trying to sort thoughts out before A2's therapy session tomorrow

pages, mind dumping, sorting thoughts,

A2,
I’ve struggled to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to convey some things to you. This isn’t something I want to put into email, and there’s not a good timeframe to drop a letter in the mail… and I’m not being entirely successful in trying to help you understand things in telephone conversation.

And, it’s a great concern that my attempts to stay in touch with my good friend are being interpreted as hope that we will come back together as a couple in relationship. You know I don’t want to be at all hurtful, and I’m trying to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I refuse to say anything terribly critical of you, because you have been a great boon to my life and post-“divorce” recovery.

Still, I need to make this very clear: for the foreseeable future, there is NO going back. I didn’t lightly allow another potential love relationship to enter my psyche. And, I made a firm and clearheaded decision to move things with you to friendship, away from “partnership” and allow things to fully bloom with this other woman.

As you work with Nina, it may be helpful for you to understand some history between us from my perspective.

And, speaking of working with Nina, I sincerely hope you are trying to look into your challenges in achieving emotional intimacy, and NOT pursuing some course of action that you hope will result in restoring our partnership relationship. I’m too far down another road now to go back, and continuing to entertain thoughts of “winning the relationship back” will only lead to hurt and disappointment.

So, history and observations to share…

Well, for starters, I looked back into my journal to the very early days. I recorded a nice remembrance, without elaboration, of that “anniversary day” you confessed to me last Sunday night. And, over the course of things later in Oct 2007, observations I recorded that there were appearances of us falling in love even then. And, frankly, from what you told me about where you were all that time back, it sounded as if you were actually pretty much in love with me at the time I first began to suspect it… and examine my own feelings – which at the time were that I wasn’t in love, but could get there… but that I was holding back in part to provide myself sufficient healing time so that I could love in healthy positive ways and not on some rebound basis, etc.

Meanwhile, you effectively hid your true feelings from me by encouraging me to see and date and be involved with others (“I’m your coach”; which went on for months, even after we became physically involved).

Odds and ends occurred, like my sending of thank you notes, or supportive cards after a difficult funeral, etc…. that seemed to “spook” you that I was in love with you… and you would tend to express a level of discomfort with that prospect.

Anyway, you made it abundantly clear in your words (although I did read your heart differently) that you were not interested (or capable?) of handling “being in love”…. Too hurt, too scared, too scarred…

So, I accepted that. Waited patiently for you to be able to find your own feelings and express them honestly. But, I also applied your advice in 2008 and by mid year was seriously dating another person. But, by mid-summer, I was finding myself challenged to find a balance between the two of you, not be hurtful to either of you.

Meantime, in mid-August 2008, mixed messages continued to accumulate. You apparently broached the concept of “significant other” with me, but meant it as a lighter term than I would have expected. This is reflected in my journal:

Things with LC are most interesting. Apparently she has a different definition of "significant other" than I do. She means it more in a sense of a regular/dependable partner, but not necessarily completely exclusive, and apparently, most certainly not a meaning of "married but not legally".

That was a surprise.

She and I talked this weekend and both of us seem quite comfortable with seeing a great deal more of each other.... but she's really trying not to restrict me unduly (in her opinion). As such, she avows she's OK with my possible involvement (sexually, in particular) with others. That is, as long as safe sex practices are used... AND, that I NOT feel compelled to confess, etc. I asked what she'd want to know if something came along along the lines of a tryst or sexual involvement (casual dating is clearly not an issue whatsoever). Her answer was "zero". She doesn't grudge me, but she also doesn't want to know about it.... Interesting.

I THINK her motivation is to allow me enough latitude to get anything else "out of my system" or get experiences that I haven't had as yet. I think she'd like to be certain in some way for herself that if she and I progress, I'm not going to feel regretful at what I missed or such.


Looking back, I understand how you continued to armor yourself against truly allowing a feeling of being “in love”. And later in the month my journal entries reflected my observations of you showing “loving feelings” but clearly not being comfortable with those feelings you were having. Meantime, with your blessing, I was continuing to be careful about deep emotional involvement with you or anyone and getting “too serious, too soon”.

Interestingly, I found out later after “being caught” with another in January 2009, that the conversation I am referring to above, where my interpretation was that it continued to be apropos for me to pursue other involvements, you took as meaning we had agreed to be exclusive. Hence your intense sock in late January 2009.