Astrology reading

a few thoughts to record, just to refer to in the future looking back. The astrologer told me as much as to end this relationship soon and be done with it. Indicated taht M, should she do self harm as we are afraid of, may very well do it in a way that could injure me, if I am not careful. Suggested that I might not want to let her drive if she is upset.....

She also thought it was MORE likely, though, that M would shortly find someone else -- someone more to her equal (in lunacy, from what it sounds like). But, equal, at least....

She suggested quite strongly that I need to stop trying to make all others happy, and balanced. Rather, that I need to see to my own happiness and well being....

a similar message as from other sources.

Strange couple days

Yes, it's been a strange few days. Problems at work. Will calm down eventually. Had a reading with an astrologer that was very very interesting. Very.

So, last night I'm out to celebrate my youngest son's 30th b-day... and M hasa yet another night-time crisis.

Near as I can figure out, she was talking with her older son, probably whining about her younger boy staying in Michigan and staying involved with a girl mom doessn't really care for.... Anyway, the older boy must have said something about the girl being pregnant....

Happens to be untrue, although there was a scare 6 or 8 weeks ago. Anyway, 10:11 last night, M sent me an email that boiled down to oh, god... and the boy's too young... and all that. And, by 10:40 or so she'd left one somewhat lucid message on the answering machine at home... and two more on my cell phone voicemail shortly (?) thereafter that was almost completely unintelligible.
Meltdown.... meltdown....

Today, she didn't answer her phone.... but, I see she's left a sarcastic txt mail for me.

Anyway, I talked to the younger boy. He confirmed that his brother had it messed up. No current pregnancy scare. Meanwhile, late this p.m., I see the older boy sent me a text wondering if I'd heard anything about J getting married....

Weird, weird, weird.

Then, there's the matter of a sudden and unexpected death in my family. I had a very elderly aunt die yesterday in an accidental brush and grass fire. She was burning trash.... and it got away from her. I really liked her. Anyway, an odd and sudden death for a gracious and interesting woman. I'll miss her.

Pathological dependency

My T used an interesting phrase this week. Actually, two. At one point she said, "You know, (re: M) it's really pathological dependency".

I mentioned that multiple esoteric sources have told me that M is badly "stuck" and that this relationship in this form really is keeping her stuck.

T observed that it seems that either the relationship has to change / end OR M will essentially remain an invalid -- emotionally speaking, of course.

I told her I might use that phrase, but I was kidding. Saying to an invalid, who doesn't recognized their high degree of invalidity, is asking for terrible trouble.

For crying out loud, already

I had a few rough days this week. Troubles at work that were worrying me. M finally caught on that I actually WAS very concerned and troubled.... and decided to be the same, sort of on my behalf.... but of course, she cannot remotely touch any crisis of mine without becoming crisis-bound herself.... Cannot shift the focus within from her own pain and trouble to anyone elses......

So, yesterday / last night was finally the critical moment I'd been waiting for. She had gotten confused, as often happens, and thought the event was on Tuesday, and had gotten al worked up when I didn't talk to her Tuesday night (I don't like to talk to her after early evening, as she usually has had too much self medication -- pills and beer or wine. )

When I corrected her understanding, she fretted and worried, and got upset again about her own situation, etc, etc....

Of course, what I needed was some REAL partnership, not a situation where my "partner" goes into crisis because I"M trying to hold off a crisis of my own....

But, of course, she crashed. She had asked me to be sure to call her and "let me know the outcome". Well, it was 9:00 p.m. before a final resolution occurred. I wanted to keep the call brief, because of the time of night and because for the first time in a while, I was headed out to the pub with friends, after a long, hard day and evening.....

I call. She's deep, deep in crisis. Weeping.... very sad.... yet another round.

First I engaged a little, "why are you weeping?" (thnking to myself, why did you insist I call you if you are just going to be in emotional crisis I didn't cause and can't do anything about).... She says, "Oh, let's see. 1300 miles from home. All alone, I don't know anybody... no place to go, etc, etc....I don't know, why do you suppose I'm weeping?"

Speech is slow, almost slurred. Wanted "to talk about things" "needed me" all that jazz. I wouldn't have it. Begged off the phone and went on about my late evening.

Of course, she called back minutes later. I made the mistake of taking it. She finally pressed my buttons enough to make me angry.... hung up.Turned her phone off, etc, etc.

I left it be at that point. Couldn't do otherwise.

Of course, when I am finally on my way home ( a 25 minute trip from where I was at ) at 10:40 p.m, she decided to call. In not better condition. Maybe worse. Now offended that "you're out so late" (she often asserts that if I'm out with her I get tired; that I'm always tired by 10:30 p -- which at home is true -- unless I'm out with people -- other than her -- then I'm able to stay away-- what's that say about being with me, she'll say...

On and on. Went round about just a little, when I told her I really thought she needed to hang up and get some sleep. "I haven't slept in 3 days -- I've been worrying about you and your situation...."

I finally said, "I'm going to hang up now and let you go to sleep. I hope you get some rest...." and I did.

Now, mind you, at this point apparently she'd already voicemailed me on my phone about 6 times (haven't listened to or recorded those yet) AND about 8 more messages left on the answering machine at home. Several of which are pretty unintelligible.

So, again I say.... for crying out loud already.

Apt movies

So, after the days like the last few with M, plus the behavior or lack of communication today.... guess I couldn't resist the irony of the movies that caught my eye to watch this evening.

Just got done watching "Girl Interrupted" (about a young borderline woman)..... during that movie, the inmates at one point were watching "The Wizard of Oz" which was probably a deliberate bit. After all, those of us who are partners to BPD people look to Oz as an allegory for our situations. Probably part of why it was included in the movie -- an "inside joke".

Anyway, I can't resist but put the Wizard on following the other movie....

Just too apt. Too fitting. Too ironic.....

Classic, or what?

Well, I've tried repeatedly to reach M today.... doing my duty. She's had her phone turned off. Who knows what she might have done or be up to. Could be orneriness, or could be self-harm. I suppose if I don't reach her tomorrow or hear from her, I'd better send the Naples police to check. Got a e-postcard from her at almost 4:00 p.m., but who knows when it was actually sent or generated.

But, I do not have control over this.... or the outcome of what she may have done or be up to. Only she does.

But, the behavior is classic.... .

Mixed feelings, definitely mixed

Wow.

Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.

Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.

YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.

Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.

Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.

Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.

Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.

I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....

I just don't know.

last night's conversation

M called last night and actually stayed pretty reasonable... although, she got my goat eventually as she kept casting about for reassuring and "caring" words from me. Hard to describe her tone very accurately. She sounded like she hadn't been drinking much or taken too much in the way of valium or xanax. Sounded like she was trying to stay emminently reasonable. Although, it became obvious as I began to react to the attempts to entrap me... that she was also trying to be the "good guy" to my "bad guy".... or whatever.

I got pretty antsy and pissy a few times.... No doubt about that.

She also mentioned feeling pretty homesick at this point.....

Later, after I turned my phone off, she left a pleasant message about what a nice night, and the stars and all.... but, of course, by midnight, had melted down and left what almost sounded self destructive. Hard to tell.

OTOH, I received several pictures / emails this a.m..... which tells me she must not have done anything drastic as of 11:30 a.m. or so....

BUT, I didn't try to call her right away, as I was busy with some home business. Was 1:00p before I had a chance to try to give her a holler.

Well, her phone is OFF. Now it's past 4:00 p and the phone is still turned off....

Again, not sure what to make, or that I WANT to make much out of that.

But, I have to face that she may very well have done herself some self harm. If typical, a non-fatal dose of pills. But, one day she may succeed, and this could be the day. OTOH, turning her phone off may just be passive-aggressive behavior. Angry because I didn't call soon enough, or contrite enough or whatever.

what a week

this was.

Busy, busy at work. And M would not let up much. I don't know what is so hard to understand about taking some time apart and giving some space for thoughts and difficult feelings to get assessed and dealt with.

Every day, a message or two on the phone, email, often several midnight voicemails on the cell phone....

Then tonight, she tried to play it cool... "talk things over" get some reassurance, etc, etc....

Just frustrating as heck.

Again, in frustration, I told her just come on back and we'll deal with what we must. (She doesn't yet know for certain that I mean to break this off and be done with it. )

I'm tired of this bullshit.

apart for awhile, but

what an excrutiating ride to the airport. M is clearly in a mindset to assume the relationship is altogether over. Kept picking, then wantin greassurances.... etc, etc. Blaming, weeping, all the usual.

I am sad to be here. at this point.

Lots of mixed messages. She cannot seem to grasp that I do care and love, but I cannot tolerate all of the chaos and instability. She doesn't view herself that way, particualrly, although she cleims to have been "much more stable 6 monbths ago.

almost turned aroud to pick me up.

Offered repeatedly to drive her and me back....

sh'e very sick

plane is beginning to boaqrd.

a more typical re-frame

after I came back from a walk, having been leaving her alone as it appears she wanted, she says, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong...."

The constant re-framing of reality

that a BPD person engages in is stunning. And hard to adjust to.

For instance, one M fell into the despair she's fallen into, she reframed the reason for her being here in FL, supposedly for the next month.

You see, her son had rented a condo, near the Gulf coast (Naples / Ft Meyer area) that he's not using, because he came "back home temporarily...." except, it's not so temporary after all. So, he's given notice here, but the place isn't being used for the next month+.

He and I BOTH had suggested, when M was feeling so distressed about life at our house (me too busy, 5 acres in the country too isolated, etc)) that she bring herself down here.

For me, I needed the break -- after all, I was right at the point of moving out of the house temporarily as it was.

So, at first, she made the arrangement to head here out of anger at me. Then, shifted her reality (like, shortly after the son said, "NO, he couldn't drive down here with her"). She played nice, cooed and such.... and I made the mistake of believing it would be OK to take a sudden week off to help her drive down and spend a few days together on vacation.

Naturally, she crashed. AND, NOW, the re-framing, off and on, is that I manipulated her to get her down here -- to be rid of her for a while.... yadayadayada.

From angry, to nice, to feeling taken advantage of. Breathtaking.

a breathe

Well, she just left, on her own, to go do her own shopping (I offered, she refused).

"Guess I have to figure it out" says she.

Well, I'm just glad to FINALLY have a short bit of breathing room. I know I obsess over her. That's got to / going to stop. But, man, it gets hard having someone who is pissed off at you around in some form every minute. Yipe.

I've had to post quick journal entries, as drafts, over the last few days to get things roughly recorded, but I've scarcely had any guaranteed private time.

So, this is it, at last.

Interesting to watch what she was doing at her computer. First she pursued a bit more information on the dietary approach I'd found for her condition.

Then, even though she told me she'd manage to get me to the airport (2.5 hours each way) tomorrow, she took a look at last minute flights between the nearby airport and TPA.

Seems silly, seeing as she insisted midmorning that there was NO need for me to rent a car to take myself, because she says, "I'll meet MY obligation(s)."

What a sentiment.

I'm feeling a bit run down after 2.5 days of tension and high stress. Her pain washes over all around her.

I finally know I cannot truly "cure it". Nowadays, I seem to be a significant contributor.

And, yes, it's virtually certain the next month is a transition toward significantly separate lives.

It may help her. It will be for the best for me.

She's pretty sick

with IBS / intestinal bacterial overgrowth.

I'm a litte concerned about leaving her behind to cope with it on her own.

OTOH, she says her guts have been terrible ever since our last trip to FL. This is just a variation, and exacerbated by the extreme relationship / breakup mindset she's put herself into.

She insists she'll hold together for the 5 hour RT to the airport tomorrow. I would really rather have rented a car....

Of course, eventually, I could see she was checking flights between here and TPA to save herself the trouble. So, let me rent a car, for crying out loud.

the ring thing

apparently, a onyx and diamonds ring I bought for her to show love meant more like "engagement" to her some years back. Varyingly, she's appreciated it, exoriated me for having bought a different ring than she sent me to the store for... reactions and history and remembrances have varied.

One negative habit she adopted a few months + ago was to return the ring.... whenever she clearly feels "it's over".

Sad to see her in such pain.

But, T says "you can't comfort whom you hurt".

Put it in my Dopp kit for now. Maybe I'll wear it occasionally to remember her by.

more of the same sad sack sh**

today. Worse than yesterday. Our "week together" before a month of separation, and she cannot get ahold of her negative feelings and turn them about.

I told her outright that it appears she's determined to leave things on a bad note... Too bad. I've tried to do otherwise. Thought she was trying, too.

But, she's had to plow the same ground over and over and over again. The bits about the crackers on Xmas day, the speech about leaving a few days later, on and on. She cannot / will not find emotional closure. Logic doesn't help.

Some things just will not change. Her negative nature is one. Her constant feeling of rejection and failure to measure up is another.

Nor will her tendency, deeply BPD, to reframe events and history.

Like the start of our relationship.

Of late, she's convinced herself that I seduced her from a stable, happy enough relationship. That I have used her to meet my unfilled sexual needs, etc, etc.

It's a huge, dramatic reframing. Actually, this one truly surprises me.... but, I suppose nothing really should

sick and sad

she's heartsick, bodily sick, deeply sad.... assuming we're over, and in many ways, we are, no doubt.

She's had one helluva flareup of her IBS or something since she glommed onto the "certainty" in her mind that "we are over" -- represented by the month of separation we're supposed to have and my tepid response to her saying "I am really going to miss you..."

Truth for me is that this relationship has become SUCH a drain on me, and I try NOT to speak outright untruths, that sometimes I am way too careful in my response to such a statement.

Of course, I'll miss her. Not in altogether healthy ways, though. I've come to know that this relationship and the crises, and my responses to her, etc, etc, are all part of a pattern of relationship addiction.

One I have to find my cure for.

As for her and her physical problems right now, which make her emotional turmoil even worse. When I asked her what was going on, she said, "I'm sick. And, I'm sad"....

At some point of frustration, after she told me she's made it pretty plain what I need to do, I said, "Near as I can tell, that means marrying you and quitting my job!!"

She cannot accept how demanding my job is occasionally. I cannot marry her (foolish, emotionally and financially).

I'm sorry she puts so much stock into NOT being married and all. But, I thought we'd committed. To a life together. To her working actively toward getting better or at least more functional than full-blown BPD..... But, the latter isn't the case, so the former cannot be either.

the wine

and the illness

does it every time. Meltdown city. Yup. Bottle of wine she thinks will make it better. Loosens her mouth and her feelings and makes it worse. Every time.

but she doesn't see it.

crashed already

last night into today... of course. She can't sustain a good positive aspect.... All I have to do is say the wrong thing or fail to say the right one... etc, etc

In this case, late, pillow talk. She starts into how she's kind of scared to be down here on her own, away from me for a month, etc, etc.

Said, "I'm really going to miss you"

My response, instead of a like sentiment, was to say something like, "It's really too soon to be into all that, don't you think..??"

I don't know if I did or did not say I'd miss her to, but she's told me emphatically, several times since, that I did not....

that I clearly "just want to be rid of her".

Yup. She's riding the crash. Swung to black just that quick. she can't give it up, either.

Went on into today, although at times she seemed to be contrite about her overly emotional state of mind, and such...

But, overall, a misery.

PLUS, she's really quite physically ill. She hadn't really made me fully aware of the extent of her gastointestinal issues. Until she called me in to see the horrendous aftermath of an explosive diarrhea episode -- which I cleaned up.... pointing out to her, as she kept telling me she would clean it, that when she's looking for evidence that I love her -- it doesn't get a whole lot more loving than to clean up your loved one's shit.

anyway, we're pretty sure the cause is something called bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and we've come up with some natural remedies.


Of course, a whole lot of it is just plain stress induced. The stress she's feeling as a result of the extreme crash she's holding on to. The "failed relationship" stress and all that.

I imagine that one I vacate, and she's adjusted in a few days, she'll shake the intense stress and that will make the rest better by some, maybe by a lot.

ride went OK

Amazingly so. In fact, we got along pretty well for the packing and the 2 1/2 day trip to get to FL. Not likely to last, but nice while it has.

No bitter, harsh talk. No difficult subject matter. Just kind of trying to ignore the purpose and allow ourselves some decent time together....

Although, my work intruded more than I would have hoped. She appeared to be understanding, but one case she heard me handling brought back bitter memories of her own abuse at the hands of management.

Still, it was graceful all around. Peaceful. Companionable, even