Nonsense

Last night and this morning felt a little tense and troubled to me, if that's not already obvious. I'm almost thinking it got triggered primarily last night when B asked about a meeting notification that had been sitting out in the open for her to see and to remind me of for a city related reception tonight.  

"You haven't said anything but from that notice on the counter it looks like you have a meeting tomorrow night"

I replied that I hadn't thought real hard about it, went out and looked, and then came back and said, "yeah, I probably should plan to go". That was the end of it. But the remainder of the evening seemed a little strained from her direction. 

Makes me feel like I can't have pre-approved/arranged time out.... 

And I was probably being a little avoidant. 

After all, most of the past ten days since I first received that notice, has been strained and troubled over my need to go to my old hometown, etc.... 

And then this morning she makes her "nothing is really changing" remark - so we don't need to go to therapy.... 

humph. 

WTF now

Well my dear journal. Here we are again. Trying to cope with wonky feelings out of a partner. Today, just before I was leaving for work, B suggested canceling therapy because "nothing is really changing." whatever the hell that means. Mind you she was "willing to go if you have some things you want to talk about".

What's to talk about. Over the past ten days, her behaviors and anxieties and insecurities swelled up at an utterly inappropriate time imho. I was informed of the loss of a cherished teacher whom I have remained loosely in touch with for over 30 years. His passing hurts. It was only reasonable that I would want to go to the associated visitation and funeral, and yes, preferably, by myself. B doesn't know anyone in my old home town. She'd not have enjoyed the challenge of engaging strangers and waiting patiently as I caught up with old friends and acquaintances. And I would not have cared to worry more about her comfortability than my own needs to talk and reminisce.

This should NOT have been difficult - for me to take an overnight and a day away from her for a visitation and funeral. And yet, she had the usual crisis of confidence in the relationship. Wondering over and over if I would just be looking/finding some old friend to get involved with like Sarah. My god. I understood the doubt that would be raised if I visit FL by myself since that's where Sarah lives. But THIS?? Are you kidding.

So, yes, the situation has introduced significant doubt into my mind about the viability of the relationship. Feelings I have kept at bay by force of will when they were simply reactions to an understandable situation. But this. This is hard to understand.

My orientation is that she should eventually get over the feeling of betrayal and mistrust - after all, the matter occurred over 3 years ago now. And while I had dinner and shared long conversation, and that in secret, nothing more happened or was even GOING to happen. But the T says it might be that B can never get over it. OK. So how does a couple live with that?

For B's part, she's mentioned that she's trying to move to a place where she just accepts that "whatever happens, happens" that she has no control and no reason to expect something.... not sure what - fidelity? Honesty?  I'm not sure what she thinks she should just get on with accepting and not trying any longer to change or make different.

I don't quite know what to think at this point.

I'm having repeats of feelings and needs to cope that harken back to M in a big way.

This isn't good.

And we don't need to see the T?

I guess I can concede - I'm not sure what we'd talk about at this point and how we'd do it in just one hour. My hurt? B already knows of that. My thoughts that we ought to be at a place of trust and honesty (but do not seem to be) and hers that we can never get there and that I continue to keep info closeted? Already know that.

Her new relationship fatalism that arises off and on? I presume she'll talk to her own T about that.

I just don't know. I hate the idea that we can't make this work and it might need to just end and both of us move on. That's a pain in the ass. But maybe, due apparently to my misjudgment 3 years ago, this relationship is just fatally flawed.

Ah the telephone thing. Again

So, at the therapy session, the T surprised us both with her attitude about snooping on the partner's email (and by extension, phone). T's attitude was, "Whatever you need to do to deal with your trust questions/issues". 

So.... another union leader called me yesterday to see if I was interested in a committee position. That call came from Traverse City. 

B met my TC friend (more like former friend) some weeks back at a house party. TC and I scarcely talked. Anyway, B did comment and ask about it afterward. "You dated her some didn't you?" I stated that no, I would not really consider anything we did to be dating. Merely had been friends for a time.... 

Well, when I got the call and got done, I left it in my call log thinking, "I wonder if this will cause an issue"..... 

Sure enough.... 

"I'm going to ask you a question  you're not going to like...." OK

"I saw a call on your phone with a 231 area code. Did you call TC because you're unhappy with me?" 

Nope. Then I explained who called and the nature of the call, incoming. 

B then apologized for the suspicion. 

I'm trying to be not too bothered about it, but I am a little bit. Hence my journaling. 

Fact is about TC that I would NOT call her unless I was altogether out of a relationship. I'm not sure my call would be welcome. And I know it would take a serious period of friendship first before anything there could be possible.... And, frankly, TC is a little crazy too I think. I'd have to think long and hard and be careful about getting too involved, methinks. 

She's lovely. Very slender, almost anorexic looking, vegetarian, exercises excessively. I suspect compulsions are involved with the eating and the exercise.... and for relationships....well, I don't think she's terribly well-adjusted in that area.... 

Nuff said. 

too friggin' sensitive

Catching up a few events.....

So....  Tuesday night when I was messing around looking at some clothing-optional places for B and I to potentially go to.... it triggered a memory and question from her. "Did I walk in on you a week or so ago when you were trying to get off watching porn on the computer?"

She did.

I answered that she had. We talked a bit more about the details - "Do you do two-way chat?" Nope! Only free video. She stated she didn't like it that well. Doesn't mind the masturbation. Just doesn't like the porn connection. It ended up eventually getting a little strained for me, and eventually I got in a pretty anxious and agitated state of mind.  I said so, admitting exactly how I was feeling (which is unusual, since I tend to keep a bridle on most emotions). That actually was a bit helpful and apparently humanized me a little. In fact, she brought it up at our first couples therapy session the next day.

So, therapy..... Went OK. Mostly touched everything I would have expected. T says, "Can't live like that - with the underlying lack of trust over the Sarah incident". Made it clear B needs to either set that aside, or the relationship will have to end. Advised me not to be such an "avoider" and to be more open. Etc.  Eventually the porn bit came up, lightly, except that the T asked me, "How often do you view porn?" I picked number "Maybe once a week". The T moved on.

But B was really troubled by "finding out how often you actually are viewing porn." thinks that's excessive, etc. Over the last few couple days she's been anxious, depressed, not sure about the relationship (seems like there is always something every few weeks to make her unsure....)

I have explained the streaky interest I have - that it happens in spurts (pardon the pun). Sometimes I'm bored and interested for a day or two, and then not again for weeks or months. The once a week thing was just something I pulled out of the air, really.

I actually thought that sounded minimal, not excessive.... well, we disagree on that.

So, I'm trying to take a complete holiday from that form of entertainment. I still think it does me no harm, and I'm very very moderate with it....

And it really would be better if one of the results of this nonsense was a more regular and dependable sex life between us.... cuz I know that's one of the pressures that brings about an interest.

and life goes on.

unsettled mind and heart

Just went for a walk and as I did, I became very much aware of how disquieted and upset I still am about B's Wednesday night outburst.

Instead of being "slightly peeved" and simply coming to me and asking me to put her bicycle seat back down, she went into an intensely angry and accusatory state.

I did not deserve that.

I definitely feel emotionally frayed as a result.

And I'm troubled about a statement she made in the kitchen during the latter, calmer conversation. She said, "You know how you left M when you felt the the troubles in the relationship was affecting your health? Well, I'm thinking about that myself in our case because of the way our relationship affects my emotional health." [not verbatim - rather a paraphrase of what I recall her saying].

Well, I have to tell you that I feel as if she's as much as accusing me of emotional abuse. That is what I realized I was experiencing, burying into my body, and had affecting my physical health with M. And therefore, I feel as if she's drawing an equivalency - aka more or less saying that I'm emotionally abusive.

I have such a hard time fathoming where she's coming from with all this.

I defer to her wishes and preferences most of the time. I'm extremely courteous and by and large very considerate about my schedule, how I engage her and the world, and so on.

As far as I can tell, her primary issue is that I'm not meeting her needs PERFECTLY (now THAT is a bpd thought pattern, ain't it!!) and when she's angry with me, I can rarely see her point or agree with her faulting of me. When I DO, I apologize and do what I need to to rectify the matter.

Anyway, she tends to take my confidence in myself and my generally good intentions and motivations as refusal to take responsibility for my action/fault/the issue - whatever. And when I react softly and carefully to a conflicted conversation, I'm "arrogant" in my manners and "talking down to her".

Feels a whole lot like "no win" territory again.

Now, today she woke up practically asleep on her feet.

I don't know whether she spent an emotionally troubled night for some reason. I don't know if there's something I need to know or yet another conflict in the offing.... but I sure don't like the uncertain emotional feelings, not to mention the bruised emotions I have from two days ago.

I'll try not to overreact or initiate any undue conflict for my part.... but we'll see where things go.

Hmmm.... another thing threw me today, too. She says, "What are your plans for the weekend? Any?".

That bothers me, because the implication is that I may have made some plans without involving, consulting, arranging, or informing (with) her.

That's not my character and not my history. I'm trying to leave it be as just a clumsy way to have asked about the weekend.... but I am bothered by the premise that I might have made heretofore unknown plans.

Really?? Have I EVER done that in this relationship?? Nope.

Sure hope she gets a handle on this stuff....

But, plain fact is, I'm having to begin to mentally consider a "life after...." yet again.

Huge fight over an inch of a bicycle post

OMFG, Wednesday evening, B woke me gently from a nap on the couch and then harangued me with a very angry outburst of accusations. Disrespect, lack of consideration, controlling, and the like.

Why?????

Because I had raised her bicycle seat 1 inch. ONE inch. Really??? This is the cause of an angry outburst and a troubled conversation and evening to follow.... and lack of sleep....

Well, not entirely. I did get a little hot back at her, barking "Stop it!!" when she would not let up at all. Of course, then THAT was a big deal.... "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER. YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER ME. HOW DARE YOU!!!!!"

Oh my but it was damned near deja vu all over again....

But outside of the one bark, I stayed pretty calm and collected. As the passion cooled a bit, it came out that B is STILL carrying a boatload of resentment and anger over "the disrespect you showed me in your messages to your friend Polly". She and her therapist had apparently discussed this a bit, this week  I suppose. Mind you, this continued negative feeling is lingering weeks after the time she read my email, and after we spent what was for the most part a nice, very coupled time in D.C. in early July. But I digress....

Her therapist agreed that it ought to be OK for me to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex to get together with now and again, talk, etc.... but that "intimate information about your relationship ought not to be part of the conversation. It should be things like 'Oh, we had a very nice time in D.C.'"

B, to her credit, isn't sure that's quite reasonable.... But one remark she made was that she, B, would be pretty wary of "you having conversations with someone that are too intimate and that could eventually lead to an affair.... that's how those things happen...."

Oh for.....

It cannot get any safer than Polly. SHE is in a committed relationship that she is working hard to keep working.  I'm in the same....  Polly has NEVER been attracted to me. I long ago got past any outright sexual attraction to her. And even if I did feel that, I DON'T FUCK AROUND ON MY PARTNER.

And neither would Polly.

This regular, repeating conflict of B feeling like the underdog in the relationship - financially and otherwise, insecure about my fidelity, and frankly, the primary burden of sustaining the relationship financially resting on me (I buy 3/4 of our food for home and when we go out) is getting really really old....

Under fire

So, I've been a bit "under fire" since B, who was looking at my emails ("I know I shouldn't have been" she told her therapist, found these exchanges with my ONLY safe, platonic female friend:

Early April, from me to Polly:  B and I are doing fairly well, although she continues to have one helluva time with the "green eyed monster". I try really hard not to give her cause, but little issues arise regardless. Oh well. Can't be our age and not have a little baggage...


Then, this one on Jun 20:
hmmmm... I noticed you weren't that active on FB, and hoped you were just withdrawing from that for a while and not either depressed or peeved at me for my political postings. ( I had just been to the political  rally on Tuesday and posted a few items from that....)

Anyway, similar to you and  Bob, things go pretty well for me and B. Our issue is probably the complete opposite of yours, though. B and I probably tend to be overly together. I enjoy her company and our relationship, but frankly a lot of the reason I don't initiate time on my own is because she continues to struggle with relationship insecurities and sometimes near-paranoia that I am either involved with another woman(s) or am seeking to be or soon will be.... Odd triggers will set off that mood. Like when I had briefly logged in the the campus Exchange Calendar to using Outlook Web Access - she stumbled on to the history and thought I had "yet another email account you secretly use". Another was when she had trouble accessing the Verizon account. I thought she had the access she needed, but she didn't, so then I was "hiding something".  You get the drift. Of course, I'm just about as faithful as they come, but she's still not easily shaking the early years of our relationship when I was involved with her and A2.... but that was before we were exclusive.... She sees a therapist, and we may eventually see one together for relationship purposes.

Of course, she's not the only one with a few "issues" in the relationship, LOL. I am sometimes pretty chagrined at how interactions between her and I can trigger my reactions and PTSD that I still carry from being with M. Last Sunday I thought she was bothered about something - because she seemed quiet and more withdrawn - and it triggered a wary and extremely cautious mood in me (actually that's not quite a negative enough description). She then picked up on MY mood, thought it was "because it was Father's day and you hadn't heard from your sons yet...." and tried to be careful around me - which exacerbated my upset, etc, etc....

Late in the day we sorted out - she said she didn't have anything going on or on her mind - that she just thought I was upset, when I was not..... at least not until I thought SHE was upset.... LOL.

Ain't love grand.

And the vacation thing is complicated for us too. With B being self-employed, it's often best to take a long weekend and not a full week's vacation. I'm adjusting to that. Vacation budget's a challenge, of course, too. And, similar to what you're saying, often there has to be an evaluation of whether to take time away with each other or go visit my relatives - Son and fam in NC, or my folks in FL, or even my aged uncle and aunt in rural podunk.

I figure for the most part she and I are just fine and pretty well adjusted. We definitely need to work on some things. And frankly, I figure most out there are in far worse mental/emotional shape than she or I am. I'm not going to fall into the trap of looking for the most perfect relationship in the universe.....

Hi Birdie,

I'm fine, and thanks for asking.  Guess I was getting tired of people saying "why don't you ever get on facebook' type of stuff.  So for now I just temporarily discontinued my page.  I can bring it up any time, just taking a break from all the computer stuff.  Things are still going with Bob, but kind of slowly for me.  I'm in a different place than he is regarding our relationship.  We are so compatible in almost every regard, besides the closeness/relational (me) vs autonomy (him) needs.  I struggle with how much time he chooses to go fishing, hunting, the races, etc. without me.  At this point in my life I want a partner who wants to include me in the things he's passion about and spend time with me first then fits those other things in (definitely there needs to be a balance, but the balance just seems off.  I've been with him almost 2 years and although we've done 'vacation' type of things together, it's always with friends, family, etc.  We have never had a vacation just with the two of us.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want as much time as he gives to the other things in his life. Hey?  Anyway, the positive thing is that we are talking about it and compromising... no anger, no bitterness, etc., just fair and reasonable conversation.  It's so different that in the past for me.  I can speak my voice and know how Bob will respond.  It's nice being able to be vulnerable with someone and not fearing them.  So anyway.. didn't mean to run on.. (some things never change) but it has just been a little speed bump in the road, but I think we'll get through it.
It would be great to have lunch sometime if you could squeeze it in.

Let me know how you're doing and life is treating you.
Hugs,

Polly 

Admitting it. I am getting concerned

Good news is, B asked me to see what I could do to schedule us with my T for couples therapy.

Bad news is the bad stuff from last night is sticking with me a bit. I had hoped for more understanding if even I told her about making the clandestine appointments with my T... but NO.... even if it can be understandable, the "lying is a big deal" bit hit the wall like flying shit.

As B moaned and groaned that "every time I start to feel close enough to maybe be on your insurance, move in, have our lives more intertwined, something like this happens that fires up my doubts."  I almost said that I had also been contemplating "enmeshing" our lives more.

I caught myself before it came out of my mouth as I had a sudden clear realization that "enmeshed" was the very word and concept of relationship (issues) that had been at the edge of my consciousness but never quite had broken through.

So today I am somewhat examining the proposition that maybe things aren't so healthy as they should be.

She admits being "pretty emotionally dependent" at this point - that sounds a bit enmeshed. She also "does not want to become even more dependent, yada yada." Which I interpret as continued fear of the commitment not working out (and actions and reactions reinforcing that potential reality, quite frankly).

I'm thinking a bit about how I don't feel free to take time alone, go off by myself, pursue solitary activities.... and I find that she seems to need to know where I am, will be, doing etc.... that sounds pretty enmeshed.

I was especially struck today as I ignored a possible cheap flight to FL to visit my folks because the relationship seems a bit in crisis again.

I don't read my Playboy much or openly.

I feel compelled to pretty much "be with B" whenever possible.

I observe that she seems to have a tremendous fear that the relationship will end/not last - aka "fear of abandonment".

I know she's had a good deal of emotional abuse and baggage from it stemming from childhood treatment from her mother.

Maybe I've been turning a blind eye to all this because it's been comfortable to have someone around, to presume some help would be there if my health deteriorates, etc, etc....

But I'm not so sure this can happen with B or that she can find what she needs with me.

Maybe some couples therapy will help that determination.

As B said, doing it can be pretty scary because you don't really know if it might lead toward a better relationship or a conclusion that it just won't work and it's time to move on....

Yeah, that's true. But I suppose it's better for that to happen along with professional guidance..... in either case.

A fight about lying when asked about appointment

So it came out last night that I lied when B asked if I was seeing or going to see my T. I knew that it'd cause a ruckus.  I expressed why - that I preferred that to be private and hadn't wanted to add to her relationship anxieties, etc. (She thought perhaps I was going to go to T like I did before - to work through how to break up.

I gave B some sense of what was covered and that nothing had come out that I felt required subsequent conversation between us. And, I had fully covered what I thought was the two major reasons for the relationship/commitment fear. That is Sarah and Linda.

I was troubled to find that she also continues to nurse wounds about "my friend Layla that you emailed and that friend Lori that you tried to get in contact with".

So, that's 4 transgressions I guess.

And I'm pretty bothered by the latter. She's never accepted my truthful explanation that my email to Layla was simply to be neighborly (single mom, struggling with school moved in to the neighborhood) and that I had NO INTEREST whatsoever in the woman.

Same with Lori. Old high school connection that my mom had let me know about. Lori was trying to recover from serious alcoholism and rehab and needed friends. Again, no interest on my part other than as a potential and supportive friend. (The lady is kind of homely in her FB pictures...)

Bothersome....

Tension and fight

last night. Came home from our patio bar, B had seemed a bit reticent, so I asked what was going on. Got kind of a blast, not huge, more of an irked tone about how "you seemed to invite me to lunch at the PC lunch wagon on Friday, but then you almost immediately withdrew the invite. Since then I've tried to get clarification about plans and you just say you'll have to check....."

Listening to the overtones, I gathered she felt rejected in some manner.

I reacted a little heatedly but not with angry. Energetic, if you will, with my response.... It became clear that she had NO recollection of my specifying EXACTLY where the lunch wagon would be. Further, I had NO idea she thought the plan was only tentative, etc. We went round a bit.

She went to the complaints about "the high tone you take and the sarcasm when you respond in these arguments.  I told her that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be entirely sanguine or phlegmatic in my tone and responses. Can't do it.

Anyway, as more came out, she still has sore memories of a week ago at the same bar, as well as Sunday's unpleasantness. "I don't really even want to go back to the patio bar. We ALWAYS fight after...." Not true, and I called her on some of her absolute statements.....

But, bottom line is apparently she's stewed a bit about that and other stuff for a few days... Plus she went back to the "we rarely have sex anymore" and all that.

It's weird to me that while SHE was stewing and wondering, again, about the relationship, I was exploring the idea  in my head and the practicality of getting married while we are visiting KY in a couple weeks.

This has happened before - where I think we're doing well, comfortable, can probably do the long term thing, might just as well do the marriage thing (and solve a whole passel of financial issues for HER.... and while these thoughts are in my head, SHE suddenly (it seems) has a relationship crisis.

I truly don't know quite what to think of that.

Head f**ked up at the moment

So.... in the last 24 hours, B has managed to react to my being on my iPod touch when she had gone to the bathroom (and the line was too long)....

and she got her jealous/suspicious attitude going..... all I was doing was occupying myself by hitting FB for a moment in the restaurant.... she, of course, has this knee jerk thought that I might be communicating with some other woman - A2 in particular.... which hacks me off. In fact, when she misheard a name I referenced (Nick) she inferred I was referring to Rick who was a running mate of A2 in a union election, etc.... which simply confirmed what I thought she had going on in her head....

then a few hours ago, while whiling time away with my grand-d, in the context of people (women) who are both beautiful and highly intelligent, I mentioned a recollection of a couple of young lady friends I had made several years ago (not seen now for at least a couple) who were very good looking AND taking double MA, MS, or Doctoral program courses... I don't recall exactly. Anyway, my point was that I have learned to assume little/nothing regarding intellect based on appearances....

But I perceived her negative reaction to my mentioning having had a couple friends, etc, in that way.... It irks me because these were "passing friends" or "hello friends". Literally, I was pleased to interact, come across as other than some dirty old man, and that I was able to occasionally bump into them at the bar or at QD and exchange a pleasant hello.  that's it....

I'm not very happy about her reaction - feeling like there is yet more I need to be careful NOT to express, and to be careful about referencing, etc.... not a way I wish to live.

I'm trying to let it go though, and write it off to her not feeling well.

But still... it's under my skin. 

Unbelievable - intuition and inappropriate quizzing

I'm terribly upset.

B just called me - started out quite breezy and friendly. Then she ask, "I was just wondering if dealing with me is making you feel compelled to go back to your therapist?".

It's as if the intuited the very thing I've done to try and begin to assess my role in this relationship. (I called N to schedule a "tune-up".

I was blown away, and got more and more defensive. And frankly pretty upset.

When B said she'd been careful in how she'd asked and didn't understand why I was so upset.

I finally had to tell her that I found it too too private to share whether or not I was going to go to my therapist to visit issues I might be having within a current relationship.

What about my being taciturn about certain things is so hard to understand. I have been throughout this relationship. Or any relationship.

I'm vastly open about most things, including things I shouldn't have to be. But there are those I do and will keep to myself, period.

Another catch-up post. Foolish jealousy and doubt issues. Again!

this was from a month or so ago....

Getting to be a theme. And a little tiresome. Monday past, 4 days after the conversation I had with KB (boss's boss) and all the consternation that had caused.... it came out in a telephone conversation that B had continued to be troubled and thinking about it.... Sigh.

She asked me "did you invite KB to go out for coffee or drinks sometime or something like that". Kind of shocked me. I was feeling too poorly to react hotly or negatively, which is probably just as well. And of course I was able to tell her the truth - which is absolutely not. I also expressed a little surprise and concern at the question.

B explained that the description of KB I had used, that she's quite bubbly, blonde, energetic, vivacious, enthusiastic, those kinds of words.... she couldn't help but interpret as attraction on my part toward KB. It's as if she can't distinguish between my acknowledging that a woman is attractive, and being (or, actually allowing myself to be) actively attracted to that person.

Anyway, upon further conversation and air clearing, it occurred to me, and I expressed that the descriptive terms I had used were simply the ones we (my work peers and I ) had been using in conversation to describe this lady. And the idea that this will likely be a fairly positive organizational move for our dept. That seemed to help. That I was using a kind of collective description.

Anyway, I think maybe I need to try and help B understand that I have forEVER been very disciplined about 1) acknowledging that I am attracted to a women (when that is the case) and 2) choosing whether to act on that attraction (which has been extremely rare for me). By far, I have always actively chosen NOT to do any such thing. And such has never happened in any casual social situation at all. Nor would I be foolish enough to mix supervisory authority or work for that matter and love and sex.

This, again, is much different from a simple acknowledgement that a woman is attractive. I see plenty of those that I am not attracted to - or at least take no effort in getting to know in any way to see if I might be. Just not how I roll.

Rough weekend, shocks to the relationship

I'm not sure where to begin in trying to sort out my thoughts. I guess chronologically will have to do....

So we had a concert Saturday night. I expected to come home feeling positive and warm. But that got blown out of the water as I found B "checking your phone". I initially said, "So" and tried to shrug it off. I actually leave my phone available for her to access and check as she feels a need. I know she has her periodic insecurities - and I did have meetings over the last 10 days where A2 was in attendance, which try as B might.... always stirs her concerns.

So anyway, I didn't care one whit that she was checking my phone. But she went on to explain, unfortunately, which led to quite a to-do. She explained that "when you were nowhere to be found as we lined up for the second half of the concert, people wondered where you are and some put ME on the spot." She went on to express that "you usually disappear during the rehearsal break and come back late and some people 'ask me where you are'. Last Monday, I  just said, 'Oh probably on the phone like always'.

I took a fair bit of umbrage because of the again, clear implication that she still thinks I have someone else on the side, or that I actively keep connections open, seek new ones, or otherwise philander in some manner. I was incensed. We talked it through, reasonably. But it does grind me that this happens over and over. Her insecurities flare more than I really think they should.

The ironic thing is that because of her horrendous high cost of paying for her own medical insurance, I'd been thinking about how me might try to at least work out a "marriage of convenience" so she could be covered under my employer-provided insurance. The last time we touched the matrimonial subject, it didn't go all that well - I want some level of pre-nuptial agreement - she want some assurance of some security and that she "wouldn't walk away with nothing" if the marriage ended.... Not sure the concerns can be reconciled.

Point is, I was feeling a bit more trusting in the relationship and somewhat more open to working out marriage details - but struggling with whether I might be engaged in rescuer/co-dependent thinking. It's interesting that on a regular enough basis that I sense a pattern, if I begin to feel close and have those feelings, something on her part - usually the insecurities - flare up and become difficult again.

But as I said, we talked that out well enough and worked toward a more positive feeling for the remainder of the evening.

Then came the Sunday shoplifting episode. We spent a lovely afternoon watching the NCAA B-ball and were walking home from the bar when B said she wanted to stop in to CVS - there had been something in the ad that had caught her eye. Wine, maybe. B had had 3 glasses of wine at the bar, and I'd had a number of beers. I was OK, but apparently her impulse control disappeared.

I wandered away from the wine aisle for a moment to find a flyer to show to her. When I came back, she was elsewhere in the store. I went looking, thinking she might be in the bathroom or something as I looked up each aisle and failed to see her. Then at the last aisle, here she is with a CVS person (turned out to be the store manager) speaking to her. At first I thought she was just getting a question answered. But as I moved within earshot, I heard him saying, "You are old enough to know better...." Seemed very odd to me. So of course I said, "What's going on?" At which point I found out she had just been spotted/busted for shoplifting a expensive Olay beauty product. He stated that she was spotted and on video committing the shoplifting. With a stricken look, she admitted to the attempted theft. But the store needed ID at this point. She had unloaded her purse of at home and had no driver's license/ID with her. The store manager was not interested in having a "first time shoplifter" arrested. But was polite and firm in stating that the store and our town's police required that he put B's identification information on the "store ban list". After which if B were to come into the store (for the next year) she might be arrested.  He politely allowed me to leave my info temporarily as long as me or B called shortly with her DL number for the record.

I am still in a bit of a state of shock. We had some discussion on the walk home - she wanted to know immediately if I was going to end the relationship over this. I was pretty taken aback by the whole episode, but I needed time to integrate the whole thing - including my feelings and reactions.

When we got home it got more wooly as I tried to express some level of understanding about how her circumstances financially might lead her to do something like this. She fussed quite a bit about feeling under a lot of pressure to try to keep up with me financially and referenced the unpleasant row from last summer when I got angry about her not keeping commitments to pay her own travel costs, etc.

So, I somewhat understand her financial challenges - her health care premium is $550 per month and her rent has to be paid on top of that - and her income stream is inadequate. But the theft was really quite a blow to my trust in her.

At this point I really am wondering if there's much reason to continue on the long haul with B. Maybe she just can't get past A2, and the business with Sarah that happened a month after B and I became exclusive (nothing happened but dinner, but it was secret and I got busted). And on top of that this financial pressure she feels, etc, etc.

OTOH I don't give up easily - and part of me still noodles around the idea that if her medical insurance, and maybe even her rent didn't have to be paid out - perhaps she could be more relaxed about her financial situation....

And, my grand-D is coming to visit in a week and a half - we'll have her as we like for a long weekend at the end of this month.... and she likes B quite a bit. I don't really want to make a move to end the relationship just before the grand-D visits. But I'm also not sure what really needs or should happen in the longer run.

And I remain uncertain whether my doubts and thoughts and unwillingness to end, NOW, are simply my own codependency at work.

So, I'm seriously considering a few sessions with my therapist....

spring might be springing!!

First deck day. B and I had a very nice, WARM couple hours on a local watering hole's deck.... Nice!!

Other strange news

M, my ex, is well into the process of filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Strangely, she listed me as one of her possible creditors. I tried to check with her attorney about what that nonsense was all about, but never connected with him. Oh well. She didn't owe me any money. I suppose there could be an effect on the remaining joint assets (some timeshare stuff). Or she may pull some shenanigans. Can't do a thing about it though.

I think a big part of the reason for her filing is the foreclosure on our old house/property. I'm sure there's a fair sized deficiency balance that will result when the bank finally fully possesses that place and sells it. Apparently she still thinks, and has an attorney to help accomplish it, that she might yet force them to restructure her mortgage..... But I doubt that will actually happen.

For one, she's reserved all the money that should have gone toward the mortgage - the lady has $12k in the bank for heaven's sake. I think the laws require that there be at least a little effort that continues by the debtor to pay regularly on the mortgage....

Too bad. It's a really nice house and property. It'd be kind of nice to get it back by a purchase, but it's still too far out for a satisfactory commute and for being even remotely active in a social scene.

Will be mildly interesting to see what transpires.

Feeling disquieted

Last night on my way out the door I caught my new boss's  boss and had some conversation I'd wanted to for a while. Regarding certain issues with arbitrary policies dictated by my immediate supervisor, and more general topics about our business as well. Anyway, I didn't recollect that B was going to be home by shortly after 6p.

I got home at roughly 6:40 and rather than make up an excuse or story, I simply told the truth about where I'd been and why I was a bit late. Mind you, I didn't expect B to be home before 7 or 730 per normal. She said she told me of the early quit, but I didn't hear it.

Anyway, it did pass through my mind that since this new boss is a woman.... B might have her now all-too-typical jealous/insecure reaction.... She did.

Last night after we went to drinks and dinner a bit more came out. I didn't think it was a negative conversation, just a conversation. But I think she stayed a bit tense about it. Doesn't help that she had some lousy medical news yesterday and was feeling a little unwell herself, just as I am not feeling great (I continue to be struggling to get over this nasty winter bug that's hit the Midwest).

Anyway, as I contemplate some of what was said and has been said, it's occurring to me that deep down B truly believes that I am either actively unfaithful, or that I inevitably will be. She cannot seem to accept in her subconscious that it can be otherwise.

If my analysis is true, I think that augers poorly for the future of the relationship. I don't see how a couple can have a long-term, vital, honest relationship when one of the two cannot bring themselves to believe the other will keep a fidelity commitment.

I think that's a huge concern. However, at the moment, I'm also realizing that with health issues and feeling generally lousy, it's pretty hard for either of us to tolerate much emotional roil and cognitively put it aside....

So, I'll try to continue to be patient and quiet about this concern. Still.....

Hmmm... Been sick for 5 days with a nasty URI. B is on the downside with hers - she's been ill - hard at times - for nearly a month, poor thing. I think I'll have this pretty well done by Sunday, myself. There will be a little residual, but not all that much. This is similar to the bug that took me out for 5 days last May.  ( I could not recall when, but my fussy boss lady mentioned it in terms of a possible work slip. . 

So anyway, I didn't have the energy to rise to a fight with B just before noon. Had to give her a lot of reassurance - apparently I left my browser set to "Private browsing" all day without realizing it.... and she encountered that last night (she always alleges to do such things accidentally - "not snooping".... I'm not so sure about that.)

So, of course, that gave rise last night to her usual rounds of anxiety about other women, that I am involved in some way shape or form (easy sex, seeking other relationship(s), etc).

I'm not and told her exactly that, yet again. She did press to know why I had bothered to be privately browsing then and I told her truthfully that I'd take a quick look at some porn, but then realized I was really in no mood or state to continue with that viewing and such. Told her, again truthfully, that that's the only reason I ever use that function.

One of my responses - that she could have seen exactly what I'd been up to by checking history turns out to be errant on my part. I experimented afterward and discovered that nothing is tracked at all during the private session, period. I thought some was, at least in the cache, until one quits out of the private use. Oh well, my error.

Anyway, when I said that, she denied looking/checking the history - says she doesn't "snoop in your stuff..."

Yeah, sure. That's why the mail client I KNOW I quit out of I regularly find open after she's been on the computer.

Doesn't other me much. I try to be mostly, but not utterly, an open book.

She was pretty worried that I'd have a very negative reaction and end the relationship. That harks back to a couple weeks ago when I did some air clearing with her about some concerns of mine that had arisen - and told her that if I felt like I was consistently back in a situation where MY anxieties (tightness of chest, that sort of thing) were getting regularly triggered due to her sometimes withdrawn, quiet disposition that sometimes is just her, but often is a sign that "there's troubledness" nigh.... If I started feeling regularly as I once did with M, I'd end the relationship.

She did wonder for herself if there are maybe too many toxic elements for here in this relationship as well....

But in this particular case, partly because I don't feel well enough for umbrage, we had a reasonable and level airing of her concerns and my responses.

All in all, that's progress - went well.

makes me wonder

ending two plus weeks of being off, most of that time spent with B. A brief trip to Chi town went nicely. Most of it has been good. But, I wonder.....

I wonder how things can go pretty well, seem like we're on an even keel, and then blow up a bit. Aspects of event remind me too much of the times with M. This weekend is what is currently disturbing my mind.  Last Thursday night (I think), into the evening, there was a sudden need to "talk something over". It was concerns B was having because she kept having the camillecrimson blog site open up (supposedly) when she was just randomly browsing and using my computing environment. Something about concerns about whether I might look at porn far more than I'd said in a previous discussion and whether I might therefore be "addicted to porn" and whether "that's the kind of guy she can be involved with" and so on.  I later realized that this happened a few hours after an oblique reference to my schedule the remainder of this month - and her knowledge that I'll have an MEA meeting.... which always unnerves her due to A2.  Anyway we put that minor crisis to rest in short order. but then B had a pretty sleepless night. That happens... but I wonder......

Then Friday just felt a little "off" to me all day.... but I think I recall B slept quite well that night. Then Saturday, again felt "off". I mostly ignored it. Last night (Saturday night) I thought B was feeling amorous when we were headed to bed, but then seemed to want to sleep. This morning, being our typical Sunday morning..... we initiated some lovemaking, but B had lots of trouble relaxing, enjoying and getting off. Could be meds or depression, or whatever, but I wonder.....

Today continued to feel strained and difficult in some hard to pin down manner.

Currently she's at her place doing her laundry.

I'm just wondering where we really do have or can have a good healthy relationship or if that's not possible with her background and mine.

and if not, then what? With whom?

I've also been thinking about visiting some questions of my own with her, but the timing has not seemed right. I'm just not terribly willing to pursue semi-difficult questions when things already seem strained or odd.  Avoidance. 

I do keep wondering if there is something on her mind - some bombshell issue to drop, again....

Time will tell I supposed.