Admitting it. I am getting concerned

Good news is, B asked me to see what I could do to schedule us with my T for couples therapy.

Bad news is the bad stuff from last night is sticking with me a bit. I had hoped for more understanding if even I told her about making the clandestine appointments with my T... but NO.... even if it can be understandable, the "lying is a big deal" bit hit the wall like flying shit.

As B moaned and groaned that "every time I start to feel close enough to maybe be on your insurance, move in, have our lives more intertwined, something like this happens that fires up my doubts."  I almost said that I had also been contemplating "enmeshing" our lives more.

I caught myself before it came out of my mouth as I had a sudden clear realization that "enmeshed" was the very word and concept of relationship (issues) that had been at the edge of my consciousness but never quite had broken through.

So today I am somewhat examining the proposition that maybe things aren't so healthy as they should be.

She admits being "pretty emotionally dependent" at this point - that sounds a bit enmeshed. She also "does not want to become even more dependent, yada yada." Which I interpret as continued fear of the commitment not working out (and actions and reactions reinforcing that potential reality, quite frankly).

I'm thinking a bit about how I don't feel free to take time alone, go off by myself, pursue solitary activities.... and I find that she seems to need to know where I am, will be, doing etc.... that sounds pretty enmeshed.

I was especially struck today as I ignored a possible cheap flight to FL to visit my folks because the relationship seems a bit in crisis again.

I don't read my Playboy much or openly.

I feel compelled to pretty much "be with B" whenever possible.

I observe that she seems to have a tremendous fear that the relationship will end/not last - aka "fear of abandonment".

I know she's had a good deal of emotional abuse and baggage from it stemming from childhood treatment from her mother.

Maybe I've been turning a blind eye to all this because it's been comfortable to have someone around, to presume some help would be there if my health deteriorates, etc, etc....

But I'm not so sure this can happen with B or that she can find what she needs with me.

Maybe some couples therapy will help that determination.

As B said, doing it can be pretty scary because you don't really know if it might lead toward a better relationship or a conclusion that it just won't work and it's time to move on....

Yeah, that's true. But I suppose it's better for that to happen along with professional guidance..... in either case.