionally complex. DRAMA!!!! which I had quite enough of.

A2 is simpler. Probably not someone that I can be enhanced by in the sense of higher purpose / self, but otoh, A2 is unlikely to do harm....

I think B offers the unfortunate prospect of potential harm, or at the least, an arrest in higher self development. A contrasting opinion to what I had a few weeks ago, but one I think is accurate. A2 will neither help that aspect nor harm it, as far as I can tell.

And T is much more positive nowadays about A2's energy than about B's. Says B has way too much going on. T picks up on A2's general state of happiness and joyfulness -- something I've experienced too little of, partnership-wise.

So, bottom line is, I think I had fallen into some similar flawed patterns of behavior with B as I'd had with my last relationship with the borderline. No surprise, B had an abusive childhood and troubled relationship with her mom. I suspect there is something innate and needy I pick up on, despite her appearance as a strong, emotionally self-contained person....

I realize, but am at a loss how to convey, that for the foreseeable future, B and I can be friends, perhaps, but not more. More offers pain and unhealth in the relationship.

So far, A2 offers some simple joys and joie de vivre. Seems like an obvious choice!!

Break-ups and catching up

So, this should have been posted on 7/22/08, since the next day after that post I had a conversation with B where she said, "I need to step back from this relationship. I can't maintain my peace of mind. I'm not having fun.... etc".

I simply responded that it wasn't unexpected, that I had told her I would understand, and that I do understand.

That was pretty much that....

Meanwhile, this break-up event cleared the deck for me to get back to my more comfortable involvement with A2, whose birthday was coming up later in the week, to proceed... As it turned out, A2 was intensely hopeful about coming to my house to celebrate her birthday -- which we did and did "right".... Had a nice time going out. Made love. Started, more comfortably than ever, down a path of further, deeper involvement. I had been feeling stretched over my involvement and the way I was almost forcing the opportunity for things to proceed with B, instead of A2. And, as I say, the break-up took care of that stretching!!

A2 and I both had a common out of town business meeting as well commencing Sunday through Tuesday.... In fact, it was a bit of deja vu for when this really started in earnest. Same meeting / conference a year ago, where at the suggestion of a mutual friend, I approached A2 as a supportive friend and as someone I'd like to know better.... and here we are a year later, best friends, lovers, joyful companions....

What's wrong with that?? Why fight it??

In fact, as things evolved anew, I found myself "green-lighted" by both T (my intuitive) and Rosemary ( my astrologer) both of whom had cautioned me before, but now are feeling OK with where things seem to be and be going with A2.

T: I totally get it about the A2 thing. I think I really pick up on her feelings for you and maybe that's why I felt the need to question if I was wrong in my prediction. I feel very strongly that she feels VERY strongly about you! I know you know this, but I think it's actually stronger than you even realize. Not to complicate your situation or anything!!

BH: well, apparently, as dense as she is about the energetic level, others certainly do seem to pick up on A2's feelings!! Today, in a nondemanding, but totally honest way, A2 did make it clear that she's ready and very much interested in a "significant other" relationship with me. She reviewed the last year together and all the mutual support and learning... how much fun and enjoyment we find together. Etc. And I am very, very tempted. I do care for her a great deal. And I am questioning myself about foregoing the potential based on the possible astrological issues. Yes, I think B and I, esp based on Rosemary's reading, could have a great thing... but, probably not right now....

B has suddenly taken a turn toward withdrawal -- and I'm certain it's because she picks up energetically on A2's feelings.... In fact, A2 had been doing a great deal of thinking and planning and talking about with her cousin and her half-sister about me and how to tell me how she feels and such over the last few days... and I think B picked that up. That, and the fact that in a week, I'll be more in A2's proximity than I have been lately.... and B finds that threatening..... and, if I'm honest, I'm not all that ambivalent toward A2. She seems to be taking me for who I am, as I am.... She's a lovely, loving person.....

I have to confess, I am very much considering letting things go to a more serious point with A2....

B and I have a lot of common interests -- camping and hiking, for instance, that I won't be doing with A2 (but could with TC, as she's got those same interests as well.....) And, on a metaphysical level, Beth has already helped me be even more comfortable with that aspect of the universe..... There's a lot to be gained and learned by a relationship of some sort with her, but with this latest "shying away", I'm leaning hard toward just putting that situation on a friendship basis.....

Irony is, I had been leaning the other way, but this weekend is the latest of several unexpected withdrawal behaviors on B's part.... I'm kind of feeling like it's just not time for that one after all. Maybe later in this lifetime, maybe in another.... But, I'm feeling a bit like I might ought to just put that one on an "occasional keeping of company" basis.... I was trying to convince myself that I should keep Linda on a friendship -- nonsexual basis -- but now, I'm really feeling like there's just WAY too much baggage and doubt inside of Beth for a "preference" toward her to be entirely appropriate at this point.

So, you've sort of touched where I was leaning.... treading lightly.... She is very sensitive, on several levels..... She doesn't know about TC, since that was on the non-contact path while B has been part of my life.... But, I have to say, I'm more comfortable with the idea of dealing with my very good friend who became more, A2, should TC re-surface, than I am by the idea of what might transpire if Beth and I become more involved and then TC comes back into the picture....

I guess my trouble is, I find it too easy almost to love. I could fall in love with B, or with A2, or with TC, or even with you..... and I care deeply about treating women I care for with great grace and kindness......


I think things are still early enough with B to allow for keeping things very light.... and she won't find that terribly hurtful..... OTOH, if we were involved as we could get, and then TC came into it.... B would be greatly, greatly troubled.....

Bottom line is, B, for various reasons is being really hot / cold -- flaky toward me.... I'm not sure I care to jump on such an emotional roller coaster as that....

at this moment, I'm rather inclined to go ahead with the A2 thing and let it play out its course as it will.

hmmmmmm.......

message back to my intuitive

this message almost is a journal entry so I'm dropping it into my journal.

Hi BH,

T: I've been sooo busy! My horse tore his MCL (ligament) so I've spent an average of 8-10 hours a day at the barn for the past 6 weeks icing and bandaging him on and off. 50% chance of recovery from this.

B: Sometimes I'd love to have a horse myself, but for all the money and trouble.
I do hope it goes well.

T: I got your message also, regarding A2. I'd like to talk to you about this because maybe she could be the one afterall? I'm not sure where your feelings are for her. I should have a little more availability this

BH: I don't really recall what I said in my message. I've been keeping communication with A2 kind of minimal this week. I have become quite interested in pursuing a further relationship of some kind with B (however deep or long it may or may not be....). And I went down to A2's last Sunday afternoon (which B knew about and tried to be accepting about but was a little troubled by.... even though she knew my purpose was to clarify with A2 my intent to keep things at a friendship basis, and that without the "benefits" (much as I might like to indulge now and then, LOL).

Anyway, A2's thinking has been shifting toward MORE involvement between us even as mine has moved toward being careful to keep it where it is at.... She had difficulty hearing me, apparently, that I've been seeing a lot of B and am quite interested in her..... and even though A2 has been encouraging me to find others, etc, etc, Monday morning she let me know clearly she was ready to move ours up a notch.... I danced around that as best I could and have been real cautious about her the rest of the week.

She's my best friend and I greatly fear hurting her (more than this week has). But, without the guidances, I've come to realize that she has a lot of unresolved issues with true intimacy and relationships. She is extroverted, yes, but her self-esteem, ESP re relationships, is terrible. I think pursuing an actual, serious relationship with her, without her having dealt with those things, would only lead to great hurt (as the relationship would not likely last) and would end the friendship, or course.

When I add to that your guidance toward caution re: A2, Rosemary's very clear indications that that's a relationship to just have fun with -- more would tend toward problems -- and Christine's guidance (the same -- don't get too serious, don't go too far).... I am very comfortable about not going further than this strong friendship with A2. Even though my heart absolutely aches at the idea that I may (be) hurt her.

Meanwhile, Rosemary did B's chart for me yesterday. LOTS of good potential there. Likely some other/past like connection. Good potential for a great relationship there..... but will take time to develop. For one, B is still very cautious due to her last relationship, as am I in many ways.... for another, B senses that my heart may not be fully available and that I may not have acheived all the healing I need to yet.... not to mention, she's cautious about my "Scorpio moon" and her own heart! Anyway, Rosemary seems to think it will continue to unfold on through Sept and then maybe go some place.

BUT, then there's the TC factor. Rosemary drew cards on that situation, too. You and she remain convinced that TC and I have some future together.... She sees TC as finally coming back into the picture in late August, having finally dealt with some issues and realizing they were hers, not others, and asking herself about why she quit talking to me when it was enjoyable.... and starting the connection back up....

Sooooo.. let's see here. I have myself in a roil over A2's feelings for me. I still wonder about TC. She may come back into the picture in the middle of my trying to pursue some greater connection and relationship with B, who is also quite compatible chart-wise..... Maybe I should just back away from them all!!

Huge sigh.... (and suppressing a flirty comment about you.....LOL)

T: week. I've been so swamped since my horse got hurt trying to manage him and still ride another horse, take clients, take care of the kids since they don't have school and oh yea, I have a husband too! :) I'll try to give you a call when I'm going back and forth to the barn. I usually have about 10 minutes at a time.

BH: I've been ousted from my union presidency and am working at a regular job now. I can take a call if I am not occupied, but this week's day times has some crazy stuff in it.... so we may have a challenge getting each other. Evenings work, after 5:30 and somewhat early (because after 8:30 or so B and I are often together). Mornings, I'm generally up by 7 or 7:30 on my way to work at 8:45


Thanks. and best to you and your horse and all. /BH




Take care,

T

Love life a challenge

Out of town woman A2, having become my best friend, wants to be more finally -- but we're not really compatible astrologically, and she's got deeper issues to deal with than she realizes or seems willing to face.

Local woman very interesting and interested. But cautious. Astrologically compatible. Probably a past / other life (or several) connection.

Way out of town woman peeved at me last Spring, I'm told will come to grips with her issues and come back into the picture.... It's a mess.

I have the first one on my mind a lot (A2) as I am trying not to hurt her....

Major change in my world in the last few weeks. Hard to
explain, but I lost my presidency to a 25 y.o. boy.
3 years out of school, for pity's sake. Not really lived
life at all. Yet, my organization's executive board chose to
install him in my place.... weird politics in the background.
Again, hard to explain. Let's just say this kid was campaigning
for real in the background, while giving me a story about
being nominated as a token opposition. It's a decision that
will prove to be harmful to the members' interests, but
not one I can reverse or change.... So, life moves on.

Fortunately, I have a good relationship with my counterparts
at the employer and I have a job waiting if I want it. It's not
really a question of taking it -- and it's a good opportunity --
it's just a matter of details.

Big adjustment, though. I will go from being almost completely
self-directed, with fulsome authority and autonomy, to having
to follow directions and have almost NO autonomy. Ouch!!

But life has taught me, if nothing else, to be flexible and roll
with the punches. And more and greater opportunity is likely
to come along. The job waiting is at least a credible stop-gap
for me.

Angel oracle guidance tonight

Well, so I went to get a DVD from my shelf to put on and my
"Healing with the Angels" deck (Doreen Virtue) called to me...

So I went through just basic exercise of casting 3 or
4 cards.... Very, very interesting.

Card 1: recent past -- New Beginnings. Yipe!! (and NO KIDDING,
that sure is what's up!! From the booklet, "A clean slate is
presented to you as you now encounter fresh opportunities
and novel experiences.... Embrace the new in your life.....
Sometimes we cling to old routines because they are
familiar....the angels ask you to be open to
new approaches to life..... allow yourself to be
stretched.....

Card 2: present life situation -- Self-Acceptance.
"Let go of negative self-judgements and enjoy
being you.... While it's important to have high standards,
it's important to view yourself through loving eyes.

Card 3: Near future events -- Miracles. "Expect a miracle....
be open to allowing God to help you resolve your
challenges in ways that will surprise you....Blessings are
surrounding you right now. Be open to a miracle
coming your way.

Card 4: Further future -- Truth & Integrity. "You are
guided to be very honest with yourself, and to be
true to yourself in all of your activities and actions....
Let go of anything inauthentic and all activities that
do not mirror your highest intentions for yourself.
Surrender troubling conditions.... Release the unhealthy
situation(s) and healing will happen rapidly....Expect
a miracle when you decide to "be true to you".

more info

I have come to find out that there was far more going on covertly to engineer the recent change to my leadership capacity than met the eye at first. Much more. Quite disappointing, I must say, that people I thought respected me apparently do not. There is a fundamental lack of integrity that occurred that is very very troubling.

But, it's time for me to move on for now and let it be!!

Other consderations

This change is a large financial blow to me. I'm going to have to rapidly assess how to deal with that, as well. Probably starting with forcing M to deal with the house we own together. I CANNOT any longer support her by being the sole payor of the mortgage on that property. This situation FORCES me to a point of having to press her to pay the mortgage herself, or better yet, buy me out. Or sell the place. The status quo won't work.

I can afford my lifestyle and choices that are likely going to be available with a new placement at the employer -- if I only have to pay MY expenses and not the old "joint" expenses. She will have to find a way to "step up" or do something..... Or lose the house, together....

I also have a very nice Ford F-150 that I probably better get serious about trying to sell. For the time being, if I can get rid of it, I should be able to pick up another cheap around town vehicle that could be minimally insured. With no truck payment and low insurance payments, that too would help massively in my new financial situation to come.

OTOH, I think I have to continue making at least basic progress with my own house. Certainly getting the carpeting installed as planned. Roof?? Needed, but I'm not sure what I'll do with this situation being what it is....

We'll just have to see.

Life changes

Today, my life took yet another unexpected turn. In effect, I lost a job that I thought was quite secure. I had a leadership position with an organization, governed by an executive board that elects the organization's leadership / officers. We've had a political war with some dissenters from within the greater membership for the last year.... which I thought I'd handled by and large gracefully for the organization. However, the board apparently, with perhaps too little aforethought, decided otherwise... and elected new leadership.

It's disquieting that they did such a thing with virtually no prior warning. I really did not see this coming.

Thing is, I don't know as they really assessed the potential consequences of their actions. I don't know as they understand that ultimately, they've fallen into the traps laid by the dissenters, even though the board is not part of that dissenting effort. They've essentially ratified the criticism mounted against me, personally.... and by extension, indicted the organization.

Not to mention, they've put a leader in place who is too young, has too little experience, etc. I don't think the broader membership is going to be well served by this change. It would be one thing to move toward succession in a considered and measured fashion. But what they've done here, however naively or inadvertently, bodes ill for the future of the organization. That worries me.

For my part, I am trying to stay optimistic -- confident that I will get through this in good order. Be placed in a good opportunity with the employer and that I will be, for my part,
OK in the long run. Big change.... but OK.

Still, I am disturbed and disquieted. All I can do is let things transpire as they will, though, and be open to a better future than ever.... whatever that may be for me.

Practically speaking, mucking out my office is not a small thing.... I'm not the most organized, either... So there are masses of papers to go through and organize in some fashion, even if that isn't my best talent. Mentoring the new leadership quickly.... etc, etc.... All that is more daunting to me than the prospects of finding a placement again at the U.

Big sigh.....