Mixed feelings, definitely mixed

Wow.

Beautiful March day here in the Midwest where I live. 70ish. Wonderful. Sitting in the sun. Found myself having an interesting set of mixed feelings this p.m.. You see, we live on 5 acres in the country, and M has done wondrous things with the grounds. Huge perennial beds. Bulbs coming up. She's made this place beauteous. I've helped, but it's really been her.

Well, my eyes misted as I walked about imagining this place without her. The windchimes sounding as I type. The gardens. The crocuses blooming. All remind me of her and my intense regrets that we cannot have what I thought we would have.

YOu see, I know she's much too ill for this relationship to successfully continue as a primary, coupled relationship. I know MY health is seriously at risk.

Yet, I find myself very sad. Memories of her are everywhere here. More than just pictures and decorating. It's the land itself reminding me.

Yet, I know it's time to end this. I know it's got nowhere to go.

Interestingly, I came to realize that it would be easier, I think, to cope with the loss and grief surrounding her death than it will be to do so with the end of this relationship.

Of course, as I write this, I'm wondering just a little if she's done herself harm and "successfully" committed suicide. What a thought to have to entertain. Yet, it drifts through my consciousness.

I wonder if the sadness is an intuitive feeling....

I just don't know.