Last night, familiar pattern

I have troubles at work. Little tense about it, but not bad. Had an after work obligation. Home about 7:30 p. Early evening OK, though.

But, she often tends toward a low point / crash if I'm needing emotional support -- she just has a tough time sustaining that support, even though she tries.

I was a little tired from a restless night (we'd made love, but I didn't ejaculate, which is OK. But, that, and whatever else, made M restless. I think I was just a little restless due to life at the moment -- maybe a little worried that she'd felt "rejected" even though she'd had lots of attention. Anyway, restless night, worked hard in the yard during the day. Busy p.m. at work, evening.... I was tired.

I started to get a little sleepy by 8:30 p.m. and about that time, M wanted to be kissy. Which was fine, but she caught that I was drowsy. She's never very graceful about that. Not hostile. But, she could be more tolerant of it when it happens. So, she didn't react much, but she did sit back up and leave me alone. Sat close, etc..... but... it seemed like a little bit of a first step toward trouble.

Just a little later, she asked me how my therapy was going and what we were talking about. Dangerous territory -- I don't like being quizzed about that, feel my privacy is violated. She knows it makes me bothered..... I was cordial, general in my response.

Step two toward trouble.

A little while later, I couldn't find her. Finally did. Out on the front porch. Clearly troubled thinking (and after not too long, clearly alcohol influenced).

Seems she's scheduled an appt with HER T (which ought to be good). And, she has "no idea how to explain the last nine months, because I have no answers...", etc.


Talked of MY extreme mood swings (from her perspective)....
Touched the marriage bit, too.

She talked about the differences in the self-help books we have tended toward.

About her concern that my T and I are working at cross-purposes to M (meaning, I think, NOT automatically toward preserving the relationship)).

I mostly listened. Especially when she got a little excited and extra upset. Seemed to me she probably had not had enough to eat, had her beers..... was affected....

and, yes, clearly troubled about what to tell her T

For me, it's amazing that she doesn't see much of her own role....


anyway, we got through that without a fight, or significant trouble. Watched TV peacefully and companionably up through the news....

But, she didn't sleep as close. Slept in a way that makes me think she had to use some chemical assistance.... which is fine.... but a bad sign, in a way.

Guess we'll see what today, tomorrow, and other days bring, as each of us try to live more in the day and more mindfully.