Under fire

So, I've been a bit "under fire" since B, who was looking at my emails ("I know I shouldn't have been" she told her therapist, found these exchanges with my ONLY safe, platonic female friend:

Early April, from me to Polly:  B and I are doing fairly well, although she continues to have one helluva time with the "green eyed monster". I try really hard not to give her cause, but little issues arise regardless. Oh well. Can't be our age and not have a little baggage...


Then, this one on Jun 20:
hmmmm... I noticed you weren't that active on FB, and hoped you were just withdrawing from that for a while and not either depressed or peeved at me for my political postings. ( I had just been to the political  rally on Tuesday and posted a few items from that....)

Anyway, similar to you and  Bob, things go pretty well for me and B. Our issue is probably the complete opposite of yours, though. B and I probably tend to be overly together. I enjoy her company and our relationship, but frankly a lot of the reason I don't initiate time on my own is because she continues to struggle with relationship insecurities and sometimes near-paranoia that I am either involved with another woman(s) or am seeking to be or soon will be.... Odd triggers will set off that mood. Like when I had briefly logged in the the campus Exchange Calendar to using Outlook Web Access - she stumbled on to the history and thought I had "yet another email account you secretly use". Another was when she had trouble accessing the Verizon account. I thought she had the access she needed, but she didn't, so then I was "hiding something".  You get the drift. Of course, I'm just about as faithful as they come, but she's still not easily shaking the early years of our relationship when I was involved with her and A2.... but that was before we were exclusive.... She sees a therapist, and we may eventually see one together for relationship purposes.

Of course, she's not the only one with a few "issues" in the relationship, LOL. I am sometimes pretty chagrined at how interactions between her and I can trigger my reactions and PTSD that I still carry from being with M. Last Sunday I thought she was bothered about something - because she seemed quiet and more withdrawn - and it triggered a wary and extremely cautious mood in me (actually that's not quite a negative enough description). She then picked up on MY mood, thought it was "because it was Father's day and you hadn't heard from your sons yet...." and tried to be careful around me - which exacerbated my upset, etc, etc....

Late in the day we sorted out - she said she didn't have anything going on or on her mind - that she just thought I was upset, when I was not..... at least not until I thought SHE was upset.... LOL.

Ain't love grand.

And the vacation thing is complicated for us too. With B being self-employed, it's often best to take a long weekend and not a full week's vacation. I'm adjusting to that. Vacation budget's a challenge, of course, too. And, similar to what you're saying, often there has to be an evaluation of whether to take time away with each other or go visit my relatives - Son and fam in NC, or my folks in FL, or even my aged uncle and aunt in rural podunk.

I figure for the most part she and I are just fine and pretty well adjusted. We definitely need to work on some things. And frankly, I figure most out there are in far worse mental/emotional shape than she or I am. I'm not going to fall into the trap of looking for the most perfect relationship in the universe.....

Hi Birdie,

I'm fine, and thanks for asking.  Guess I was getting tired of people saying "why don't you ever get on facebook' type of stuff.  So for now I just temporarily discontinued my page.  I can bring it up any time, just taking a break from all the computer stuff.  Things are still going with Bob, but kind of slowly for me.  I'm in a different place than he is regarding our relationship.  We are so compatible in almost every regard, besides the closeness/relational (me) vs autonomy (him) needs.  I struggle with how much time he chooses to go fishing, hunting, the races, etc. without me.  At this point in my life I want a partner who wants to include me in the things he's passion about and spend time with me first then fits those other things in (definitely there needs to be a balance, but the balance just seems off.  I've been with him almost 2 years and although we've done 'vacation' type of things together, it's always with friends, family, etc.  We have never had a vacation just with the two of us.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want as much time as he gives to the other things in his life. Hey?  Anyway, the positive thing is that we are talking about it and compromising... no anger, no bitterness, etc., just fair and reasonable conversation.  It's so different that in the past for me.  I can speak my voice and know how Bob will respond.  It's nice being able to be vulnerable with someone and not fearing them.  So anyway.. didn't mean to run on.. (some things never change) but it has just been a little speed bump in the road, but I think we'll get through it.
It would be great to have lunch sometime if you could squeeze it in.

Let me know how you're doing and life is treating you.
Hugs,

Polly 

Admitting it. I am getting concerned

Good news is, B asked me to see what I could do to schedule us with my T for couples therapy.

Bad news is the bad stuff from last night is sticking with me a bit. I had hoped for more understanding if even I told her about making the clandestine appointments with my T... but NO.... even if it can be understandable, the "lying is a big deal" bit hit the wall like flying shit.

As B moaned and groaned that "every time I start to feel close enough to maybe be on your insurance, move in, have our lives more intertwined, something like this happens that fires up my doubts."  I almost said that I had also been contemplating "enmeshing" our lives more.

I caught myself before it came out of my mouth as I had a sudden clear realization that "enmeshed" was the very word and concept of relationship (issues) that had been at the edge of my consciousness but never quite had broken through.

So today I am somewhat examining the proposition that maybe things aren't so healthy as they should be.

She admits being "pretty emotionally dependent" at this point - that sounds a bit enmeshed. She also "does not want to become even more dependent, yada yada." Which I interpret as continued fear of the commitment not working out (and actions and reactions reinforcing that potential reality, quite frankly).

I'm thinking a bit about how I don't feel free to take time alone, go off by myself, pursue solitary activities.... and I find that she seems to need to know where I am, will be, doing etc.... that sounds pretty enmeshed.

I was especially struck today as I ignored a possible cheap flight to FL to visit my folks because the relationship seems a bit in crisis again.

I don't read my Playboy much or openly.

I feel compelled to pretty much "be with B" whenever possible.

I observe that she seems to have a tremendous fear that the relationship will end/not last - aka "fear of abandonment".

I know she's had a good deal of emotional abuse and baggage from it stemming from childhood treatment from her mother.

Maybe I've been turning a blind eye to all this because it's been comfortable to have someone around, to presume some help would be there if my health deteriorates, etc, etc....

But I'm not so sure this can happen with B or that she can find what she needs with me.

Maybe some couples therapy will help that determination.

As B said, doing it can be pretty scary because you don't really know if it might lead toward a better relationship or a conclusion that it just won't work and it's time to move on....

Yeah, that's true. But I suppose it's better for that to happen along with professional guidance..... in either case.

A fight about lying when asked about appointment

So it came out last night that I lied when B asked if I was seeing or going to see my T. I knew that it'd cause a ruckus.  I expressed why - that I preferred that to be private and hadn't wanted to add to her relationship anxieties, etc. (She thought perhaps I was going to go to T like I did before - to work through how to break up.

I gave B some sense of what was covered and that nothing had come out that I felt required subsequent conversation between us. And, I had fully covered what I thought was the two major reasons for the relationship/commitment fear. That is Sarah and Linda.

I was troubled to find that she also continues to nurse wounds about "my friend Layla that you emailed and that friend Lori that you tried to get in contact with".

So, that's 4 transgressions I guess.

And I'm pretty bothered by the latter. She's never accepted my truthful explanation that my email to Layla was simply to be neighborly (single mom, struggling with school moved in to the neighborhood) and that I had NO INTEREST whatsoever in the woman.

Same with Lori. Old high school connection that my mom had let me know about. Lori was trying to recover from serious alcoholism and rehab and needed friends. Again, no interest on my part other than as a potential and supportive friend. (The lady is kind of homely in her FB pictures...)

Bothersome....

Tension and fight

last night. Came home from our patio bar, B had seemed a bit reticent, so I asked what was going on. Got kind of a blast, not huge, more of an irked tone about how "you seemed to invite me to lunch at the PC lunch wagon on Friday, but then you almost immediately withdrew the invite. Since then I've tried to get clarification about plans and you just say you'll have to check....."

Listening to the overtones, I gathered she felt rejected in some manner.

I reacted a little heatedly but not with angry. Energetic, if you will, with my response.... It became clear that she had NO recollection of my specifying EXACTLY where the lunch wagon would be. Further, I had NO idea she thought the plan was only tentative, etc. We went round a bit.

She went to the complaints about "the high tone you take and the sarcasm when you respond in these arguments.  I told her that it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be entirely sanguine or phlegmatic in my tone and responses. Can't do it.

Anyway, as more came out, she still has sore memories of a week ago at the same bar, as well as Sunday's unpleasantness. "I don't really even want to go back to the patio bar. We ALWAYS fight after...." Not true, and I called her on some of her absolute statements.....

But, bottom line is apparently she's stewed a bit about that and other stuff for a few days... Plus she went back to the "we rarely have sex anymore" and all that.

It's weird to me that while SHE was stewing and wondering, again, about the relationship, I was exploring the idea  in my head and the practicality of getting married while we are visiting KY in a couple weeks.

This has happened before - where I think we're doing well, comfortable, can probably do the long term thing, might just as well do the marriage thing (and solve a whole passel of financial issues for HER.... and while these thoughts are in my head, SHE suddenly (it seems) has a relationship crisis.

I truly don't know quite what to think of that.

Head f**ked up at the moment

So.... in the last 24 hours, B has managed to react to my being on my iPod touch when she had gone to the bathroom (and the line was too long)....

and she got her jealous/suspicious attitude going..... all I was doing was occupying myself by hitting FB for a moment in the restaurant.... she, of course, has this knee jerk thought that I might be communicating with some other woman - A2 in particular.... which hacks me off. In fact, when she misheard a name I referenced (Nick) she inferred I was referring to Rick who was a running mate of A2 in a union election, etc.... which simply confirmed what I thought she had going on in her head....

then a few hours ago, while whiling time away with my grand-d, in the context of people (women) who are both beautiful and highly intelligent, I mentioned a recollection of a couple of young lady friends I had made several years ago (not seen now for at least a couple) who were very good looking AND taking double MA, MS, or Doctoral program courses... I don't recall exactly. Anyway, my point was that I have learned to assume little/nothing regarding intellect based on appearances....

But I perceived her negative reaction to my mentioning having had a couple friends, etc, in that way.... It irks me because these were "passing friends" or "hello friends". Literally, I was pleased to interact, come across as other than some dirty old man, and that I was able to occasionally bump into them at the bar or at QD and exchange a pleasant hello.  that's it....

I'm not very happy about her reaction - feeling like there is yet more I need to be careful NOT to express, and to be careful about referencing, etc.... not a way I wish to live.

I'm trying to let it go though, and write it off to her not feeling well.

But still... it's under my skin. 

Unbelievable - intuition and inappropriate quizzing

I'm terribly upset.

B just called me - started out quite breezy and friendly. Then she ask, "I was just wondering if dealing with me is making you feel compelled to go back to your therapist?".

It's as if the intuited the very thing I've done to try and begin to assess my role in this relationship. (I called N to schedule a "tune-up".

I was blown away, and got more and more defensive. And frankly pretty upset.

When B said she'd been careful in how she'd asked and didn't understand why I was so upset.

I finally had to tell her that I found it too too private to share whether or not I was going to go to my therapist to visit issues I might be having within a current relationship.

What about my being taciturn about certain things is so hard to understand. I have been throughout this relationship. Or any relationship.

I'm vastly open about most things, including things I shouldn't have to be. But there are those I do and will keep to myself, period.

Another catch-up post. Foolish jealousy and doubt issues. Again!

this was from a month or so ago....

Getting to be a theme. And a little tiresome. Monday past, 4 days after the conversation I had with KB (boss's boss) and all the consternation that had caused.... it came out in a telephone conversation that B had continued to be troubled and thinking about it.... Sigh.

She asked me "did you invite KB to go out for coffee or drinks sometime or something like that". Kind of shocked me. I was feeling too poorly to react hotly or negatively, which is probably just as well. And of course I was able to tell her the truth - which is absolutely not. I also expressed a little surprise and concern at the question.

B explained that the description of KB I had used, that she's quite bubbly, blonde, energetic, vivacious, enthusiastic, those kinds of words.... she couldn't help but interpret as attraction on my part toward KB. It's as if she can't distinguish between my acknowledging that a woman is attractive, and being (or, actually allowing myself to be) actively attracted to that person.

Anyway, upon further conversation and air clearing, it occurred to me, and I expressed that the descriptive terms I had used were simply the ones we (my work peers and I ) had been using in conversation to describe this lady. And the idea that this will likely be a fairly positive organizational move for our dept. That seemed to help. That I was using a kind of collective description.

Anyway, I think maybe I need to try and help B understand that I have forEVER been very disciplined about 1) acknowledging that I am attracted to a women (when that is the case) and 2) choosing whether to act on that attraction (which has been extremely rare for me). By far, I have always actively chosen NOT to do any such thing. And such has never happened in any casual social situation at all. Nor would I be foolish enough to mix supervisory authority or work for that matter and love and sex.

This, again, is much different from a simple acknowledgement that a woman is attractive. I see plenty of those that I am not attracted to - or at least take no effort in getting to know in any way to see if I might be. Just not how I roll.

Rough weekend, shocks to the relationship

I'm not sure where to begin in trying to sort out my thoughts. I guess chronologically will have to do....

So we had a concert Saturday night. I expected to come home feeling positive and warm. But that got blown out of the water as I found B "checking your phone". I initially said, "So" and tried to shrug it off. I actually leave my phone available for her to access and check as she feels a need. I know she has her periodic insecurities - and I did have meetings over the last 10 days where A2 was in attendance, which try as B might.... always stirs her concerns.

So anyway, I didn't care one whit that she was checking my phone. But she went on to explain, unfortunately, which led to quite a to-do. She explained that "when you were nowhere to be found as we lined up for the second half of the concert, people wondered where you are and some put ME on the spot." She went on to express that "you usually disappear during the rehearsal break and come back late and some people 'ask me where you are'. Last Monday, I  just said, 'Oh probably on the phone like always'.

I took a fair bit of umbrage because of the again, clear implication that she still thinks I have someone else on the side, or that I actively keep connections open, seek new ones, or otherwise philander in some manner. I was incensed. We talked it through, reasonably. But it does grind me that this happens over and over. Her insecurities flare more than I really think they should.

The ironic thing is that because of her horrendous high cost of paying for her own medical insurance, I'd been thinking about how me might try to at least work out a "marriage of convenience" so she could be covered under my employer-provided insurance. The last time we touched the matrimonial subject, it didn't go all that well - I want some level of pre-nuptial agreement - she want some assurance of some security and that she "wouldn't walk away with nothing" if the marriage ended.... Not sure the concerns can be reconciled.

Point is, I was feeling a bit more trusting in the relationship and somewhat more open to working out marriage details - but struggling with whether I might be engaged in rescuer/co-dependent thinking. It's interesting that on a regular enough basis that I sense a pattern, if I begin to feel close and have those feelings, something on her part - usually the insecurities - flare up and become difficult again.

But as I said, we talked that out well enough and worked toward a more positive feeling for the remainder of the evening.

Then came the Sunday shoplifting episode. We spent a lovely afternoon watching the NCAA B-ball and were walking home from the bar when B said she wanted to stop in to CVS - there had been something in the ad that had caught her eye. Wine, maybe. B had had 3 glasses of wine at the bar, and I'd had a number of beers. I was OK, but apparently her impulse control disappeared.

I wandered away from the wine aisle for a moment to find a flyer to show to her. When I came back, she was elsewhere in the store. I went looking, thinking she might be in the bathroom or something as I looked up each aisle and failed to see her. Then at the last aisle, here she is with a CVS person (turned out to be the store manager) speaking to her. At first I thought she was just getting a question answered. But as I moved within earshot, I heard him saying, "You are old enough to know better...." Seemed very odd to me. So of course I said, "What's going on?" At which point I found out she had just been spotted/busted for shoplifting a expensive Olay beauty product. He stated that she was spotted and on video committing the shoplifting. With a stricken look, she admitted to the attempted theft. But the store needed ID at this point. She had unloaded her purse of at home and had no driver's license/ID with her. The store manager was not interested in having a "first time shoplifter" arrested. But was polite and firm in stating that the store and our town's police required that he put B's identification information on the "store ban list". After which if B were to come into the store (for the next year) she might be arrested.  He politely allowed me to leave my info temporarily as long as me or B called shortly with her DL number for the record.

I am still in a bit of a state of shock. We had some discussion on the walk home - she wanted to know immediately if I was going to end the relationship over this. I was pretty taken aback by the whole episode, but I needed time to integrate the whole thing - including my feelings and reactions.

When we got home it got more wooly as I tried to express some level of understanding about how her circumstances financially might lead her to do something like this. She fussed quite a bit about feeling under a lot of pressure to try to keep up with me financially and referenced the unpleasant row from last summer when I got angry about her not keeping commitments to pay her own travel costs, etc.

So, I somewhat understand her financial challenges - her health care premium is $550 per month and her rent has to be paid on top of that - and her income stream is inadequate. But the theft was really quite a blow to my trust in her.

At this point I really am wondering if there's much reason to continue on the long haul with B. Maybe she just can't get past A2, and the business with Sarah that happened a month after B and I became exclusive (nothing happened but dinner, but it was secret and I got busted). And on top of that this financial pressure she feels, etc, etc.

OTOH I don't give up easily - and part of me still noodles around the idea that if her medical insurance, and maybe even her rent didn't have to be paid out - perhaps she could be more relaxed about her financial situation....

And, my grand-D is coming to visit in a week and a half - we'll have her as we like for a long weekend at the end of this month.... and she likes B quite a bit. I don't really want to make a move to end the relationship just before the grand-D visits. But I'm also not sure what really needs or should happen in the longer run.

And I remain uncertain whether my doubts and thoughts and unwillingness to end, NOW, are simply my own codependency at work.

So, I'm seriously considering a few sessions with my therapist....

spring might be springing!!

First deck day. B and I had a very nice, WARM couple hours on a local watering hole's deck.... Nice!!

Other strange news

M, my ex, is well into the process of filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Strangely, she listed me as one of her possible creditors. I tried to check with her attorney about what that nonsense was all about, but never connected with him. Oh well. She didn't owe me any money. I suppose there could be an effect on the remaining joint assets (some timeshare stuff). Or she may pull some shenanigans. Can't do a thing about it though.

I think a big part of the reason for her filing is the foreclosure on our old house/property. I'm sure there's a fair sized deficiency balance that will result when the bank finally fully possesses that place and sells it. Apparently she still thinks, and has an attorney to help accomplish it, that she might yet force them to restructure her mortgage..... But I doubt that will actually happen.

For one, she's reserved all the money that should have gone toward the mortgage - the lady has $12k in the bank for heaven's sake. I think the laws require that there be at least a little effort that continues by the debtor to pay regularly on the mortgage....

Too bad. It's a really nice house and property. It'd be kind of nice to get it back by a purchase, but it's still too far out for a satisfactory commute and for being even remotely active in a social scene.

Will be mildly interesting to see what transpires.

Feeling disquieted

Last night on my way out the door I caught my new boss's  boss and had some conversation I'd wanted to for a while. Regarding certain issues with arbitrary policies dictated by my immediate supervisor, and more general topics about our business as well. Anyway, I didn't recollect that B was going to be home by shortly after 6p.

I got home at roughly 6:40 and rather than make up an excuse or story, I simply told the truth about where I'd been and why I was a bit late. Mind you, I didn't expect B to be home before 7 or 730 per normal. She said she told me of the early quit, but I didn't hear it.

Anyway, it did pass through my mind that since this new boss is a woman.... B might have her now all-too-typical jealous/insecure reaction.... She did.

Last night after we went to drinks and dinner a bit more came out. I didn't think it was a negative conversation, just a conversation. But I think she stayed a bit tense about it. Doesn't help that she had some lousy medical news yesterday and was feeling a little unwell herself, just as I am not feeling great (I continue to be struggling to get over this nasty winter bug that's hit the Midwest).

Anyway, as I contemplate some of what was said and has been said, it's occurring to me that deep down B truly believes that I am either actively unfaithful, or that I inevitably will be. She cannot seem to accept in her subconscious that it can be otherwise.

If my analysis is true, I think that augers poorly for the future of the relationship. I don't see how a couple can have a long-term, vital, honest relationship when one of the two cannot bring themselves to believe the other will keep a fidelity commitment.

I think that's a huge concern. However, at the moment, I'm also realizing that with health issues and feeling generally lousy, it's pretty hard for either of us to tolerate much emotional roil and cognitively put it aside....

So, I'll try to continue to be patient and quiet about this concern. Still.....

Hmmm... Been sick for 5 days with a nasty URI. B is on the downside with hers - she's been ill - hard at times - for nearly a month, poor thing. I think I'll have this pretty well done by Sunday, myself. There will be a little residual, but not all that much. This is similar to the bug that took me out for 5 days last May.  ( I could not recall when, but my fussy boss lady mentioned it in terms of a possible work slip. . 

So anyway, I didn't have the energy to rise to a fight with B just before noon. Had to give her a lot of reassurance - apparently I left my browser set to "Private browsing" all day without realizing it.... and she encountered that last night (she always alleges to do such things accidentally - "not snooping".... I'm not so sure about that.)

So, of course, that gave rise last night to her usual rounds of anxiety about other women, that I am involved in some way shape or form (easy sex, seeking other relationship(s), etc).

I'm not and told her exactly that, yet again. She did press to know why I had bothered to be privately browsing then and I told her truthfully that I'd take a quick look at some porn, but then realized I was really in no mood or state to continue with that viewing and such. Told her, again truthfully, that that's the only reason I ever use that function.

One of my responses - that she could have seen exactly what I'd been up to by checking history turns out to be errant on my part. I experimented afterward and discovered that nothing is tracked at all during the private session, period. I thought some was, at least in the cache, until one quits out of the private use. Oh well, my error.

Anyway, when I said that, she denied looking/checking the history - says she doesn't "snoop in your stuff..."

Yeah, sure. That's why the mail client I KNOW I quit out of I regularly find open after she's been on the computer.

Doesn't other me much. I try to be mostly, but not utterly, an open book.

She was pretty worried that I'd have a very negative reaction and end the relationship. That harks back to a couple weeks ago when I did some air clearing with her about some concerns of mine that had arisen - and told her that if I felt like I was consistently back in a situation where MY anxieties (tightness of chest, that sort of thing) were getting regularly triggered due to her sometimes withdrawn, quiet disposition that sometimes is just her, but often is a sign that "there's troubledness" nigh.... If I started feeling regularly as I once did with M, I'd end the relationship.

She did wonder for herself if there are maybe too many toxic elements for here in this relationship as well....

But in this particular case, partly because I don't feel well enough for umbrage, we had a reasonable and level airing of her concerns and my responses.

All in all, that's progress - went well.

makes me wonder

ending two plus weeks of being off, most of that time spent with B. A brief trip to Chi town went nicely. Most of it has been good. But, I wonder.....

I wonder how things can go pretty well, seem like we're on an even keel, and then blow up a bit. Aspects of event remind me too much of the times with M. This weekend is what is currently disturbing my mind.  Last Thursday night (I think), into the evening, there was a sudden need to "talk something over". It was concerns B was having because she kept having the camillecrimson blog site open up (supposedly) when she was just randomly browsing and using my computing environment. Something about concerns about whether I might look at porn far more than I'd said in a previous discussion and whether I might therefore be "addicted to porn" and whether "that's the kind of guy she can be involved with" and so on.  I later realized that this happened a few hours after an oblique reference to my schedule the remainder of this month - and her knowledge that I'll have an MEA meeting.... which always unnerves her due to A2.  Anyway we put that minor crisis to rest in short order. but then B had a pretty sleepless night. That happens... but I wonder......

Then Friday just felt a little "off" to me all day.... but I think I recall B slept quite well that night. Then Saturday, again felt "off". I mostly ignored it. Last night (Saturday night) I thought B was feeling amorous when we were headed to bed, but then seemed to want to sleep. This morning, being our typical Sunday morning..... we initiated some lovemaking, but B had lots of trouble relaxing, enjoying and getting off. Could be meds or depression, or whatever, but I wonder.....

Today continued to feel strained and difficult in some hard to pin down manner.

Currently she's at her place doing her laundry.

I'm just wondering where we really do have or can have a good healthy relationship or if that's not possible with her background and mine.

and if not, then what? With whom?

I've also been thinking about visiting some questions of my own with her, but the timing has not seemed right. I'm just not terribly willing to pursue semi-difficult questions when things already seem strained or odd.  Avoidance. 

I do keep wondering if there is something on her mind - some bombshell issue to drop, again....

Time will tell I supposed.

B unhappy

Well, last night B initiated a pretty rough conversation where she outlined her continuing fears and her unhappiness in the house, if not the relationship as a whole. Much of the same thing that has come out previously - typical emotional rehash... but christ, it just will not go away.

Near as I can tell she still feels as if she walks on eggshells around the house and has to work hard to "stay out of the way" "not use too much water" on and on. 

She made it clear that she's become a bit fearful that I might be waiting for the upcoming extended time off, and with her going in to therapy, to go on and end the relationship. I told her I had not been thinking to do that.... but upon some slight reflection, it is a thought....

The financial mismatch came up of course....

And, oh yes, apparently unavoidably with the typical American woman - the subject of (not) getting married. Apparently she's not nearly as comfortable in the nonmarital status as she's led me to believe. Hmmm... been there, done that.

So, I do have to admit here that it crosses my mind that with her getting back into therapy, it may prove out that it isn't possible for the two of us to have a long term relationship. That's crossed my mind as she repeatedly committed to getting in to therapy.... but the thought was after some time passed to see how things might or might not improve.

I know we tend toward a bit of codependent patterns. I am often finding myself avoiding X, Y or Z so as not to upset her or hurt her feelings. She'd say the same thing back I suppose.

I was a little surprised that she apparently sometimes stays away from the house longer than she wants to to give me some space (gosh, it might have been nice to KNOW that!!).

The list goes on.

Truth is I don't have enough personal emotional or physical space, but I've been reluctant to state a need because of her constant fearsomeness of my being unfaithful and all that jazz.  Alone time known to me would be nice....

I've been concerned that she used to need some alone time too, but hasn't pursued any such that I can think of in the last couple years.

I hear nothing of her seeing friends for lunch, no plans to take some time out with a lady friend (or gentleman for that matter) to do something.....

I'm not comfortable doing that for my part - but she supposedly has the connections to exercise now and again. I don't really have much connection socially to draw on. Maybe could develop if worked upon, but not really existent at this point.

Bottom line is that there is a bit too much not-quite-borderline stuff going on with her. Plus fibro; regular emotional crises; etc.

It is hard to see this going long long term.... It's also hard to see it ending and starting over.

In many ways, at our age, a relationship that is "good enough" really is....

All is not well but not bad with B

Last week B and I had a kind of nasty phone discussion - the usual anxiousness stuff. I don't recollect all the particulars, except that she had become concerned the night before in a discussion about holiday time off that I wanted to go out of town by myself but didn't want to say so.

I told her clearly and cogently that that had not entered my mind, frankly because to even "go there" would cause too many problems -- so I don't entertain such thoughts.

But the conversation got pressed a bit, and without much further ado, kicked off a pretty serious PTSD for me. It frankly has stuck with me a little bit.

Even today, actually a week later and almost to the hour, she called this time "just to say hi" because she'd been quite tired and in bed when I left.... But I answered with wariness, and after I hung up, I realized that I have come to associate mid-morning calls from B with issues and anxieties and upset.

This is NOT good.

The fact of the matter is there is quite a bit, and more all the time, about B that reminds me of M and makes me concerned that I am back in some of the same patterns as I've had in the past.

I am TRYING however to be patient (yet again within a relationship) because B is just this week starting in on some mental health therapy.

I am frankly not sure what I think or where my thoughts might go at this point given free range.

I THINK that in terms of 50+ y.o. people, we're neither of us terribly irredeemedly damaged. But, more and more I'm questioning the match.

And yet, I think there is goodness here as well.

And I'm reluctant to wade back into the dating waters.... There are those I'd consider. T-city, V on my local board, maybe Heather who works for the union office.... (except she has a teen).

But a big part of me would just like this to work out with B because it's really the path of least resistance, and I know she'd be a good caretaker for me should that day come.... And as a man with a more than slight potential of Alzheimer's, knowing I'd have a good, dedicated woman to help care for me is no small consideration! 

But then, T city would be that way too.... Shrug. 

Sunday night past (catch up post)

Interesting experience last Sunday night. Concert night. M had contacted me a couple weeks prior wondering when the next Chorale concert might be and speaking of how it had been a long time since she'd heard us.... Then asked for 2 tix and said she would plan to be there.  Fine with me, and I also let B know and she was ok with it too.... So, with 2 tix, I figured M must be bringing a date. I thought it was interesting that she had finally surfaced in this way. It's actually been a while since I got any crazy messages of any sort from her. They've been few and civil and curt. But not crazy. So, I thought that might be some marginal life progress, LOL. And, as long as she was coming this way, I put in an order for soap and lotion.

So, during the concert, I observed that much of the time M had a pretty grim look on her face. Clearly looked stressed.... I suspect she thought it would be "easier" than it apparently was on her emotionally to be there.  I also observed that I recognized her date!!

After the concert ended, at the back of the church I encountered her and her date (B was likely in the other room or with her mother.....). M courteously introduced Dan (I had recollected his name began with D). I didn't let on that I had met him in the past and he didn't say anything to that effect either. (He had dated a tall, pretty soprano for several years. She's been long gone from the group and I cannot remember her name.) Just found it interesting. Meanwhile, M was showing a great deal of urgency in getting gone. Explained she didn't have my order yet and would bring it to my area later in the week. Meantime I could see the redness of her eyes - she clearly had been on the verge of tears for some period... Sad that this was tough on her, here 4 years later!!

So, that was one interesting thing.....

Another was Carrie - a young soprano who I had wondered if she was flirting with me.... had a boyfriend in attendance at the social after. Whew. Sure glad I hadn't conducted myself in any kind of foolish old man way with her!! Would not want to be the "creepy older guy". LOL. 

Truly, I had thought in various ways that this young maybe not even 30 y.o. lady had been flirtatious with me and I had wondered what to do with that. Flattering.... An interesting idea. Comes from a very nice family, mom and bro sing with us as well..... So it was just as well to discover she has a BF and he's serious enough to be shown in public (although quite a bit more unkempt than I might have expected).

So there was actually a bit of relief on my part to discover that I was probably misreading friendliness.... and fortunately hadn't acted on my "misreading".

Then again, some women like much older guys...... hmmmmm......

Temptation

In a different subject - while I am sworn to fidelity and won't violate that commitment, I find myself mulling over the light, quick interactions I keep having with a pretty young lady in my singing group - chorale.

I think I figured out last year that C is younger than 30, so really, she's too too young... but it's a tempting thought.

I keep feeling like she's lightly flirting with me and showing interest.

I've not been good about picking up such signals in the past - or to be more accurate - have usually been in a primary relationship and chosen to ignore them if I do sense them.....

Maybe I'm vulnerable because of the continuing periodic crises of confidence between B and me....

But, there is a part of me that is just a little tempted to end what's not working and see what might work out with a pretty, and I think well adjusted young woman....

Wouldn't my oldest boy just crap!!

He says the "rule is you can't date women younger than me" and he's what, 36 now.....

Good advice. I do find the proposition of dating someone roughly half my age to be, as my therapist said, a bit tawdry....

But still, the interest being shown..... Just a thought.

Myriad thoughts

I don't know. More and more it seems like maybe B is her own kind of crazy and maybe I'm unwise to keep toughing this out when it keeps trying to implode, relationship-wise.

Last night, AGAIN, out of the blue I get accused of probably having an affair. Of being unfaithful. I kept my cool, but still got very very aggravated. She comes up with, "What are you up to tomorrow?" Me, "Just working". "No meetings", "nope not really"..... "Not meeting someone? And I mean, another woman?" "No! Where in the world is this coming from again?"

She wouldn't really say. I have a guess - there's a vague text message on my phone from just a phone number (not a contact) about calling to meet tomorrow. I'm guessing she peeked at that. Never mind that that was the most recent in a series of messages related to a screwed up transaction I made when selling a router to a local college girl. Totally innocent and nothing to be made of at all.

Very aggravating.

The plain fact of the matter is, B's anxieties and misplaced suspicions are destroying our relationship slowly but surely. I suspect most of it is rooted in 1) childhood and previous relationships 2) the fact that she and I were not exclusive at first and she's still uncertain whether I play around and 3) the suspicions her mother put into her head about me at the very beginning.

That which is good about the relationship, I hate to lose. She's very loving most of the time. Her psychic interactions, her faie nature, and her natural talent for energetic healing are all things I would miss.....

But if we can't get a whole lot healthier within this relationship and soon, it's probably time to move on.

I resist that in part because I fear my own future health - dementia - and I think she'd be a good and loving caregiver. I wonder about finding another, even though I show little sign as yet that can be differentiated from simply being a 55 y.o. man....

Sigh. I just don't know..... and sometimes I am afraid to ask those whose counsel I could ask....

Plusses and minuses and fears

So, when it comes to staying in a relationship, there are plusses, minuses, and for me - with a strong probability of dementia issues in my future - a dollop of fear for the long term.

So with B - plusses
Much of the time she treats me well, used to give my body a lot of massages, less so now. Good lover, likes outdoor sex, maybe even a slight bit of kink to be had with her. She's good looking for 61 yo. Much of the time quite mentally healthy. Seems mostly physically so. Fun girl when she's in her faie mood. Sexually well adjusted, if not completely so emotionally. Seems to have become as comfortable providing a complete BJ as having intercourse - usually due to her "equipment" not being up to the latter.

Downside - she has more than a few BPD tendencies which in turn remind me a bit much of times with M. Her temper can be unpredictable - although not so volatile as M was. She's just as insomniac as M was - maybe worse.... she's walking on eggshells and being inordinately careful with interacting with me a lot - she doesn't take the least bit of pique or irritation on my part at all well (leftover from her childhood I'm sure). And she is as poor as a church mouse. Her income stream is unsteady at best. She would tend to be more of an economic liability or drag than an asset.

OTOH, I think if I were to become stricken she would be very dedicated to my well being and welfare.

on the physical side - I get concerned because she is not very active....

also, while she doesn't look her age, I look younger than mine by nearly 10 years I think. She shows many signs of her age.... and sometimes I can't help but think about life with someone who is and looks younger....

OTOH, who wants to go back through the awful process of trying to find a "someone".

I'd be pretty much inclined to take a year or better off from dating and looking I think for the most part. Right now my libido has become low enough that I'm not sure I'd even be interested in a casual fuck or fuck buddy....

Mostly I lean toward continuing to work this out.... but more and more I'm feeling like that may be impossible....

Guess we will see.

Anniversary weekend

So, my "anniversary" weekend with B is Labor Day weekend - she reminded me of that sometime ago during a negative interaction (I recollected the date of my actual and only marriage, but "not of OUR anniversary".

I was trying to feel good about it, but instead find myself feeling a little down and bothered about things.

It goes to B's infernal tendency to have a "suspicious mind" when I have unexpected time off or at home. AND the fact that even 2 years later, she still hasn't been able to shake the anxiety that I may be playing around on the side (I am not) or that that the relationship won't last (that's true - with these negative thought patterns and factors that keep coming in to play).

I'm not by any means looking to get out. In many ways she treats me well. But the less healthy parts of her are excrutiating for me.

Like last night on our way to have dinner/drinks. I mentioned that all of us at the office were supposed to "work from home" today to test telecommuting in an emergency or disaster recovery situation. I also asked what her schedule was like. It was palpable as her suspicions arose. "Why are you asking about my schedule??" she said with some odd note to her voice (which I interpret as suspicion). I explained that I simply wondered if she might be around, or was trying make her aware that I might be around the house some or all of the day. Eventually she relaxed and seemed to accept what I told her.

But today when we talked briefly on the phone, after I'd had to go ahead and report physically to the office after all, she sounded odd to me again. Like she was being careful or was still suspicious or concerned or I don't know what. It really causes me consternation - kicks up my PTSD and all that.

It is very frustrating. I truly do not do anything that I can accept as being even slightly suspicious. I don't maintain a singles site membership or anything like that. I don't flirt to speak of. I try to be very careful of her feelings and potential hurt feelings and reactions (which is WAY too much like I used to have to do with M.

I feel like we're a bit hung up in a ditch that is not of my digging..... I truly wish she could deal with this side of her psyche - the better to give us a long term chance. But I just don't know.