Worth making a note

We've been getting along ok. Pretty well. Although, I had been a little concerned that I had to add an evening meeting to my week -- a little unexpectedly -- concerned that she might react badly, since my week was supposed to be almost completely free in the evenings.....

Anyway, she'd been accepting, so it seemed. BUT, tonight, she asked (late, just as the 11:00 news was coming on) what time I expected to be home. Well, I didn't know, so I didn't guess.... told her I didn't know but didn't think it would be all that late.

BUTTTTT, she'd had a bottle of wine + tonight.... after mostly trying NOT to drink much since the really bad episode a week+ ago. She didn't stay completely on the wagon for long.... instead, just trying to "be more reasonable"....

Anyway, I had noticed some signs that she was more affected tonight than she'd been for awhile. So, I was a little wary, anyway.... probably explains why I gave what I intended to be a careful answer.

SHE didn't find it acceptable....wanted a more specific response.... got upset. I heard the sigh.... So, as I was afraid of, she was upset / bothered.... I figured it was mostly just because I was supposed to NOT have much this week....

Anyway, I went upstairs by 11:05, went to bed.... within 5 more minutes, she started to "get into it". She was really put off that I wouldn't give her a specific time.... that I should KNOW better. That she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want the information.... and I avoided it.... etc.... made much out of it...

Anyway, I avoided pointing out she'd had too much to drink. But, I started to get a little upset myself.... Tried to quit the discussion several times. She wouldn't quit, though. I finally started to feel myself getting heated and upset myself... and told her I really needed to withdraw and go downstairs. That I was getting upset and needed to withdraw and cool off.

She started to say something more, and I insisted otherwise. Then, was peeved that I wouldn't listen to what she had to say. I said, "Ok, WHAT?!" and she, finally registered I really was upset and stopped.

I went downstairs..... rested and collected myself.... then went upstairs, maybe 10 to 15 minutes after leaving the bedroom. She had the TV on (Late Show) and had passed out / fallen asleep....which tells me the mood crap was a bad combination of alcohol and her meds.

Nonetheless, it is interesting.

And, fortunately, I managed to successfully withdraw from the potential argument before it got out of hand....

I think she and I will need to talk about this tomorrow.

My son's take

from Friday night:

He was busy writing up a proposal (remodelling sales). She called late. He could tell she was pretty "wasted" and asked her that, politely at a point. She denied it, and he told her "Look, you're speaking slowly, and slurring... your're wasted".

she finally admitted having taken some valium....

He said most of the conversation was friendly in tone, and that he doesn't think he got rude or pushy. But, he did get concerned that she was going to get into "other women" territory, and he was busy, and he didn't want to hear the sorry for herself stuff.... so he begged off the phone in some way.

M is convinced he doesn't like her, was rude, etc.... He said it's not personal dislike (I know he tries to be OK with her) but the substance abuse that puts him off.... he's lost two friends to drugs already in life.... He's a little sensitive about people being wasted and drug abusive....

On the wagon, again.....

we'll see

One of the things M told me Sunday and Monday was that she was terribly, and deeply ashamed of what happened Friday night. And, she seems to recognize the role of alcohol.... so, she's quitting -- or greatly reducing or awhile.... Asked for my help in that (of course!!)

We'll see. She does need to get a handle on this.

The week at this point

has been pretty busy for me in the evenings. Always a danger to M's moods. But, we've communicated and seem to be OK....

BUT, I am really getting quite concerned. She spends a LOT of time idling on her portable video games. Some outside. Some at appointments recently....

But, overall, she's seeming pretty reticent and maybe depressed..... hmmmm

The rest of last Sat & Sun

actually went OK, once M was up, about, and full lucid. Essentially, I told her I just wanted to deal with things in a mindful way, let the previous night go, go on with Saturday and the weekend as planned and as if the meltdown had not occurred.

I made it plain that while I had concerns and upsets, I wasn't going to nurse the negativity. Quite the opposite.

I cuddled with her to help her recover..... at one point, she wanted to make love and I carefully demurred. Otherwise, the day / remainder of the weekend ended up going well, all in all. We went to some dinner late in the day, folllowed by a cute little play at a local community theatre.

She also asked if I was still OK to go to a special dinner place on Sunday. Told her yes, and she made a reservation at a "secret" restaurant.....

Sunday a.m., I offered to make love when it was time to go upstairs in the a.m. after breakfast and reading the paper for awhile. She decided that was a good way to start the day.... and it was.

We spent some time outside puttering, then headed to the restaurant.... NIce!! Fondue restaurant. Lots of fun..... we both enjoyed it, and she especially enjoyed MY getting a kick out of it.

and more to note

Got some worrisome phone messages at about 6:30 a.m. from M.... typical stuff she leaves if she's about to take an overdose of her meds (nonlethal, so far).

"What do I stay around for, when I'm not meeting your needs"
"Talked to both my kids last night, and we're cool...."

Goodbye-ish stuff that is a warning sign


Anyway, I've come home by 9:30, checked on her..... she's out. Really out hard. Don't know what she took but must have been a fair bit....

Had her cell phone at her head, in her hand.... still on (put the land line off hook)

Cell was on and has rung at least twice since she "went to sleep"..... loud ringer -- she's slept through it.

sleeping isn't the word. More like passed out...

but, seems to be breathing normally, etc..... too, too typical.....

she causes a crisis in the household / relationship -- then has this reaction....

too much fun

appended info from last night

Mom called this a.m.... I didn't tell her much.... Anyway, she said my son S called her this a.m.... and mentioned that M called him last night. He told his grandma, "she sounded pretty wasted...." Says he asked her if she was wasted, and she said no. But, he told my mom that M was talking very slowly, perhaps with some slurring.... difficult to understand....

Strangely enough, the VM she left me after the conversation sounded fairly bright and lucid....

Mood ? chemicals ? alcohol ?

all of the above, no doubt

A new low / high

Seemed like a good enough evening. No problems or conflicts or particular tension, although I thought she seemed to get more distant all through the week.... But, I got tired, while she was still watching a show she likes and I went to bed -- with her knowing, again, that I was "interested" but not pushing it....

Anyway, she sweetly said, "I'll be up in a little while..."

Then, not long after, she called my son in NC.... something she had no business doing, especially at 10:30 at night. I don't know what ensued..... From the VM she left me after, I would have thought it pleasant enough.... But, she's since sent txt about "why does S dislike me so much" and, "what have I ever done....???"

Anyway, midnight last night, I wake up to pee.... hear her weeping downstairs....

SHOULD have left her be.... made the mistake of going down to check on what the matter was (show I care....)

One thing led to another -- she was all conflicted over my family again, and how she "has no standing" and "no respect" (because we are not married).... I got hot tempered.... This subject is SORE, and especially so in the middle of the night.

Conflict of wills. Yelling.... cursing. I packed to go. She threatened that "You can't come back".... etc, etc....

She clawed at me and my clothing -- scratches on my face..... trying to prevent me from going.....

I tried to leave, thought better of it, one more time and came back into the garage where she was blocking the service door into the house -- more willful contesting.

I picked her up by the waist. Move her into the house. She got pushy or something and I grabbed her forearms and continued to move her into the kitchen. Not roughly. But firmly.

Whereupon she accused me of abusing her and CALLED 911.

Deputies were courteous, and professional. I was very cooperative, and they asked me to find elsewhere to sleep. Happy to do so..... went to a hotel, which is where I should have gone in the first place.

Now, the aftermath of her making this false accusation....

I don't know. I have many mixed thoughts. We have a nice vacation planned in 2 weeks.... both been trying hard last couple weeks.... but this.... this changes things really significantly for me.

Weird few days

Thursday night, I think, got very strange. At 10ish p.m., M appeared by her deep kisses, to be inviting me upstairs to make love.....

Few minutes later, I got up there and she started carrying on about the dusting and cleaning that is such a mess and needful.... and on and on about it.

Threw me completely... and I reacted poorly -- quietly, but poorly. She could tell I got upset, but there wasn't any going back. I actually couldn't sleep, I was so bothered by it..... Finally had to take a couple of her pills to get some sleep.....

Wanted really, to get enough rest to shake it off and forget it.....

Which I did, I think.... then, last night happened....

ever so interesting

Yup. Some days are ever so interesting.

M had her first in months session with her T today -- but I'm not supposed to know that. Like I said in a previous message, she was all roiled up about "what she'll say about my not being there for so long, and what I'm supposed to tell her about the last nine months...." etc, etc.... Her feeling Tuesday night was that she still doesn't know where things stand, what's so wrong, "Why YOUR mood (speaking of me...) swings have gotten so extreme" etc, etc.... The marriage thing... all of that.

While the mood didn't go completely south, I could tell she was quite anxious last night and today.....

Anyway, we'd made a date to have lunch today, and I knew darn well her T appt was at 11 a.m.....

But, did she say anything about it? No.

That's OK. Fine with me..... Just interesting.....

Last night, familiar pattern

I have troubles at work. Little tense about it, but not bad. Had an after work obligation. Home about 7:30 p. Early evening OK, though.

But, she often tends toward a low point / crash if I'm needing emotional support -- she just has a tough time sustaining that support, even though she tries.

I was a little tired from a restless night (we'd made love, but I didn't ejaculate, which is OK. But, that, and whatever else, made M restless. I think I was just a little restless due to life at the moment -- maybe a little worried that she'd felt "rejected" even though she'd had lots of attention. Anyway, restless night, worked hard in the yard during the day. Busy p.m. at work, evening.... I was tired.

I started to get a little sleepy by 8:30 p.m. and about that time, M wanted to be kissy. Which was fine, but she caught that I was drowsy. She's never very graceful about that. Not hostile. But, she could be more tolerant of it when it happens. So, she didn't react much, but she did sit back up and leave me alone. Sat close, etc..... but... it seemed like a little bit of a first step toward trouble.

Just a little later, she asked me how my therapy was going and what we were talking about. Dangerous territory -- I don't like being quizzed about that, feel my privacy is violated. She knows it makes me bothered..... I was cordial, general in my response.

Step two toward trouble.

A little while later, I couldn't find her. Finally did. Out on the front porch. Clearly troubled thinking (and after not too long, clearly alcohol influenced).

Seems she's scheduled an appt with HER T (which ought to be good). And, she has "no idea how to explain the last nine months, because I have no answers...", etc.


Talked of MY extreme mood swings (from her perspective)....
Touched the marriage bit, too.

She talked about the differences in the self-help books we have tended toward.

About her concern that my T and I are working at cross-purposes to M (meaning, I think, NOT automatically toward preserving the relationship)).

I mostly listened. Especially when she got a little excited and extra upset. Seemed to me she probably had not had enough to eat, had her beers..... was affected....

and, yes, clearly troubled about what to tell her T

For me, it's amazing that she doesn't see much of her own role....


anyway, we got through that without a fight, or significant trouble. Watched TV peacefully and companionably up through the news....

But, she didn't sleep as close. Slept in a way that makes me think she had to use some chemical assistance.... which is fine.... but a bad sign, in a way.

Guess we'll see what today, tomorrow, and other days bring, as each of us try to live more in the day and more mindfully.

Last couple weeks - OK

She came home, we were "connected" for a few days. Went on vacation with her Sis. Been back since end of April. Been getting along pretty much.
Normal, for us, so far

until last night... she went into an odd state of mind over seeing her T later in the week....

It is very wearying

always having to be "up" and never remotely needy or bothered.... Life's a little tough for me right now, and it apparently shows through in some of my phone conversations with M.

Plus, actually, I am feeling a little bothered by the idea that it really, truly is an unspoken, strong expectation that I talk with her every night while she's gone. That's alright, in a way, but a fairly big part of me feels checked up on.

And, part of it is just plain rebelliousness on my part. I have tended to go out a bit, party a little (strip bar) or going out with a female friend -- strictly platonic, as preferred by both of us -- but M would be greatly bothered about either.

Even going to my son's bar -- I've experienced the snide, sarcastic remarks too often. I feel guilty if she calls later in the evening, and my phone is on and I ignore the call.... but I also feel rather bothered to HAVE to talk and explain myself or what I'm doing or what my day's been like, or all kinds of details like that.....

Doesn't feel intimate. Feels invasive.

Now, tonight I am home, had to pack for a 3 day marathon at work. Talked to her about an hour ago, but I was fiddling with something on the computer -- and my day was a little challenging -- and she read that as "you seemed pretty testy toward me...." and, "sorry your work and family life are hard on you right now, but I wish you wouldn't take it out on me...." (by way of a text message).

I reacted positively at first -- it actually was a constructive, reasonable message. So, I thought I should respond in a reasonably similar vein. BUT, she's turned her phone off.

So, I sent a pretty positive text message back, voicemailed her loving words as well.

But, this feels a lot like a snipe. Completely inappropriate. Puts me in a negative frame toward her, that's for sure.

OK, so what, I'm only supposed to share POSITIVE feelings. Only that I LOVE her, yadayada, but not to have any needs of my own. Or be bothered by life in such a way that she can tell.

Seems a little one way.

It's really put me off.

I've been trying not to move toward negative feelings. Let the thing work out, perhaps.... but things like this make me unhopeful about the future prospects.

sigh.....

91 minutes!

M was traveling back northward today. She's to arrive tommorrow. Unpack and repack Friday to head to Myrtle Beach with her sister on Friday -- staying for a week.

I've tried really hard for the last few days to be affable and communicative. She remains aloof and troubled. Her choice. She crashed / freaked, not me.

Anyway, tonight after she got in to where she was stopped overnight, she called me from the bar / restaurant. It was tough to hear over all the noise. OK enough conversation overall. Until the last 30-45 minutes. We "talked" for 91. (mostly her prattling).

But, the alcohol, maybe pills? after she went to her room, caught up with her. She got kinda pissy about my sons vs her sons and her son's troubles.... and on and on.

It was strange, but all-too-familiar. She semi-slowly fell in to the depressive ego disintegration that she does at times. Went from friendly and engaged / engaging (sorta) to maudlin about our relationship.

I could barely say anything but that she would say I was pissed. I wasn't... stayed patient, this time. But, after her final vacation, "we need to talk..."

and, "I know you think it's ALL ME" etc, etc....

I finally got her off the phone with no real conflict. But.... yike. Tough to deal with this when she deteriorates like that.

No surpise -- a freakout

Yup. M managed to get all freaked out yesterday and took it out on me today. Apparently most of it started with my p.m. phone conversation with her yesterday before I went to see Le Miz. She asked if I was planning to see any shows. I was trying to spare her feelings about not being her.... didn't want her to feel more deprived over not coming.... So, I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to say -- that I needed to know for sure that she wanted to know -- or if she'd really rather not. She took that negatively. Decided I was playing cat and mouse.... I did finally tell her. Turned out she wasn't real interested in Le Miz anyway -- part of my reluctance was my presumption she would be disappointed not to see it....

So, I thought that got all put aside. But, I called her on my way to a conference-related reception and she was pretty cold and uncordial.... although, she accused ME of being the one doing the emotional distancing....

Anyway, I called her, didn't seem very warm and friendly. So, I politely ended the call and went on to my business. While I was at the reception, in fact, within 15 min of the phone call, I got a text message:

"So, what's with the emotional distancing again?"
I replied, "Not distnacing that I am aware of. Thought U seemed distant or wary. Maybe we both can take care not 2 do the distance thing"

Minute later, "You were the one with the agenda & commitments"
(no kidding, I'm thinking -- why have her here feeling ignored or left out...)

followed by, "I'm the one sitting here reading a book alone"

By about 10ish I turned my phone off.
At 10:43p, she sent, "Perhaps the phone conversation earilier including the secretive stuff re: shows didn't set well with me. "

Then, this a.m., I really didn't bother trying her early, just went to the conference. About 11:15a, she called. Happened to be just went a session break was occurring briefly. We had words. She was really quite het up about "your dismissive attitude toward me yesterday and the way you treat me...."

I tried to explain that the p.m. conversation was an attempt (misguided, perhaps) to spare her feelings. And also suggested that she might try ascribing positive motives to me instead of negative ones. She was hearing none of it.

I couldn't get her to back off much, finally mildly lost my patience and said, "THIS is exactly the reason I couldn't have you come with me to this!"

I just don't need the in-person crazymaking. Bad enough in my ear.

At some point, maybe a vm, she's said she only slept 2 hours last night....
I wish she could figure out that much of the hurt she manufactures and then nurses.

She's decided I was hurtful. Emailed me this p.m. that my comment this a.m.:
"This is why I DON'T WANT YOU HERE."
"I certainly got that message loud and clear, thank you."

I'm trying to find a quiet, peaceful mind. Trying to let this blow over. Trying to encourage her in my way to put it aside.

But, she should be careful. I am still not remotely convinced of the wisdom of continuing this relationship. I'm trying to be open to things working out, but I'm also open to getting on with a different, less crazy life.

too much crazymaking

woke up this a.m. thinking about last night's extended conversation. She looped back over lots of old, negative history.... which is something she does when she's getting overwhelmed and there's too much crazymaking going on. I'm going to send her an email suggesting she cut the contact with both kids way back. One is making her crazy, the other is giving her details about the troubled brother that she doesn't want to hear and that is just crazymaking.

Hour and a half!!

Phone call. Most of it repeats of many past conversations.

really tough to stay patient.... but I also can never figure out how to shut her up.

She barely takes a breath when she's in the chatty cathy mode.

Last week or ten days

have been different. Interesting.

M had come back. In a too typical cycle, we connected on a sexual level.... which made the rest seem better.... at least to M. And, I agree, we cleared some serious air, and we got to a place where we were lots less at odds.

For my part, since she left, I've tried to make cheery, pleasant, friendly phone calls a couple times of day. Life's easier that way....

Now, tonight, I've had to put up with a couple hours of M holding forth about life, her history, etc..... and the kids and all that jazz......

Wears me out.

Sounded a bit under the influence to me....

But, I managed to stay patient.

It helped when she started talking about the "do loop" of memory in her head about the top-drawer lovemaking session we ended up having last Friday night....

She's all the more amazed becauss she doesn't understand how we went from "you telling me 20 minutes before that the relationship is effectively over...." to making incredible love.

She forgets that she made some effort to turn her thinking and move another direction from earlier conversation....

I don't recall the details..... but, I remember a shift.

Her summer intentions

She also shared her summer intentions this a.m. as part of her part of it.

Her intention is to TO BE IN THE HOUSE, OUR HOUSE, AND FOR ME TO BE THERE TO whatever that's supposed to mean.

Seemingly even if it's a "separation within the same house" kind of arrangement.


Now, she's called me to "meet" at a park.... This should be interesting....

and it was....

we tangled in a serious way, continued it at home.

Then, strangely, at some point, we put it all aside.... Made some stunning love.... which, as always, made us feel more connected.....

The usual rejection stuff

Of course, today she's paying me back for rejecting her. For daring to "deliberately" reject her. Etc, etc.

Lots of angst. Lots of anger, accusation, hard feelings.

Most easily frustrated in interactions.

Lord knows, I tried really hard this a.m. not to get exercised or angry. And, for the most part, until she made a sarcastic remark about my planned family time this weekend (funeral tomorrow, Easter with my brother's family on Sunday).

And I tried to make peace in my way, asking if she'd like to go to dinner. Trying to find some way to reconcile the really weird situation and "desires" to be connected in a sexual way (was that a stand-alone thing; does she understand the hurt feelings I've had, deeply, over her post love-making reactions of late (feeling used, abused, taken advantage of, and the like).

Tried to listen much.

Also tried NOT to tip my own hand.